FabSwingers.com forum: When is it cheating.

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not open or poly, but my eldest is. Anything hidden/behind their back, is cheating. Honesty is the only way in open/poly.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If you’re doing something that your partner isn’t aware of then that’s cheating. It’s all about consent and honesty. And respecting when someone won’t be happy with something and leaving well alone.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oobyHotwifeWoman
over a year ago

Thurrock

It would depend on what you'd previously agreed if it was that you have to be open about meets or who your chatting to & someone is doing that behind the others back I'd consider that cheating

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It would depend on what you'd previously agreed if it was that you have to be open about meets or who your chatting to & someone is doing that behind the others back I'd consider that cheating

This. It is totally different in every relationship, it depends where you have set the boundaries. And perhaps when your partner is feeling excluded or when things are being done in secret if that isn't what has been agreed.

Communication and openness is key between partners in poly situation.

It takes a lot of emotional maturity in my experience.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *areToShareCouple
over a year ago

Bingham

"If you’re doing something that your partner isn’t aware of then that’s cheating. It’s all about consent and honesty. And respecting when someone won’t be happy with something and leaving well alone. "

Exactly this

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Anything done without their partners knowledge /consent

I'm half a couple and if I caught my other half meeting without me knowing etc, then that's cheating and the trust would be gone.

No need when you're in this lifestyle.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Will it hurt them if they find out? Why aren't you telling them? What did you agree on?

If the answer to the first is yes, the second is because bit would hurt them and the third is honesty. It's cheating

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Total recipe for disaster if you are not open and honest with each other.

When we made the decision to enter this lifestyle as a couple we discussed what we both wanted from it and boundaries were agreed on.

Over time our views have changed on certain things but we talk everything through and so far that openness has served us well.

If either one of us crossed a boundary then we’d consider it as deception.

Why screw up when you’ve got the opportunity to share so much together?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

When you know your partner won't like like it but you do for your own needs.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Basically all above. My ex and I even had a couples account on here. She was free but never played without me. Found out she was and ended it. People do what they think is right and the bottom line is some do not care about other people's feelings until they are caught out. The biggest pain was my kids and me leaving them and the guilt for not being there for them. They are young adults now and understand why.

They say the grass is never greener on the other side. It is for me.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *erfectman122Man
over a year ago

from somewhere nice

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Summed up perfectly

to us if you know it would upset your partner then it’s wrong.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

Thanks everyone. All replies seem to be exactly on my way of thinking. If we have previously agreed to be honest about who we are chatting to and who/when we meet someone else. Then not doing that is definitely breaking the trust and agreement.

Now, to try broach the subject with my partner that she has broken my trust and also my heart.

Thanks all

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Anything not understood by partners to be accepted and agreed is cheating. It clearly is, where there's existing agreement not to engage with doing something that is then done. If you'd know that partners would be upset by your actions, then it's also gravely offensive and justification to question someone's moral standing and commitment to you.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Thanks everyone. All replies seem to be exactly on my way of thinking. If we have previously agreed to be honest about who we are chatting to and who/when we meet someone else. Then not doing that is definitely breaking the trust and agreement.

Now, to try broach the subject with my partner that she has broken my trust and also my heart.

Thanks all"

Sorry to read this OP, hope you can sort things out and sorry you feel like this x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *issmorganWoman
over a year ago

Calderdale innit

Now, to try broach the subject with my partner that she has broken my trust and also my heart.

Thanks all"

Good luck with it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

Sorry to read this OP, hope you can sort things out and sorry you feel like this x"

Yeah that was a bit dramatic wasn't it. Both of us, in the past had done things we should not have done. Which is why we talked, discussed and decided on the best way forward for us. It's just a kick in the guts to find this out really.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

If it's open it wouldn't be cheating and if it's clearly been discussed between the two anything else is cheating

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

When neither of us have talked to the other first.

We have an open marriage, both play separately and have been enjoying the lifestyle for 23 years.

Everything is based on on open communication and honesty and our rules are pretty simple.

1) Consult the other before anything happens.

