FabSwingers.com forum: Need some advice please.

By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

Need some advice please

I've been talking to this girl, in person, for a while now. Personally I thought things were going well, we've got to know each other well and I felt a good connection.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, and she replied with ' I don't know because it's supposed to rain'.

I just replied with no worries then as I don't want to try and force anything.

I'm taking her reply as a polite NO. I would have preffered a NO I'm not interested in you like that, lets just be friends or no Ive got other plans, how about we do XYZ on a different date.

Since then I've politely tried to back off and spend less time talking with her, as I know I will find it extremely difficult to be friends after I've started to develop feelings.

However she still keeps talking to me in person and initiating contact, even when ive been trying to be short and abrupt. I feel like I'm getting a lot of mixed signals here and it's killing me inside.

I don't know what the best thing is for me to do here, as I still see this person on a regular basis.

I've been debating sending a message along the lines of ' I really like you, i might be wrong but i feel that you like me too, can you see this going anywhere, if not please let me know' .

Just so I can get some clarification / closure and move on.

Is there even a polite way to say that I think we should spend less time together as in going to struggle to remain just friends now that I've caught feelings?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"I've been debating sending a message along the lines of ' I really like you, i might be wrong but i feel that you like me too, can you see this going anywhere, if not please let me know'"

I don't see anything wrong with that, especially if you can find a light-hearted way to do it.

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By *illloganMan
over a year ago

Essex

When she said I don't know because its going to rain you should have been assertive and told her to be ready by 8pm because you have an umbrella/where you're going has a roof so that's fine etc.

Don't ask, tell.

(unless it's sex, then you must ask)

You're being too polite about it.

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By *oubledongWoman
over a year ago

Headington, Oxford

Ask her straight, would she be interested in dating or just friends. Tell her she seems like a lovely person and you would like to see where things take you but don’t want to make her uncomfortable if she prefers not to take things in that direction.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

If you genuinely don't want her as a friend just tell her how you feel. You're over thinking this a bit

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By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

Thank you everyone for the advice.

I know I'm overthinking this, over thinking is one of my biggest flaws, but It's been a while since I've let myself get this close with anyone. I feel like we have a genuine connection and the feeling of uncertainty is killing me inside.

I don't want to cut her out of my life completely, that would be a complete dick move on my part.

I just feel like I just need clarification on where we stand, and to know if she can see this going anywhere or not.

I could remain friends with her, but would need to take a bit of time out / space to move on if I know she's not interested in taking things further.

If it was someone who I didn't see on a regular basis and hadn't taken the time to get to know, then it wouldn't bother me.

I can handle and deal with rejection, but it's killing me inside not knowing where we stand, relieving mixed signals, alongside the self doubt on my side thinking could this go anywhere or am I massively misreading this situation.

I also don't want to make things awkward between us, but I really need some form of clarification / closure to enable me to move on rather than thinking what if, if I have misread this situation.

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By *oolkoupleCouple
over a year ago

Cheshire

Sounds like you're the one giving mixed signals, asking her to go out then the next minute being abrupt with her. Meanwhile she has continued to be pleasant with you and want to talk.

If you feel like you need to make your feelings and position clear then do so sooner rather than later.

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By *eepgliderMan
over a year ago

Chacewater

... I know I'm overthinking this, over thinking is one of my biggest flaws, ...

Know of this problem. Not sure where I came across it ?!

It's meant to be; it's not meant to be.

Don't carry an emotional cripple.

That's why you keep looking around and building options so in the ups-and-downs of circumstances and life in general has the right one come-through.

As it seems to me. ??

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By *lik and PaulCouple
over a year ago

cahoots

I just feel like I just need clarification on where we stand, and to know if she can see this going anywhere or not.

...then ask her

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By *8v3nCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

' I don't know because it's supposed to rain' to me sounds like more maybe yes rather than maybe no. And you backing off afterwards looks like you are not interested anymore.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I've been debating sending a message along the lines of ' I really like you, i might be wrong but i feel that you like me too, can you see this going anywhere, if not please let me know'

I don't see anything wrong with that, especially if you can find a light-hearted way to do it."

Good luck OP. Being in limbo is crap. If she says no, it will hurt but you can move on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Sounds like you're the one giving mixed signals, asking her to go out then the next minute being abrupt with her. Meanwhile she has continued to be pleasant with you and want to talk.

