FabSwingers.com forum: Advice for the single guy at a club

By *emo Dangersponge OP Man
over a year ago

Blackpool

So. I will Caveat everything i'm about to write by saying i am crushingly shy in social situations and i know that leaves me at a disadvantage getting to know people.

But lets assume for a moment i have enough confidence to actually speak. I'm newly divorced after 20 years of relationship and exploring my new found freedom.

I have been to a local club a few times and it seems that single males are not exactly frowned upon but they are seen by many as a nuisance. I completely understand some of that and i experienced an example of why "some" single men are rightly treated like that last night. Terrible etiquette, terrible attitude and over familiarity that was not only uninvited but actievely refused. I get all of that and i am 100% behind removing that kind of behaviour from the scene. As it hurts the experience for everyone.

As couples or groups, What can i do as the single guy to change the dynamic? What have you seen single guys do that has been good? What steps can i take to prevent being labelled or ignored on the basis of other single mens poor behaviour?

Just generally looking for advice and help to really take part and enjoy the scene.

Thanks in advance for any insights you can offer here ladies and gents.

Neil x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *.D.I.D.A.SMan
over a year ago

London/Essex... ish... Romford to be exact

Bookmarked for some good responses later, hopefully

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s going to be difficult for you if you’re as shy as you say.

One danger is that you may just come across as one of the guys that follow about but never speak.

Bear in mind that couples who attend clubs on the nights that single guys are welcome have usually gone specifically because they want to meet single guys!

Have some conversational openers prepared and in your mind.

Don’t wait until the husband leaves before approaching the lady as I know Dora hates this.

Compliments to the lady often work wonders.

As confident as a lady may appear she may well be as nervous and insecure as you feel.

Clubs can be intimidating and aren’t for everyone so don’t beat yourself up about it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hatMinxOverThereWoman
over a year ago

42 Wallaby Way

All the guys that I feel have ‘done well’ so to speak have made sure they talk to people but aren’t pushy. They’re fun, friendly and inviting and don’t spend too long around but do let me know they’re interested and leave it up to me to decide.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *adCherriesCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire/Northwest

Be polite, don't stare, if chatting to a couple engaging with the guy is key to any fun. Stick around the bar if you can because everyone has to visit the bar so its the best place to chat. Have zero expectations of playing and then if you get fun its a surprise (a very nice one). Engage with all the staff and ask them to leave you verifications.

Don't become a member of the wanking dead society or the stare until you blink society.

And most importantly... enjoy it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andy BarSteward73Man
over a year ago

Sandwell

As I'm currently still part of the 'single male' squad (but looking to partner up) I can only agree with the advice above...

I mainly only go when there is an organised social, as I'm also new to the wider scene.

Don't go thinking about 'getting lucky' that will come in time. It's about connecting and getting to know people, just engage in some polite conversation.

I'm similar in that initial shyness plays a factor, just push yourself like I did.

I've witnessed the 'wanking dead' and it's not a group I would be ever want to be associated with...

So for the time being it's socials and messaging potential FWB/club buddies.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ust a little bit moreWoman
over a year ago

kendal

I used to be a member of the painfully shy club too!

When I go 2 a club, the best way for a guy to get my attention is to smile upon eye contact and to introduce themselves properly and ask if I want to chat further.

Then take an interest in what I actually say.

If I'm with a FB the best way to approach as a couple is exactly the same, but make sure your attention is equal to both members of the couple.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By * F 2018Couple
over a year ago

shropshire

"So. I will Caveat everything i'm about to write by saying i am crushingly shy in social situations and i know that leaves me at a disadvantage getting to know people.

But lets assume for a moment i have enough confidence to actually speak. I'm newly divorced after 20 years of relationship and exploring my new found freedom.

Just generally looking for advice and help to really take part and enjoy the scene.

Thanks in advance for any insights you can offer here ladies and gents.