2) The other can veto anything if they're not happy about it.

In all our time doing this, we've had zero issues due to following these 2 rules. Weve been together 25 years and built a life together. Swinging is ultimetly an extra spice to our marriage, nothing more. If we stopped tomorrow, we would be happy.

Works for us and will continue to work for us as our relationship is rock solid..but we do appreciate we are not exactly the norm when it comes to swinging.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

"When neither of us have talked to the other first.

We have an open marriage, both play separately and have been enjoying the lifestyle for 23 years.

Everything is based on on open communication and honesty and our rules are pretty simple.

1) Consult the other before anything happens.

2) The other can veto anything if they're not happy about it.

Works for us and will continue to work for us as our relationship is rock solid..but we do appreciate we are not exactly the norm when it comes to swinging. "

Now this is the agreement I thought we had both settled on. It is the most honest way in my eyes and also still keeps your partner as your main as it were in the whole situation.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I play alone with permission. I'd never directly lie to my husband about anything if asked, that would be cheating.

But I talk to and have sex with anyone I want and he doesn't know everything. I'd don't really consider it to be behind his back due to having an open pass. But some details of my extramarital sex stay with me xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ickyquimCouple
over a year ago

north west

"It would depend on what you'd previously agreed if it was that you have to be open about meets or who your chatting to & someone is doing that behind the others back I'd consider that cheating

Communication and openness is key between partners in poly situation.

It takes a lot of emotional maturity in my experience."

I like that phrase ’emotional maturity’

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ob P44Man
over a year ago

Bridgewater

It's all about honesty for me. My ex played and it never bothered me at all as I knew all about it and reaped the benefits when she came home.

But, the one occasion she didn't tell me as I really didn't like the bloke, that trust was destroyed.

Turned out I was right about him too!

Just be honest and if one partner says please don't with X please respect that

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

It’s entirely up to the individuals , you may decide not to talk about other meets, request permission before fucking , or be fully open and enjoy telling each other or just that it’s none of their business, and it can be different for different lovers/relationships . It’s cheating when you do it in a way you’ve not agreed because you know they would be upset , and that could be chatting, meeting or sex

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *mmixtapeCouple
over a year ago

middle earth

Anything that goes against the confines of your relationship is cheating, it doesn't matter if you're poly or monogamous.

Poly relationships rely on good communication for them to work properly, you set your own boundaries about what works for you. If your partner goes against what you guys agreed, then that's cheating.

I'd go as far to say if you're in a monogamous relationship and your partner isn't comfortable with you watching porn, and you've agreed to not do it, if you then watch it deliberately that would also be cheating.

It's case to case, there's no one line that fits everyone because everyone has different levels of comfortability. Cheating is fundamentally just a betrayal of trust related to sex and relationships, but I feel like often people don't think about it as cheating until after there's been some kind of physical intimacy involved

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onderWomanWlvWoman
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Glad to see some people saying "depends what you agreed on" rather than the potentially more worrying "anything your partner doesn't know about".

I'm solo poly, so while I have two partners that other people would probably term as "boyfriends", I don't need nor do I seek permission or agreement from any of them before doing what or who I want.

Our boundaries are mostly around sexual safety: if one of us does something that goes against agreed safety measures (eg a condom breaks, or unprotected penetration), tell the others before we have sex so an informed decision can be made. Other than that, do what we want and it may or may not be discussed with the others.

Sometimes I do things with other people, and those people don't consent to the details of their sex life being shared. So in that circumstance I absolutely would adhere to that and not tell my partner/s the information. My partners understand that and respect other people's autonomy and consent.

But if you consider yourself to be in a primary relationship, perhaps that's different. I'm not, I don't do hierarchy in that way. But have you considered, OP, that you might think your gf is your primary partner but she doesn't see the relationship the same way? Just a thought. Have you even had that conversation?

It's a possibility it could all be as a result of miscommunication rather than necessarily malicious behaviour on her part.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ungBlackTopMan
over a year ago

salford

Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *loss aka Miss JonesWoman
over a year ago

south coast IOW

"Anything done without their partners knowledge /consent

I'm half a couple and if I caught my other half meeting without me knowing etc, then that's cheating and the trust would be gone.

