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Subdrop

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

One for the sub fem kinksters:

After an amazing weekend of hard play, how do you best get over the crash that follows?

Back to reality today, and I know it's subdrop because I always get it bad, but it's a brutal one this time. Long distance and neediness sucks

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By *lowercandyWoman
over a year ago

Lancashire

Oh darling.

Sending you a big hug xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Completly get that I found it hard in a long distance relationship thinking it be worth it in the end and married and kids now and he barley notices me

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By *rangarCouple
over a year ago

Bromsgrove

As a Dom of many years I really hope your Dom/top is looking after you preferably in person. Giving you both mental and physical reassurance. To my mind aftercare is as important as the scene.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Aftercare is vital to bring you back out of that subspace,

If he is leaving u to crash that's quite a big red flag as he isn't taking your mental wellbeing into consideration,

Yes being a sub to a dom is fun but vitally it is the role of that dom to be a caregiver both physically and mentally,

Communicate this to your dom about how your feeling post session and if he brushes it off then I'd be getting out of that dynamic very quickly

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By *herryblossom_BJWoman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire

Really difficult if I'm honest. Have more than one play mate?

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By *herryblossom_BJWoman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Completly get that I found it hard in a long distance relationship thinking it be worth it in the end and married and kids now and he barley notices me"

Lol this is why I'm not married. I like the excitement of new relationships so always chasing after what i can't really have. Maybe your hubby enjoyed the challenge?

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By *herryblossom_BJWoman
over a year ago

Oxfordshire/Hampshire


"Aftercare is vital to bring you back out of that subspace,

If he is leaving u to crash that's quite a big red flag as he isn't taking your mental wellbeing into consideration,

Yes being a sub to a dom is fun but vitally it is the role of that dom to be a caregiver both physically and mentally,

Communicate this to your dom about how your feeling post session and if he brushes it off then I'd be getting out of that dynamic very quickly"

Yeah maybe the guy just doesn't care enough? Or doesn't realise what he's doing is upsetting. Some men compartmentalised and busy in their own bubble. My ex would do this constantly to me when i was away from him... In the end, it broke my heart and i moved on

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us. "

Hope you are ok OP was a tough choice but sounds like you also know its for the best despite how hard the decision is , please reach out to any of us if you need too !

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
over a year ago

near Putney Heath


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us. "

Hugs.

I have more than one playmate and swinging isn't my only activity outside of work.

I'm not technically a sub but I do understand that low feeling after an intense and exciting feeling.

I don't actually on rely on anyone but myself and professionals for my "aftercare"/selfcare. I've had 18 months intense therapy on the NHS and I just joined BetterHelp online to continue the process.

I actually joined a group session last night on loneliness and it helped me return to baseline and being grounded and centred.

It's not neediness. All humans have needs and because of different brain wiring some people's needs are just more or different to others.

People often assume as adults we need less but I think sometimes we need more as adults because our lives have become more stressful and complicated and more responsibily-ladened as we get older.

I can only suggest lots and lots of self care. I have a weighted blanket and it does feel like a bloody man bear hug in bed. Lol!

I actually belong to three non-sexual weekly social groups so I don't rely on my sexual partners heavily for aftercare.

Hugs again

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
over a year ago

near Putney Heath


"Aftercare is vital to bring you back out of that subspace,

If he is leaving u to crash that's quite a big red flag as he isn't taking your mental wellbeing into consideration,

Yes being a sub to a dom is fun but vitally it is the role of that dom to be a caregiver both physically and mentally,

Communicate this to your dom about how your feeling post session and if he brushes it off then I'd be getting out of that dynamic very quickly"

Great Advice Mate. Glad to see you looking back on form!!! Hope all is going well.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

Hugs.

I have more than one playmate and swinging isn't my only activity outside of work.

I'm not technically a sub but I do understand that low feeling after an intense and exciting feeling.

I don't actually on rely on anyone but myself and professionals for my "aftercare"/selfcare. I've had 18 months intense therapy on the NHS and I just joined BetterHelp online to continue the process.

I actually joined a group session last night on loneliness and it helped me return to baseline and being grounded and centred.

It's not neediness. All humans have needs and because of different brain wiring some people's needs are just more or different to others.

People often assume as adults we need less but I think sometimes we need more as adults because our lives have become more stressful and complicated and more responsibily-ladened as we get older.

I can only suggest lots and lots of self care. I have a weighted blanket and it does feel like a bloody man bear hug in bed. Lol!

I actually belong to three non-sexual weekly social groups so I don't rely on my sexual partners heavily for aftercare.

Hugs again"

Thank you for all the advice beautiful lady, I appreciate it!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

Hope you are ok OP was a tough choice but sounds like you also know its for the best despite how hard the decision is , please reach out to any of us if you need too !

"

Thank you lovely

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Hugs.

Self care - activate all five senses. Nice smells, tasty food, etc. think of it as grounding yourself back in the real world?

I can’t do casual kink because I get attached (and drop) so I get where you’re coming from.

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By *izzy.Woman
over a year ago

Stoke area


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us. "

Look after yourself. So upsetting to make a difficult decision like that, but it doesn't sound like your Dom was taking care of you as he should.

I make a conscious effort not to have only one FWB so there's less chance of me developing feelings or relying on one person. With my main playmate he's good at messaging me in the hours after an intense session and spending time together before he has to leave. This has come about by us both being honest about what we would like or need.

Have a breather and for future fun, be aware of what works for you. In the meantime be proud of yourself, for putting you first. Xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hugs.

Self care - activate all five senses. Nice smells, tasty food, etc. think of it as grounding yourself back in the real world?

I can’t do casual kink because I get attached (and drop) so I get where you’re coming from. "

Thank you, excellent advice

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

Look after yourself. So upsetting to make a difficult decision like that, but it doesn't sound like your Dom was taking care of you as he should.

I make a conscious effort not to have only one FWB so there's less chance of me developing feelings or relying on one person. With my main playmate he's good at messaging me in the hours after an intense session and spending time together before he has to leave. This has come about by us both being honest about what we would like or need.

Have a breather and for future fun, be aware of what works for you. In the meantime be proud of yourself, for putting you first. Xx"

Thank you, I really appreciate that

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By *rangesmartieWoman
over a year ago

Devon


"One for the sub fem kinksters:

After an amazing weekend of hard play, how do you best get over the crash that follows?

Back to reality today, and I know it's subdrop because I always get it bad, but it's a brutal one this time. Long distance and neediness sucks "

Big hugs. It'll vary from person to person what they need.

Top of my list is always contact with the partner. Whether phone call or text or whatever works for you. I need that connection.

For long distance. Could you be given a shirt that smells of your partner to cuddle up to? Or an aftershave that you can smell?

I always liken drop to a hangover, and therefore crave sugary drinks and chocolate, and cakes. I usually want to stay wrapped up in the duvet, so choose my clothes that feel extra soft if I have to go out. Hot baths are also good for me. Mostly I try to be kind to myself, wallow in the misery for a day or so, acknowledge how I'm feeling.

I have no concentration in this period so I won't try and focus on anything important if I can help it.

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By *rangesmartieWoman
over a year ago

Devon


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us. "

I should've read the whole thread first. I'm sorry that this was your only option.

Drop is very difficult to deal with, even more so at distance, and the chemicals rebalancing play havoc with emotions.

The poster above who said a Dom who doesn't think/ask/do aftercare is a massive red flag is absolutely correct. It's one of my first questions in a negotiation, before we get into detail about scenes and fantasies.

I hope you're ok, but if you need to talk, please feel free to message. You're not alone.

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By *razytimesinloveCouple
over a year ago

SW Scotland

If we plan a very heavy session we make sure we both have the day off afterwards together to get things back to normal

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

I should've read the whole thread first. I'm sorry that this was your only option.

Drop is very difficult to deal with, even more so at distance, and the chemicals rebalancing play havoc with emotions.

The poster above who said a Dom who doesn't think/ask/do aftercare is a massive red flag is absolutely correct. It's one of my first questions in a negotiation, before we get into detail about scenes and fantasies.

I hope you're ok, but if you need to talk, please feel free to message. You're not alone. "

In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing?

I'm asking from curiosity.

Op, I hope you're feeling better today. Drops are really difficult, readjusting takes time and isn't easy. It can hurt when another doesn't give you that headspace/time but I hope you've got good friends around you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How interesting. .. to my mind this is simply feelings developing.. don't over think it or over complicate it .. it's simply 2 humans that connect sexually and miss each other in absence. Always 1 will miss more than the other as nature is infinitely variable. Generally men don't get attached anything like as easily as women simply because of the way we are wired. Any 'aftercare' is just a decent guy being nice tbh but ultimately the writing is on the wall no matter how you dress it up with fancy lifestyle annotations, you have attachment and on here that's mostly shied cc seat from because people want sex without the heart being hurt. Not really possible for the majority of people. Period. Just my take on it from a very novice kinkster.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

'shied away from ..'

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing? "

It’s a responsibility of both to ensure that any aftercare needs are discussed, understood and agreed before hand.

Not everyone wants cuddles and chocolate, so aftercare is not always needed. But if you take someone to the edge, brutalise their body and mind, and then just walk away washing your hands of them - that is a no no.

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing?

It’s a responsibility of both to ensure that any aftercare needs are discussed, understood and agreed before hand.

Not everyone wants cuddles and chocolate, so aftercare is not always needed. But if you take someone to the edge, brutalise their body and mind, and then just walk away washing your hands of them - that is a no no."

Ah I remember why I enjoyed asking you probably really daft questions now.

Actually; I'll start another thread on this or just message you if that's okay? Might go with starting a thread, I don't want to be insensitive to the OP.

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing?

It’s a responsibility of both to ensure that any aftercare needs are discussed, understood and agreed before hand.

Not everyone wants cuddles and chocolate, so aftercare is not always needed. But if you take someone to the edge, brutalise their body and mind, and then just walk away washing your hands of them - that is a no no.

Ah I remember why I enjoyed asking you probably really daft questions now.

Actually; I'll start another thread on this or just message you if that's okay? Might go with starting a thread, I don't want to be insensitive to the OP."

My DM’s are always open to discuss kink and BDSM things…

That and gapping fannys

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By *eliWoman
over a year ago

.


"In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing?

It’s a responsibility of both to ensure that any aftercare needs are discussed, understood and agreed before hand.

Not everyone wants cuddles and chocolate, so aftercare is not always needed. But if you take someone to the edge, brutalise their body and mind, and then just walk away washing your hands of them - that is a no no.

Ah I remember why I enjoyed asking you probably really daft questions now.

Actually; I'll start another thread on this or just message you if that's okay? Might go with starting a thread, I don't want to be insensitive to the OP.

My DM’s are always open to discuss kink and BDSM things…

That and gapping fannys "

Perfect; thank you. x

(Going to start limbering up with the Bad Dragon so I bring major gapping fanny energy)

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By *etcplCouple
over a year ago

Gapping Fanny


"Perfect; thank you. x

(Going to start limbering up with the Bad Dragon so I bring major gapping fanny energy)"

Oooh. I picked up a bad dragon tentacle dildo for someone a few years back. They do some great toys!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Think it was answered proper earlier but think as said aftercare In my opinion is a huge thing,

For my current dynamic I am pushing my sub physically in what she can enjoy (I'm a bit of a pleasure dom it seems) and she came to me with very little self confidence so it has been a case of pushing her mentally aswell to make her feel wanted and deserving of such attention.

Once we have done our play for the day it's a case of helping her have a shower giving cuddles kisses and bringing her back out of that state where she is just in a purely submissive "fuck toy" state back to someone that can go back to look after her kids and deal with life,

But then I also have it so that she can reach out to me at me at anytime to talk about anything

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By *elisandre300Woman
over a year ago

dontbefuckingnosey


"Think it was answered proper earlier but think as said aftercare In my opinion is a huge thing,

For my current dynamic I am pushing my sub physically in what she can enjoy (I'm a bit of a pleasure dom it seems) and she came to me with very little self confidence so it has been a case of pushing her mentally aswell to make her feel wanted and deserving of such attention.

Once we have done our play for the day it's a case of helping her have a shower giving cuddles kisses and bringing her back out of that state where she is just in a purely submissive "fuck toy" state back to someone that can go back to look after her kids and deal with life,

But then I also have it so that she can reach out to me at me at anytime to talk about anything"

I love this!

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By *rangesmartieWoman
over a year ago

Devon


"Update: just ended it

Absolutely gutted but I'm developing strong feelings and it's not fair on either of us.

I should've read the whole thread first. I'm sorry that this was your only option.

Drop is very difficult to deal with, even more so at distance, and the chemicals rebalancing play havoc with emotions.

The poster above who said a Dom who doesn't think/ask/do aftercare is a massive red flag is absolutely correct. It's one of my first questions in a negotiation, before we get into detail about scenes and fantasies.

I hope you're ok, but if you need to talk, please feel free to message. You're not alone.

In a not "you're wrong" way... why is it a massive red flag if a Dom doesn't do aftercare? Not every person does, it might be clear they don't. If it's discussed, then why is that a bad thing?

I'm asking from curiosity.

Op, I hope you're feeling better today. Drops are really difficult, readjusting takes time and isn't easy. It can hurt when another doesn't give you that headspace/time but I hope you've got good friends around you. "

I did say think/ask/do aftercare. Not everyone needs it, but imo everyone should discuss whether it's required. If both parties agreed they don't need it, or need it from each other, good on them. It probably also should be discussed after scening. You may think before you don't need it. You may not have needed it in the past. But you never know what each situation is going to bring up for you. (All general you, not specific you).

For me specifically if I say I require x, y,z as aftercare and a Dom says they don't do after are. We're not going any further, because it is a non-negotiable for me.

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