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I’m non binary and just want to write stuff down

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By *olly_Amber OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Live Sussex, Work London

Hi

So I’m non binary, now lots of you will probably say woke nonsense, but hear me out.

I don’t know what this is going to be and mostly I think it will be me just waffling, sorry.

But I am lacking in confidence is how I look or who looks back in the mirror.

Sometimes I’m full on doing my best woman (Holly) web makeup dresses, sometimes wig makeup jeans and a T-shirt

Then other days I’m full ‘boy’ short hair no makeup casual or smart.

I like I can switch between the two.

Other days I’m a complete mash of all of it and I think this might be the lacking confidence bit

I as a ‘boy’ wear heels dresses and makeup because I want to and they are only clothes, when I do this I have to look confident but I’m not and sometimes need a boost I guess.

Anyway I don’t know why I’ve posted this. I think I just never like who’s in the mirror these days whatever or however I dress. I know it’s a mind set but looking for suggestions to click out of it.

Thank for reading my pointless waffle about me. It’s helped me to write it down if nothing more

Hol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I can't pretend to know what to say to you to make you feel any better, but I noticed at the end you say it has helped just by writing it down, so why not start there, maybe get yourself a journal or if you want others to read it start writing a blog or even just post things on here like you have done today, if it makes you feel better then that must be a positive so concentrate on things that make you feel better about yourself. Nick x

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By *olly_Amber OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Live Sussex, Work London

Thank you. You’re right I might start writing things down more

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By *uzie69xTV/TS
over a year ago

Maidstone


"Thank for reading my pointless waffle about me. It’s helped me to write it down if nothing more

Hol xx

"

I read every thoughtful word you wrote and I think you're right to do so.

As post transition female, I've always been binary which kinda makes things a bit easier.

I spend time campaigning with non-binary and gender fluid folks and I think it's super cool you're redefining how society should think about gender.

Maybe where you're living is not the most suitable environment for you? I'm thinking in Brighton or Manchester, you might feel more at home?

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By *iss Boot LoverTV/TS
over a year ago

Tetbury

I think you have done the right thing and this isn't the worse place to do it, give this post a bit of time and see if someone else relates to it, then you have someone to talk to.

I get confused personally from time to time and wonder what's going on. We are all different and there are a lot of good people here.

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By *ackbydemandMan
over a year ago

Leicester

It isn't waffle and it isn't pointless.

You are not alone.

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By *nA - TGirlTV/TS
over a year ago

The Sunshine

I know exactly how you feel.

I’m here to chat if you ever want it.

Anna

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By *sBlueWoman
over a year ago

Up North

Well you look fab

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Its never pointless waffle, you're not alone there's always a friendly ear to listen on here x

Do you have any local resources like trans/non binary groups that you're able to access for support/friendship with others in a similar situation. May be able to help you find one if you don't know of any and you feel like something like that would be beneficial?

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By *ickawitchCouple
over a year ago

Away with the fairies (Liverpool to you)

It’s always interesting to hear about other lifestyles within this lifestyle. My niece has two or three non binary friends and I’ve never really understood what it meant. Wifey and both nieces have tried to explain it to me . But now having read this the penny has finally dropped. Please don’t judge ( I’m old) .

But I feel strongly that you are who you are, and should never be afraid or ashamed of it , and there are plenty of understanding folks on here to use as a sounding board if you need to

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By *edfleetMan
over a year ago

covent garden

Hol

Well done on sharing about your true self. I hope this is one more positive step to living your authentic life.

My youngest in non-binary and Pan. It took some learning and understanding on my behalf and i still get their pronouns wrong at times but they are a wonderful person

It’s never wrong to be yourself

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By *oft_SensualTV/TS
over a year ago

Yorkshire

There are lots of people who struggle with the presentation and actuality of their gender identity and overall sense of self, it's more common than you might think and nothing to feel bad about.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It sounds like you're struggling with negative self-talk, which I've personally struggled with all my life so I completely understand what you're going through. It can be really hard to switch off that negative inner voice. You've got to remember that as well as the negative inner voice you also have a positive inner voice that compels you to explore your gender identity and that is the voice you need to trust and give power to.

Obviously it's easier said than done, but please look up the 54321 technique, save it on your phone on a note or something and whenever you notice yourself slipping into these negative self-talk patterns about yourself, utilise that technique and bring yourself back into the present moment. You are not your thoughts and understanding that starts with learning how to separate yourself from them.

I hope that proves helpful.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi

So I’m non binary, now lots of you will probably say woke nonsense, but hear me out.

I don’t know what this is going to be and mostly I think it will be me just waffling, sorry.

But I am lacking in confidence is how I look or who looks back in the mirror.

Sometimes I’m full on doing my best woman (Holly) web makeup dresses, sometimes wig makeup jeans and a T-shirt

Then other days I’m full ‘boy’ short hair no makeup casual or smart.

I like I can switch between the two.

Other days I’m a complete mash of all of it and I think this might be the lacking confidence bit

I as a ‘boy’ wear heels dresses and makeup because I want to and they are only clothes, when I do this I have to look confident but I’m not and sometimes need a boost I guess.

Anyway I don’t know why I’ve posted this. I think I just never like who’s in the mirror these days whatever or however I dress. I know it’s a mind set but looking for suggestions to click out of it.

Thank for reading my pointless waffle about me. It’s helped me to write it down if nothing more

Hol xx

"

My eldest is non binary. Took me a long time to understand. But on the tok app, there is an amazing person called Jeffery Marsh, they are non binary. They are amazing. Their video have helped me understand. They promote confidence and openess. Go look them up.

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire

Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either."

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad."

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort."

Non binary comes under the trans umbrella. Your comment was hostile and nothing to do with the OPs post. Kicking someone while they're down.

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

I'm glad you felt able to share here, OP.

I can't relate to what you are describing in any real depth. However, I am pleased you have had some responses from people who might be able to offer more wisdom than I.

Btw, that pole dancing photo - I can't fathom the muscles that must take!

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By *arkandlovelyWoman
over a year ago

South Derbyshire


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

Non binary comes under the trans umbrella. Your comment was hostile and nothing to do with the OPs post. Kicking someone while they're down. "

No it wasn't - don't project your own feelings onto somebody else's writing then claim to know better than they do about their intentions.

OP willingly shared his own experience and I respectfully stated my own thoughts without abuse or "phobia". There was nothing in my comment that should threaten a mature adult. We do not all have to agree, provided discussion remains respectful - and you're seemingly the first person who used personal insults or name calling to make a point.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

Non binary comes under the trans umbrella. Your comment was hostile and nothing to do with the OPs post. Kicking someone while they're down.

No it wasn't - don't project your own feelings onto somebody else's writing then claim to know better than they do about their intentions.

OP willingly shared his own experience and I respectfully stated my own thoughts without abuse or "phobia". There was nothing in my comment that should threaten a mature adult. We do not all have to agree, provided discussion remains respectful - and you're seemingly the first person who used personal insults or name calling to make a point."

Name calling and personal insults? Where have I done that?? Please show me.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort."

With every sentence you're proving how devoid of any worthwhile knowledge you are on this topic. Trans and NB people are so tired of hearing the opinions of clueless cisgender people who haven't bothered to educate themselves one iota before vomiting their absent-minded word salad all over us. Know when it is your place to listen first and speak later.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

Non binary comes under the trans umbrella. Your comment was hostile and nothing to do with the OPs post. Kicking someone while they're down.

No it wasn't - don't project your own feelings onto somebody else's writing then claim to know better than they do about their intentions.

OP willingly shared his own experience and I respectfully stated my own thoughts without abuse or "phobia". There was nothing in my comment that should threaten a mature adult. We do not all have to agree, provided discussion remains respectful - and you're seemingly the first person who used personal insults or name calling to make a point."

In fact, it's yourself that is insulting the OP by misgendering them. They use They/Them or She/Her, not him.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

With every sentence you're proving how devoid of any worthwhile knowledge you are on this topic. Trans and NB people are so tired of hearing the opinions of clueless cisgender people who haven't bothered to educate themselves one iota before vomiting their absent-minded word salad all over us. Know when it is your place to listen first and speak later."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either."

If you had any knowledge on what being non-binary is or what being trans is, you would recognise that this comment IS hostile. You invalidate their experiences, misgender them and it has an overall patronising, defensive tone to it. It's gross, frankly.

At best you could call it clumsy, but the fact you felt the need to comment it at all without first bothering to learn anything about this person's experience - or the experiences of any non-binary or trans person - is telling.

If you want to learn more instead of just imparting your "opinions" then seek out information from credible sources who explain things well, like: Contrapoints, Philosophy Tube, Pink News, Stonewall Project. There's even a really good article in American Scientific that explains some of the latest research on biological sex and how even that doesn't fit into a binary defined only by XX/XY chromosomes. There's so much high quality information out there nowadays, there really is no excuse.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

With every sentence you're proving how devoid of any worthwhile knowledge you are on this topic. Trans and NB people are so tired of hearing the opinions of clueless cisgender people who haven't bothered to educate themselves one iota before vomiting their absent-minded word salad all over us. Know when it is your place to listen first and speak later.

"

Wow, can people not just be nice to one another regardless of gender sexuality, religion, or how one identifies, the end of the day we are all human and have to share this earth together, I'm sure the young lady didn't mean any offence and had you gone about responding in a more positive manor she might have been more open to educating herself about being non-binary, but I assume now all you have most likely done is closed her off to even considering it, it's a little disappointing really.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either.

Instead of projecting your insecurities and transphobia onto someone who is clearly going through a hard time, why don't you learn about what it is to be trans and what it is to be non-binary. A wealth of information at your fingertips and you still choose ignorance. Sad.

Who said anything about trans? If you wanted to interpret my comment as hostile that's entirely of your own making. It was nothing of the sort.

With every sentence you're proving how devoid of any worthwhile knowledge you are on this topic. Trans and NB people are so tired of hearing the opinions of clueless cisgender people who haven't bothered to educate themselves one iota before vomiting their absent-minded word salad all over us. Know when it is your place to listen first and speak later.

Wow, can people not just be nice to one another regardless of gender sexuality, religion, or how one identifies, the end of the day we are all human and have to share this earth together, I'm sure the young lady didn't mean any offence and had you gone about responding in a more positive manor she might have been more open to educating herself about being non-binary, but I assume now all you have most likely done is closed her off to even considering it, it's a little disappointing really."

If she was even remotely open to learning then I doubt she would have doubled down on her ignorance when she was asked to read the room, instead she chose to misgender the OP and accuse people of insulting HER.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this."

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/11/22 23:21:41]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?"

If all non-binary people are like you I really don't want to learn anything more about this subject, good luck to you, I'm out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

If all non-binary people are like you I really don't want to learn anything more about this subject, good luck to you, I'm out"

I don't even know what to say to this, I'm not non-binary? Sorry that my fact checking is so offensive to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm always open to reading information other people have based their views on, is that not how people learn? On the other hand, it's not something gender critical people tend to be open to.

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By *orny PTMan
over a year ago

Peterborough


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?"

It's purely anecdotal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

It's purely anecdotal."

Ok thank you for replying. The history of trans/non binary/gender non conformist people around the world is quite fascinating and goes back a lot further than people may think, language may have been different but they certainly existed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

It's purely anecdotal."

A lot of data about the human experience is basically drawn from a large collection of accounts that are, individually, anecdotal. You know that, right? Or do you think any human experience that exists outside of a binary that was mostly enforced as a result of colonialism and religious beliefs is one big conspiracy and everyone is lying all the time?

Also, that statement is just downright incorrect. Some of you need to recognise that clutching your pearls over your precious opinions doesn't suddenly make you right. Facts don't care about your feelings, as the saying goes. You just don't know what the facts are yet or where to find them, so instead you substitute knowledge for your opinion, which, considering how uninformed it is, is about as useful as a chocolate fireguard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

It's purely anecdotal.

Ok thank you for replying. The history of trans/non binary/gender non conformist people around the world is quite fascinating and goes back a lot further than people may think, language may have been different but they certainly existed "

Right on.

Two-spirit people in native America, the Hijras of India and the numerous examples of third genders within cultures that are no longer around. Intersex people who's physical anatomy and DNA does not conform to a male/female binary from birth. The millions of trans and non-binary people who walk the earth today. There would be many more millions of us if not for the AIDS crisis. So many trans, non binary, gay and lesbian elders who could have spoken and educated about their experiences never had the chance to have their voices heard because they died. Much of the same media rhetoric being used to demonise Trans people today is just recycled from the demonisation of gay people during the AIDS crisis and back in the 80s.

Many of you don't even realise that your Transphobia is actually also Homophobia. You'll say you've got nothing against gay people, sure, but how comfortable many on here are about discriminating against Trans people and NB people proves that it is all just empty words. It's up to individuals to confront that and work on those prejudices instead of getting defensive. We can't do the work for you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"All I can say Holly is this. Some women are tomboys and never wear dresses, so are only ever girly and would never ever wear trousers, it's only recently that some men have, en masse decided to play dress up and become version 2.0.

The women have had a head start on this.

Only recently? Not according to my 10 second Google. Do you have a source for this information?

It's purely anecdotal.

Ok thank you for replying. The history of trans/non binary/gender non conformist people around the world is quite fascinating and goes back a lot further than people may think, language may have been different but they certainly existed

Right on.

Two-spirit people in native America, the Hijras of India and the numerous examples of third genders within cultures that are no longer around. Intersex people who's physical anatomy and DNA does not conform to a male/female binary from birth. The millions of trans and non-binary people who walk the earth today. There would be many more millions of us if not for the AIDS crisis. So many trans, non binary, gay and lesbian elders who could have spoken and educated about their experiences never had the chance to have their voices heard because they died. Much of the same media rhetoric being used to demonise Trans people today is just recycled from the demonisation of gay people during the AIDS crisis and back in the 80s.

Many of you don't even realise that your Transphobia is actually also Homophobia. You'll say you've got nothing against gay people, sure, but how comfortable many on here are about discriminating against Trans people and NB people proves that it is all just empty words. It's up to individuals to confront that and work on those prejudices instead of getting defensive. We can't do the work for you."

Right back at you, absolutely spot on!

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

It's such a shame that the OP's thread has been derailed.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It is a shame, a separate thread might have been more appropriate for some of the discussion. Hopefully OP can see there is always people willing to support them though x

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Hey Holly,

Is it definitely your gender presentation that’s causing you to feel dissatisfied when you look in the mirror? It sounds like you might have some perfectionism going on, feeling like you have to do the full makeup and heels thing to be accepted - and you don’t. We don’t need you to be flawless. We need you to be here and real and loved, and however you dress defines what nonbinary people wear. We make our own rules, so they have to work for us.

Can I make a suggestion? This’ll sound weird, but I figured out that in my head, lingerie and basques are agender - because of Rocky Horror. Play around. Get dressed up in your favourite lingerie and take pictures. Have fun. If I say it’s not about how you look but showing how you feel, would that make sense? Get comfortable in your own skin again, because that skin is glorious.

But. There is also a part of me that is wondering if you could be depressed, because, well, it’s 2022. If this is a possibility, do you know where to go for help?

Thankyou for posting, this must have taken so much courage. I’m nonbinary too - though also kinda agender - and it can be hard at times.

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton


"Hey Holly,

Is it definitely your gender presentation that’s causing you to feel dissatisfied when you look in the mirror? It sounds like you might have some perfectionism going on, feeling like you have to do the full makeup and heels thing to be accepted - and you don’t. We don’t need you to be flawless. We need you to be here and real and loved, and however you dress defines what nonbinary people wear. We make our own rules, so they have to work for us.

Can I make a suggestion? This’ll sound weird, but I figured out that in my head, lingerie and basques are agender - because of Rocky Horror. Play around. Get dressed up in your favourite lingerie and take pictures. Have fun. If I say it’s not about how you look but showing how you feel, would that make sense? Get comfortable in your own skin again, because that skin is glorious.

But. There is also a part of me that is wondering if you could be depressed, because, well, it’s 2022. If this is a possibility, do you know where to go for help?

Thankyou for posting, this must have taken so much courage. I’m nonbinary too - though also kinda agender - and it can be hard at times. "

This might be the best post I've ever read on fab.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hey OP, I’m listed as a woman on here but I’m genderfluid and I didn’t want to list myself as TS/TV as I think there’s an assumption on here that if you use those labels you’re AMAB. But I feel more and more masc all the time, I enjoy crossdressing and when I go to kink events I ask to be referred to as he/him. I struggle with “passing” as well, I know passing is performative bs but I’d love it if people didn’t just look at me and see/assume I’m a woman.

I’ve got my profile hidden at the moment but if you wanted to chat lmk!

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By *olly_Amber OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Live Sussex, Work London


"Hey Holly,

Is it definitely your gender presentation that’s causing you to feel dissatisfied when you look in the mirror? It sounds like you might have some perfectionism going on, feeling like you have to do the full makeup and heels thing to be accepted - and you don’t. We don’t need you to be flawless. We need you to be here and real and loved, and however you dress defines what nonbinary people wear. We make our own rules, so they have to work for us.

Can I make a suggestion? This’ll sound weird, but I figured out that in my head, lingerie and basques are agender - because of Rocky Horror. Play around. Get dressed up in your favourite lingerie and take pictures. Have fun. If I say it’s not about how you look but showing how you feel, would that make sense? Get comfortable in your own skin again, because that skin is glorious.

But. There is also a part of me that is wondering if you could be depressed, because, well, it’s 2022. If this is a possibility, do you know where to go for help?

Thankyou for posting, this must have taken so much courage. I’m nonbinary too - though also kinda agender - and it can be hard at times. "

Oh thank you for your reply went to message you privately but couldn’t

I’m going to try, I’m not big into sexy underwear because obviously it looks better on everyone else!

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By *olly_Amber OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Live Sussex, Work London


"Hey OP, I’m listed as a woman on here but I’m genderfluid and I didn’t want to list myself as TS/TV as I think there’s an assumption on here that if you use those labels you’re AMAB. But I feel more and more masc all the time, I enjoy crossdressing and when I go to kink events I ask to be referred to as he/him. I struggle with “passing” as well, I know passing is performative bs but I’d love it if people didn’t just look at me and see/assume I’m a woman.

I’ve got my profile hidden at the moment but if you wanted to chat lmk! "

Thank you always happy to have a chat with anyone

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By *olly_Amber OP   TV/TS
over a year ago

Live Sussex, Work London

Thank you all for the replies, even the drama in the middle of the reply’s!

I’ve taken to wearing the odd skirt out now just everyday minimal kinda everyday makeup and no long hair.

On the who nothing has happened. The odd, odd look but it’s all good so far.

Still feel very self conscious but more positive this week!

Thank you all so much

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By *elaninMaverickWoman
over a year ago

near Putney Heath


"Thank you all for the replies, even the drama in the middle of the reply’s!

I’ve taken to wearing the odd skirt out now just everyday minimal kinda everyday makeup and no long hair.

On the who nothing has happened. The odd, odd look but it’s all good so far.

Still feel very self conscious but more positive this week!

Thank you all so much"

Hugs I obviously have no idea what you are going through.

I don't know if you have tried more androgynous looks so people can't tell.

I'm just throwing out suggestions. I've always been a tomboy and I've shopped in all sections of a clothing store. (male, female, children when I was thinner, Children also have the cutest accessories too.) But I've always been interested in fashion/beauty.

I think the androgynous look is very cool because you can look like a man or a woman and most people can't tell.

I wear a lot of male sports clothing and I'm ok with it. When I worked in a law firm I would dress more masculine some days in full suits and button up shirts. Now I work in a supermarket and I am dressed exactly as the men.

You can play around with the make-up too. You can see what makeup and dress they put in the male catwalk collections....they do use Androgynous female models as well as male models. Then see how they dress and make up the androgynous male models in the female collections.

Fashion has always had this fluidity. men in kilts/shirts/sarongs/pareos/kangas/Lungis.

For make up I love Robert Walsh.....He is a gay male but does the most amazing makeup with a beard!! I think he looks pretty! Prettier than me and I don't have a beard.

It's easier for me I guess because I've been watching fashion shows since I was 11. But it can be open to everyone and it doesn't have to be expensive.

Even something like bondage gear can be gender fluid. the only difference maybe smaller sizes for females and bigger for males. My bike helmet is gender-fluid. I just had to measure how big my head was not if I had a male or female head. Lol!

Lots of stores now have big unisex collections. Don't feel like you need to conform to being a complete dolled up female version or a complete dressed down male version.

Plus if you go to the nudist spa, we are all naked anyway with no clothes and the makeup runs off your face in the heat and steam lol!

Hugs and I'm around if you want to go clothing shopping!!

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By *rontier PsychiatristMan
over a year ago

Coventry

Not standing in your shoes it's hard to fully grasp the difficulties and nuances of your gender identity. Especially in a world still coming to grips with the existence of gender fluidity and variety. And in a world still full of prejudice for what's different. It's always been a tough world to be different and I think many of us have suffered for being different (to varying extents). So I think most of us can have empathy even if we don't fully understand being in your shoes.

But I see a world that is changing. I see more openness to ideas and expression of differing genders, relationships and sexual orientations. I see more people openly express themselves. Mainly the young and surprisingly the old (less of those in middle). It's important that people express themselves and be visible, even when it's hard to do in society. Because with visability, normalisation and good role models we can make society fairer.

So I guess my main answer is please, please just be you and do you. Because I want a society where my children can grow up and feel free to be truly themselves and safe doing so.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Doesn't the concept of non-binary just reinforce the gender binary? If we stopped placing so much importance on socially-constructed gender stereotypes perhaps men could feel free to wear make up or dresses without feeling they have to identify as something else to justify it. Dresses aren't incompatible with manhood and they don't define womanhood either."

It's a shame some people have accused you of transphobia, when there are plenty of transgender folk who feel the same way about this relatively new idea of gender being a spectrum.

I've had transgender women say to me how this new idea does a disservice to the efforts they put into their transition -- often, they don't consider themselves as another dot on a spectrum, they wish to live as the opposite sex, and invest an absolute fortune in making it happen.

Of course, it's a conversation not everyone is going to be on the same page about and others are entitled to think differently -- opinions are just opinions, and should be allowed to be explored without anyone shouting accusations around.

Apart from that, it's not mine or anyone else's business how anyone chooses to live -- everyone is entitled to be happy, including those we disagree with.

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By *andyrod1Man
over a year ago

St Margaret's at Cliffe

Writing your thoughts down on paper can be very therapeutic and far better than sending your feelings off into cyberspace for an army of keyboard warriors to dissect, mock and be abusive.

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