No need when you're in this lifestyle. "

This was the case for me with my ex husband. As a couple we played regularly and had ffm more than once but he cheated in as much as he met women without telling me, met females not on fab etc. It was the deceit and lies that ended our marriage and I agree in this lifestyle he could have sex with others regularly but for him it was the sneaking around that was the thrill I think. We both moved on many years ago and he’s getting married again next year. I hope he’s learned from the past and can make it work this time and I hope Op you can talk and work out what’s best for you both. You need rules you both stick to however broad they are so your always still on the same page. Good luck xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lasphemousGirlWoman
over a year ago

Cambs

To me cheating is anything your long term partner doesn't know about or consent too.

For us it's about communication and adding some fun to our lives not drama or heartbreak. We have our own boundaries for our relationship and stick to them, we also adjust them depending on where we are at the time mentally. If either of us is uncomfortable we discuss it. Xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

Cheating is about deception.

If they have agreed with each other that they can meet whoever without the other knowing then there is no deception.

In business you sign contracts which contain terms and conditions which agree how those business relationships will work.

In some contracts you will have exclusive dealings in others you are free to sign up other partners.

If you break the terms and conditions then there are penalties as it is seen to be unfair.

Why relationships should be deemed to be any less valuable just because they are unwritten agreements (or written in the case of marriage) is beyond me.

Especially when sexual relationships can also bring health risks.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

"Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ?? "

This is so wrong I don't know where to start.

So I thought I would not try and just use the dictionary.

To act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage.

Having sex outside of your spouce is not dishonest or unfair if that it what has been agreed.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

You know if you're cheating or not.

Each situation is different depending on what's been agreed or not.

Bottom line is if they found out, would they be happy?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

In our case it would be doing something without the others knowledge, weather that be meeting or messaging, anything that's hidden would be classed as deceitful in my eyes.

Mrs

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *luttyLaylaWoman
over a year ago

North West

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

Depends what’s previously agreed.

If it’s agreed you don’t have to tell each other and your both happy with that then no, not cheating. All sorts of different dynamics on here and as long as it works for all parties it’s good!

For me, it’s anything that your partner isn’t aware off (unless as above), is hidden or done behind their back. Including even having a profile on here without their knowledge.

No time or it and no reason for it at all

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

"You know if you're cheating or not.

Each situation is different depending on what's been agreed or not.

Bottom line is if they found out, would they be happy?"

The bottom line is I have found and not really happy. Just looking for opinions on if I am overthinking things really.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onderWomanWlvWoman
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

The bottom line is I have found and not really happy. Just looking for opinions on if I am overthinking things really. "

Sure...but the rest of us aren't privy to the agreement you and your partner made. Has she directly broken an agreement, or did you not discuss this scenario and you're just not happy with it? Has she lied to you, or has she done something she thought was agreed but you didn't? Etc...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

"Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ?? "

Oh..one of those types....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

Open for 18 years, poly for 12. Cheating is when an agreement is breached.

If I were to go have unprotected sex with someone other than my two life partners, that would breach agreements and boundaries. Though we're all free to have sex with whoever we like whenever we like, at least in non plague times.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

"Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ?? "

Errr no... It's not the definition of cheating. Cheating is breaching established "rules". If two people have an agreement that they can enjoy sexual contact with others, it's not cheating.

For some people, looking at porn is cheating. For others, a 9 man gangbang at a truck stop is not cheating.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *awksordMan
over a year ago

Wirral.

Am still not telling my Mrs what she may get at Christmas.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Once a lie is involved, then it's cheating

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hor ThumbMan
over a year ago

bristol

That’s down to the understanding within a dynamic. Each dynamic is unique, so it’s impossible to answer for everyone who identifies as poly. Best guess would be openness and honesty, though some may say ones carnal exploration does not need to be discussed with anyone, prior or after, as it’s their body, their choice, their life. I guess something can only really be called cheating if someone deliberately sets out to deceive.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ewcouple11169Couple
over a year ago

Glasgow

"I play alone with permission. I'd never directly lie to my husband about anything if asked, that would be cheating.

