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Potential to lose the one you love

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Visit a prostitute

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Talk to her

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Talk to her "

^this.

I presume she has no idea you're on here.

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend

This isn't an easy one to answer, have you ever spoken with her about the way you feel and about your needs? I don't think the suggestion of visiting a prostitute is a very sensible idea as if it is discovered that you have that is likely to ruin what you do have with your wife. I think you need to try and discuss how you feel, it's obvious that you love her or you wouldn't even be asking for the advise in the first place. Communication is going to be key I think but it will depend on her understanding of your needs and her willingness to support them.

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By *rufinWoman
over a year ago

notts

was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you talk to her about it before you made this profile ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far. "

Communication is key OP before you start to play or seek out other people. Talk and understand why is feel asexual. Make the conversation about her as from your post she means a lot to you. When she has been allowed to explain why she feels this way it would be a good time to discuss your feelings on the subject. Again don’t talk about meeting someone else as this will only feel to her that the conversations have an end point, to get what you want rather than trying to understand her situation further.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

Couples counselling might help. A third party can often help communication between people by being a neutral observer and intermediary.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 13/06/21 10:38:20]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Visit a prostitute"

This will not help with my post but thanks anyway

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"This isn't an easy one to answer, have you ever spoken with her about the way you feel and about your needs? I don't think the suggestion of visiting a prostitute is a very sensible idea as if it is discovered that you have that is likely to ruin what you do have with your wife. I think you need to try and discuss how you feel, it's obvious that you love her or you wouldn't even be asking for the advise in the first place. Communication is going to be key I think but it will depend on her understanding of your needs and her willingness to support them."

Thank you. I've told her it's hard with the way I feel but I struggle to be completely honest with how hard as she feels it's her fault I feel this way. I do love her more than anything but I don't want to end up in 30 years full of regret or spite towards her. It's not her fault

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it? "

We started out relationship very sexual but closer to marriage it was slowly dwindling. We thought it was something to do with her body/hormones etc so we had tests and tried lots of things. In the last 3-4 years she discovered asexuality from a friend and realised that what she was thinking/feeling was a lot towards that and since accepting that has been a lot more happy.

I would like sex/to be able to speak sexually with someone. Whether it be just a one time thing or preferably make friends with people I do it with. I can't even make sexual comments to her or call her sexy as she then worries I'm going to try something on. It sounds a lot worse than it is but I purely want to feel sexually wanted or to sexually please someone. Everything else I have in my relationship with my wife

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull


"Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far. "

Talk to her openly and honestly and see what she says.

Maybe try counselling to see if you can make it work.

Come off fab until it's sorted as it's a big betrayal of trust

Understand why you want to have your cake and eat it but it's not fair on her.

Only you know if sex with strangers is worth the break up of your marriage, financial mess and not holding your kids daily.

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By *aughtywifeandhimCouple
over a year ago

luton

Just be honest and talk to her .re assure her that you love her , tell her you don’t want to jump to it straight away but think you may want to in the future, I did so with wife ,she was a bit hesitant to start so we started very slowly with her flirting, it built her confidence up ,we then had a soft swap meet with a couple .then a threesome with another guy ,we have been swinging 10 years now and never looked back she discovered her bi side. And I discovered I enjoy watching her play more than playing myself when at the club . Not bad going for two people that use to be extremely jealous,really has enhanced our marriage and sex life

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By *ugby 123Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

O o O oo


"Visit a prostitute"

He is asking how does he tell his G/F. Will the prostitute tell her?

If you don't have any constructive advice maybe find other threads to post on

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By *udistcpl1Couple
over a year ago

Wirral

I think most of the comments referring to you talking to her is the key but here is the brutal part that many people might not like but it is at least a valid starting point;

So she decides to become asexual. How did she really think that was going to affect you? I ask because it sounds like she is being exceptionally selfish and hasn't even started to consider the consequences. You might not have considered the consequences either when she first decided to live without sex but in one way or another - this is heading to the solicitors unless it is addressed.

So I agree with others, you need to talk, carefully but remember that you also deserve to be considered. This is not all about her. Marriage is definitely a team sport - not about an individual.

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By *ogerroger69Man
over a year ago

West Yorks

It might not be a decision

Decide if you can keep secrets or not

Guilt free paid sex is an option or guilt free meets here?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I think most of the comments referring to you talking to her is the key but here is the brutal part that many people might not like but it is at least a valid starting point;

So she decides to become asexual. How did she really think that was going to affect you? I ask because it sounds like she is being exceptionally selfish and hasn't even started to consider the consequences. You might not have considered the consequences either when she first decided to live without sex but in one way or another - this is heading to the solicitors unless it is addressed.

