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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" You're probably not being approached as people are scared of you rejecting them | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" Hello! Awwww! Chester like me. I'm also easing myself into it after five years away. I've been to two clubs this week. For us guys, we're used to it. The ratios of men to women are something like 40:1 or so. It's just something that you come to accept and try not to take it personally. Feeling invisible and not being approached. I understand that you're saying. Walking around on your own and pretending that you're ok when you're probably not! However, have no fear. You're in MASSIVE demand as a woman. That along will secure your nerves to some extent. I'm also a little bit in the same situation-ish. I worry that I won't be able to get hard, and stuff like that. What about if you just go to no pressure social events for now? If you wanted to meet up just for a chat and nothing more, I'd meet up with you. Literally just a drink or something. Just go easy on yourself, and be sociable before jumping into the deep end. That's what I think anyway. John | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" You're bugging. You're a good looking sexy woman. Most men deal with rejection on here, clubs and anywhere else. Everyone has a preference and no one is every one's type but I don't think you have anything to worry about | |||
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"Hi everyone, thanks for the responses so far! I understand rejection logically, can't be for everyone etc, I'm looking more for coping strategies? I try and go with no expectations of play, I can rationalise everything. It does make it more difficult when people say things like "I wouldn't reject you" and "I'm sure you get loads of attention" because then when I DON'T get attention it does set the brain off on the overthinking ha. But the standard mantras of "just put yourself out there! You can't be for everyone, don't let it knock you, get back on the horse and it'll get easier" don't always have the mentally soothing effect you'd hope for. And discussing swinging with my NHS therapist is something I'd rather avoid if I can "The best coping strategy is getting used to it, absorbing it, hardening up and becoming desensitised. Realising the reality of the situation; that basically we're all one of many. It's just reality that when you turn up, people can't be all over you, and actually that's against the rules anyway. You have give people space! Put it this way; NOBODY likes rejection, but it's something that we all suffer from at various points in our lives. Look after yourself, love yourself, and remember that you're a woman. You already have a massive advantage. Of all of the demographics, you're in the most demanded one! | |||
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"Hi everyone, thanks for the responses so far! I understand rejection logically, can't be for everyone etc, I'm looking more for coping strategies? I try and go with no expectations of play, I can rationalise everything. It does make it more difficult when people say things like "I wouldn't reject you" and "I'm sure you get loads of attention" because then when I DON'T get attention it does set the brain off on the overthinking ha. But the standard mantras of "just put yourself out there! You can't be for everyone, don't let it knock you, get back on the horse and it'll get easier" don't always have the mentally soothing effect you'd hope for. And discussing swinging with my NHS therapist is something I'd rather avoid if I can "I found swinging in 2017 by walking into a club. Found it to be a wonderful escape from reality. Lock my phone and all my worries in a locker and relax. I'm socially anxious and find rejection can be hard, especially as I'm now getting a little more mature!! I've always loved an event with a theme. Dressing up puts me in character. I guess the smart suit and kinkier side doors this too. My suit of armour! But by being in character it helps me to get chatting to people, have a laugh, flirt and have a good time. Much prefer flirting and laughter to turn to kisses rather than the "would you like to play?" approach. If those kisses don't lead to further, then it's been fun anyway. I find this world brilliant and dangerous for my mental health in equal measures for exactly your reasons. But I've made some incredible friends. Good luck, you are very beautiful x | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" . I had to google what BPD actually means as I am not the brightest with abbreviations. Looking at your pictures I find it hard to believe that any guy would reject you.It’s good that you took some time away and are now easing yourself back to clubs again.It can be tricky for us single guys when we see a single lady at a club as we are thinking is she with someone , waiting for someone , out of my league.I tend to approach and ask is it your first time , how is your night going.If I can strike up a conversation well it makes for a more pleasant night and maybe something more later.If conversation is hard work then I just think to myself I am no worse off than before trying to strike up a conversation.For me there is no magic answer I can offer you other than stay positive and enjoy your club nights out. | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone!" Do you always attend clubs alone? Maybe try going with someone. Chat to people and try to build a connection. A lot of people aren't just in it for the looks | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" From your verifications OP, it seems like you did really well on the club scene before, so with this break that you’ve had, possibly you’ve lost those connections, and as many people comment, the clubs aren’t as popular as they were before covid, so therefore less opportunities now than you were possibly used to? Like those who have commented above, I find it hard to believe you wouldn’t attract attention in any club, and think rejections would be a rarity also. From my own clubs experiences of just how few single ladies are ever in attendance, I would challenge you to time how many minutes you sit at a bar alone….. 