What sort of things do you not tell him & why?

Trying to see what dynamic works for us so a curious. x

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

"I play alone with permission. I'd never directly lie to my husband about anything if asked, that would be cheating.

What sort of things do you not tell him & why?

Trying to see what dynamic works for us so a curious. x"

Cant speak for anyone else but I tell my wife everything. If she wants any details, I give them to her, before or after. That's part of her thing. She likes to be told. Loves hearing about it all.

In the case of my wife though, she dosent like to say much about her private meets (other than who and when). She only meets women on her own anyway and to be honest, I get a kick not knowing anyway.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d say once it’s behind their back it’s cheating, what I see from being in a poly relationship is thay open honesty about sexual partners, once that open/honest part of that is broken when it’s done behind your back… for me personally I’d consider it cheating

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onderWomanWlvWoman
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Question for those of you saying you tell your partner "everything". Do you explicitly ask the people you're having sex with if they consent to this? Are people receptive to this? It surprises me because if someone said to me they were required to tell their partner all the details of everything we did, I'd say no thanks not for me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

The bottom line is I have found and not really happy. Just looking for opinions on if I am overthinking things really.

"When neither of us have talked to the other first.

We have an open marriage, both play separately and have been enjoying the lifestyle for 23 years.

Everything is based on on open communication and honesty and our rules are pretty simple.

1) Consult the other before anything happens.

2) The other can veto anything if they're not happy about it.

Works for us and will continue to work for us as our relationship is rock solid..but we do appreciate we are not exactly the norm when it comes to swinging.

Now this is the agreement I thought we had both settled on. It is the most honest way in my eyes and also still keeps your partner as your main as it were in the whole situation. "

As you can see I did mention the agreement we had in place before. ??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

I dunno. Maybe I am reading too much into the whole situation. The more I think about what's going on, the more comfortable I am. Lol. Gotta love an over active brain ??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

"I dunno. Maybe I am reading too much into the whole situation. The more I think about what's going on, the more comfortable I am. Lol. Gotta love an over active brain ??"

If whatever has happened has caused you to feel so uneasy that you’ve asked for opinion here, then it’s a sign that at the very least you need to sure up your boundaries with your partner. Hope you’re ok OP, these kinds of relationships can be tricky if you’re not all exactly on the same page. Lots of scope to get hurt.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *viatrixWoman
over a year ago

Redhill

I’ve had established, long-term couples who I’ve met once... the male half contacting me weeks later asking to meet alone. Without her knowing. I’ve said no as I know the lady by then and it is a conflict of interests and don’t want any aggro.

But it’s even happened with couples who are sanctimonious on forums who say death to the cheaters... lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *otlovefun42Couple
over a year ago

Costa Blanca Spain...

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

When we are in a swinger club we both have free licence to do whatever we want with whoever we want. However honesty is the key.

If, for example, Mrs disappears somewhere in the club (which she does quite often) then comes back and tells me she has been in a room fucking someone, that would not be cheating.

If however, she tells me that she has been outside for a ciggie but has really been fucking someone then that would be cheating.

Away from a club the same rules would apply.

If she's been out and comes home to tell me "I bumped into so and so and we went back to his place for a fuck" that would be fine. If she goes back to his for a fuck but doesn't tell me, that would be cheating.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *apxxxWoman
over a year ago

North Shropshire not Wales!!!ffs & Manchester

...basic rule...

If the other person doesn't know about it/ you've kept it from them/not discussed it beforehand ....its cheating.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

"Question for those of you saying you tell your partner "everything". Do you explicitly ask the people you're having sex with if they consent to this? Are people receptive to this? It surprises me because if someone said to me they were required to tell their partner all the details of everything we did, I'd say no thanks not for me

Everyone I'm involved with is good at communicating. So we have talked about how much they want to know about what I do with various people, and all those people have talked about how much they're happy for everyone else to know. Everything is done by consent.

