FabSwingers.com forum: Neurodivergency and clubs?

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Both me and my partner sunflower-Alice are neurodivergent (me: epilepsy/anxiety/depression/BPD and suspected autism, she has ADHD and suspected autism). I was watching the Swingers documentary (about Libs, came out in 2020 if I remember right) and there’s a scene where the owner says something like “if you can’t socially interact, you’re not going to get a sexual encounter” and me and my partner were both like “…fuck.”

I’m 27 and can’t just go up to someone and flirt, basically everyone I’ve ever slept with has been people I’ve spoken to online. Also I’m short and not particularly good looking. My partner also has trouble going up to new people. And yet we really want to go to clubs when we live closer together, but we’re realising that we’re probably going to have no luck?

Any other awkward/autistic/neurodivergent people go to clubs? Any advice for people like us?

In fairness, when I messaged my partner about this she replied with “ That’s why I like the idea of the glory hole. No talking

“

I love this woman.

Kind/constructive replies only please!

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By *astesLikeMagicWoman
over a year ago

Newcastle

Neurodivergent people go.

Social interaction is definitely important for 90% of the encounters that take place

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How are you both if someone else initiates?

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By *hatMinxOverThereWoman
over a year ago

42 Wallaby Way

I have borderline personality disorder and have been to clubs and manage fine

someone for everyone!

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By *JohnMan
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

I'm an assortment of neurodivergence, and going to a club was the best thing I've ever done. I started when I was single, and used it as a way of forcing myself to be sociable. It was hard, but it was worth it.

It's possibly harder as a couple, because you have each other. It's easy to just stick together and not make the effort.

But. Put yourself in the more social places - my favourite is the hot tub. It's a lot easier to join in an open conversation than to start one with strangers, and it's so much easier to initiate play later if you've had that social contact.

Promise yourself before you go that you will talk to someone. Keep at it, and you will eventually become comfortable there. At least, that's how it was with me.

Or, if you're not too shy, you could just start playing with each other in an open room and see who asks to join you.

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By *reyToTheFairiesWoman
over a year ago

Carlisle usually

I've never been diagnosed with any ND, but I am aware that the way I think and react to things is not the way that normal people think and react to things.

But I have a great time at clubs. I just go with the expectation of having a nice evening with my partner and maybe seeing some fun sexy things.

Can I initiate conversation with new people? Fuck no. Can I respond appropriately when someone else approaches me? Probably not. But can I have fun with my partner and enjoy my exhibitionist streak? Absolutely. Does someone occasionally not get entirely put off by my weirdness when they speak to me and I get to play with someone new too? Yes

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By *ainbow_RoadWoman
over a year ago

Brighton

I'm certainly awkward and very probably neurospicy (undiagnosed but there are plenty of signs) and I do OK at clubs... I find that the cinema at Chams is a good place to be as its generally not a hugely conversational place and things just tend to happen. I do try and make an effort to speak to at least one new person when I go too...

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

It's important that if you use clubs that you go to the right clubs for you. And that you are content and happy with your experiences there. We all use goods and services in our own ways and this holds true for clubs. We don't have to fit the mold that others have

It's fine to keep to yourself, or just chat a little with people you already know, never making any new social contact. The only rule is about core respect.

Lots of us here are ND. You could get to know people away from clubs, knowing each other there, should you need any support, or friends who understand you.

Club owners want you to be happy and will usually do all they can to help out.

If you want to sit at the bar, gloryhole or wherever, the whole night, do it if it's what will work for you. If you're respectful to others you will always be welcome.

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By *entle_lover_xMan
over a year ago

Great Dunmow

Guess neurodivergent covers a wide spectrum so hard to say but perhaps also consider smaller private parties or group socials if any being organised in your area. Tends to be easier to interact with people - 30-40 people say in a house is a much easier proposition for many than a big club. Or just meeting a big group pub social where can make friends for the future.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Don’t forget that clubs are full of neurodivergent weirdos. At least, my local is

Go with curiosity and don’t assume you know what other people are thinking, positive or negative. There’s a reasonable chance that the person you are talking to is even more shy, nervous and awkward than you, so if you KNOW you want to play with someone, ask them.