Two of my lady friends love visiting clubs solo, as they rarely ever leave without playing with around 5 guys! To put that in to context; after 19 visits as a solo guy in various clubs, I have played on 3 occasions only, and have the grand total of 0 connections for the possibilities of future play. BUT! I never expected any play whenever I went, and I always knew I was on the ‘back foot’ as a solo guy before going in. I just went with the mindset of being surprised
Perhaps try a female only club event? You state you’re looking to try some fem-fem play, maybe this is a golden opportunity to venture down a completely new path…..  | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone!" Sorry you had this experience. For me, when I hit a wall - either rejection, or a consent violation, or I get triggered - I go into self care mode. Go and get a drink, trust the lasses on bar to sort me out, and then put myself in the hot tub. Then shower all the icky thoughts away and go looking for a fun conversation to have. | |||
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"Hi everyone, thanks for the responses so far! I understand rejection logically, can't be for everyone etc, I'm looking more for coping strategies? I try and go with no expectations of play, I can rationalise everything. It does make it more difficult when people say things like "I wouldn't reject you" and "I'm sure you get loads of attention" because then when I DON'T get attention it does set the brain off on the overthinking ha. But the standard mantras of "just put yourself out there! You can't be for everyone, don't let it knock you, get back on the horse and it'll get easier" don't always have the mentally soothing effect you'd hope for. And discussing swinging with my NHS therapist is something I'd rather avoid if I can "But the reality in life is that not everyone is going to fancy you 100% of the time. Not everyone is going to want to have sex with you in your lifetime. Realistically you maybe need to just work on your own way of viewing yourself? If a gay guy didn't want to have sex with you because you're female, would you worry about that? Probably not, because you know they'd be rejecting you purely as you're not sexually what appeals to them... So why would you get upset if anyone else did the same? It's not that you're a 'lesser person, less attractive'. It's just that they don't want to have sex with you, and quite frankly you might not want to have sex with them either... We're all kinda carnal animals, but we all also have evolved to have preferences. And it's the acknowledging that which makes the difference... They haven't rejected YOU. They've rejected what they physically aren't triggered towards. It's as simple as that | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone!" Perhaps look into Tara Brach body scan RAIN meditation (you can do a course on her website or get free stuff on spotify). Use her breath and body scanning meditation tools to ground yourself in reality in the moment. Eg. I think that guy just rejected me, where in my body do I feel that? Then take a few moments to breathe through it, observe it, let it pass. | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone! Do you always attend clubs alone? Maybe try going with someone. Chat to people and try to build a connection. A lot of people aren't just in it for the looks" I agree with this. Take a companion girlfriend for a laugh and/or let potentials from here know where you will be and let them meet you there for a social? Personally I find the whole thing of being “perceived” publicly too much and avoid all together. | |||
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" Perhaps look into Tara Brach body scan RAIN meditation (you can do a course on her website or get free stuff on spotify). Use her breath and body scanning meditation tools to ground yourself in reality in the moment. Eg. I think that guy just rejected me, where in my body do I feel that? Then take a few moments to breathe through it, observe it, let it pass. " That sounds good, I'll look into that, thank you! | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" Hello, fellow ND here and very familiar with RSD. I, for the record, have never approached anyone for play as my RSD is that severe but I get feedback all the time that I do not come across as someone who is “shy” or “has low self esteem”. The way I deal with it is to treat myself as kindly as my brain will allow and just go to the club with little to no expectation for play and just enjoy being social with like minded people. I am also crap at picking up signals so God help anyone who does ask for play with any subtlety. My advice would just be to not put so much pressure on yourself. Take each event or interaction as it comes and remember that if you or the other person doesn’t want to play then it’s par for the course. Easier said than done and I am very much a work in progress but I hope it at least helps to know you aren’t the only one internally combusting at times. x | |||
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"I think this might be a little ND over thinking. You are very easy on the eyes with great curves and a sleek style. Surprised you're not beating them off with a stick. " This maybe. I find to get anywhere I have to brave the expectation of rejection (as rough as my sensitivity is to it). So basically I have to chose rejection or hiding in the corner. So I chose to take the punches and hurt rather than get nowhere. Now here's the funny thing, the rejection rarely happens as socially difficult as I can be (and trust me as a lone male in a club its hard). Also a life time of masking teaches you a few tricks to fake it till you make it enough to drop the mask a bit. Got to get that foot in the door first. Then as the positive interactions start outweighing the bad ones you start running data on that. And the data tells you that actually you're OK at this, people like your company and people actually desire you. And being able to look at your own evidence based stats gives you confidence because you have tangible experience and evidence to support your confidence. So you fear less, do more and realise you were suffering from dose of ND over thinking. So my advice is be brave and get stuck in. You'll find it's OK and find your feet again. Also I'm not diminishing how nails it is to actually do that but the results are worth it if you can. Mr | |||