I'd never keep things secret from the people I love, but as an example my nesting wife doesn't much like to take details of what I do in bed with my non-nesting wife. Though she will occasionally ask. In the beforetimes, I'd see some Domme friends for kink sessions and it was pretty obvious what we'd done due to the marks on my body.

If I unexpectedly have sexy fun with someone I don't regularly see (as opposed to arranging it in advance), the agreement is that I'll tell my people as soon as practicable. We all have that agreement.

Nesting wife and her other partner are off to a club tonight and she'll probably tell me tomorrow if she's had sex with others.

It's cheating if lies and deceit are involved. If agreements are broken.

We're very open, whereas others might have more boundaries. As I said yesterday... For some couples, watching a porno is cheating. For others, being filmed having a 9 way gangbang is not cheating... because it's within established agreements.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

It's also important to discuss enough that partners can assess health risks. Eg I've mentioned my nesting wife doesn't like to know the "juicy details" but due absolutely knows and consents to me having unprotected sex with non-nesting wife. Therefore she also takes an interest in the sexual activities of non-nesting wife, so as to assess the risk. If we all go to a club and play separately we touch base on what people did, if there were any accidents with bodily fluids.

Most of the time the people I play with (sex or kink) are part of a wider "polycule" so we all know each other and are close friends/connections. But as another poster said, I might unexpectedly have sexy fun with someone I don't usually have sex with, or meet someone at the pub and go to hers for some fun. That's perfectly ok as long as I let my partners know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

"It's also important to discuss enough that partners can assess health risks. Eg I've mentioned my nesting wife doesn't like to know the "juicy details" but due absolutely knows and consents to me having unprotected sex with non-nesting wife. Therefore she also takes an interest in the sexual activities of non-nesting wife, so as to assess the risk. If we all go to a club and play separately we touch base on what people did, if there were any accidents with bodily fluids.

I think this is the right way to do things. The acceptance that your nesting wife is affected by the actions of your non nesting wife and so has a right to understand what she gets up to sexually is key. So many people on here seem to think that anything beyond the current physical encounter is private or ‘non of your business’, when of course it is if there is any element of bare play.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *onderWomanWlvWoman
over a year ago

Wolverhampton

Now this is the agreement I thought we had both settled on. It is the most honest way in my eyes and also still keeps your partner as your main as it were in the whole situation.

As you can see I did mention the agreement we had in place before. ??"

Hmm no, you said you "thought" you had both settled on this agreement. That sounds like there is some ambiguity, which is why I queried it.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *bsinthe_boyMan
over a year ago

Luton

As a practical example, a few years ago non-nesting wife was having sex with another of her partners when a condom came off inside her.

I was told within an hour, as I was seeing her either that evening or the following day ... So I could make an informed choice about whether we had sex, used protection, etc. We also told my nesting wife.

We're interconnected via spouses, partners, FWB, and various connections. Communication is vital.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

[Removed by poster at 24/09/21 14:19:38]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *kilfulfingers OP Man
over a year ago

ipswich

Now this is the agreement I thought we had both settled on. It is the most honest way in my eyes and also still keeps your partner as your main as it were in the whole situation.

As you can see I did mention the agreement we had in place before. ??

Hmm no, you said you "thought" you had both settled on this agreement. That sounds like there is some ambiguity, which is why I queried it.

As in what we had agreed and what I believed was in place

. Had to delete the other one as silly phone emoji didn't work lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ose and her beastCouple
over a year ago

Watford

If the other partner doesn't know about it

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *lwaysup4it69Couple
over a year ago

Kirkby in Ashfield

"Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ?? "

How is it cheating if your partner knows about it though. I think swinging is something you do not understand

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm not open or poly, but my eldest is. Anything hidden/behind their back, is cheating. Honesty is the only way in open/poly. "
this

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ollydoesWoman
over a year ago

Shangri-La

When is it cheating? When your on a diet, you never tell anyone you cheat, you have your cake and eat it.