If you feel like you need to make your feelings and position clear then do so sooner rather than later."

Exactly this!

Its really very simple you just as her.

The message you are thinking of sending is absolutely fine. Just send it.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

I’d interpret that comment as a clear indication that she wanted to see you, but indoors. Possibly in bed?

If you are catching feelings and it is no longer just sex for you, you’re moving the goalposts. Put your big girl pants on and tell her you’re interested in building a relationship and seeing where things go. Stop the rudeness and abruptness, you can do better.

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Relationships change and people sometimes need their own time, to develop their own understanding of where they're at, what they're feeling, wanting etc.

Trying to force grey into black and white, may pressure some people.

Giving people choices can be supportive and less pressured.

Maybe she does or doesn't know what she's after at the moment. You can engage in things together, without having a label attached to your engagement.

I'd encourage you to relax and to just to experience things together. Things could change and get clearer.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

Oh. And have the conversation in person.

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By *rlandoMan
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

classic case of being strung along ... you dont need advice , you know the answer .....

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"classic case of being strung along ... you dont need advice , you know the answer ....."

How is he being strung along?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it possible she's simply taken you at your word as in 'do you want to go out' as in outdoors and she's said bout the rain??

Were you clear you were asking her on a date?

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By *ustBoWoman
over a year ago

Somewhere in Co. Down

Just ask her how does she feel.

Reading what you have written it sounds more like ye are friends and now you want more and don't value her friendship, especially if you have been abrupt with her when she said she wasn't sure if she wanted to go out that one night. She may have no idea you want more than friendship with her. The only way you will know is by talking to her,and anyhow what will you lose because you already have said you don't think you can continue being friends because you have feelings for her. So for both your sakes it's better to talk to her and sort it out than continue along the path especially where you act hot and cold with her.

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Definitely agree its maybe you giving mixed signals ... in a good flow you would have dealt with that response in a natural way that would have elicited what sue was really thinking

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm confused on what setting you're chatting in if it's not when the pair of you are out? Is this a work friendship?

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By *penbicoupleCouple
over a year ago

Northampton

"When she said I don't know because its going to rain you should have been assertive and told her to be ready by 8pm because you have an umbrella/where you're going has a roof so that's fine etc.

Don't ask, tell."

Otherwise known as 'looking like a twat.'

Ignore this, OP.

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By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

Thank you for the replies everyone.

Looking back, I don't think I was clear that enough that I was asking her out on a date.

I probably should have clarified this after she said ' I don't know its supposed to rain'.

I just took it as a polite no and didn't want to be too pushy or make her feel uncomfortable.

I can see how it comes off as me giving mixed signals. But that's only because its been quite a while since I've let myself get this close to anyone. Some days I think to myself yeah she really likes me. But then there's other days where I get that self doubt in my head thinking it's too good to be true, which makes me embarrassed thinking I've misread the situation.

Just to clarify, I know her from work and we are always spending a lot of time together. It's got to the point where people have started to tease us saying there's something going on between us. Which is annoying as there isn't, but I wish there was.

I guess I'm going to do what everyone here has said and ask her straight up.

Thank you for the advice.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice would be to tread very carefully with a colleague

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By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

"My advice would be to tread very carefully with a colleague "

I very aware of this, however we do work in different departments,we're not working side by side all day long. Also its not a small company, there's probably about 500+ people employed there

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

There are a number of women that are quite happy to chat but have no intention of meeting. I guess they are bored, (I stand to be corrected). Message tennis with people who have no intention of meeting, is not for me.

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By *mp411Man
over a year ago

chester

I've had something similar to the op chatting met for a coffee had a snog but trying to arrange another meeting and every time I suggest a time/day always "oh I can't" and then says I'm a difficult person to meet go figure

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By *reenleavesCouple
over a year ago

North Wales

You have two options, really. Tell her how you really feel or just continue as friends.

Telling her how you feel could solve all your problems or it could make your friendship really awkward. Keeping her as a friend could work but you'd still have that 'what if' hanging over you. So you need to decide which is more important to you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"My advice would be to tread very carefully with a colleague

I very aware of this, however we do work in different departments,we're not working side by side all day long. Also its not a small company, there's probably about 500+ people employed there"

Well no harm in asking her then. But don't be huffy if she just likes you as a mate in the tea room

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By *inger_SnapWoman
over a year ago

Hampshire/Dorset

Ask her when she's free, and arrange a date. Something simple, just a coffee for like an hour.

If she can't manage that, tell her it's been nice chatting but you're looking for more and wish her well.

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By *EloveMan
over a year ago

Pool of Life

Just treat her as a good friend that your ready for more with.

Don't be pushy but be honest if it cones up in convo. Give it 6 months, if she doesn't bite then move on- works for me. (Sometimes

)

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By *ootprints1629Couple
over a year ago

somewhere in moray

"Need some advice please

I've been talking to this girl, in person, for a while now. Personally I thought things were going well, we've got to know each other well and I felt a good connection.

I asked her if she wanted to go out, and she replied with ' I don't know because it's supposed to rain'.

I just replied with no worries then as I don't want to try and force anything.

I'm taking her reply as a polite NO. I would have preffered a NO I'm not interested in you like that, lets just be friends or no Ive got other plans, how about we do XYZ on a different date.

Since then I've politely tried to back off and spend less time talking with her, as I know I will find it extremely difficult to be friends after I've started to develop feelings.

I don't know what the best thing is for me to do here, as I still see this person on a regular basis.

I've been debating sending a message along the lines of ' I really like you, i might be wrong but i feel that you like me too, can you see this going anywhere, if not please let me know' .

Just so I can get some clarification / closure and move on.

Is there even a polite way to say that I think we should spend less time together as in going to struggle to remain just friends now that I've caught feelings?

Any advice would be very much appreciated.

I think you need to be upfront and honest with her otherwise its just going to end up getting messy for you, if she just wants to be friends but you can't handle that then maybe you need to cut ties. But telling her how you feel will do one of two things, she tells you she likes you to but wants to.take things slow or no she doesn't see you in that way but either or knowing is the best thing for your own emotional wellbeing. Good luck.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just ask her

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By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

Well I spoke to her and told her how I feel.

She replied by saying ' I can't say that I don't like you, but at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship now'

I told her I'm not asking for a relationship, but if she wants to go out on a date sometime to let me know

She responded by saying she hopes it doesn't change anything between us.

So basically I got hit with a no, which hurts to hear, as it had been a while since I let myself get this close to anyone.

Now I'm here, unable to sleep, feeling really depressed about the whole situation.

Obviously it is what it is, nothing I can do to change the situation, I'm just going to have to move on, but it's easier said than done.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Awww sorry to hear that OP.

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By *ookingformilfs OP Man
over a year ago

Derby

For a moment it provided a sense of relief and put my mind at ease.

Now the reality has set in and it sucks.

I guess it's the fact that I've allowed myself to become close with this person, see them and speak on a regular basis, got to know them and built an emotional attachment, which makes it hurt even more. I feel like such an idiot right now.

I did try to mentally prepare myself for this outcome, but it's still tough.

Now I'm over stressing about the next time I'm going to see this person as I know it's going to be difficult for me emotionally.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Well I spoke to her and told her how I feel.

She replied by saying ' I can't say that I don't like you, but at the same time I don't want to be in a relationship now'

I told her I'm not asking for a relationship, but if she wants to go out on a date sometime to let me know

She responded by saying she hopes it doesn't change anything between us.

So basically I got hit with a no, which hurts to hear, as it had been a while since I let myself get this close to anyone.

Now I'm here, unable to sleep, feeling really depressed about the whole situation.

Obviously it is what it is, nothing I can do to change the situation, I'm just going to have to move on, but it's easier said than done."

She didn't say she doesn't like you. It's not going to happen but she doesn't hate you.

Try and be adult when you interact with her or you will lose her as a friend. Don't be snippy. Save the grumps for when you are alone.

It will hurt a lot but time heals. You still have her as a friend.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"For a moment it provided a sense of relief and put my mind at ease.

Now the reality has set in and it sucks.

I did try to mentally prepare myself for this outcome, but it's still tough.

Now I'm over stressing about the next time I'm going to see this person as I know it's going to be difficult for me emotionally.

Firstly you're not an idiot.

You said yourself that you tend to overthink. On the basis of the little you've told us here is it possible that you invested too much of yourself in this and mistook friendliness for romantic attraction?

Next time you see her,no matter how you feel inside, plaster a smile on your face, say hello and move along. It'll get easier the more often you see her.

I'm not unsympathetic but don't waste your time or energy on things that might have been