Neil x "
a single guy in a club is more appealing if they engage in a conversation smile eye contact

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ontWannaMissASwingCouple
over a year ago

Bristol

I'd second the advice about not approaching the lady when the man has gone to the bar/toilet etc. It happened to me the first time we went to a club every time I was on my own. I was super nervous myself and just made me even more uncomfortable. Can't really offer any useful advice though. We struggle ourselves to approach people in clubs and need to work on our confidence.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ethnmelvCouple
over a year ago

Cardiff

"All the guys that I feel have ‘done well’ so to speak have made sure they talk to people but aren’t pushy. They’re fun, friendly and inviting and don’t spend too long around but do let me know they’re interested and leave it up to me to decide. "

Absolutely this, and smile!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *tephTV67TV/TS
over a year ago

Cheshire

Go with the expectation to make new friends and network for the first few visits. Wherever possible go as often as you can, so you become one of the ‘faces’ so other regulars get to know you.

I don’t mind someone approaching me and admitting they’re new, a bit nervous and could they have a bit of a chat.

Just like myself not everyone who attends is wanting to have sex, it can just be a place to dress as you wish, socialise and meet with friends or make new ones.

Also I have been to both clubs local to yourself, look for newbie or party nights they’re often busier and easier to meet new people.

Good luck

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss DevilWoman
over a year ago

Bedford

I like being treated like a human being when I'm in the club rather than just a sexual object or, even worse, "any hole is a goal". Therefore, I like people to talk to me, engage in a short conversation, and not starting with "are you playing?", like me and my FWB had in one of the clubs when we just sat down in the bar area to have some food. And yes, I can thoroughly appreciate talking to strangest can be very hard, but try complimenting them on what they're wearing or maybe ask if they're coming here often. For my partner, a pair of spikey gloves (that I make) works very well as it's something different, something more than just another cock.

Fancy dress is another good "prop" as you'd probably have people coming to you and complimenting you on your outfit.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

When I went as a single man, I'd split the night into two parts (this was natural, as this club is friendly and social). The first part was purely social, with no thought of sex. Talk with anyone with no agenda beyond talking with new and interesting people.

In the second part, you can approach people you had a spark with earlier. If people are already playing, it can be OK to ask if you can join them (just pick your moment, and always don't be a dick).

I went regularly and got to know people over time. Having friendly familiar faces helped a lot.

And some people will say no. That's fine. It's just not them, not then

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area

My top tip for single males that are shy is to have an introductory phrase and start with that. Chat to anyone and everyone, not just those you would like to hook up with. Chatting to several people shows you are there to get to meet people in general.

A good opening comment is something like " hi I'm (your name) , I'm only been here a couple of times and I'm a bit nervous, would you mind if I chat with you for a few minutes".

You've set out your expectations and most people will be happy to talk. Once you've said that to a few people it will get easier.

As someone commented earlier, if you can go to the same club a few times, people get to recognise you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

I only play with single guys in clubs so very much like the cocky confident types who will approach and speak to everyone.

However those a little more nervous or struggles socially, it’s great to attend events with kik groups so you can get talking before. They often involve pre drinks so you can meet in a vanilla pub then go to the club together as a group.

The more you go, the more you get used to it and hosts/ stuff get to know you too x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

First of all your very post it's self is promising in terms of your out look and attitude.

Secondly your in a good location for clubs which help.

The social thing I totally get personally. I (Mr) started on the scene post divorce and I am good socially with people I'm comfortable with but strangers is a huge difficulty. A mix of anxiety and struggles with social cues. On that front all I can say is practice makes perfect. The more you dare to engage socially the better you get. Even if you don't get it right all the time you learn and it gets easier. I started going to clubs as a single and putting the work in at clubs has really helped my social confidence in general.

As above I remember as a single guy that feeling when try to be social with couples and groups but your just chined off. They are often a closed group. It's disheartening but it's something you also experience as a couple and something you understand more as your social base builds. A lot of people already know people and they just enjoy each others company with new people. It's frustrating but understandable really. No real advise apart from continue to be a social butterfly and move on.

Also not everyone is looking for guys or the know specifically what they want. You then mix that with numerous experiences of guys that either don't read the room or deliberately ignore the vibes you can understand why often people don't have time for single guys. Because people just want to find their own enjoyment and not waste time disengaging with guys who don't or won't get the hint. Thus unless they have a particular intrest in a guy or know a guy already many are reluctant to engage with single guys for fear of engaging in a potentially awkward or annoying situation. From personal experience as a couple and as a single guy I've seen this from both angles. It's sucks as a single guy because people's natural suspicion is a barrier.

