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A guide to being kinky (from a professional)

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By *.applebees OP   Man
9 weeks ago

Southampton

First, a bit of background. I was a professional dom for over two years and had a successful career in satisfying the diverse and complex needs of many clients. Now, onto the meat of the post.

The severe lack of kink literacy and communication skills on fab is beginning to drive me up the wall so this is my effort to improve that somewhat. In this I will cover three important tenants of engaging in kink or any kind of sex with people you don't know well or at all.

1. Communication

Nobody can read minds and no one will be exactly what you want right from the beginning. Both parties need to be open about what they want. Don't make people go through a guessing game because you'll end up disappointed and they'll end up frustrated. Once everyone's cards are on the table you can begin to match the colours and suits together. This is meant to streamline the process of sexual communication and develop a level of trust between both parties. We all want some sultry stranger to know exactly what we want and to want exactly the right things from us but that's not a mature way to view kink or sex. You have to have some good and clear conversation before anyone will get what they want. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again, put the effort in to do it because it's worth it in the end. No one is able to pull out your perfect fantasy without having a conversation with you first.

2. Consent

This is the most important part. Don't immediately throw someone into the fetish ring without telling them who they're fighting. If your dream woman is dominant, aggressive and confident then you should probably tell the women you talk to that you like that, it gives them an opportunity to act that way if they want or to say no if they're not comfortable with it. Secondly, the comfort of everyone involved is key. Never push someone to do something they haven't explicitly agreed to, it means you're putting your own physical satisfaction above the comfort and enjoyment of other people. It's a horrible thing to do and only makes other people feel used or disrespected.

3. Calm

Everyone can get a bit fired up when it comes to kink or sex, it's understandable. But maintaining a polite and friendly attitude is important. Introduce yourself like you're about to ask a complete stranger about their sexual preferences (because that's exactly what is happening). Don't dive right into the dirty talk and don't expect others to do the same. We all might want that in some way but its much nicer and much more responsible to introduce yourself and chat normally first. Keep your cool, stay normal and treat everyone like the hopeful stranger that they are.

If you're doing these three things well then the rest is really up to you. Listen to people, answer their questions, focus on fulfilling their desires so that they can focus on fulfilling yours.

I hope that this has been useful or interesting, happy fabbing x

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By *tevieboyyyMan
9 weeks ago

Waterlooville

Not yet been in this situation; totally resonates.

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By *nesCouple
9 weeks ago

Milton Keynes, city of dreams

Thx

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By *icentiousCouple
9 weeks ago

Up on them there hills

Paradigms are awfully restrictive doesn’t one think?

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By *nSearchOf12Couple
8 weeks ago

London

Agree that Fab is not all that kink literate, but in fairness, there are other places to go if that's what you're looking for.

That said, isn't the missing piece in your advice "risk awareness"?

Consent must be fully informed to be valid. If someone consents to something without properly understanding the risks it involves, it isn't valid.

A lot of kink is risky to a greater or lesser degree. When someone asks someone else to engage in something, it is incumbent on them to be knowledeable and educated about the risks involved and communicate those clearly to the other party.

P.S. Language obsessive: you mean "tenets" not "tenants" in your second paragraph

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By *wendolineFoxWoman
8 weeks ago

Chester


"Paradigms are awfully restrictive doesn’t one think?"

I’d be interested in knowing a bit more about what you mean, please.

In my experience clear communication, getting consent and treating people like human beings is the absolute bare minimum when you’re doing things that can be harmful and in a lot of cases, illegal.

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By *oveandfastWoman
8 weeks ago

Bromsgrove

Heavy on point three, that seems to go over a lot of people’s heads on here.

Also, dropping your kink in the first message you send is not demonstrating your understanding of consent.

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By *eadMeisterMan
8 weeks ago

Blanchardstown

Thanks

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Agree that Fab is not all that kink literate, but in fairness, there are other places to go if that's what you're looking for.

That said, isn't the missing piece in your advice "risk awareness"?

Consent must be fully informed to be valid. If someone consents to something without properly understanding the risks it involves, it isn't valid.

A lot of kink is risky to a greater or lesser degree. When someone asks someone else to engage in something, it is incumbent on them to be knowledeable and educated about the risks involved and communicate those clearly to the other party."

I would consider risk awareness to be an intrinsic aspect of consent. I guess I forgot to directly mention it because I can't imagine anyone considering uninformed consent valid. Possibly a failing on my part

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By *nSearchOf12Couple
8 weeks ago

London

Agree it *should* implicitly be part of informed consent - but if there's a big knowledge asymmetry (for instance, when an experienced, knowledgable kinkster is introducing a type of play to someone who is new to kink in general), it may not be at all evident to the newbie that they are not actually as informed as they think they are.

Slightly contrived example:

Does a newbie bottom who gives an enthusiastic "yes please!" to an offer of energetic rough sex in metal handcuffs - on the grounds that it sounds like a safely familiar concept - know that carries a risk of nerve damage to the wrists? Not necessarily.

This happens in more "vanilla" scenarios too - does everyone in the swinging world understand that condoms only provide limited protection against some STIs and that many people who carry those STIs are symptomless and unaware of it? Not in our experience, tbh.

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By *wendolineFoxWoman
8 weeks ago

Chester

It’s the conundrum of ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ versus taking personal responsibility for the kink that you practise. I think assuming that you don’t have enough information to consent without doing at least some research is a sensible starting point.

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By *ngelLordCouple
8 weeks ago

Newport


"First, a bit of background. I was a professional dom for over two years and had a successful career in satisfying the diverse and complex needs of many clients. Now, onto the meat of the post.

The severe lack of kink literacy and communication skills on fab is beginning to drive me up the wall so this is my effort to improve that somewhat. In this I will cover three important tenants of engaging in kink or any kind of sex with people you don't know well or at all.

1. Communication

Nobody can read minds and no one will be exactly what you want right from the beginning. Both parties need to be open about what they want. Don't make people go through a guessing game because you'll end up disappointed and they'll end up frustrated. Once everyone's cards are on the table you can begin to match the colours and suits together. This is meant to streamline the process of sexual communication and develop a level of trust between both parties. We all want some sultry stranger to know exactly what we want and to want exactly the right things from us but that's not a mature way to view kink or sex. You have to have some good and clear conversation before anyone will get what they want. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again, put the effort in to do it because it's worth it in the end. No one is able to pull out your perfect fantasy without having a conversation with you first.

2. Consent

This is the most important part. Don't immediately throw someone into the fetish ring without telling them who they're fighting. If your dream woman is dominant, aggressive and confident then you should probably tell the women you talk to that you like that, it gives them an opportunity to act that way if they want or to say no if they're not comfortable with it. Secondly, the comfort of everyone involved is key. Never push someone to do something they haven't explicitly agreed to, it means you're putting your own physical satisfaction above the comfort and enjoyment of other people. It's a horrible thing to do and only makes other people feel used or disrespected.

3. Calm

Everyone can get a bit fired up when it comes to kink or sex, it's understandable. But maintaining a polite and friendly attitude is important. Introduce yourself like you're about to ask a complete stranger about their sexual preferences (because that's exactly what is happening). Don't dive right into the dirty talk and don't expect others to do the same. We all might want that in some way but its much nicer and much more responsible to introduce yourself and chat normally first. Keep your cool, stay normal and treat everyone like the hopeful stranger that they are.

If you're doing these three things well then the rest is really up to you. Listen to people, answer their questions, focus on fulfilling their desires so that they can focus on fulfilling yours.

I hope that this has been useful or interesting, happy fabbing x

"

👍👍

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By *nSearchOf12Couple
8 weeks ago

London


"It’s the conundrum of ‘you don’t know what you don’t know’ versus taking personal responsibility for the kink that you practise. I think assuming that you don’t have enough information to consent without doing at least some research is a sensible starting point. "

This!!

More, better sex ed in general and extra classes if you have an interest in niche practices...

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By *atureguy65Man
8 weeks ago

Dorchester

Hi, OP.

Perhaps I'm exposing my naivety, but you say you were a professional Dom.

Just for info, does this literally mean the activity provided you with your sole income for two years?

Ps - I don't work for HMRC!!

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Hi, OP.

Perhaps I'm exposing my naivety, but you say you were a professional Dom.

Just for info, does this literally mean the activity provided you with your sole income for two years?

Ps - I don't work for HMRC!!

"

Don't worry, HMRC and I are well acquainted ahah. Yes it was my full time job for two years and ~ 8 months.

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By *aTina HeadTurnerWoman
8 weeks ago

Travelling

Sorry OP, can’t help but notice your current status update kinda contradicts no.3, no?

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
8 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Hi, OP.

Perhaps I'm exposing my naivety, but you say you were a professional Dom.

Just for info, does this literally mean the activity provided you with your sole income for two years?

Ps - I don't work for HMRC!!

Don't worry, HMRC and I are well acquainted ahah. Yes it was my full time job for two years and ~ 8 months. "

Oof. You must have been loaded. 3 or 4 hours a week takes in more than a full time job for most people.

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By *wendolineFoxWoman
8 weeks ago

Chester

I’ve got zero skin in this game, but I’m not sure why so many people are needling at OP when they’re just trying to be helpful?

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Sorry OP, can’t help but notice your current status update kinda contradicts no.3, no? "

People are allowed to become frustrated and express that emotion. It just shouldn't be directed at individuals or form a part of your dialogue with other people when discussing fetish/kink/sex with them

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"I’ve got zero skin in this game, but I’m not sure why so many people are needling at OP when they’re just trying to be helpful? "

They're all genuine questions and reasonable concerns, just more opportunities to clarify and inform people

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Oof. You must have been loaded. 3 or 4 hours a week takes in more than a full time job for most people."

Rates for male doms are much lower than for female doms, it's a consequence of generally low demand. I did however earn very comfortably and I'm still very thankful for the opportunity I had.

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By *olinOfBathMan
8 weeks ago

Corsham


"Rates for male doms are much lower than for female doms, it's a consequence of generally low demand..."

Surely, the Rolf Harris resemblance must have helped...?!?

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
8 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Oof. You must have been loaded. 3 or 4 hours a week takes in more than a full time job for most people.

Rates for male doms are much lower than for female doms, it's a consequence of generally low demand. I did however earn very comfortably and I'm still very thankful for the opportunity I had."

Really? Male professionals around here tend to be marginally less but still talking triple figures per hour for the basics, well into that range if they have specialisms and their own equipped space.

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Really? Male professionals around here tend to be marginally less but still talking triple figures per hour for the basics, well into that range if they have specialisms and their own equipped space."

It was usually triple figures yeah sorry ahah. I had a different mental conception of what you meant by "loaded"

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"Surely, the Rolf Harris resemblance must have helped...?!?"

Genuinely never heard this comparison before, always nice to hear a new one (shame it's someone so repugnant).

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
8 weeks ago

Carlisle usually


"Really? Male professionals around here tend to be marginally less but still talking triple figures per hour for the basics, well into that range if they have specialisms and their own equipped space.

It was usually triple figures yeah sorry ahah. I had a different mental conception of what you meant by "loaded" "

40 hours on a week on minimum wage was less than 5 hours pro work then.

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"40 hours on a week on minimum wage was less than 5 hours pro work then. "

Not by much but technically yeah, assuming all sessions were at my minimum rate which was never the case

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By *oxy jWoman
8 weeks ago

taunton somerset

so genuine question what set you as a professional dom and i know a few ladies who do bdsm as a full time job and they dont call themselves professional so what did you do to earn that tag.. genuine question

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"so genuine question what set you as a professional dom and i know a few ladies who do bdsm as a full time job and they dont call themselves professional so what did you do to earn that tag.. genuine question"

They probably do a very similar thing to the one I did, the only real distinction is gender. Pro-dom is a clunky name that doesn't work well for this exact reason ahah. Usually I say dominatrix but it's so heavily female-coded it causes more confusion than clarity most of the time. Really the only reason I use pro-dom is to set me aside from normal doms (not a job) and dominatrixs (almost all women). The "pro" prefix is just to establish that it was my job rather than a hobby or personal preference. I received training obviously but that doesn't make me a professional anymore than doing an electrical apprenticeship makes you a professional electrician.

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By *ot MediterraneanCouple
8 weeks ago

Bedfordshire

Hands up to this post!!!! 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

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By *weetRollMan
8 weeks ago

Angus/Dundee/Perth


"First, a bit of background. I was a professional dom for over two years and had a successful career in satisfying the diverse and complex needs of many clients. Now, onto the meat of the post.

The severe lack of kink literacy and communication skills on fab is beginning to drive me up the wall so this is my effort to improve that somewhat. In this I will cover three important tenants of engaging in kink or any kind of sex with people you don't know well or at all.

1. Communication

Nobody can read minds and no one will be exactly what you want right from the beginning. Both parties need to be open about what they want. Don't make people go through a guessing game because you'll end up disappointed and they'll end up frustrated. Once everyone's cards are on the table you can begin to match the colours and suits together. This is meant to streamline the process of sexual communication and develop a level of trust between both parties. We all want some sultry stranger to know exactly what we want and to want exactly the right things from us but that's not a mature way to view kink or sex. You have to have some good and clear conversation before anyone will get what they want. Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again, put the effort in to do it because it's worth it in the end. No one is able to pull out your perfect fantasy without having a conversation with you first.

2. Consent

This is the most important part. Don't immediately throw someone into the fetish ring without telling them who they're fighting. If your dream woman is dominant, aggressive and confident then you should probably tell the women you talk to that you like that, it gives them an opportunity to act that way if they want or to say no if they're not comfortable with it. Secondly, the comfort of everyone involved is key. Never push someone to do something they haven't explicitly agreed to, it means you're putting your own physical satisfaction above the comfort and enjoyment of other people. It's a horrible thing to do and only makes other people feel used or disrespected.

3. Calm

Everyone can get a bit fired up when it comes to kink or sex, it's understandable. But maintaining a polite and friendly attitude is important. Introduce yourself like you're about to ask a complete stranger about their sexual preferences (because that's exactly what is happening). Don't dive right into the dirty talk and don't expect others to do the same. We all might want that in some way but its much nicer and much more responsible to introduce yourself and chat normally first. Keep your cool, stay normal and treat everyone like the hopeful stranger that they are.

If you're doing these three things well then the rest is really up to you. Listen to people, answer their questions, focus on fulfilling their desires so that they can focus on fulfilling yours.

I hope that this has been useful or interesting, happy fabbing x

"

I hope the people that need to read this the most will find it and actually follow it because this truly is fundamental stuff that should be ignored at your own peril.

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By *ensualMan
8 weeks ago

Sutton

You posted this before and I disagreed with it then and I still disagree with it.

Generally I try to be helpful and it would take too long to critique.

Therefore my thoughts on getting into kink are as follows.

Do the work. That is try to understand what it is you are seeking for as a kinky person and who you are as a kinky person. As a newbie accept that it is a journey and you may find yourself somewhere different from where you started. Read up about kink behaviour, protocols and skills.

Even if you feel you are naturally Dominant or submissive do the research to understand what the kink world is about.

Be honest. Don't lie to get what you want or say what you think someone wants to hear. E.g :I have no limits".

Kink is not an alternative reality. Being in the kink world does not mean that you do not treat people with respect, there is not special dispensation that says kink allows you to treat people badly. However, fully consensual play is not treating people badly. It is fair exchange.

Take your time, and if anyone tries to rush you that is a red flag.

Kink is not necessarily sexual, there is nothing wrong if someone's kink is sexual. But sexual or not (and even if you identify as a submissive) you don't have to go along with their kink if you feel uncomfortable or it's not your thing.

Finally no matter how hot it shows being a Dominant or a submissive, porn kink is not real kink.

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"You posted this before and I disagreed with it then and I still disagree with it.

Generally I try to be helpful and it would take too long to critique.

Therefore my thoughts on getting into kink are as follows.

Do the work. That is try to understand what it is you are seeking for as a kinky person and who you are as a kinky person. As a newbie accept that it is a journey and you may find yourself somewhere different from where you started. Read up about kink behaviour, protocols and skills.

Even if you feel you are naturally Dominant or submissive do the research to understand what the kink world is about.

Be honest. Don't lie to get what you want or say what you think someone wants to hear. E.g :I have no limits".

Kink is not an alternative reality. Being in the kink world does not mean that you do not treat people with respect, there is not special dispensation that says kink allows you to treat people badly. However, fully consensual play is not treating people badly. It is fair exchange.

Take your time, and if anyone tries to rush you that is a red flag.

Kink is not necessarily sexual, there is nothing wrong if someone's kink is sexual. But sexual or not (and even if you identify as a submissive) you don't have to go along with their kink if you feel uncomfortable or it's not your thing.

Finally no matter how hot it shows being a Dominant or a submissive, porn kink is not real kink.

"

I agree with everything here, I struggle to see how it clashes with my own advice. My own is definitely less specific but it seems the two sets of pointers compliment eachother quite well. What issue do you take with mine?

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By *.applebees OP   Man
8 weeks ago

Southampton


"I hope the people that need to read this the most will find it and actually follow it because this truly is fundamental stuff that should be ignored at your own peril. "

I hope so too

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