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Unprotected sex … unusual?

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By *iggstimpy OP   Couple
over a year ago

South East

Just after others opinions really. Has this situation occur……

Wife and I have been to about 10 club nights at various places over last 3/4 years. Had a few occasions where we’ve ended in a FMF threesome and obviously I’ve used protection. Our only real “rule” was always safe sex. My wife has simply never found a guy she liked so she has never even played with a man and it’s sort of become a bigger deal that she hasn’t than it needed to be. She wasn’t desperate! Just one of those things that wasn’t happening and so we always had this “will it be tonight” feeling.

Anyway, the other night…we are in a hot tub playing together. Another couple join and soon start interacting with us. We swap over and now is the first time my wife is with another guy. She went into it really nervous. Wrong word…..just…..a bit overwhelmed maybe. But willing and I’m right next to her. After 5/10 mins play the other couple leave us and we chat. It turns out, he’d had sex with her without protection. I’d seen her moving on him but assumed it was soft play. I was a bit staggered! And we ended up leaving soon after. No anger or anything…. Just had to sort it in our heads somewhere more appropriate.

So after discussion…. This is what happened - she was with him and just had a “oh my god this is happening….. calm down ….. it’s not a big deal, just relax……oh god he’s going to fuck me…..just let it happen….. get the first time over with”. She couldn’t have picked the guy out of a lineup 20 seconds afterwards. She just went through it in a daze….. it wasn’t a negative experience for her, but certainly not a positive – she was just lost in scared/excited/overwhelmed thoughts. She also assumed I was doing the same….. I wasn’t, I stopped the girl when she tried and we just soft played. With a level head, she’d have thought “wtf, why is he not using something….. but again, her head was too busy”. Not that it’s an excuse but my wife’s history (before me) is lots of typical university life sex where protection wasn’t routine (nuts, but in the past) so she doesn’t have a “condoms are a must” mindset engraved on her brain. She knows it’s our rule….just not something she has lots of experience implementing.

So we are where we are. As a couple we are fine. I regarded it as much my fault as hers. When the girl tried with me I should have assumed that the same might be going on and looked out for my wife better. We had also both underestimated how nervous she would be….. oddly, if that had happened on our first trip to a club it would have probably been better – it’s just built up over the years of not happening like standing too long on the diving board when you should just jump.

We are not put off going to clubs – and, now her first time is out of the way (even if not done great) we/she are much more relaxed about it happening again and maintaining some ROCK SOLID rules that NEVER get broken!

So my question is…to put her mind at rest….or not! How unusual is it that a guy will just try (not just a guy, his partner would have happily done the same with me) to not use a condom? Was my wife unlucky to meet someone like that the first time or is that a fairly routine occurrence? And have we handled it the right way? Regarding it as a problem for us to deal with as a pair…..no guilt. Just calmly discussing how to prevent it happening again.

As you can imagine. My wife feels terrible (no matter what I say) because her experience was massive apprehension, dazed bewilderment, relief it was out the way, horror at the realisation of what she’d done and then guilt at having broken our only rule.

I’ve told her it’s more his fault for doing it and mine for not having her back. Just curious on others thoughts.

And yes, she’s going to get tested.

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By *aunchy RaccoonsCouple
over a year ago

Exeter

Sounds like the other couple are really irresponsible and shouldn't be going to clubs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

been on the scene for years including clubs there are more bare people that there are safe thats for sure so no they are not unusual at all ..... need eyes in the back of your head in this scene and never start play with out sayimg your safe or not

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've not much experience with the clubs unfortunately but I've had a lot of meets off here (on old profiles) and off other sex sites and apps. I've only used protection once on their insistence. I don't know if more people play bare than safe (I expect so) but it's certainly very common.

If it bothers you then I'd suggest not engaging on any play at all in pools or hot tubs as it's impossible to use a condom. Also tell her to be careful in doggy. Xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I think the guy took advantage of your lady

Id never have unprotected sex with a stranger unless they specifically asked

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By *illloganMan
over a year ago

Essex

Sounds to me like there were 4 of you and no boundaries were laid out before hand, you got caught up in the moment, your wife was shocked and a bit apprehensive so forgot, he didn't ask, she didn't ask, no one to blame in my opinion and you've learnt your lesson. Next time will be better for the both of you.