It is absolutely fine for your partner to want to play without specific negotiation if that is what she wants - there are people who love this - but watch her back if she does, it can be a wild ride.

Find the good conversations - like Djohn says, hot tubs are good, but so is the smoking area.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Also, to be clear, I’m ND and so are most of my swinging friends. It’s only ever been an issue when some dickswinging troglodyte tried to use their autism as an excuse for not understanding consent.

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By *ohn KanakaMan
over a year ago

Not all that North of North London

OP there are multiple ND threads on here that if you want a rabbit hole to disappear down will give you a lot of reassurance that us ND types can and do do okay I'm the swinging world.

Personally I find kink events easier, the kink scene appears to have a huge ND crossover.

I've enjoyed swinging clubs though ni

Ot been to one for some years, I choose the clubs and events I went to carefully.

Also never be afraid to reach out to clubs and/or event organisers, many will put your mind at ease and those that are dismissive are probably best avoided anyway

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for all the responses! I’ll respond in turn now.

Tasteslikemagic- thank you, that’s nice to know!!

Chaotic temptation- when someone else initiates it’s fine as long as we’re both getting good vibes from them. I think we both need to work on protocol/boundary setting/me stepping up for my partner if she gets bad vibes. Also I’m guessing most people will probably only really want to play with her- which is expected when you’re part of an MF couple, but as long as I’m keeping her safe I’m happy.

Thatminxoverthere- thank you! Yeah BPD sucks. I’m never like, angry/meltdown, if I’m upset I tend to retreat to myself and I’d never use my BPD as an excuse to be weird to someone, I don’t like confrontation, so that should be fine!

DJohn- thanks a lot

these are all good tips. I do get worried that we’ll just stick to ourselves and be too anxious to talk to others as you’ve pointed out, but hot tub/joining in open conversations/playing together and letting others join in/promising to talk to at least one new person each time are all fantastic ideas, thanks so much.

Preytothefairies- that’s very reassuring, thank you!!

Rainbow road- that’s good advice, and chams is close to my house so when she comes to Birmingham we might try going soon (I’d love to go to a BBW night there). Thank you!

Sophieslut- thanks so much! And yeah, purple mamba have already sent me a really kind message on here after they saw my thread!

Gentle lover- yeah, smaller settings would probably work well tbh, it’s hard to tell though, and when I’ve messaged club owners about the kind of people that will be there I can’t tell if they’re being honest or just lying to me so that more people my age/couples will be there. So I’m quite paranoid.

Selkie- “neurodivergent weirdos” sounds like us to a T! I smoke and Alice vapes so smoking area is a good bet, thank you. And yeah, I need to make sure she’s safe with gloryhole and even just playing with others but I do find confrontation nasty and I’m quite short and I need to work on setting boundaries before I go to a club, I think. And re your second comment, that sucks. I’d never use it as an excuse, I’m very much asking people first, last night I was on a date and asked the person if they wanted a hug at the end (and I got an enthusiastic yes), I’d rather people feel comfortable and say no instead of uncomfortable and say yes, and I hope others are like that too. Thank you

John kanaka- thank you! I very rarely go into the forums on here so I haven’t seen any posts about it. And yeah talking to organisers seems like a good idea! Kink events are great but due to personal issues I won’t be at kink events (I think I’m very forward online and anxious IRL and that hasn’t gone down with people) which is one reason I really want to go to swingers events (while also working on my online etiquette).

Thanks for all the responses! This has helped a lot.

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By *ittermolassesMan
over a year ago

manchester

I wish I had valuable words of wisdom, but alas, I have none. I have severe PTSD and CPTSD! I also have dissociative identity disorder and I find it impossible to approach new people. Mainly because new people freak me out and also I worry that I will freak people out because of the way people with DID are portrayed on TV and movies. On top of this, when people do flirt or whatever, because of my hyper vigilance due to my ptsd I just think they’re trying to find a way to assault me, or just completely miss it. I was at a group session and there was a hot guy there, anyway, he kept coming and sitting next to me REALLY close, but me being me thought that he needed room so kept moving to give him space. It is hard out there, but I’m working on it and one day, I may be at least some of the way back to the way I was before…

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By *oobyHotwifeWoman
over a year ago

Thurrock

I suffer from anxiety & depression and I'm not a talkative person but I go to clubs

Yes it's harder and probably harder still for single guys but I accept if I can't push myself to chat to people I can't expect much in return so I guess it's about managing expectations

Also it'll depend on what your looking for, if you're looking to meet single guys as a couple k doubt you'll have any issue, if you're looking to meet women or couples it will likely be a struggle but the more you attend the more you'll relax and people will get to know you

Clubs and fab aren't easy for anyone, It really is all about putting the groundwork in and for some of us that will be a longer / harder process than for others

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

OK so a neurodivergent here, Mr. And although I won't talk on Mrs behalf a few thinks going on with My Girl too. We're not the Misfit's for nothing.

So from a personal perspective a lot of that resonates. Its so frustrating when you know you have lots to offer and are pretty awesome but you just can't get a foot in in the first place. It's like everyone got the social patch update and not you. But what good is talent if you don't make it to the dance?

I started on the online and club scene as a single male (and Fab is where we met). So I understand how terrifying and Ninja it is just talking to strangers. However there is no magic wand to the problem. The only way to a thing is to do it. The main answer I have is be brave, exposure and practice. Which is probably not the answer people want. However it is what it is and some of us have to run a little faster if we want to slot into the human world because the human world doesn't bend to meet our needs. All I know is despite my social difficulties with new people and environments you have to get stuck in. And if your anything like me you will occasionally get it wrong, make social faux pas and look a weirdo. You have to grow broad enough shoulders to absorb it and own it. To be fair chances are you think your doing worse than you actually are so try stay cool. Sometimes by owning it openly and confidently you can also save it. And if you do this you will start picking up the rules that everyone else seems to know off hand. Or simply practice makes perfect (well far from perfect but passable).

As for coping strategies I find it's a bit like a game of chess. You go in thinking a few moves ahead with a social plan. Normally approaches you are confident in and know well (Ref my earlier statement of practice makes perfect). Obviously the pit fall is when unpractical humans don't follow the perceived plan. That is what it is and then the nightmare of going off script. All you can do is try stay cool and roll with it (again ref practice makes perfect). Another strategy I find if I'm being overwhelmed or having a (hopefully) internal melt down is to just make an excuse and have a time out somewhere quiet (before the meltdown becomes external). Then gather myself and back into the room. Also I find depending how comfortable and familiar I am in an environment effects wether Mr autistic Misfit or Mr ADHD Misfit comes out to play. I believe the latter is preferable in the club environment. So having a club that you know well (including the staff) and are comfortable in really helps. For us that's Chameleons. And the last strategy (which maybe controversial) is have a couple of beers. I find it does lubricate me socially and reduce my anxiety.

I must add I am very lucky to have Mrs Misfit as my wingman as she understand me well and is always reading me spot on.

Now another thing to point out and what a lot of people forget is a lot of swingers are shy. Including lots of couples maybe surprisingly. It's not just you, many other won't make the first move either. That's why if you want to connect with people you simply can't sit there and expect people to come to you (especially women and couples). So you do have to find the courage to go speak with people. And honestly the more you do it the more confident and slick you get.

Now a lot of that all sound horrendous and it is. Easier and safer to stay in your comfort zone. However if you do love the scene and adventures then you need to get stuck in and endure these scary and difficult things. In time it's not so bad and you'll be proud of yourselves. Personally I believe its been well worth it and a great voyage of self discovery and development.

That's my 2p worth on the matter anyways.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im also neurodivergent, i have been to clubs, you have to find what is best for your own personal situation... myself, i can mask for an amount of time.. keep the feelings of being overwhelmed to a minimum for about 2 or 3 hours, then i have to leave and have quiet me time. .. that is also why i get my own hotel room and dont share overnight with people i meet at the club.

All of us have our own ways of managing, i couldnt begin to tell you what yours are, but be genuine to yourself. Honestly think to yourselves how can we make this go smoothly for us.. and stick to those tactics.

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

Before you attend pick an event that’s best for you.

For example townhouse does a “newbies” night so is perfect for those a little more inexperienced or not sure what to expect.

Speak to the hosts and club prior, you’ll get to know them and know a friendly face when you arrive.

Most events do KI K groups prior to the event, that way you can talk to people first and feel more comfortable

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By *hrisukbishareCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I hope you do both visit Chameleons. It is quiet enough to enable us all to watch and explore. As was said certain rooms are lovely just to be I and see who comes to you.

You look very sexy to me. Think about the Monday bi night which is when we have been when staying in Bham.

Take it slow and enjoy

Chris

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

"Both me and my partner sunflower-Alice are neurodivergent (me: epilepsy/anxiety/depression/BPD and suspected autism, she has ADHD and suspected autism). I was watching the Swingers documentary (about Libs, came out in 2020 if I remember right) and there’s a scene where the owner says something like “if you can’t socially interact, you’re not going to get a sexual encounter” and me and my partner were both like “…fuck.”

Any other awkward/autistic/neurodivergent people go to clubs? Any advice for people like us?

In fairness, when I messaged my partner about this she replied with “ That’s why I like the idea of the glory hole. No talking

“

I love this woman.

Kind/constructive replies only please!"

Chameleons (Darlaston, so on your doorstep), is a fantastic club. It’s definitely one of the most chilled, friendly environments I’ve been to, and I believe they have a sun terrace to just hang out in during the summer months.

If you just want to relax together as a couple, take in the atmosphere, the bar area is perfect for this. Maybe you’ll get chatting with others, maybe you won’t, it doesn’t matter, just go at the pace each of you feels is appropriate. There’s a landing on the stairs with a bench seat on they nicknamed the ‘Bus stop’. This is a great place to say hi to someone new, and get chatting, if you feel like it, or again, just people watch.

The gloryhole box is great, and you will get a lot of attention once people know someone’s in there. There’s definitely no need for chat while you’re in there

Same goes for the blackout room, and as someone else mentioned, the Cinema room, minimal speaking is required.

As with any of the swinger clubs, give it a go! Agree to stay for an hour if you like. You’ll get a feel for the place/people there/atmosphere within an hour, and if either of you feels uncomfortable, just leave. At least you’ll know then

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By *ootprints1629Couple
over a year ago

somewhere in moray

I'm very confused. Firstly your profile is just of you, and secondly you say in your profile that you attend clubs and kink events?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Honestly . I go to clubs alone and I feel very safe, I prefer some to others obviously but I've never had a bad experience yet, everyone has always been warm and friendly.

They have always accepted a no as a no, I've never been harassed or made to feel unsafe.

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By *uckyduck29Man
over a year ago

carlisle

I’ve got Asperger’s, social anxiety and not the best of lookers and I was very apprehensive about going to a club but I was intrigued.

My first one was infusion Blackpool and I was very nervous but a very attractive girl came over and we had amazing sex. Other times have been hit and miss but it’s not often I’m left on my own.

Clubs are amazing places really. Full of people with the same mindset attending a few actually made me more confident as a person.

I’d fully recommend going

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By *ethnmelvCouple
over a year ago

Cardiff

This is a really interesting topic. We have idea how ND we are, but pretty confident we each have some variant. What we like about Clubs is the relative anonymity, with the frisson of it being a bit ‘naughty’ and the chance of finding people we can connect with. We aren’t looking for life long friendships, more a bit of excitement and passion. We do find that we prefer less busy events as neither of us love crowds, so if you do go to Clubs think through how you react to situations. I think we all carry ‘imposter syndrome’ in the sense that we might not feel attractive enough, or worthy enough to have fun at Clubs, however, they are great at showing most of us have bumps & scrapes and aren’t perfect - who wants perfect anyway, the imperfections are what make all of us interesting. Happy fabbing & clubbing all

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By *lirtymr_mrsCouple
over a year ago

Stockton-on-Tees

I wouldn't base your view of clubs on that documentary. It's not representative of most club experiences, and I wouldn't expect it to be because the people featured had to be ok with being filmed, which the majority of club goers wouldn't be.

So the people in that documentary whilst being genuine and interesting aren't representative of clubgoers.

Try it out see how it goes. The nice thing about clubs is other people have no expectations of you. And if you find that you feel comfortable sitting in the corner talking to nobody then that's not going to be an issue, although people in swingers clubs are surprisingly easy to talk to.

Hot tub is a good place to go, built in topic of conversation and most people feel the need to say hello to occupants as they slide in.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

This is worth a read, so pop the kettle on/crack open a cold one and enjoy.

P1 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1346028

P2 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1369444

P3 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1374628

P4 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1375399

P5 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1378212

P6 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1379859

P7 - https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/support/1384337

P8 - https://fabswingers.com/forum/support/1385017

P9 - https://m.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/1386683

P10 - https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/138935

P11 - https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/1402246

P12 -https://www.fabswingers.com/forum/swingers/1409222

Thanks to HornyPT

Just bookmarking for now, I'll be back when I can stay awake for long enough

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By *ldbutable1Man
over a year ago

hewish

find something to talk about/ break the ice , i took 2 trays of homemade truffles and chocolates to kestrals a few years back , just to have an opening to a conversation, gave me confidence to talk , and yes i did have fun too.anything will work , many dress in a way just to provoke a conversation .

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

"find something to talk about/ break the ice , i took 2 trays of homemade truffles and chocolates to kestrals a few years back , just to have an opening to a conversation, gave me confidence to talk , and yes i did have fun too.anything will work , many dress in a way just to provoke a conversation . "

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By *rancois Du BoisMan
over a year ago

Down the back of the sofa.

Any other awkward/autistic/neurodivergent people go to clubs? Any advice for people like us?

In fairness, when I messaged my partner about this she replied with “ That’s why I like the idea of the glory hole. No talking

“

I love this woman.

Kind/constructive replies only please!"

Absolute horseshit buddy. Find your tribe. There’s lots of us about and people worth knowing will definitely understand

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By *3xDECouple
over a year ago

nottingham

I (mrs) am adhd and undiagnosed autistic. I started attending clubs with my friend before I went with hubs, purely to see how I would feel in the environment as my anxiety was taking a beating.

Once I had been a couple of times on a social level and found people I could socialise with and found to be a familiar it made everything much more relaxed and making contact with others less like a task and more something we could blend our way into.

Just find what makes you comfortable and go with the flow, being ND doesn’t need to be something people have to be aware of unless you feel uncomfortable around them.

I hope you both get to enjoy your club visits x

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By *lark And LoisCouple
over a year ago

Newtownabby

This thread hits close to home socialising is very difficult for us but I think the only thing to do is to keep trying

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

"Don’t forget that clubs are full of neurodivergent weirdos. At least, my local is

Yes that’s my experience too. I would just try a few clubs and see , some are much easier than others, and if you become a regular at one and get to know people it becomes much easier.

Go with an open mind and relax - lots of people feel the same as you , even normal people often struggle to interact in clubs at first

Good luck

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By *hegirlwiththepeachtattooWoman
over a year ago

As an ND person i find people in clubs to be nicer than out in the big wide world… they’re generally a friendly, non-judgemental bunch, so you can be your own weird self and nobody bats an eyelid.

I’ve discovered I struggle with the cliquey aspect of certain clubs/events, so if that bothers me i stop going to that specific place because those in the cliques tend to be the opposite of everyone else (unfriendly, judgey). The kind and welcoming people way outweigh those types, thankfully.

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By *uttymonkeyMan
over a year ago

devon

Thought id get in here quick before it ends up full and closed like the others XD

But yeah, adhd here and probably other undiagnosed issues, traits of bpd ??

has to be some reason why lifes always a struggle and I tend to only randomly connect with select people ??

Difficult to meet though! Getting over the anxiety hurdle isn't easy ??