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"op as a woman you have no need to fear the scene as long as you stick to your values/rules and safety ... your not a guy thats where the real hard work is and rejection is massive as most men will get nowhere... however the scene is based on selection/rejection its something we all will go thru just nowhere near as bad as the guys ... i personally think if you cant handle rejection then this scene really is not for you ..theres no shame it rejection its just part of life ... people wont care about disability / mental health when it comes to picking a play partner that the truth for most they know what they seek and what they dont" I totally agree with your comments. | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it? Hello, fellow ND here and very familiar with RSD. I, for the record, have never approached anyone for play as my RSD is that severe but I get feedback all the time that I do not come across as someone who is “shy” or “has low self esteem”. The way I deal with it is to treat myself as kindly as my brain will allow and just go to the club with little to no expectation for play and just enjoy being social with like minded people. I am also crap at picking up signals so God help anyone who does ask for play with any subtlety. My advice would just be to not put so much pressure on yourself. Take each event or interaction as it comes and remember that if you or the other person doesn’t want to play then it’s par for the course. Easier said than done and I am very much a work in progress but I hope it at least helps to know you aren’t the only one internally combusting at times. x" Hooray ND friends I'm audhd. Good luck to anyone trying to signal me they'll probably have to punch me in the face. I also have discovered that people think I hate them when I think I'm flirting
Had RSD on here it's not fun but just had to push through it and remember it's only your brain lying to you.
I haven't been to a club yet but I worry a little about sensory overload. | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone!" Reddit is quite good for that sort of stuff. Can turn into a spiral quickly though if you get too wrapped up in it. I never understood why I was so scared of rejection then I got an ADHD diagnosis this year and was able to learn a bit more about myself and why I do/feel the way I do at times. There is a symptom called Rejection Disphorpha Syndrome that's really common with the two things you said you live with. I'm yet to find an actual coping method for it but just being able to understand it and learn a bit/read what other people feel has helped. I go to clubs once or twice a month and have made some really nice friends there but it still scares the shit out of me to the point where I've left by 11 and gone home then the next day I'm full of self hate. It can be a wicked circle. I really hope you find some good advice, and if you do throw some my way!! | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone! Reddit is quite good for that sort of stuff. Can turn into a spiral quickly though if you get too wrapped up in it. I never understood why I was so scared of rejection then I got an ADHD diagnosis this year and was able to learn a bit more about myself and why I do/feel the way I do at times. There is a symptom called Rejection Disphorpha Syndrome that's really common with the two things you said you live with. I'm yet to find an actual coping method for it but just being able to understand it and learn a bit/read what other people feel has helped. I go to clubs once or twice a month and have made some really nice friends there but it still scares the shit out of me to the point where I've left by 11 and gone home then the next day I'm full of self hate. It can be a wicked circle. I really hope you find some good advice, and if you do throw some my way!! " In terms of coping methods, it’s all grounding and distress tolerance. Breathing exercises, five things you can see, four things you can hear etc. The DBT workbook has a load of practices you can teach yourself at home to stabilize yourself if things go wrong. | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone! Reddit is quite good for that sort of stuff. Can turn into a spiral quickly though if you get too wrapped up in it. I never understood why I was so scared of rejection then I got an ADHD diagnosis this year and was able to learn a bit more about myself and why I do/feel the way I do at times. There is a symptom called Rejection Disphorpha Syndrome that's really common with the two things you said you live with. I'm yet to find an actual coping method for it but just being able to understand it and learn a bit/read what other people feel has helped. I go to clubs once or twice a month and have made some really nice friends there but it still scares the shit out of me to the point where I've left by 11 and gone home then the next day I'm full of self hate. It can be a wicked circle. I really hope you find some good advice, and if you do throw some my way!! In terms of coping methods, it’s all grounding and distress tolerance. Breathing exercises, five things you can see, four things you can hear etc. The DBT workbook has a load of practices you can teach yourself at home to stabilize yourself if things go wrong. " Hi! I agree with the grounding and breathing they work really well when you're at home in a safe space, but when you've just stripped down to your skids and start to get that feeling that no one will find you attractive and at some point you're going to be left on your own at the bar while everyone else has gone for a play it can get overwhelming. Luckily at my local all the staff are really understanding and they don't question why I leave early and will often let people know I'm ok and have left like I do. Sometimes there is nothing worse than people trying to convince you that it'll be ok and asking loads of questions as to why you're leaving. I tend to order a pizza when I get into a cab and I normally have a film ready to watch when I get home to deal with the drop and the deafening silence that comes after being overstimulated then suddenly alone. Barbie is actually my top choice of flick for then I'm feeling like that 🤣 | |||