Sounds like you've both taken it on the chin and know for next time.

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By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

I club, ALOT as a single gal.

I don’t think playing bareback is common at all. Most of the men I play with (I don’t know them before arriving) are all really responsible.

Only maybe 1/2 times I’ve had to ask.

I am however always more careful in groups that men swap condoms between women. I think that’s quite easily over looked in the moment and not intentional

If it’s a big deal to you (and rightly so it is to me!) then it needs to be a big deal to your wife and respect the boundaries.

I think it’s really nice you’ve supported in this situation, I think not as many men would be as understanding x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are you going to clubs in some kind of daze? Were you both drinking?

Who fucks someone without knowing what they are doing?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

You agreed that your only boundary was safe sex. You stuck to it, your wife didn't.

I can't really see what this has to do with other people's expectations. You stopped it.

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

It’s not unusual. I had a chap try without a condom last week, and got stealthed in a different club before lockdown. I’ve also had several chaps push for bareback on couples meets - it FEELS more common when I’m out as part of a couple, though I don’t know if that’s just my experience?

For

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By *elkieWoman
over a year ago

Durham

For future reference, you can get post-exposure protection from HIV by visiting A&E or a GUM clinic. Right now, I’d strongly suggest using condoms with your wife and getting an STI check in six weeks time.

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By *oobyHotwifeWoman
over a year ago

Thurrock

My partner and I are bareback only & it's certainly a lot more common than people will admit to

Not a day goes past where we aren't approached by guys and couples whose profiles say safe (some of the profiles say it multiple times) and when we point it out they'll say oh we put that but our preference is bare

I don't think you should be looking to lay blame with anyone, & I certainly don't think the blame if you're looking to lay it can be laid purely at the guys door, either of them could have brought up the topic of protection but didn't for whatever reason ;heat if the moment), I'm assuming he wouldn't have known he was her first & what a big deal this was for you both. You've mentioned she was moving on him, which and I apologise if I misread/interpreted this as her on top, entry in water isn't easy (I know because I own a Hottub) he couldn't have slipped it in, she could have stopped him

It seems as she said it was a spur of the moment oh god it's happening thing & only after did she consider protection, I understand her guilt, I'd understand you being upset or angry at the situation

I do not understand you thinking it's the guys fault entirely if there's blame it's definitely 50/50 between your wife & the guy for discussing it, you were able to say no to his partner

It sounds like your being supportive of your wife, it seems like you accept the mistake but I wouldn't use the guy as a scapegoat, put it down to nerves, let it be a lesson learned & try and move on

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By *tirling DarkCouple
over a year ago

Stirling

Would be advisable to pop to your local GUM clinic to be safe.

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By *picyrodMan
over a year ago

Leicestershire

I have had bare back in hot tub shouldn't have but things got out of place

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By *o new WinksMan
over a year ago

BSE


"

I think it’s really nice you’ve supported in this situation, I think not as many men would be as understanding x"

This was my overriding thought from your post OP.

The actual question of frequency of bareback is too variable to answer.

But, if you remain open and supportive of each other, you will find your way of dealing with these situations.

Enjoy

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By *rTongueMan
over a year ago

...

When me and my ex started meeting couples we had the same rules. But it became very clear than nearly everyone else we met/chatted with would say that they would play safe, but preferred bare.

Think like others have said, you need to be firm in the rules early with other playmates, otherwise the mood takes over and things happen

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By *heelofTimeCouple
over a year ago

Two Rivers

Heya sorry to hear about the experience over the weekend. It’s extremely common in the swing world to play bare! Your wife and yourself will need to have condoms always nearby for these situations. Generally in hot tubs etc we only do oral (I know I know can still catch things this route). If your worried do go to your local clinic to be checked out and also if it was this weekend go get PEP - works up to 72hrs later and can help prevent exposure to HIV.

We always play safe and make a rule to have condoms nearby and as someone mentioned previously change between partners etc

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Surely the lady could've asked the moment she felt it going in or just before so the female would be just as much responsible not entirely the guys fault

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"For future reference, you can get post-exposure protection from HIV by visiting A&E or a GUM clinic. Right now, I’d strongly suggest using condoms with your wife and getting an STI check in six weeks time.

"

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By *picyrodMan
over a year ago

Leicestershire

It was in the water

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By *iggstimpy OP   Couple
over a year ago

South East


"Surely the lady could've asked the moment she felt it going in or just before so the female would be just as much responsible not entirely the guys fault"

Absolutely – Point wasn’t really to blame the guy with any real malice. I suppose I was simply highlighting that my wife did not really make a deliberate choice because her brain was filled with “oh heck this is happening” rather than being sensible. Which I’m sure is the backdrop to a zillion unwanted pregnancies and diseases so no excuse!

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By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Wandsworth

Where was the communication beforehand? take it as a lesson, next time be on the lookout, your wife will be fine.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle


"Surely the lady could've asked the moment she felt it going in or just before so the female would be just as much responsible not entirely the guys fault

Absolutely – Point wasn’t really to blame the guy with any real malice. I suppose I was simply highlighting that my wife did not really make a deliberate choice because her brain was filled with “oh heck this is happening” rather than being sensible. Which I’m sure is the backdrop to a zillion unwanted pregnancies and diseases so no excuse!"

Partly both to blame if the guy was made aware then the female not to question at the time as that is reassuring as you've mentioned the (rule) it just comes natural to make sure to ask no excuses can be used especially when you're a couple and have discussed at lengths and I don't think it would be down to the male of this op to feel responsible as their is ground rules and have clearly stuck by them....

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By *amLaraCroftWoman
over a year ago

London


"Just after others opinions really. Has this situation occur……

Wife and I have been to about 10 club nights at various places over last 3/4 years. Had a few occasions where we’ve ended in a FMF threesome and obviously I’ve used protection. Our only real “rule” was always safe sex. My wife has simply never found a guy she liked so she has never even played with a man and it’s sort of become a bigger deal that she hasn’t than it needed to be. She wasn’t desperate! Just one of those things that wasn’t happening and so we always had this “will it be tonight” feeling.

Anyway, the other night…we are in a hot tub playing together. Another couple join and soon start interacting with us. We swap over and now is the first time my wife is with another guy. She went into it really nervous. Wrong word…..just…..a bit overwhelmed maybe. But willing and I’m right next to her. After 5/10 mins play the other couple leave us and we chat. It turns out, he’d had sex with her without protection. I’d seen her moving on him but assumed it was soft play. I was a bit staggered! And we ended up leaving soon after. No anger or anything…. Just had to sort it in our heads somewhere more appropriate.

So after discussion…. This is what happened - she was with him and just had a “oh my god this is happening….. calm down ….. it’s not a big deal, just relax……oh god he’s going to fuck me…..just let it happen….. get the first time over with”. She couldn’t have picked the guy out of a lineup 20 seconds afterwards. She just went through it in a daze….. it wasn’t a negative experience for her, but certainly not a positive – she was just lost in scared/excited/overwhelmed thoughts. She also assumed I was doing the same….. I wasn’t, I stopped the girl when she tried and we just soft played. With a level head, she’d have thought “wtf, why is he not using something….. but again, her head was too busy”. Not that it’s an excuse but my wife’s history (before me) is lots of typical university life sex where protection wasn’t routine (nuts, but in the past) so she doesn’t have a “condoms are a must” mindset engraved on her brain. She knows it’s our rule….just not something she has lots of experience implementing.

So we are where we are. As a couple we are fine. I regarded it as much my fault as hers. When the girl tried with me I should have assumed that the same might be going on and looked out for my wife better. We had also both underestimated how nervous she would be….. oddly, if that had happened on our first trip to a club it would have probably been better – it’s just built up over the years of not happening like standing too long on the diving board when you should just jump.

We are not put off going to clubs – and, now her first time is out of the way (even if not done great) we/she are much more relaxed about it happening again and maintaining some ROCK SOLID rules that NEVER get broken!

So my question is…to put her mind at rest….or not! How unusual is it that a guy will just try (not just a guy, his partner would have happily done the same with me) to not use a condom? Was my wife unlucky to meet someone like that the first time or is that a fairly routine occurrence? And have we handled it the right way? Regarding it as a problem for us to deal with as a pair…..no guilt. Just calmly discussing how to prevent it happening again.

As you can imagine. My wife feels terrible (no matter what I say) because her experience was massive apprehension, dazed bewilderment, relief it was out the way, horror at the realisation of what she’d done and then guilt at having broken our only rule.

I’ve told her it’s more his fault for doing it and mine for not having her back. Just curious on others thoughts.

And yes, she’s going to get tested. "

Safe sex can mean different things to different people and a lot have safe vaginal sex but okay with bare oral sex

So having a chat with people about rules before you get touchy feely is always a good way to make sure you don’t break your rules you have between you xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So with that issue in question, as in the man the wife went to the park pool and go. I've got action for the first time I wouldn't say but the guy was to blame as such as everybody's there for sex and it was a discussion made between you and your wife as opposed to you a gentleman and your wife.

I wouldn't say you wife was to blame I have been in the situation on my first event when I bought a 12 pack of condoms and didn't end up using a single one. Although I did have sex with more than one person, a lady literally sat on the lap and we were having sex and I am someone who does love bareback. Bareback however, in the situation where everybody is being promiscuous, I do see to always use protection for my own as well as the safety of others. So I do see the point being made. However, if I was to blame somebody it would be the wife has discussions had been made between her and her husband and it was a boundary which although unintentionally was crossed by the wife.

I don't know if my opinion would be greatly received or not, but that's the way I see it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

few points, in your description you were in pool they then joined. Did she not look him over. Also she shagged him. Finally you must of known if you looked upon them closely. All of you to blame so no blame needed. Lesson learnt. Now get out there and have some fun and stay on dry land

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By *iggstimpy OP   Couple
over a year ago

South East

[Removed by poster at 28/02/22 18:42:46]

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By *inksAPlentyCouple
over a year ago

Bedfordshire


"

So my question is…to put her mind at rest….or not! How unusual is it that a guy will just try (not just a guy, his partner would have happily done the same with me) to not use a condom? Was my wife unlucky to meet someone like that the first time or is that a fairly routine occurrence? And have we handled it the right way? Regarding it as a problem for us to deal with as a pair…..no guilt. Just calmly discussing how to prevent it happening again.

"

My experience has been the majority of guys will go ahead and try to play bare. Me or Mr generally have to say something about condoms being used. If they aren't prepared to use them then there's plenty of other things we can do. Or we can just stop.

Your wife might find it helpful to practise what she will say in future - a standard go to statement can be useful.

Ms x

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By *ringles0510Woman
over a year ago

Central Borders

Takes 2 to tango. Since she was on top I'm not sure how you can pin this on him. Sounds to me like a spur of the moment mistake for both him and your other half.

Sex in the hot tub at a club is a definite no btw. It's rank, tub will be out of commission for everyone else and a massive job for the club to sort it.

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By *picyrodMan
over a year ago

Leicestershire

I met a bird years ago not on fab giving her doggy style with a condom on she loved it turned round took the condom of wanted bare back so I filled her up talk about explosions omg

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bareback seems to be more prevalent at the moment - God knows why.

You see it in people's profiles even - only people who do BB wanted..

Haven't these people ever heard of HIV or just simple STIs?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yep

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Too be honest we have been to a few different clubs and no one has ever tried to play with us bareback.

Not really sure how common or uncommon that is but it's our experience.