Just be nice to have people to chat to in an every day setting who are more open minded about life and have the same energy drives for shared interests etc

Kinda need that connection before hand really ?? might be a demi or comfort thing *shrugs*

Either way.. HI! *waves like a fruit cake*

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By *alleyDaveMan
over a year ago

Sheffield

I'm so glad I stumbled upon this thread .

I was diagnosed with PTSD 25 years ago ,after being discharged from military service after two tours of Iraq ,and two tours in Afghanistan. I originally was OK after being diagnosed, and rebuilt my life , trained and qualified as a joiner ,and setup my own business and met my wife.

Life was good, but the nightmares were always there ,the flashbacks , the jumping up at 3am reliving the operations on the front line. But ,with the help of councilling , the support of my ex wife ,and medication ,I managed to live a "semi " normal life.

But the PTSD would never leave me and eventually led to the breakdown of my marriage. I still manage to function ,I still have my business as a self employed joiner, but the PTSD has destroyed my social side .I don't really have any friends because I don't socialise outside of work. My only social connections are my PTSD group of fellow ex squaddies ,who have been through the same ,and can empathise. Its a lonely existence, and one I wouldn't want anyone to go though ,but ,sadly ,once you gave seen some things ,you can never unsee then .

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By *hegirlwiththepeachtattooWoman
over a year ago

"I'm so glad I stumbled upon this thread .

I just wanted to send you a hug. I can’t imagine how you feel, but it sounds awful. Our brains can be absolute fuckers to us sometimes, can’t they. I hope today is a good day, and that you know where to reach out, should you need to.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think for me this is why I find kink events much more comfortable, the ratio of neurodiverse people is much higher and we all end up knowing each other more so if I freak out and need noise cancelling headphones or go non verbal for a bit, most people get it and are incredibly understanding. I've definitely find swinger events more difficult as I do feel there's more expectation for small talk and to appear "normal".

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

"I think for me this is why I find kink events much more comfortable, the ratio of neurodiverse people is much higher and we all end up knowing each other more so if I freak out and need noise cancelling headphones or go non verbal for a bit, most people get it and are incredibly understanding. I've definitely find swinger events more difficult as I do feel there's more expectation for small talk and to appear "normal". "

We need munches for swingers so we can just talk shit over cake and a pint and get to know each other without wondering if people want to fuck or not.

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By *etro1940sCouple
over a year ago

Kingston upon Thames

"This is a really interesting topic. We have idea how ND we are, but pretty confident we each have some variant. What we like about Clubs is the relative anonymity, with the frisson of it being a bit ‘naughty’ and the chance of finding people we can connect with. We aren’t looking for life long friendships, more a bit of excitement and passion. We do find that we prefer less busy events as neither of us love crowds, so if you do go to Clubs think through how you react to situations. I think we all carry ‘imposter syndrome’ in the sense that we might not feel attractive enough, or worthy enough to have fun at Clubs, however, they are great at showing most of us have bumps & scrapes and aren’t perfect - who wants perfect anyway, the imperfections are what make all of us interesting. Happy fabbing & clubbing all

"
a precise take on this important topic

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By *egoMan
over a year ago

Preston

I’ve found the opposite, I don’t socialise, go out etc. but In a club it’s so much easier for me to relax and understand peoples intentions.

I need a handler of course, a vibrant chatty person that understands me. I’d not attend by myself, I’d be just the weirdo in the corner.

Not like the creepy single guys with no social skills or respect for personal space that ruin it. If I ever take a friend, it’s always on a couples night or when a single male is prohibitively expensive.

Autistic, possibly adhd. Perfect In Disasters, useless in menial tasks. .

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By *ellykitWoman
over a year ago

gloucester

As you get older and have more experience you will learn via the pattern of human behaviour what is expected socially, you will recognise a pattern that winds itself through most ‘polite’ interaction.

This is true in the general world.

People who play do not have a separate set of social queues, once you learn the generic responses to any given set of circumstances and the pattern they follow you will be able to adapt them to any situation.

This is true in swinging as it is in the wilder world.

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