So I agree with others, you need to talk, carefully but remember that you also deserve to be considered. This is not all about her. Marriage is definitely a team sport - not about an individual."

It is indeed a team sport in which both parties deserve equal consideration. However it's frequently the person who still feels sexual who is given the least consideration. The long term consequences of no intimate contact eg hugs, hand holding etc are devastating to a relationship. Counselling us the way forward in my opinion.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yeh he loves his wife but he wants sex and shes not interested, so hes come to this site to find it, he'll have feelings of guilt but wont stop him, otherwise he wouldnt be here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I would say you need to talk frankly with her and tell her how you are feeling. You can’t expect a relationship to work if one half is unhappy. Maybe counselling will help? Could it be hormones. Some women can start the menopause early and low sex drive is one of the symptoms.

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend


"Yeh he loves his wife but he wants sex and shes not interested, so hes come to this site to find it, he'll have feelings of guilt but wont stop him, otherwise he wouldnt be here"

Have you considered that he may have come to this site seeking advice from open minded people that may be able to offer different viewpoints from different relationship dynamics, not everyone that comes to thus site is looking to cheat on a partner or even looking to meet for sex, some are just looking for discussion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes some are but not the majority

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By *angbangFantasyWoman
over a year ago

London


"Yeh he loves his wife but he wants sex and shes not interested, so hes come to this site to find it, he'll have feelings of guilt but wont stop him, otherwise he wouldnt be here

Have you considered that he may have come to this site seeking advice from open minded people that may be able to offer different viewpoints from different relationship dynamics, not everyone that comes to thus site is looking to cheat on a partner or even looking to meet for sex, some are just looking for discussion"

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By *ootprints1629Couple
over a year ago

somewhere in moray


"Visit a prostitute"

Wow!

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By *he-Hosiery-GentMan
over a year ago

Older Hot Bearded Guy


"Visit a prostitute"

That’s negotiated desire and thus transactional sex.

He wants genuine desire which is validated sex.

There’s a night & day difference in sex with a woman who genuinely desires you and gives you her best, than sex gained from ‘chore-play’ or negotiation.

Woman make rules for betas & break rules for alphas.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’d talk to her and discuss your feelings, I’ve had many guys land in my inbox who are married and telling me their wives aren’t giving them what they want so they are secretly on this site looking for what they do want whilst still saying “they love their wife”.

Communication is everything, having a secret account on a swingers site is not the answer because you don’t want her finding out somehow about your profile to be the catalyst for that conversation.

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

I don't think speaking to her is going to help unless you do it through counselling. I would choose a female counsellor so she doesn't feel it is men against women. Good luck. Mrs H

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside


"was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it?

We started out relationship very sexual but closer to marriage it was slowly dwindling. We thought it was something to do with her body/hormones etc so we had tests and tried lots of things. In the last 3-4 years she discovered asexuality from a friend and realised that what she was thinking/feeling was a lot towards that and since accepting that has been a lot more happy.

I would like sex/to be able to speak sexually with someone. Whether it be just a one time thing or preferably make friends with people I do it with. I can't even make sexual comments to her or call her sexy as she then worries I'm going to try something on. It sounds a lot worse than it is but I purely want to feel sexually wanted or to sexually please someone. Everything else I have in my relationship with my wife"

could be the perimenopause x nothing wrong with you wanting your needs to be met. i wouldnt have stayed in any relationship if my sexual needs werent met..thats the truth. if however my partner was thinking all this, with no expression of feelings and was too fearful to speak to me, that would be a huge concern to me. speak out of love not fear.. but speak you should... without trust in being able to work things out, there is no two way relationship and for me that would be unacceptable...good luck..this is your life..dont have any regrets x

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By *uzy444Woman
over a year ago

in the suffolk countryside


"The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

I don't think speaking to her is going to help unless you do it through counselling. I would choose a female counsellor so she doesn't feel it is men against women. Good luck. Mrs H "

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

"

That's often the way on here.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

I don't think speaking to her is going to help unless you do it through counselling. I would choose a female counsellor so she doesn't feel it is men against women. Good luck. Mrs H "

What about women against men?

I think if they decide non counselling they should choose the best one for the problems at hand regardless of gender.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex

* on counselling

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By *irldnCouple
over a year ago

Brighton


"I think most of the comments referring to you talking to her is the key but here is the brutal part that many people might not like but it is at least a valid starting point;

So she decides to become asexual. How did she really think that was going to affect you? I ask because it sounds like she is being exceptionally selfish and hasn't even started to consider the consequences. You might not have considered the consequences either when she first decided to live without sex but in one way or another - this is heading to the solicitors unless it is addressed.

So I agree with others, you need to talk, carefully but remember that you also deserve to be considered. This is not all about her. Marriage is definitely a team sport - not about an individual."

works both ways.

But get off Fab until you have discussed!

What if she said she wanted to go back to being sexual but was totally against you being “unfaithful”? What if she discovered you were on Fab and the trust was gone?

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge


"The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

I don't think speaking to her is going to help unless you do it through counselling. I would choose a female counsellor so she doesn't feel it is men against women. Good luck. Mrs H

What about women against men?

I think if they decide non counselling they should choose the best one for the problems at hand regardless of gender."

My thinking was that a counsellor should help them to both see the other person's side but if it was a man she could just say it's due to all men being sex mad... And therefore it would fail...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't know if it's asexuality or something more serious in your relationship. Definitely talk to her and she may end up liking the attention on fab. Who knows.

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By *he-Hosiery-GentMan
over a year ago

Older Hot Bearded Guy

She needs to feel you’re desired by other women, this will bring about what’s called competition anxiety which results in & fear of loss on her part, which causes her to feel sexual attraction. It’s the psychology of attraction. If you’re pre-selected by other females her desire for you will be reawakened. You need to make sure your sexual market value is on point, hit the gym, focus on yourself, your hobbies, have the attitude you can take it or leave with sex. If you try it on with her where you are at now, it’ll just come across as needy.

You’ve essentially turned into her gay male girlfriend, because the polarity is fucked up. Polarity is vital between a man and woman for sexual attraction to exist, without you’re just roommates.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"The thing that has struck me most about this post is the fact that it is OK for his wife to decide she is asexual (which it is) but for him to be able to express his feelings and needs, he feels as though he will be labelled a cheat...

I don't think speaking to her is going to help unless you do it through counselling. I would choose a female counsellor so she doesn't feel it is men against women. Good luck. Mrs H

What about women against men?

I think if they decide non counselling they should choose the best one for the problems at hand regardless of gender.

My thinking was that a counsellor should help them to both see the other person's side but if it was a man she could just say it's due to all men being sex mad... And therefore it would fail..."

If a counsellor was appearing to take sides in that way they wouldn't be a very good one. O can see your point but if someone is asexual they're never going to become sexual counselling would be about how they could move forward allowing *both* of them the freedom to express their sexuality ... or not.

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By *ikingpairCouple
over a year ago

Cambridge

I wasn't suggesting that the counsellor might take sides, more that his wife may write it off as being all about men rather than taking on board the fact her husband has needs that are not being met...

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By *angbangFantasyWoman
over a year ago

London

I think this particular OP is just looking for advice from like minded people (I read his profile) and isn't looking to meet.

People are allowed to use this site forums and not meet.

OP I hope that you can have have an open and honest discussion with your wife. Is she aware of your sexual needs and desires? I'm sure you love her very much and also wondrr if she wasn't asexual if you'd even be on this site in the first place.

Some people go on here actively looking to cheat and not ask for advice to help their relationships, but I think you're coming from a genuine place.

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

It has to start with communication. It will hurt but you have to find a way of expressing your feelings. Her decision to become asexual is fine but she has to take your feelings into consideration. You then need to talk about solutions, are you happy to remain in the marriage without sex, is she happy for you to seek solace elsewhere. If a compromise cannot be found then perhaps going your separate ways is for the best. It does not have to be an acrimonious split and you would could still be supportive of her and your children. Either way honesty has to be the best policy no matter how hurtful or uncomfortable it might be.

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By *angbangFantasyWoman
over a year ago

London


"It has to start with communication. It will hurt but you have to find a way of expressing your feelings. Her decision to become asexual is fine but she has to take your feelings into consideration. You then need to talk about solutions, are you happy to remain in the marriage without sex, is she happy for you to seek solace elsewhere. If a compromise cannot be found then perhaps going your separate ways is for the best. It does not have to be an acrimonious split and you would could still be supportive of her and your children. Either way honesty has to be the best policy no matter how hurtful or uncomfortable it might be. "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I would like to say thank you for everyone who has taken time to read and respond. I am sorry it may have caused some controversy. Please allow me to defend that I would never cheat on my wife, nor have I asked anyone for pics, videos or meets. I am on here to be able to talk to people who understand me better and do not judge (mostly). It has been agreed that I can use porn/pictures for my own sexual pleasure so I do not understand why admiring real bodies would be different if I am not planning to be with them?

She is 100% sure this is asexuallity and nothing else to do with me/us. We have a fantastic marriage otherwise which makes this a really hard decision.

We have had smaller discussions regarding her fear of me leaving her over the years because she won't have sex with me. I think I have been trying so hard to convince myself that I'll be fine without it that it's become the normal answer. But when I stop and think that I may have 35-40 years of no sex or sexual connection it scares me.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I would like to say thank you for everyone who has taken time to read and respond. I am sorry it may have caused some controversy. Please allow me to defend that I would never cheat on my wife, nor have I asked anyone for pics, videos or meets. I am on here to be able to talk to people who understand me better and do not judge (mostly). It has been agreed that I can use porn/pictures for my own sexual pleasure so I do not understand why admiring real bodies would be different if I am not planning to be with them?

She is 100% sure this is asexuallity and nothing else to do with me/us. We have a fantastic marriage otherwise which makes this a really hard decision.

We have had smaller discussions regarding her fear of me leaving her over the years because she won't have sex with me. I think I have been trying so hard to convince myself that I'll be fine without it that it's become the normal answer. But when I stop and think that I may have 35-40 years of no sex or sexual connection it scares me."

As well it might.

You're in a very tough situation. As I said earlier my opinion is that a counsellor will help you both.

I hope you can both find a way forward with this

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By *rufinWoman
over a year ago

notts


"was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it?

We started out relationship very sexual but closer to marriage it was slowly dwindling. We thought it was something to do with her body/hormones etc so we had tests and tried lots of things. In the last 3-4 years she discovered asexuality from a friend and realised that what she was thinking/feeling was a lot towards that and since accepting that has been a lot more happy.

I would like sex/to be able to speak sexually with someone. Whether it be just a one time thing or preferably make friends with people I do it with. I can't even make sexual comments to her or call her sexy as she then worries I'm going to try something on. It sounds a lot worse than it is but I purely want to feel sexually wanted or to sexually please someone. Everything else I have in my relationship with my wife"

OK, I actually doubt it's asexuality but that's just a personal opinion (unless even at the beginning she didn't feel sexual and was pretending?) Women's desire is usually much more driven by novelty than men's. Have you read any Esther Perel (mating in captivity) or Wednesday Martin (untrue)?

Onto what you are looking for - I wonder if you would be happy with just sex, to be honest. As you say, a friendship alongside, and to feel sexually wanted, often brings the danger of emotional connection as well. This will probably be more challenging to your relationship than a transactional sex encounter. There are websites (ie is a good example) where men and women in similar situations meet, and that might work for you, but are you going to be honest with your wife about that? I doubt she would take it well. Many people live with 'dont ask, dont tell'. Couple's counselling would help you both negotiate your relationship and future, be that together, together in a more open relationship, separate but friends.

Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Im no expert bit can only offer my opinion

The fact your on here already probably means you've made up your mind...ask yourself if someone messaged you right now and offered you the sex you want...would you take it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it?

We started out relationship very sexual but closer to marriage it was slowly dwindling. We thought it was something to do with her body/hormones etc so we had tests and tried lots of things. In the last 3-4 years she discovered asexuality from a friend and realised that what she was thinking/feeling was a lot towards that and since accepting that has been a lot more happy.

I would like sex/to be able to speak sexually with someone. Whether it be just a one time thing or preferably make friends with people I do it with. I can't even make sexual comments to her or call her sexy as she then worries I'm going to try something on. It sounds a lot worse than it is but I purely want to feel sexually wanted or to sexually please someone. Everything else I have in my relationship with my wife

OK, I actually doubt it's asexuality but that's just a personal opinion (unless even at the beginning she didn't feel sexual and was pretending?) Women's desire is usually much more driven by novelty than men's. Have you read any Esther Perel (mating in captivity) or Wednesday Martin (untrue)?

Onto what you are looking for - I wonder if you would be happy with just sex, to be honest. As you say, a friendship alongside, and to feel sexually wanted, often brings the danger of emotional connection as well. This will probably be more challenging to your relationship than a transactional sex encounter. There are websites (ie is a good example) where men and women in similar situations meet, and that might work for you, but are you going to be honest with your wife about that? I doubt she would take it well. Many people live with 'dont ask, dont tell'. Couple's counselling would help you both negotiate your relationship and future, be that together, together in a more open relationship, separate but friends.