Bareback is very high on our no no list so it wouldn't happen anyway.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just curious, in the uk clubs do you bring your own condoms? My club in paris had jars of them in aech room so there was never a shortage. How would people carry a pack inside a club or spa where you are unclothed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just curious, in the uk clubs do you bring your own condoms? My club in paris had jars of them in aech room so there was never a shortage. How would people carry a pack inside a club or spa where you are unclothed "

Most clubs provide them but we always take our own.

Most people pop them under your key wrist band that you get with your locker.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Just after others opinions really. Has this situation occur……

Wife and I have been to about 10 club nights at various places over last 3/4 years. Had a few occasions where we’ve ended in a FMF threesome and obviously I’ve used protection. Our only real “rule” was always safe sex. My wife has simply never found a guy she liked so she has never even played with a man and it’s sort of become a bigger deal that she hasn’t than it needed to be. She wasn’t desperate! Just one of those things that wasn’t happening and so we always had this “will it be tonight” feeling.

Anyway, the other night…we are in a hot tub playing together. Another couple join and soon start interacting with us. We swap over and now is the first time my wife is with another guy. She went into it really nervous. Wrong word…..just…..a bit overwhelmed maybe. But willing and I’m right next to her. After 5/10 mins play the other couple leave us and we chat. It turns out, he’d had sex with her without protection. I’d seen her moving on him but assumed it was soft play. I was a bit staggered! And we ended up leaving soon after. No anger or anything…. Just had to sort it in our heads somewhere more appropriate.

So after discussion…. This is what happened - she was with him and just had a “oh my god this is happening….. calm down ….. it’s not a big deal, just relax……oh god he’s going to fuck me…..just let it happen….. get the first time over with”. She couldn’t have picked the guy out of a lineup 20 seconds afterwards. She just went through it in a daze….. it wasn’t a negative experience for her, but certainly not a positive – she was just lost in scared/excited/overwhelmed thoughts. She also assumed I was doing the same….. I wasn’t, I stopped the girl when she tried and we just soft played. With a level head, she’d have thought “wtf, why is he not using something….. but again, her head was too busy”. Not that it’s an excuse but my wife’s history (before me) is lots of typical university life sex where protection wasn’t routine (nuts, but in the past) so she doesn’t have a “condoms are a must” mindset engraved on her brain. She knows it’s our rule….just not something she has lots of experience implementing.

So we are where we are. As a couple we are fine. I regarded it as much my fault as hers. When the girl tried with me I should have assumed that the same might be going on and looked out for my wife better. We had also both underestimated how nervous she would be….. oddly, if that had happened on our first trip to a club it would have probably been better – it’s just built up over the years of not happening like standing too long on the diving board when you should just jump.

We are not put off going to clubs – and, now her first time is out of the way (even if not done great) we/she are much more relaxed about it happening again and maintaining some ROCK SOLID rules that NEVER get broken!

So my question is…to put her mind at rest….or not! How unusual is it that a guy will just try (not just a guy, his partner would have happily done the same with me) to not use a condom? Was my wife unlucky to meet someone like that the first time or is that a fairly routine occurrence? And have we handled it the right way? Regarding it as a problem for us to deal with as a pair…..no guilt. Just calmly discussing how to prevent it happening again.

As you can imagine. My wife feels terrible (no matter what I say) because her experience was massive apprehension, dazed bewilderment, relief it was out the way, horror at the realisation of what she’d done and then guilt at having broken our only rule.

I’ve told her it’s more his fault for doing it and mine for not having her back. Just curious on others thoughts.

And yes, she’s going to get tested. "

If it makes your wife feel any better it's not unusual at all. I've had multiple guys either try and dive in without or try and convince me to go without after I said I don't to BB

Unfortunately alot of men are like this.

I've had meets on here where guys had pretended to put a condom on and then at some point during the sex I've realised that don't have one on.

I've also been in the situation where even thought I haven't been *forced* into doing BB I've felt a bit unsafe saying anything so have just gone along with it with the mind set of "just let him get on it with cause it will be over soon"

So hugs to your wife, she is definitely not alone and it was definitely not her fault!

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