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New to Dom and leg spreader advice wanted!

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By *P15 OP   Man
over a year ago

staines

Hey all,

While playing around the other night with a regular fwb we slipped into a bit of Dom Sub role play.

Neither of us had explored this before but it was hot as fuck.

We’ve discussed it since and both want to dive in further.

My lover is a bit shit at communication and also a big fan of spontaneity. Whereas I love talking about it, discussing in fine detail what I want to do and what she’d like.

So we’re at a bit of an impasse when planning our next session.

I’ve done a lot of reading so I feel pretty confident with boundaries and the “rules” that make it safe play (we’ve set hard and soft “no’s” and I know her well enough to see when we’re near her boundaries). But what I’d really like is to hear from experienced dom/sub practitioners if anyone has the time…

Particularly the learning curves you went in when you first started playing.

How do you portray a dominant personality during play? I was surprised how much I enjoyed being dominant, but it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me

What are some major turn ons and conversely rookie errors to avoid?

We’ve also bought a leg spreader bar, so any advice about how to use that, positions and tips would be greatly appreciated!

We’ve discussed enough to know we’re on the same page with what we find appealing, yes to dominant psychology/behaviour and restraint, no humiliation, no pain/impact.

Thanks for reading, any and all advice would be appreciated!

Pabs

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By *wendolineFoxWoman
over a year ago

Chester

Not wanting to rain on your parade, but the bit about your partner being rubbish about communication and preferring spontaneity is a bit worrying to me - none of this stuff is safe, there are ways to reduce risk, but at the end of the day everyone needs to enthusiastically consent, and there’s no way to effectively do that without detailed communication and assessment of risk first.

Of course you can mix things up and introduce some faux-spontaneity after.

I hope I’ve just misunderstood and panicked prematurely….

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You can’t go out of your way to portray and Dominant personality. You either are or are not.

However what I will add that is your partner needs to be able to communicate with you. You need almost a communication overload not just at the start but always

Communication

Honesty

Trust

Respect

Without those, the four pillars, don’t start

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By *P15 OP   Man
over a year ago

staines

That’s good advice, thanks very much.

We know each other very well. And I already know her boundaries. The plan is to take it slowly and discover what this looks like together. The trust is there already.

I appreciate your concern and will definitely talk to her again about what we’re planning

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By *P15 OP   Man
over a year ago

staines


"You can’t go out of your way to portray and Dominant personality. You either are or are not.

"

I don’t disagree. There’s already something in me, just looking to release it.

Thanks also for the good advice on the 4 pillars.

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By *uliette500Woman
over a year ago

Hull

Safe words, you think you know her boundaries and your own but you have never done this before.

You or her have no idea if anything you do might trigger a stress or anxiety reaction. It might just feel wrong or something that you start and find you don't want to continue once you get going.

You need safe words and I mean for BOTH of you.

If either says the safe word play stops immediately and you discuss what happened, how it felt etc etc.

You simply can't have a sub/Dom set up without communication.

You need to communicate to build up the trust needed for that kind of play.

If you can't trust her to communicate how can you trust her to safe word if she needs to.

You can't know anyone well enough to spot when they need to stop.

I am in a D/s relationship and my limits or boundaries can change so much depending on my mood and how I feel on the day. What I can accomplish with comfort one session I might not manage to even start the next time.

I wouldn't even contemplate D/s aye with someone who can't or won't communicate.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hey all,

While playing around the other night with a regular fwb we slipped into a bit of Dom Sub role play.

Neither of us had explored this before but it was hot as fuck.

We’ve discussed it since and both want to dive in further.

My lover is a bit shit at communication and also a big fan of spontaneity. Whereas I love talking about it, discussing in fine detail what I want to do and what she’d like.

So we’re at a bit of an impasse when planning our next session.

I’ve done a lot of reading so I feel pretty confident with boundaries and the “rules” that make it safe play (we’ve set hard and soft “no’s” and I know her well enough to see when we’re near her boundaries). But what I’d really like is to hear from experienced dom/sub practitioners if anyone has the time…

Particularly the learning curves you went in when you first started playing.

How do you portray a dominant personality during play? I was surprised how much I enjoyed being dominant, but it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me

What are some major turn ons and conversely rookie errors to avoid?

We’ve also bought a leg spreader bar, so any advice about how to use that, positions and tips would be greatly appreciated!

We’ve discussed enough to know we’re on the same page with what we find appealing, yes to dominant psychology/behaviour and restraint, no humiliation, no pain/impact.

Thanks for reading, any and all advice would be appreciated!

Pabs

"

Advice i (harry. Dom king in our relationship) can give is to make sure you stay receptive to how she’s feeling. If she seems to not like something so much, stop and do something else. If she’s loving it, carry on doing what youre doing!

In the style of sub queen and dom king that me and zito like to endulge in, it’s all centred around her feeling like a queen and me feeling like a king. So she’s doing everything i ask in order to please and pleasure me and im doing everything i can to make sure she’s having an incredible time.

But for learning curves it’ll just be all about what she likes. You need to take your time and study this woman and her body. Figure out exactly what she loves and use that info to give her incredible orgasms. - random tip but iv recently discovered licking zitos ankles makes her thighs shake. Neither of us had any idea about this before and weve been fucking for 4 years! Lol

For portraying a dominant personality; tbh in our marriage were equals. Neither one of us dominates the other. However when were getting kinky we address each other with titles, ours are king and queen. Theres always daddy, boss etc etc so many to choose from. Would highly recommend this as admittedly calling each other king and queen makes us both extremely horny and start fucking like animals.

Apart from this we also respond with yes sir/yes ma’am etc etc. its all about politeness to show respect.

And lastly i have a tone which i switch to when giving her commands. Hard to explain without a voice note but its a dominating deep voice which makes her instantly submit to whatever i say.

Think iv covered errors and turn ons above lol

And for leg spreader bar i can only suggest doggy and missionary as zito isnt a big fan of it. However combining it with a wedge (from lovehoney) can help you reach places in her pussy you’ve never been to before.

As a last tip i’ll mention the reason why we love this kink. Its all about us taking care of each other. Were both submitting (in different ways) our will in order to satisfy each other. We put each other before ourselves. Being loved and cared for in this way is what makes it so exhilarating and enjoyable

Hope this helps and feel free to dm us if you’d like to chat more

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Would really like to try this out. karen

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By *wendolineFoxWoman
over a year ago

Chester


"That’s good advice, thanks very much.

We know each other very well. And I already know her boundaries. The plan is to take it slowly and discover what this looks like together. The trust is there already.

I appreciate your concern and will definitely talk to her again about what we’re planning "

As someone else mentioned, don’t assume you know her boundaries today, if you discussed things yesterday. Things change, moods, aches and pains, changes in hormones might make certain areas more sensitive etc etc.

And, in the eyes of the law, a lot of what we do (eg impact) isn’t even legal in the UK, so for your own peace of mind you want to have active, enthusiastic consent for everything - never presume that you just magically know.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Also remember as a “Dominant” you have a voice as well. Not the shouty one. But if something makes you feel uncomfortable then it is up to you to tell them.

To have “play sessions” you both have to be in the right head space and equally committed to it for your physical and emotional and mental safety and there’s as well.

As said already. What was done before may not be done again. It’s about that head space on how you feel, but, that’s for both of you.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

Just play Bondage and discipline with communication and progress.

D/s is a whole different kettle of kippers.

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By *razytimesinloveCouple
over a year ago

SW Scotland

I completely know where you’re coming from with the spontaneity/planned issues. We have a very similar issue.

Mrs CT likes things done in the spur of the moment, whereas I like to have a good idea of the roleplay/scenario that I want to do. Things such as setting up ropes beforehand as I find it such a mood killer to set them up in the heat of the moment.

As mentioned communication is key, maybe give her a rough idea of what you’d like to try the next session and see if there’s anything to add/remove

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By *P15 OP   Man
over a year ago

staines


"everyone needs to enthusiastically consent, and there’s no way to effectively do that without detailed communication and assessment of risk first….

Of course you can mix things up and introduce some faux-spontaneity after.

I hope I’ve just misunderstood and panicked prematurely…."

I’ve been thinking on this. And also the later advice that ‘what is discussed yesterday may not be relevant today’

I’d already given consent and boundaries detailed thought. but as my partner is more wild with less boundaries than myself perhaps I need to look at this again.

I’d be interested to know what people do to navigate the line between being in control and staying safe? How do you gain explicit consent for an act without making it seem staged or overly pre planned? Someone kindly replied privately and they used the term “acting” which, if we slipped into that, would ruin the authenticity of the power play.

My partner is hugely turned on by the thought of being simultaneously out of control (she’s very in control of every other aspect of her life) and taken care of/protected.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

So: coming from someone who is also shit at communication. I do better with opt out consent, where everything is possible and I can say no at any time without a reason, then I do opt in. My partners also typically make me beg for things so they know it’s an enthusiastic yes - and because humiliation is fun

It’s not about cultivating your dominance, that’s already there, it’s about cultivating your presence. Look at using ritual to create headspace and being really intentional about how you move your body. Stay pressed against her during play so that she feels your absence when you step away. Let your facial expressions work for you.

Plus what everyone else said.

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By *ncutgemMan
over a year ago

Bath ish

I run sessions at a fetish studio in Bristol for couples who want to get to know the ins and outs of the wide range of equipment available there

We can just sit around and discuss how stuff works or move forward once we have established consent and discussed the importance of safety issues limits and after care and how they will be applied

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By *ensualMan
over a year ago

Sutton

When it comes to these activities people have different views. Mine is below but subject to consent and safety everyone is entitled to their own view.

I would first ask,what have you read on this area, as this may explain your confusion.

You say:

"We’ve discussed enough to know we’re on the same page with what we find appealing, yes to dominant psychology/behaviour and restraint, no humiliation, no pain/impact."

But this is a FWB and only happens in the bedroom. To my mind leading and following in the bedroom is not domination and submission, nor is using restraints in the bedroom.

Just using the words "Dominant and submissive" does not mean a D/s relationship exists as in classic D/s, nor that there is inherently "difficult" activities are happening.

To my mind what you are doing is"bedroom bondage" or "swinger D/s" which would not fall under the classic definition of D/s which requires "power exchange" or "authority exchange". This relates to a relationship and more than just bedroom play. Modern D/s also includes trust. respect etc.

In your description of your play there does not seem to be much in the way of potentially damaging psychological play. There is no impact and you are using cuffs not rope, so there is little scope for physical harm (subject to underlying medical conditions).

This seems furry handcuff stuff.

Yes, there is always some potential for psychological and physical damage. But I don't see it here.

As for guidance, it seems she is enjoying what you are doing, it sounds as if you are overthinking.

Unless you are are planning to go deeper and darker, where adult words are needed on both sides. In that space people need to be willing (on both sides) to do the work to help the other understand what they want, and to show genuine consent to what will be happening.

If this was the deep end of the pool I would be worried by her lack of communication although words are not the only way of communicating.

But you are adults playing in the shallow part of the pool. You need to show the care and attention and checking in with other as if you were having loving sex.

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By *d4fun73Man
over a year ago

Shipley


"Hey all,

While playing around the other night with a regular fwb we slipped into a bit of Dom Sub role play.

Neither of us had explored this before but it was hot as fuck.

We’ve discussed it since and both want to dive in further.

My lover is a bit shit at communication and also a big fan of spontaneity. Whereas I love talking about it, discussing in fine detail what I want to do and what she’d like.

So we’re at a bit of an impasse when planning our next session.

I’ve done a lot of reading so I feel pretty confident with boundaries and the “rules” that make it safe play (we’ve set hard and soft “no’s” and I know her well enough to see when we’re near her boundaries). But what I’d really like is to hear from experienced dom/sub practitioners if anyone has the time…

Particularly the learning curves you went in when you first started playing.

How do you portray a dominant personality during play? I was surprised how much I enjoyed being dominant, but it doesn’t necessarily come naturally to me

What are some major turn ons and conversely rookie errors to avoid?

We’ve also bought a leg spreader bar, so any advice about how to use that, positions and tips would be greatly appreciated!

We’ve discussed enough to know we’re on the same page with what we find appealing, yes to dominant psychology/behaviour and restraint, no humiliation, no pain/impact.

Thanks for reading, any and all advice would be appreciated!

Pabs

Advice i (harry. Dom king in our relationship) can give is to make sure you stay receptive to how she’s feeling. If she seems to not like something so much, stop and do something else. If she’s loving it, carry on doing what youre doing!

In the style of sub queen and dom king that me and zito like to endulge in, it’s all centred around her feeling like a queen and me feeling like a king. So she’s doing everything i ask in order to please and pleasure me and im doing everything i can to make sure she’s having an incredible time.

But for learning curves it’ll just be all about what she likes. You need to take your time and study this woman and her body. Figure out exactly what she loves and use that info to give her incredible orgasms. - random tip but iv recently discovered licking zitos ankles makes her thighs shake. Neither of us had any idea about this before and weve been fucking for 4 years! Lol

For portraying a dominant personality; tbh in our marriage were equals. Neither one of us dominates the other. However when were getting kinky we address each other with titles, ours are king and queen. Theres always daddy, boss etc etc so many to choose from. Would highly recommend this as admittedly calling each other king and queen makes us both extremely horny and start fucking like animals.

Apart from this we also respond with yes sir/yes ma’am etc etc. its all about politeness to show respect.

And lastly i have a tone which i switch to when giving her commands. Hard to explain without a voice note but its a dominating deep voice which makes her instantly submit to whatever i say.

Think iv covered errors and turn ons above lol

And for leg spreader bar i can only suggest doggy and missionary as zito isnt a big fan of it. However combining it with a wedge (from lovehoney) can help you reach places in her pussy you’ve never been to before.

As a last tip i’ll mention the reason why we love this kink. Its all about us taking care of each other. Were both submitting (in different ways) our will in order to satisfy each other. We put each other before ourselves. Being loved and cared for in this way is what makes it so exhilarating and enjoyable

Hope this helps and feel free to dm us if you’d like to chat more"

What's the wedge thing?

The key to all this is communication and discussion before hand.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

What's the wedge thing?

The key to all this is communication and discussion before hand. "

Google “lovehoney wedge” its the first link.

On the site its called “Liberator Microfibre Sex Position Wedge”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"

What's the wedge thing?

The key to all this is communication and discussion before hand.

Google “lovehoney wedge” its the first link.

On the site its called “Liberator Microfibre Sex Position Wedge”"

Imagine the 2nd photo of the models in missionary but a bar attached to her ankles. I usually hold the bar to push her legs back and pussy up to penetrate her deeper

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been keen to explore this for a while but it's just so difficult to build the trust up

You need to be able to communicate both way or it'll damage both of you

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