The best way to approach people is just to introduce yourself and be a honest down to earth human. Just be yourself and don't forget to smile. Then take it from there. Obviously it helps if you can read the vibe. I think practice helps to get better at this. If you can engage in decent friendly conversation the worse you have to fear is people thinking he's not my type but a lovely guy. On the flip by doing so you've increased your chances of them saying let's take things futher. I think a lot of guys seem to think being all Alpha, over familiar and sexually aggressive is the way forward. But this is just annoying, creepy and what makes it hard for all guys.

Also I would add a lot of the guys who do well in clubs are good guys who are well know. Going back to the point people are generally suspicion of guys. But if your a regular that is known and liked people are more likely to welcome you in because they know in advance your great guy. So this is also where good behaviour and attitude pays of maybe not immediately but over time as people get familiar with you.

And as all said about being a single guy in a club is tough and I don't think that will ever change. However personally I think clubs a great place to hang out and enjoy. Sometimes I still enjoy a club on my own if Mrs Misfit is not available.

Wishing you all the best.

Mr Misfit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *p4fun60Couple
over a year ago

Hampshire

Learn to read a room & especially body language just because a couple are in a club doesn't necessarily mean they want to play with a single guy, reguardless of what day or event it is, if a couple are tucked up out of the way in deep conversations its just rude to assume they're going to want to chat to you, if however you manage to get some eye contact & a smile then that could be perceived as a green light, so take a chance, be polite & introduce yourself, you'll know in a very short space of time if they're interested

also remember the normal guidelines of a club, if a couple are playing in an open environment, wait to be given the invite to join them, ask if you can watch/touch/join them & never assume just because they're playing with another guy or maybe a few that they're going to want you to start wanking over them, if they're in a room & the doors closed,they don't need any help, if the door is open, it's an invitation to watch but not touch until invited to join them, we absolutely hate single guys that think they can push in & start touching me up, & they'll get a swift fuck off, we like many other couples are always polite if you are, if you remember these few guidelines & the advice already given, then just smile & enjoy your time in a sexy environment;-)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *GermanInLondonMan
over a year ago

London

Great post and loads of great advice. Really helpful

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *emo Dangersponge OP Man
over a year ago

Blackpool

Thank you for all of the advice and the kind words. I am slowly getting better at speaking and being less awkward. i have been setting myself little challenges eah time i go to the club to venture out of my comfort zone at the bar. Next time i go i am getting in the hot tub as that seems like a place that social interaction happens quite often.

Must improve at asking and answering questions in a more open way. I missed an opportunity for conversation last time because i answered a question about my tattoo and what it meant with a simple statement of fact rather than talking about what it actually is and what it means to me.

I will get there!

Thanks again you lovely lot, hope to chat soon

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *alandNitaCouple
over a year ago

Scunthorpe

Our best advice for anyone at clubs is just go and talk to as many people as possible. Don't just talk to people you "fancy", or even just ladies... talk to everyone and anyone. Also, don't expect to have sex... make your aim to have nice fun conversations, and take any sexual fun as a bonus.

Cal

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ecky and justCouple
over a year ago

Godalming

A couple is two people

Introduce yourself to both as if you’re saying hello rather than expecting sex.

Excuse yourself and leave them to it after a while. Suggest they can find you later if they want to chat some more.

Don’t follow them

Don’t act hurt if they play with others.

If you play with them, don’t act smug afterwards.. Happened to us once..

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uysx2Couple (MM)
over a year ago

Birmingham

Chat to the other single guys in the club. You'll find out who the regular guys are and also the good guys who are popular. If you hang out with them opportunities will come your way if you show that you're also one of the respectful guys. Work on your confidence and chat to a few couples with no expectations of anything happening and things will happen.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *quirtyndirty!Couple
over a year ago

Nottingham

Hangout in the social areas of the club where its easier to join in conversations, ie hottub, smoking area. Try and chat to the male half of a couple and be normal!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

Clubs can be intimidating and aren’t for everyone so don’t beat yourself up about it. "

This is the best line of all

I gave up on visiting clubs as a single guy, as I never felt welcome! Your presence is tolerated, because you help fund the club as an entity.

If you can ‘couple up’ with a female playmate, you’ll find clubs far more welcoming towards you as a person. Then, once your face is known (and all clubs have cliques, no matter what they say), you’ll find it easier to visit by yourself

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread