FabSwingers.com forum: After Care

By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Looking for advice . Is after care important ? Particularly after intense sessions . Do you think lack of after care can be detrimental ?

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By *he Black ExperienceMan
47 weeks ago

banbury

Oh definitely. It's a non negotiable. A cuddle, a kiss,gentle stroking. To as far as a cuppa lol.

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By *cottish guy 555Man
47 weeks ago

London

"Looking for advice . Is after care important ? Particularly after intense sessions . Do you think lack of after care can be detrimental ? "

A lack of after care can be very detrimental

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Thanks guys . Just reaching out to see what people’s experiences are . Had a particularly intense ( really enjoyable ) experience recently with someone I’ve met regularly . Think the intensity took us both by surprise. Would usually have a follow up from them but radio silence .. it’s hit me a little hard

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By *straeus and AthenaCouple
47 weeks ago

Canterbury

Yup, we always aftercare when we've had an intense session. Important for us as we have a D/s dynamic and we both need some attention once all's said and done. Sub and Dom drop are very real things!

Sometimes it's talking through things, other times it's just a cuddle with each other and the cat!

A&a xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Would you advise addressing it with the person or just leave it be

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By *straeus and AthenaCouple
47 weeks ago

Canterbury

I think if it's radio silence then it may do more harm than good to be honest. Aftercare is good for grounding each other but if you don't have that, the other option is self care which is just a different approach. Consider what you enjoyed about the experience, if you feel negative about anything, think about why and how you would reinforce the positive and limit the negative in future. And remind yourself that it's ok to like things others don't!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Thank you . That’s good advice and agree about doing more harm than good . Just uncomfortable to sit with those feelings , it’s taken me by surprise as our communication had been so good before

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By *imply DeeWoman
47 weeks ago

Wherever

Crucial for me.

I can go into severe sub drops if there’s no suitable after care.

It doesn’t really need to be after d/s session, sometimes also after an intense play time.

I am very aware of this now but I’ve been through some really rough times.

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By (user no longer on site)
47 weeks ago

After care is very important from cuddles to a convo later on just checking in.

Radio silence and/or ghosting is arsehole behaviour (imho)

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By *imisugarWoman
47 weeks ago

Rugby

"Thank you . That’s good advice and agree about doing more harm than good . Just uncomfortable to sit with those feelings , it’s taken me by surprise as our communication had been so good before "

Sorry you've been treated this way, especially from someone who has met your needs previously.

Hope you recover quickly.

I personally would distance/block this person from my life.

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By *ope_kisses22Couple
47 weeks ago

Hyde

It's not great that you feel a little abandoned

Devils advocate... maybe they're processing it their own way or some 'drop' from them too? Specially if this is 'out of the norm' for their communication too.

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By *llaandGCouple
47 weeks ago

London

"After care is very important from cuddles to a convo later on just checking in.

Radio silence and/or ghosting is arsehole behaviour (imho) "

Radio silence may mean your partner is struggling to deal with the intensity of what happened - I agree with the poster above that says dom drop is real. It may not be ghosting.

I would suggest a simple "hey, just wanted to touch base and see how you are after the other day, would.love to talk about it"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Thank you for that . That has crossed my mind also and was very. Mindful of that too . As time has passed , I feel they may just want to put it behind them , leave the experience at that . Which is their prerogative . I don’t want to be unkind to the other person either

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

I agree with you totally . This is definitely something I’ve considered . And I can’t help but feel responsible for them too if that makes sense

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By *elkieWoman
47 weeks ago

Durham

If you’ve reached out and got radio silence, I think you have an answer. I’m sorry.

I don’t often do casual kink because I drop badly, but I also rely on my friends to get me through surprise drop - because for me aftercare is vital. Is there anyone you can talk to in person about it?

And I’m sorry this happened

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By *ossannCouple
47 weeks ago

London

I think sometimes, if you want that kind of arrangement, you need to be seeking people on dating sites - not sex sites. I have to say that I am not here to have the same sort of obligations that I would in a dating relationship. So long periods of snuggles after sex and things like that, that's probably not on the cards.

Yes I'm kinky. Yes I understand aftercare. But I wouldn't be seeking regular, kinky partners on Fab to provide me aftercare after intense sessions. I just don't think the majority of people (guys especially) are here to develop those kinds of expectations and commitment, for want of a better word.

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By *ebaucherous_duoCouple
47 weeks ago

Bristol/ Daventry

Aftercare is essential for both tops and bottoms. Top-drop is a very real thing too. It is worth both parties discussing their needs and planning it into the scene and days after. Sub-drop and top-drop tend to happen 2/3 days after particularly intense scenes as it relates to the adrenaline/dopmine cycle. If the other party is unable to provide it and it’s something you want/need (I definitely need it, sad Tuesday is very real for me!), personally, I wouldn’t play with them. Equally if they don’t know what they need, it is a major (!!!) red flag and indication of an inexperienced player and I would rest with absolute caution and stick to shorter scenes and less intensity until you both learn what each other needs.

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By (user no longer on site)
47 weeks ago

I only ever request a sandwich to be honest

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By *ebaucherous_duoCouple
47 weeks ago

Bristol/ Daventry

Please, note I use the term sub drop and top drop purposefully while many “subs” on here are really bottoms, these are the terms you’re most likely to be able to find useful support on Google and fetish sites. I hope this helps?

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By *ellinever70Woman
47 weeks ago

Ayrshire

If you're engaging in casual sex with people you don't know very well at all, I think it's important to have your own strategies for taking care of yourself afterwards to avoid feeling in any way shitty.