If you even have to question your actions.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington

"Cheating is the exact moment you engage in any sexual contact with someone who isn't your spouse. Dress it up as much as you like to feel justified but that's the definition end of. Enjoy ??

How is it cheating if your partner knows about it though. I think swinging is something you do not understand "

Honestly...I wouldnt waste your breath. We are on a swinging site and hes posting that.....

Says everything you need to know.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

it's only cheating when there are fixed rules that have been agreed and someone breaks them

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *andC1000Couple
over a year ago

Ashford

Cheating the minute the lies start and things are done behind the other partners back without telling them. Trust and honesty needs to be there if an open relationship to work

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uddy laneMan
over a year ago

dudley

Cheating is cheating in any relationship, but in a swinging relationship that is just taking the piss and looks one sided or the start of something new.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *hor ThumbMan
over a year ago

bristol

"Open for 18 years, poly for 12. Cheating is when an agreement is breached.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ampire69Man
over a year ago

Birmingham West Midlands

Cheating is when you feel guilty after the event, knowing that you have done something for which you now regret, thats cheating because you know you have stepped over the line

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"So, a question for the open play/ poly couples out there. When does playing with other people be one cheating on your partner?

Do you have rules/boundaries with each other which include being open and honest etc.

Would you count meeting someone behind your partner's back (they have no knowledge etc) a part of open play or would you call it cheating?"

Doing it behind their back is defo cheating in my opinion. The reason many open relationships works is because of honesty & communication...

Sneaking behind someones back has finished many relationships

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *eelitMan
over a year ago

Peterborough

I totally agree with you we started as couple all good then soon she got confident she had her own single female profile when confronted her she said she was checking on me if I was as single guy, asked her to delete it she said she forgot the logging details till I come across other profile on different dating site so we are done she walked out after 15 years of being together

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *egasus NobMan
over a year ago

Merton

"I play alone with permission. I'd never directly lie to my husband about anything if asked, that would be cheating.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *izzy.miss.lizzyCouple
over a year ago

Pembrokeshire

For us, keeping secrets, lying, deception, they are cheating.

Meeting others together isn't.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

"I totally agree with you we started as couple all good then soon she got confident she had her own single female profile when confronted her she said she was checking on me if I was as single guy, asked her to delete it she said she forgot the logging details till I come across other profile on different dating site so we are done she walked out after 15 years of being together "

I'm glad it worked out for the best

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 28/09/21 13:13:28]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It becones cheating when you stop communicating with your partner and/or lie to them. A typical example would be one of you fucking other people without your partners knowledge when you both agreed to only swing together.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *uckandbunnyCouple
over a year ago

In your bed

Its a fair question but it's not really a topic of conversation.

The last time bunny went out alone she met a threesome. When she explained that she was married but playing with consent they were cool with that and she said I would know more later.

But for most meets what you do with you own personal experience never comes up for discussion.

If you take it out of a sexual experience and just went with a night out at a bar.

If someone asked you how was your night would you give the information you wanted to or would you say that you would need to check with all in attendance before divulging any information.

I tell my kids stuff about my life and I've never checked with other parties involved in those stories as to whether I could or could not. It's my life and I can divulge as much or as little information as I choose so long as I am not slandering anyone.

The process and established tradition of marriage by definition means that the expectation is that you share your lives.

So I think it is safe to say if you meet married people they are very likely to share stories to differing levels of detail.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aige675Woman
over a year ago

North of London

If you have consent but see that as a green light to do what you want (unless that's the way you play) probably cheating. If it's something you can't discuss with your partner, probably cheating. If it's something you think you wouldn't get consent for or fear you'll get told off but do it anyway. That's probably cheating. If you feel guilt..... so on and so forth. Basically if you feel you or your partner needs to cheat to fill a need then you probably might consider a different conversation so pain is minimised on both sides. Be honest and if you need to let each other go then may be that's best for both. Don't cheat. It never ends well. Honesty, although painful at times is always best. Respect your partner enough to let them make the choice to stay or go.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *aunchy RaccoonsCouple
over a year ago

Exeter

I guess it's when someone does something behind their partners back.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

100% agree with you

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread