FabSwingers.com forum: Swingers cheating help

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I'm not one to bring domestic issues onto Fab, or to air my dirty laundry publicly, but this is an issue I can't talk through with my family/friends as it would mean revealing what I get up to in the evenings so on this occasion I'm making an exception.

Me and my partner have been swinging on and off almost as long as we have been together - about 2 and a half years. Today while browsing single males back in our home area (planning some Easter holiday fun) I stumble across my boyfriend's single male profile which I knew nothing about complete with 4 verifications.

When I confronted him he admitted everything and was very upset saying its a stupid mistake and he regrets it. He says it wasn't my fault and that sometimes he would have an argument with me and get so upset he would meet a couple then instantly regret it. We spend a lot of time apart with work but I always trusted him as he had been cheated on and I knew how much it upset him. Right now I can't get my head around what would make him do this, and to do it repeatedly. It has broken my heart and I despise him for what he has done, but somewhere deep down I want to forgive him IF (and it would take a long time) I was ever able to trust him.

I can't talk to anyone about it cos it centers around Fab and it obviously has an effect on things. So I'm putting it to you - am I being a complete idiot to think that I would ever be able to trust him again? Before this we were planning to get married, now I'm planning to burn his stuff.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Id take a long break from everything fab related, for both of you!

Honesty and openess are so important in swinging.

If a friend of yours said her boyfriend had been and slept with four seperate women behind her back, think what you would tell her to do

Just because he did it on fab, it still makes it cheating.

Hope you sort things out!

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By *ngel n tedCouple
over a year ago

maidstone

If me and angel have an argument, we tend to not to talk to each other for a bit, not contact a couple for sex. What the couple above have written makes good sense.

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By *rightonsteveMan
over a year ago

Brighton - even Hove!

It takes a lot of time, effort and planning to meet up just once, never mind four times. You have your doubts and your gut instinct. Take a break from fab and him and then decide what is best for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/03/13 16:50:01]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I find it even more sad when a partner can cheat on their partner while being on this particular scene...baffles me, moreso than those playing without consent from non-scene partners

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hiya hunnie xxx yes I'm a single fem and not one to judge but I'm sending huggles to you and just to say like about you should take fab time out and think about if it was a mate of yours who,s guy had done it and what you would advice her to do xxx hope this helps hunnieeee xxxx from lolli xxx

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By *eal_Dick_TurpinMan
over a year ago

Exeter

it's a rather pointless question because as usual with these questions the only imformation not given to us is the only information that counts.

Do you currently co-habit and have an agreement in place that you are both faithful.

If such an agreement was in place then one of you is a liar, and if one party in a contract is a liar it is game over, forever.

Burning his shit is childish, and illegal, and thrown in to question your whole position of being the wronged adult... just end it... or don't.

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich

If he's had 4 meets how many must he have tried to meet?

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By *eaverfeverCouple
over a year ago

nr Manchester

Must be hard.i would not be happy one bit if my bf did that. I know its hard but i would just go and open single female profile and play him at his own game, he obviously doesnt care about you. deserve better than that. X

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

can I just add...and REALLY sorry but I know how negative this is, and a relationship should be worked on on all problems.

why would I make a mistake 4 times? have a profile? accept verifications?(the verification system is designed to obtain more meets in my opinion)

..and the verifications are only what uve seen

sorry I'm just being very realistic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Can't understand why he hadn't blocked you to stop him showing up on your searches, come to think of it, do you often search for single men alone or were you window shopping for a potential 3sum?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly I am very sorry to hear your bad news, Hubby and I have been together along time, not once have either of us felt the need to play away if we had a fall out. We have threatened to walk out at one point or another during an argument over the years but love keeps us together.

As others have said it does take a while to sort out a meet therefore it sounds like he has been trying to sort out meets for a while without you knowing, he is using the excuse that you were fell out that caused him to play away because you caught him out. In reality he was going to play away regardless of you being fell out or not.

I don't want to make you feel any worse than you already do think about ten years from now, do you want to be checking the history on the pc when he is not around or checking his phone behind his back cause you can't trust him?

There are two sides to every story and I am going off what you have said I would move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I find it even more sad when a partner can cheat on their partner while being on this particular scene...baffles me, moreso than those playing without consent from non-scene partners"

Exactly this.

What would you say if it was a friend asking your opinion? That's your answer.

Sending big hugs. xx

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By *ilandlarryCouple
over a year ago

more north lincs than mids!

"it's a rather pointless question because as usual with these questions the only imformation not given to us is the only information that counts.

Do you currently co-habit and have an agreement in place that you are both faithful.

If such an agreement was in place then one of you is a liar, and if one party in a contract is a liar it is game over, forever.

Burning his shit is childish, and illegal, and thrown in to question your whole position of being the wronged adult... just end it... or don't."

I'm sorry but what does it matter whether they co-habitate or have an "agreement" in place. If you sleep with someone else without your partner's knowledge then it's cheating, pure and simple.

I didn't sign an agreement when I got together with my husband, but you can be damned sure I would be kicking his arse to the kerb if I found out he had had sex with someone else on 4 different occasions.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

OP - as your profile is hidden I have no idea of your relative ages etc and little details can have a large bearing on any response or view I would offer.

From the bare bones of what you have said, IF.... what you have said is true and your OH is going off and having furtive sex with people - specifically couples, which is what made me re-read your original post - in a way which appears to be designed to hurt you, then I would have to say you appear to have a very big problem on your hands.

But, having said that, I am not overly keen on what you say in your last sentence about burning his stuff. That will solve NOTHING.

The first thing you need to do is take a time-out from anything connected with swinging. The two of you need to have a VERY frank conversation - NOT shouting match - and get everything out in the open.

I do not believe he is doing this solely because he loses an argument. I have a feeling you will find this is far more deep seated, and I would also question what you currently understand about what has happened to him before. I have been cheated on, in possibly the worst way it could happen, and I did not go out and have sex with anyone else when I lost an argument with my new partner. There is more going on there than you appear to know.

Wish you luck with it...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"it's a rather pointless question because as usual with these questions the only imformation not given to us is the only information that counts.

Do you currently co-habit and have an agreement in place that you are both faithful.

If such an agreement was in place then one of you is a liar, and if one party in a contract is a liar it is game over, forever.

Burning his shit is childish, and illegal, and thrown in to question your whole position of being the wronged adult... just end it... or don't.

I'm sorry but what does it matter whether they co-habitate or have an "agreement" in place. If you sleep with someone else without your partner's knowledge then it's cheating, pure and simple.

we only did it once

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Id take a long break from everything fab related, for both of you!

Honesty and openess are so important in swinging.

If a friend of yours said her boyfriend had been and slept with four seperate women behind her back, think what you would tell her to do

Just because he did it on fab, it still makes it cheating.

Hope you sort things out!"

I agree.

Trust is a massive issue, even more so here. Whether people agree with me or not, being here puts everything in a grey area unless you establish clear do's and don'ts.

You need to focus on each other and build up the foundations you had before. Sounds agony aunt but it's a case of physical and mental intimacy which is not strong enough to cope with this lifstyle right now.

I wish you both well.

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By *eal_Dick_TurpinMan
over a year ago

Exeter

I had no time for the freak when she was alive, but the winehouse woman summed it up very well.

Trust is like a mirror, once it is broken you can work and put it back together, but the cracks always show.

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By *eal_Dick_TurpinMan
over a year ago

Exeter

I said when I got together with him .... before he was my husband. I didn't just meet him and 5 days later we were married. Even in those days/weeks/months/years if he had cheated on me then he would be gone. I also didn't sign an agreement when I married him, I signed a marriage certificate. And incase you need to know, we didn't include the part of "foresaking all others" that is usually in marriage vows.

The OP did say they were planning on marrying, that's a pretty big thing in my eyes."

so, by definition and by your own choices and words.

1/ a marriage certificate IS a contract, in which you register the fact that you are married and will abide by the vows given.

2/ since you did not agree to forsake all others, then neither of you can cheat, because no exclusivity was promised

"planning" on getting married is like "planning" to buy a house or have a baby, it doesn't mean shit.

As usual these threads ignore the only thing that mattered, did party A lie to party B?

If yes then "game over"

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By *yrdwomanWoman
over a year ago

Putting the 'cum' in Eboracum

Single woman here too, although I have had open relationships where the man still went behind my back.

I agree with the people saying you both need to take a break from Fab. Not just hide the profile, but delete, and he needs to delete his. If Fab means more than the relationship then that's one indication of whats wrong. Then work on what is maybe lacking for both of you. We are not getting his side of this but after all you must both be content with the outcome. Don't burn his stuff and don't put him constantly on the defensive. If he feels he won't be trusted ever again there is a chance he'll go back to going behind your back.

To be honest there are no simple answers or quick fixes. Either you want to stay with him, so work through this. Or you'll never really trust him again, in which case you'd both be happier apart. Good luck.

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By *igboobies42Woman
over a year ago

Essex

First of all I'm sending a big hug(( ))

Secondly I think you should take a break from fab and him until you feel you can deal with things with more head than heart. Then have a conversation with him about why it happened and whether you can trust him again. Only after this can you make a decision and then hopefully you can move on as a single or a couple. Good luck x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I met My ex on another site and thought we were having a monogamus relationship. He cheated on me twice and ruined what I thought was a perfect relationship.

I tried to forgive him after the first time, but the second just killed it for me.

I have no regrets from walking away even though it hurt.