Ultimately, I think there's a shelf life to casual stuff

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By *herryEatersCouple
47 weeks ago

East Cheshire

"Thanks guys . Just reaching out to see what people’s experiences are . Had a particularly intense ( really enjoyable ) experience recently with someone I’ve met regularly . Think the intensity took us both by surprise. Would usually have a follow up from them but radio silence .. it’s hit me a little hard "

That's not good !!, we always hope for repeat frequent meets but even getting a cozy social seems impossible on here these days

. Talking after care hell yes, kissing, cuddling, staying over, sharing showers, out for a meal in a cozy country pub then back to ours for more lol... The number we've met who talk of something regular but they're clearly serial monogamists !

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Thanks Guys , I’m finding all of your input so helpful in gaining perspective on this situation

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By *ossannCouple
47 weeks ago

London

That's not good !!, we always hope for repeat frequent meets but even getting a cozy social seems impossible on here these days

Maybe OKCupid is better for that type of thing? That's where I'd seek it out when I was looking. Not here.

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By *DW1983Man
47 weeks ago

Aberdeen, Leeds, Sheffield

You've had some really good advice already, but reading some of the comments I think it might be important to clarify whether you've reached out and had no reply, or are expecting him to be the first to message? From your first few posts, I suspect the latter.

As others have said, 'drop' can be a big thing for both partners. If the session was very intense and you haven't heard from him since... I understand why you're expecting him to reach out and check on you, but to me the fact that he hasn't could very well be a sign that he needs you to reach out and check on him. If you haven't already, please do, rather than sitting around trying to analyse or second guess it.

It could be that he's struggling with the intensity too, or worried it was too much, or just doesn't know how to approach it. Aftercare is very much a two way street.

I'd normally follow up afterwards but if for some reason I didn't, I'd probably expect a message saying "hey, I haven't heard from you. That's unusual. Everything ok?"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
47 weeks ago

Very good points that you’re addressing . And yes , I reached out the following day to ask if they were doing ok . I was aware that they found it extremely intense also . Their reply was uncharacteristically short , not like them at all . They said they were ok , hoped I was well . I attempted to engage further but they didn’t reply after their initial message . I sensed a disengagement from them . It was disappointing as not the norm from them.

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
47 weeks ago

Coventry

[Removed by poster at 06/01/24 19:16:38]

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
47 weeks ago

Coventry

After care or not and what constitutes it is something very specific to the individual, the type of experience/encounter and the combined chemistry of individuals involved. It's not the same for everyone and/or every encounter or situation.

It's not so much a mater of what other people need. It's a very personal matter for you. The main thing is to find the right people and encounters that work for you.

However often people fail to understand their own role and responsibility to communicate too. People aren't mind readers. Some people are better at reading others and/or checking in but you have a responsibility to communicate your needs too if you don't feel their being met. Of course if people are not listening or caring to your needs after you've communicated it then this is a good point to question are they a good match for you in the future. Naturally it sucks to feel low and a bit let down. I guess it's something you have to put down to experience. It's a lot why many women on here are wary. Unfortunately you can't control the actions of others but at least if you've communicated your needs you've done all you can do and hope they respond accordingly.

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By *ensualMan
47 weeks ago

Sutton

The above beat me to the punch.

In relation to BDSM, as a gloss on other views in the thread I would suggest that communication is more important than aftercare.

To explain further, aftercare should be discussed as part of the pre play discussion but it is not essential for everybody, and not everybody is able to give it.

If the parties requirements can't be met then they don't play with each other. It is only wrong if a party promises to give it but does not, or if someone does not want it the other tries to force it on them.

Also it is no big deal if someone does not know their aftercare requirements. It can take time to recognise the feelings of drop as people experience it differently. They then have to work out the method that work for them.

Additionally, there is always a first time.

What is important is the pre discussion and the offer to be available or check in.

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By *amieLDN22Man
46 weeks ago

London

Aftercare is essential when you're dealing with emotionally healthy human beings. We all have feelings.

I've had radio silence from someone I've had three wonderful experiences with. Tried to gloss over it at the time but it did hurt if I'm being honest.

Unfortunately there are a lot of sexual psychopaths on this site. This is why self-care is important as well.

There was a couple i was seeing at the beginning of my journey and failed to realise they need as much attention as anyone else. Taught me a very important lesson.

I do enjoy giving aftercare: talking, kissing, cuddling, overnights; morning wood treatment - my favourite

However, a simple message the next morning goes a long way. Thank the person. Let them know how they made you feel. Good or bad. Hide nothing and be honest. It's the best policy.

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By *xposedInTheMaleMan
46 weeks ago

Cap d'Agde

You haven't clarified what you mean by intense. Was it in an emotional sense, or a BDSM sense? Or was it just a very long game of chess?

To some extent what defines swinging is a lack of responsibility for the other party's emotional aftercare. If you find that shocking or hurtful then a swingers' site probably isn't the place for you.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you "caught feelings" and that isn't what he was looking for. In that case, there is absolutely nothing he can say that will cushion the blow.

If I've picked up the wrong end of the stick, then please correct me!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
46 weeks ago

I can certainly see what you’re saying and agree to some extent . I’m willing to take on the responsibly for my own investment in it and yes to some degree , in the context of the scenario that took place , I’ll admit I probably was seeking some form of emotional reassurance that they couldn’t provide . For context ; when I mentioned it was intense , it was a d/s dynamic that evolved on that occasion

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