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"Thanks for the comments everyone - I think this probably isn't the place to get the answers I'm looking for, was hoping to find people with experience with rejection sensitivity dysphoria (common with ADHD & BPD for example) and get coping strategies. I appreciate what I've received back, although being told how in demand you am as a woman does set you up for more negative feelings when you are rejected or ignored! I'll try and find a swinger-friendly mental health forum somewhere. Best of luck everyone! Reddit is quite good for that sort of stuff. Can turn into a spiral quickly though if you get too wrapped up in it. I never understood why I was so scared of rejection then I got an ADHD diagnosis this year and was able to learn a bit more about myself and why I do/feel the way I do at times. There is a symptom called Rejection Disphorpha Syndrome that's really common with the two things you said you live with. I'm yet to find an actual coping method for it but just being able to understand it and learn a bit/read what other people feel has helped. I go to clubs once or twice a month and have made some really nice friends there but it still scares the shit out of me to the point where I've left by 11 and gone home then the next day I'm full of self hate. It can be a wicked circle. I really hope you find some good advice, and if you do throw some my way!! In terms of coping methods, it’s all grounding and distress tolerance. Breathing exercises, five things you can see, four things you can hear etc. The DBT workbook has a load of practices you can teach yourself at home to stabilize yourself if things go wrong. Hi! I agree with the grounding and breathing they work really well when you're at home in a safe space, but when you've just stripped down to your skids and start to get that feeling that no one will find you attractive and at some point you're going to be left on your own at the bar while everyone else has gone for a play it can get overwhelming. Luckily at my local all the staff are really understanding and they don't question why I leave early and will often let people know I'm ok and have left like I do. Sometimes there is nothing worse than people trying to convince you that it'll be ok and asking loads of questions as to why you're leaving. I tend to order a pizza when I get into a cab and I normally have a film ready to watch when I get home to deal with the drop and the deafening silence that comes after being overstimulated then suddenly alone. Barbie is actually my top choice of flick for then I'm feeling like that 🤣" I mean, fundamentally, the club is a safe space for me. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t go. BUT. I use this when I’m stark bollock naked. I use this when play has gone wrong and someone has touched me in a way I don’t like. I don’t wait to ground myself, I go and find a safe space and get on with it, and if this means having a quiet cry in a private playroom then it means having a quiet cry in a private playroom. I respect your choice to leave, but if I’m not driving, I don’t have that option so I have to do my best with what I’ve got. | |||
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"This one's mostly aimed the neurodivergent crowd, or those with BPD like me - how do you deal with rejection sensitivity? I used to be a club regular, always a bit nervous about asking people to play but I managed, and rejection was a shame but I didn't focus on it. After some time away from the scene I'm easing back in, but my rejection sensitivity has gone through the roof. Not even about asking people to play, but more feeling invisible and not being approached. I want to be able to deal with this better, and not dwell on a bad night, but I'm not sure what will help. Has anyone found anything that helps them deal with it?" I faced it many times due to various reason - once couple rejected me during play but asked for a lift back home as they were not driving and while ok the wash lady asked me if I had a good time in the Club - now I can give you a life lesson which applies to everting you aspire to do in life, accept the fact that you are “Not important” and “not neeeded” - ok this planet hanging in the space, and you are nothing but a traveller who is just here for few days - apply the same logic in every aspect of life - trust me it helps reducing all the anxiety, hyper brain activity, as you feel calm inside you, now you have got the power that no one can make you feel rejected..never, you become a super happy soul. Gradually yout happy soul will start attracting people that like you and love to be around you and to be specific want to play with you..nature helps you heal if you give enough space to heal you..everyday I wake up and the first thing I tell myself, I am not important..if someone ghosts me ignores me - I still tell myself, I am not important..that’s it, I am responsible for my mental health and I cannot others to own it and play with it. | |||
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