FabSwingers.com forum: Understanding her mindset and feelings

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Myself and my wife have a couples profile on here. We have had periods of being active on it and periods of not using it at all especially after one bad experience.

Last weekend we started using our account again after we both admitted missing aspects of it. We have been communicating about it a lot hoping to understand where we are both at and how we feel.

On one of the occasions we have used it previously she got very close to one particular man and openly admits the chemistry between them was “dangerous” even though nothing actually happened. She has also said starting this back up has her worried following our bad experience and that at the minute she doesnt see me as less of a man but less of a gentleman and some of her feelings towards me seem suppressed as she is worried about the bad experience we had previously repeating itself (all her own words)

Obviously there is something about it we both miss else we wouldnt be back here just wondering if any other couples have experienced how she feels

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By *reenleavesCouple
over a year ago

North Wales

Honestly, it sounds like swinging may not be the best thing for your relationship at the moment. I feel you have things you need to work on, possibly through couples therapy, before coming back.

In answer to your question, do you feel she would be open to a poly relationship but doesn't know how to go about it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

I’ll be honest I dont fully understand the workings of a poly relationship to comment on that. We have half heartedly joked about a throuple with one of her friends

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

What does she mean by "less of a gentleman"?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thats the part I cant understand and she cant explain.

The people she talking to she compares to her previous connection (sounds very Jada) and maybe not getting the same feeling

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thats the part I cant understand and she cant explain.

The people she talking to she compares to her previous connection (sounds very Jada) and maybe not getting the same feeling"

Obviously I'm not your partner and can't possibly know what she's really thinking. However to *me* being less of a gentleman is about behaviour, is she comparing the way you behave towards her to how this other guy was? Did he do stuff that made her feel special and valued and she feels you don't?

The bit about suppressing her feelings needs a bit more explanation I reckon, what's caused her to feel she needs to suppress them?

I would say don't meet anyone else until the two of you are solidly on track. I think you're being sent a lot of warning signals

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What was the bad experience?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for the advice I think the less feeling is allowing her to talk to me that would be less of a man but she claims that isnt the case.

The suppression cone from some anxiety linked to past experience

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Essentially her feelings. He opened a few doors for her and the lust was very intense when it went wrong was quite intense

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Thanks for the advice I think the less feeling is allowing her to talk to me that would be less of a man but she claims that isnt the case.

The suppression cone from some anxiety linked to past experience"

Sorry I don't understand what you mean in your first paragraph.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sorry that was awful writing.

So i think her less comment comes from allowing her to talk to others and whatever follows. To me that would be more towards less of a man but she says that isn’t the case.

Would like to stress we have decided to do this together and mutually when we discussed it she said there were elemnts of this she had been missing

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

"Sorry that was awful writing.

So i think her less comment comes from allowing her to talk to others and whatever follows. To me that would be more towards less of a man but she says that isn’t the case.

Would like to stress we have decided to do this together and mutually when we discussed it she said there were elemnts of this she had been missing"

You're less of a gentleman because of your attitude to how she talks to others?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

We've not had the same but there has been a little insecurity expressed between us.

We find that looking inwards to determine what it is we feel uncomfortable about gets us to a resolution much more quickly and effectively than looking externally. Your wife could consider her reasons for feeling that the previous situation was "dangerous" and perhaps consider if she has a more polyamorous attitude. You too could consider how you would feel about her being polyamorous. Whatever the issues are consider each of your attitudes to that issue before making any decisions. Overall we'd advise stepping away to consider these things and what it is you each enjoy about swinging. Often it is a break from the normal and expected which can revitalise that draws people in.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

(I’m polyamorous.)

So. You were previously swinging. She got emotionally invested in someone who didn’t return her feelings and got hurt in the process, and she’s worried about it happening again?

AND she’s perceiving you as less of a gentleman?

Whilst there’s not a lot to go on, that would worry me. Does she feel appreciated and cherished by you, or is she feeling taken for granted? Is she maybe taking you for granted and not seeing how amazing you are?

There are ways of swinging without catching feelings, if you’re one of those people who gets attached easily. I prefer club meets and infrequent messaging for this reason.

If you’re looking for advice, I’d book a weekend away with a club visit as part of the break. Spend the time reconnecting with each other, as well as meeting others.

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By *den-Valley-coupleCouple
over a year ago

Cumbria

We have years of experience and often drop out and then back in personally I think you should drop out and get to the bottom of the problem before it all goes wrong I would for my wife in a heartbeat unit she was happy even if that meant never coming back.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Does she think a "gentleman" wouldn't consider sharing his wife? I've seen that be a hurdle for couples before as it is a lot to get the head round.

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By *ootprints1629Couple
over a year ago

somewhere in moray

"Sorry that was awful writing.

So i think her less comment comes from allowing her to talk to others and whatever follows. To me that would be more towards less of a man but she says that isn’t the case.

Would like to stress we have decided to do this together and mutually when we discussed it she said there were elemnts of this she had been missing"

This is probably not something you want to do..but I think your going to have to open up a bit more for people to try and understand what it is that you mean..maybe elaborate on this bad experience and what has happned to make her think your less of a gentlemen..at the moment it's a bit of a riddle.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 30/04/22 08:41:37]

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Does she think a "gentleman" wouldn't consider sharing his wife? I've seen that be a hurdle for couples before as it is a lot to get the head round. "

Thats exactly it

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Thanks for everyone who has replied

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By *isfits behaving badlyCouple
over a year ago

Coventry

I think what's really good is the openness and Frankness of how you both communicate. Whatever dynamic you both decide is best a huge part of successful relationships is open honest communication (especially when the subject is difficult). Take it easy, keep talking, be tolerant of each others mistakes and you'll get there. And remember it's ok to change and adapt as you grow. Something that may not work for you now may do in the future.

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