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Ms Clitbang | |||
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"That definitely echoes some of what I'm feeling. Perhaps rather than being affectionate, I just need to be direct. "I think you're hot, let's do some [insert sexy acts here]".
Ms Clitbang "Love that  everyone shows their desire in different ways, did you ask those folks what made them doubt your attraction? | |||
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"No. Although, I'm sure I could ask them. Mr Sprite asked me, mid hot-tub, because she had asked him, and I have to admit it knocked me for six and did put a bit of a dampener on the rest of the evening for me, because I couldn't work out what I was doing wrong. The thing is, he had already reassured her that I was interested in her partner before he asked me, because he was able to read me, but the others couldn't. Ms Clitbang " why couldn't the guy just have asked you? I don't really understand why his partner had to ask your partner  I also wonder why people think you need to behave like they do.
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"Yes!! The sex part, no problem at all! I don't want to turn round and tell Mr Sprite we can only have "wham, bam, thank you Ma'am" meets, because he likes the affection part, and clearly if I can give it to the ladies, I must have capacity for the men. I guess I just need practice!
Ms Clitbang "don't change how you are for casual sex, its not worth it | |||
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"Yes!! The sex part, no problem at all! I don't want to turn round and tell Mr Sprite we can only have "wham, bam, thank you Ma'am" meets, because he likes the affection part, and clearly if I can give it to the ladies, I must have capacity for the men. I guess I just need practice!
Ms Clitbang
don't change how you are for casual sex, its not worth it" | |||
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"This is all super good advice, thank you! Yes, I guess it is important to think whether I'm compromising myself for something that, ultimately, is just a casual bit of naughty fun. And also thinking of other ways to make my attraction clear, without straying into behaviour that doesn't sit right with me. Ms Clitbang x" I think sucking someone's cock should make it clear enough that theirs some kind of attraction …
Do you have boundaries as a couple as I think I read that you are not comfortable with your husband having that kind of affection either ..Never do anything your uncomfortable with just because you think it’s what the other people are expecting.. | |||
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"Op you've got a lot of verifications, is this the first time this has been mentioned?" Second time, to me, both fairly recently. Gosh, that's made me worried that loads of them thought I was a cold bitch but didn't mention it... 
Ms Clitbang | |||
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"I think sucking someone's cock should make it clear enough that theirs some kind of attraction …
Do you have boundaries as a couple as I think I read that you are not comfortable with your husband having that kind of affection either ..Never do anything your uncomfortable with just because you think it’s what the other people are expecting.."Well, that's what I thought, lol! We haven't got a lot of boundaries, it's not something we've revisited much since we started out, but maybe it's overdue a discussion now we have been in the lifestyle a few years. Food for thought. Ms Clitbang | |||
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"Op you've got a lot of verifications, is this the first time this has been mentioned? Second time, to me, both fairly recently. Gosh, that's made me worried that loads of them thought I was a cold bitch but didn't mention it...
Ms Clitbang "it made me think the opposite. The majority of people you've met have been quite happy with how the meet went. Honestly I think there's a lot of pressure on people to behave a certain way and not enough acceptance that we're all different. Don't alter how you are, don't worry that you're a cold bitch, don't try to be like everyone else. Just be yourself | |||
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"I find casual touching to be very attractive but I find it difficult to give in a couples situation. Personally I like to receive a lot of eye contact. That’s what makes me feel like someone is into me. " Ok, glad it's not just me with couples! I struggle a bit with the eye contact thing too, because I have ADHD, and I either give too much eye contact and don't listen to what someone's saying, or give less and listen more. I think I'm gonna get stickers. Just stick a "BTW, I fancy you" on them!
Ms Clitbang | |||
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" it made me think the opposite. The majority of people you've met have been quite happy with how the meet went. Honestly I think there's a lot of pressure on people to behave a certain way and not enough acceptance that we're all different. Don't alter how you are, don't worry that you're a cold bitch, don't try to be like everyone else. Just be yourself "Thank you. This is both reassuring, and sage advice. Ms Clitbang x | |||
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" I think I'm gonna get stickers. Just stick a "BTW, I fancy you" on them!
Ms Clitbang "Awesome... that would be fantastic, specially if you stick it on the crotch area, LOL. | |||
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"I find casual touching to be very attractive but I find it difficult to give in a couples situation. Personally I like to receive a lot of eye contact. That’s what makes me feel like someone is into me. Ok, glad it's not just me with couples! I struggle a bit with the eye contact thing too, because I have ADHD, and I either give too much eye contact and don't listen to what someone's saying, or give less and listen more. I think I'm gonna get stickers. Just stick a "BTW, I fancy you" on them!
Ms Clitbang "I’m an adhd kid too!! I think consciously making yourself remember to do it is good plus letting people know vocally is always good! | |||
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"I wonder if this is something anyone else has experienced. Twice recently I've been asked while in a couple situation if I'm into the male partner, because the other parties involved weren't sure, even though I thought I was making it obvious. After talking it through, it became clear that whilst I was playing with the male party, i.e. kissing, blow jobs etc, I'm not particularly affectionate (stroking them while chatting etc) but I am inclined to be more affectionate with the ladies. I this this is because I don't particularly enjoy seeing Mr Sprite giving affection out to the other woman (fucking? Totally fine!), so I don't naturally do it to the other man because I don't want to piss off Mr Sprite or the other woman; I assume she might feel like I do about it. Whereas, I find it less worrying to be affectionate to another woman because, for whatever reason, I assume it's less likely to offend (I have no basis for this thought, it's just what my head thinks!). However, it then looks like I'm only into her, not him. I know a lot of this is me projecting and assuming and perhaps I just need to communicate better and up my touchy feelyness, but I'm also wondering if a meet where the other couple are straight might be a good starting point - i.e. take away the risk of me giving more attention to her, and making him feel unwanted. To be clear, both chaps in question, I absolutely did fancy, but didn't realise that having their dick in my mouth apparently wasn't a clear enough way of evidencing it! All thoughts very welcome! Ms Clitbang " The meets that myself and Mr have had although not many, I (mrs) wasn't touchy feely with the men either but I was knowingly so because I'm affectionate with MR and MR only, we both believe that should be kept for each other..fucking is just that..its sex with someone you potentially have just met so affection just doesn't come into it for us. We don't feel there is anything wrong with and did talk about it beforehand agreeing it was one of the things we just wouldn't do, if this is what makes you feel more comfortable then talk it through with your meets, and if they don't like it then that's on them..you and your relationship will always be more important. Don't beat yourself up about it..x | |||
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"I wonder if this is something anyone else has experienced. Twice recently I've been asked while in a couple situation if I'm into the male partner, because the other parties involved weren't sure, even though I thought I was making it obvious. After talking it through, it became clear that whilst I was playing with the male party, i.e. kissing, blow jobs etc, I'm not particularly affectionate (stroking them while chatting etc) but I am inclined to be more affectionate with the ladies. I this this is because I don't particularly enjoy seeing Mr Sprite giving affection out to the other woman (fucking? Totally fine!), so I don't naturally do it to the other man because I don't want to piss off Mr Sprite or the other woman; I assume she might feel like I do about it. Whereas, I find it less worrying to be affectionate to another woman because, for whatever reason, I assume it's less likely to offend (I have no basis for this thought, it's just what my head thinks!). However, it then looks like I'm only into her, not him. I know a lot of this is me projecting and assuming and perhaps I just need to communicate better and up my touchy feelyness, but I'm also wondering if a meet where the other couple are straight might be a good starting point - i.e. take away the risk of me giving more attention to her, and making him feel unwanted. To be clear, both chaps in question, I absolutely did fancy, but didn't realise that having their dick in my mouth apparently wasn't a clear enough way of evidencing it! All thoughts very welcome! Ms Clitbang " Affection and fancying others are two very separate things to is which we do keep separate for good reason. The affection we save for us only. It could be worse as we had a meet where the lady fancied Joanne but I could tell she was not in to me. Her hubby was also well in to Joanne. Anyway basically she fucked me to please my Mrs and get to play with her rather than me. Although we are good friends still we would not play with them again as I came away from that meet feeling absolutely low as hell. At least the guys you met know you are in to them,Id save the affection for you two. Talk to your partner and tell him how you feel about you both sharing affection with others. John. | |||
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"I (Mr) must admit a lack of tenderness and/or feeling of desire coming back my way I would personally find disconcerting. I don't want to feel like someones sex toy or that I'm just on the team because I'm the kids who brought along the goalie gloves (if you know what I mean). I've experienced that feeling before and its not for me. I want to be with someone who's in to me and gives back the same level of attention, passion and tenderness I give out. I like lots of eye contact, touching, kissing, holding, grabbing. Now that's by no means a criticism of how you do things. We all do things differently and have different boundaries. Totally respect that. All I'm saying is I can relate to people who are confused by the lack of personal feedback coming from the sex. If anything you've help highlight how this game is difficult for many couples. Finding the right compatibility in styles of interaction is hard. Personally we're both very touchy kissing types. In fact we've had lots of really hot, passionate and tender interactions with others yet very rarely fuck. Naturally we have also on occasion come across people who we are too much for, who like their sex less personal and more technical so to speak. Which of course is fine. So no real answers on this front it's just the nature of the game. Obviously some will say well you should communicate and talk through everything before you go with a couple or let that stop things in their tracks. It's sound advice and I know some strictly stick to that. Likewise we have on occasions had little conversations prior with people we hope to get with about the ins and outs. However sometimes (at least for us) somethings are more spontaneous and fluid and you read each other and communicate as you go along. In these situations sometimes you hit a really good thing. Great team work, great chemistry, it just works. The downside is occasionally it doesn't. So I get that idea of talk through everything beforehand but if we did we would have missed out on some of the hottest spontaneous natural encounters of our time on the scene. So for us again it's the nature of the beast. " So if someone didn’t show you much affection in such ways as stroking your arm while chatting but proceeded to kiss you, suck your dick and have sex with you, would you leave the meet thinking she was into you or not? | |||
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"I (Mr) must admit a lack of tenderness and/or feeling of desire coming back my way I would personally find disconcerting. I don't want to feel like someones sex toy or that I'm just on the team because I'm the kids who brought along the goalie gloves (if you know what I mean). I've experienced that feeling before and its not for me. I want to be with someone who's in to me and gives back the same level of attention, passion and tenderness I give out. I like lots of eye contact, touching, kissing, holding, grabbing. Now that's by no means a criticism of how you do things. We all do things differently and have different boundaries. Totally respect that. All I'm saying is I can relate to people who are confused by the lack of personal feedback coming from the sex. If anything you've help highlight how this game is difficult for many couples. Finding the right compatibility in styles of interaction is hard. Personally we're both very touchy kissing types. In fact we've had lots of really hot, passionate and tender interactions with others yet very rarely fuck. Naturally we have also on occasion come across people who we are too much for, who like their sex less personal and more technical so to speak. Which of course is fine. So no real answers on this front it's just the nature of the game. Obviously some will say well you should communicate and talk through everything before you go with a couple or let that stop things in their tracks. It's sound advice and I know some strictly stick to that. Likewise we have on occasions had little conversations prior with people we hope to get with about the ins and outs. However sometimes (at least for us) somethings are more spontaneous and fluid and you read each other and communicate as you go along. In these situations sometimes you hit a really good thing. Great team work, great chemistry, it just works. The downside is occasionally it doesn't. So I get that idea of talk through everything beforehand but if we did we would have missed out on some of the hottest spontaneous natural encounters of our time on the scene. So for us again it's the nature of the beast. So if someone didn’t show you much affection in such ways as stroking your arm while chatting but proceeded to kiss you, suck your dick and have sex with you, would you leave the meet thinking she was into you or not?" I think it's far more nuanced than just the physical act/s for me. It's simply not just about storking arms ect while chatting as such per se. It's more to do with the presence of eye contact, chemistry, vibe. Of which actual physical acts are only a part of the overall picture. Now you give the example that OP had put in brackets about stroking arms while chatting. However in the wider context of that paragraph let's put back into focus that OP is mainly talking about a lack of affection while carrying out the other physical acts you talk of such as kissing, sucking dick ect. For me the vibe (or lack of) is something I'm keenly a tune to. If it's not there and feels just more like going through the motions that doesn't work for me so much. Not saying OP takes one for the team (although some do) or doesn't enjoy it or isn't into those guys, that is her/their way and that's fine. Everone has different styles and boundaries. For example we've come across couples who fuck but dont kiss. Not kissing doesn't work for either of us. Just saying I and I guess some others (hence this post) would at least question in our own minds are they actually into me because I'm just not getting that vibe back despite the physical acts. Be it just to do with play style, boundaries or they're not into me/taking one for the team/going through the motions (or at least it feels like that) it doesn't work for me personally. I have experienced that feeling of disconnect in the past so I recognised what some others have questioned and it resonates with me. A big part of my enjoyment/dopamine feed is from that personal connection with someone and the hotness for me that comes with it. It's why I struggle to find enjoy from gloy holes or female gloy holes. It lacks that personal connection and eye contact for me (which I get is probably part of the excitement for many). It just feels for me a bit dehumanised and I find myself not fully engaged and my mind prone to wondering. As a man it's quite telling physically if your not full mentally engaged in the act of sex. It's not something I can fake so I seek the experiences that are hot and engaging for me and not the ones that aren't. Granted it doesn't help that my neurodivergent brain makes it hard for me to read people, to question myself and to be (dare I say it) prone to my mind wondering off from the task in hand. So it really works me I find someone totally captivating and engaging. And that eye contact, affection and chemistry is a huge part of that for me. | |||
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" So if someone didn’t show you much affection in such ways as stroking your arm while chatting but proceeded to kiss you, suck your dick and have sex with you, would you leave the meet thinking she was into you or not? " ___ In addition to Misfits response above to your fair question, I (Mr.) have no idea how much experience you have swinging as a couple that plays with another couple, but a lady kissing me, sucking me willingly or opening her legs means consent, not necessarily attraction. As a couple we have experienced one or two ladies of the other couple that to me it felt like they were going through the motions to finish me as quick as possible so she could get her paws on Mrs Arpeggio, and she also noticed it, it was not just my impression. On another occasion, it was the other way round, we found out too late that the male was not into Mrs Arpeggio, and while he was doing oral to her and having half-hearted sex, he just stopped at one point and left her aside, excited like a puppy, when he saw I was getting his partner very wet and close for the squirting finale from her partner, clearly what really he was into, getting aroused by watching her partner squirting and orgasming. Again, that was loud and clear to both of us and Mrs Arpeggio was the one leaving the meeting totally unsatisfied (we sorted that out as soon as we were back home. LOL) Two examples, one of male, one of female, where engaging in consensual sexual activity does not necessarily mean attraction. In the case of two singles having a one-to-one, consensual sex might be a very good indicator of attraction, but in couples... not necessarily or always. | |||
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"Thank you for all the further comments, it's giving me lots of food for thought. I'd certainly not like to think I gave anyone the impression that I was going through the motions or taking one for the team, but I've also taken on board the advice to not behave in a way that doesn't sit right with me or my relationship. It is a minefield. I've also sat here and analysed the two situations I'd referenced, and realised that the gents weren't being particularly demonstrative either, which left me little to reciprocate. Maybe I should have simply asked them if they were into me, because perhaps they weren't! I'm also perimenopausal right now which is hugely knocking my confidence in any play situation, which is likely affecting my level of flirting and the ability to build chemistry. Perhaps I am indeed the problem. I think a break is needed, and on return, the understanding to myself that even if I was doing everything "right", it still might not be right for that situation/person/couple. Thank you all for taking time to share thoughts and advice. Ms Clitbang " I think you've hit the nail on the head with your penultimate paragraph. Enjoy a break and return without the weight of others expectations | |||
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"I’m sure you’ve had a discussion with your partner about it but if he doesn’t mind seeing you suck another man’s dick, kiss another man, have sex with another man then I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine with you stroking the arm of another man. " Totally disagree. Massive difference between agreed sexual acts….fucking/blowjob etc and showing affection for another guy. For me affection is between a couple and shouldn’t be any part of a meet except between partners. Mr. | |||
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"I’m sure you’ve had a discussion with your partner about it but if he doesn’t mind seeing you suck another man’s dick, kiss another man, have sex with another man then I’m pretty sure he’ll be fine with you stroking the arm of another man. Totally disagree. Massive difference between agreed sexual acts….fucking/blowjob etc and showing affection for another guy. For me affection is between a couple and shouldn’t be any part of a meet except between partners. Mr. " This is a perfectly fair position. Like I've talked about different couples want different things and set boundaries accordingly. As long as people are happy as a couple and as individuals with the way they chose to play then all is good. It's inevitable that you will encounter others that do things differently or want something different from an encounter. It just one of the factors which makes it hard for couples to find compatible others. The important thing as a couple is knowing what direction you want to go in and how you want to do things. If a couple is confident in the way they play then the way other people play shouldn't be a problem. Just something you put down to a compatibility miss. Definitely not something to over think or wrap you self up over. However some couples do change their boundaries over time and some don't. Couples need to be true to them selves and swing the way you want to swing. So it's also OK to change the goal post mutually as you continue this journey. | |||
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"Thank you for all the further comments, it's giving me lots of food for thought. I'd certainly not like to think I gave anyone the impression that I was going through the motions or taking one for the team, but I've also taken on board the advice to not behave in a way that doesn't sit right with me or my relationship. It is a minefield. I've also sat here and analysed the two situations I'd referenced, and realised that the gents weren't being particularly demonstrative either, which left me little to reciprocate. Maybe I should have simply asked them if they were into me, because perhaps they weren't! I'm also perimenopausal right now which is hugely knocking my confidence in any play situation, which is likely affecting my level of flirting and the ability to build chemistry. Perhaps I am indeed the problem. I think a break is needed, and on return, the understanding to myself that even if I was doing everything "right", it still might not be right for that situation/person/couple. Thank you all for taking time to share thoughts and advice. Ms Clitbang " Please don't over think this. You're not doing anything wrong. It's very hard to find perfect compatibility as couples. So many of us want slightly different things. It's what makes us such an interesting bunch. Just have a chat, nail how you want to do things as a couple and enjoy. Do your thing and don't get thrown off by those who do/want something different. Also for many of us what we want and our boundaries do change over time on the scene. So it's also perfectly OK to move the boundaries as you become more comfortable or if you want to widen the experience. There's no wrong or right way to swing. Just do you and enjoy. | |||
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