Good luck in what ever you decide to do and please put yourself first. Big hugs xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The OP did say they were planning on marrying, that's a pretty big thing in my eyes.

so, by definition and by your own choices and words.

1/ a marriage certificate IS a contract, in which you register the fact that you are married and will abide by the vows given.

2/ since you did not agree to forsake all others, then neither of you can cheat, because no exclusivity was promised

"planning" on getting married is like "planning" to buy a house or have a baby, it doesn't mean shit.

As usual these threads ignore the only thing that mattered, did party A lie to party B?

If yes then "game over""

A marriage certificate is a purely a legal document to show that the marriage has been legally carried out and recorded by someone (Vicar/Priest/Registrar) who is licensed to register that marriage.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its all about trust and respect. Talk to him and work out if you can stay with him and if you can trust him again and him regain your respect. Personally I would bin him but we are all different.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Based on the one side given I would say three things. To make that "mistake" four times involves having tried to make it many more. Not blocking and showing veris means he hoped you'd see his profile, he wanted to get found out. Saying it was when you'd had an argument means in his terms that it was your fault not his.

I wonder how long it will be before he accused you of the same due to him having "evidence" of you looking at single mens profiles.

I suspect that there is way more to this on both sides (isn't there always) but I would walk away as fast as you can if you can't both agree some basic terms and stick to them.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Firstly big hugs and ignore some of the more insensitive replies to your post.

My ex cheated on me and totally broke my heart but I kicked him out there and then as I didn't want to spend my life checking up on him, not trusting him etc etc.

I know how you must be feeling, but I have to say I think you should take some time apart from him and see, after some time, whether you still want to work at being together. It could work in the long run but I suspect this will have changed how you feel about him permanently.

As said before, everyone has "arguments", not everyone uses them as a green light to go and cheat...several times.

Feel for you hun. It does get easier

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Cheating is cheating, whether a husband of twenty years or a swing partner/boyfriend. If you lose faith and trust, the next to go is your respect for him, mind you I think your partner has shown all three mean little to him.

I don't ever see a relationship without respect lasting.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks everybody there have been some fantastic answers you've given me a lot of good advice and things to think about.

I know putting fab to one side is vital and trust me I'm not browsing anymore! I was looking for a single male for us both to meet over Easter, we always met single males off here and we would both take a look and compare notes on which profiles had caught our eyes. This account is our couple's account that I have hidden and will delete - the only reason I haven't is cos I just needed some advice off fellow swingers first.

For those that wanted to know - we are in our mid twenties and live apart but not through choice (thank you armed forces). We both have high stress jobs working very long days but tend to meet up for weekends. It honestly amazes me he found the time! Yes planning to get married means very little but we didn't see the point in making it official until we could live together after the re-jig the army is having next year.

I'm sure there is a side to his story he is yet to tell as his current explanation doesn't really hold for me. A couple of you said to look at the real reason this happened and I think that's great advice thank you

Don't worry guys I wouldn't really burn his stuff - my job means too much to me

It's just how angry he has made me feel.

Thanks again for all your wonderful advice

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By *andACouple
over a year ago

glasgow

"When I confronted him he admitted everything and was very upset saying its a stupid mistake and he regrets it. He says it wasn't my fault... "

That was big of him to say it wasn't your fault

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By *abioMan
over a year ago

Newcastle and Gateshead

i "may" have called it a mistake if it was once....

4 times...... thats not a mistake... thats a pattern...

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By *ezebelWoman
over a year ago

North of The Wall - youll need your vest

"Thanks everybody there have been some fantastic answers you've given me a lot of good advice and things to think about.

Don't worry guys I wouldn't really burn his stuff - my job means too much to me

It's just how angry he has made me feel.

Thanks again for all your wonderful advice

xx"

Thats a very sane post when Im sure youre not feeling it!

I really hope it all works out for you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Based on the one side given I would say three things. To make that "mistake" four times involves having tried to make it many more. Not blocking and showing veris means he hoped you'd see his profile, he wanted to get found out. Saying it was when you'd had an argument means in his terms that it was your fault not his.

I wonder how long it will be before he accused you of the same due to him having "evidence" of you looking at single mens profiles.

I suspect that there is way more to this on both sides (isn't there always) but I would walk away as fast as you can if you can't both agree some basic terms and stick to them."

That was exactly my thoughts, the unhidden, unblocked profile complete with verifications made me think he wanted to be caught. Either that or he is very arrogant, very stupid or both.

Blaming you, in my opinion, is as bad if not worse than cheating. And worryingly it smacks of an abusive controlling mindset.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm very sorry to hear that.

I think if you love him you should try and get through this, but should definitely take a break from swinging for as long as it takes for the trust to come back. But do ask yourself if you want to be with someone who could do that to you in the first place? x

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