Good luck

"

I understand your opinion and thank you for your comments. For all of her sexual life she had always had sex as it was expected or to keep her partner happy. It was a good few years inot our relationship that this really came to light so as soon as I knew this I reassured her that I only wanted sex with her if she actually wanted it. She finally had the power to say no thanks. As pleased as I am she has that courage I am struggling to learn how to deal with my feelings.

Counselling has been suggested by most which I feel may help me communicate things better as I'm not really good at that (low confidence and self esteem).

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Im no expert bit can only offer my opinion

The fact your on here already probably means you've made up your mind...ask yourself if someone messaged you right now and offered you the sex you want...would you take it?"

I've already been approached by pm's offering me meet ups and sex. I have declined as thats not who I am or what I want.

This to me is a support group with some amazingly beautiful and sexy people on it.

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend


"I would like to say thank you for everyone who has taken time to read and respond. I am sorry it may have caused some controversy. Please allow me to defend that I would never cheat on my wife, nor have I asked anyone for pics, videos or meets. I am on here to be able to talk to people who understand me better and do not judge (mostly). It has been agreed that I can use porn/pictures for my own sexual pleasure so I do not understand why admiring real bodies would be different if I am not planning to be with them?

She is 100% sure this is asexuallity and nothing else to do with me/us. We have a fantastic marriage otherwise which makes this a really hard decision.

We have had smaller discussions regarding her fear of me leaving her over the years because she won't have sex with me. I think I have been trying so hard to convince myself that I'll be fine without it that it's become the normal answer. But when I stop and think that I may have 35-40 years of no sex or sexual connection it scares me.

As well it might.

You're in a very tough situation. As I said earlier my opinion is that a counsellor will help you both.

I hope you can both find a way forward with this "

I agree with this, counselling gives a safe space to discuss and explore each other's needs and feelings with the added bonus of a professionals input.

I am coming at this with a polyamorous view which gives me the opinion that it is sometimes the case that one partner may not fulfil your every desire or need, and this is ok because it doesn't mean that you love them any less but it does give the ability to have more than one partner who may fulfil your other needs even if that other person is purely a fuck buddy all the way through to another loving relationship but that is something that needs open honest discussion on all sides and may well not be the solution to your situation. Hopefully you can both work through this and find a suitable solution.

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By *AYENCouple
over a year ago

Lincolnshire

Masturbating will never replace the joy of sex with another person, so you will have to get this sorted. Tbh she sounds very selfish and imo unlikely to be concerned enough about your needs to agree to councelling. If she does refuse councelling, I think she will also refuse any middle ground agreement, so I would prepare for what I believe will be you giving her your only option, an ultimatum - good luck op.

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By *iss LovelyWoman
over a year ago

Here and There

That must be very difficult OP. I think anyone who changes the whole dynamic of a relationship in such a huge way must know it’s going to have a massive impact. It’s very good of you for sticking it out, a lot would have left or cheated.

I would definitely recommend counselling. There has to be a balance of your needs and you have to be able to communicate.

I might be wrong, but I get the impression that you’ve accommodated your wife’s wish without too much resistance, and no doubt reassured her that you’re not going to leave her. So this may be a huge shock to her, but don’t let that put you off. It’s really important that you get this resolved.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What would you do if she realised she's actually a lesbian? She has now realised her sexuality so your relationship can't be the same as it was.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I wouldn't say it was her being selfish but more that Its me trying to convince both of us that I will be fine for the next 30-40 years as I'm not wanting to hurt her or my family and lose them.

She has been bi curious back in her teens and has always shown attraction to women over men but still feels 0 sexual feelings or desires for either sex. I would be understanding if she was lesbian and would hope we could still somehow keep yhe best friend dynamic but I would hope she would approve me having sex with others.

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend

[Removed by poster at 13/06/21 18:15:44]

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend


"What would you do if she realised she's actually a lesbian? She has now realised her sexuality so your relationship can't be the same as it was.

"

What if she did and it didn't change the love that she felt for him in any way? As the OP stated above she feels no sexual attraction to either sex so I don't think her sexual orientation would make much difference to be honest.

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"I wouldn't say it was her being selfish but more that Its me trying to convince both of us that I will be fine for the next 30-40 years as I'm not wanting to hurt her or my family and lose them.

She has been bi curious back in her teens and has always shown attraction to women over men but still feels 0 sexual feelings or desires for either sex. I would be understanding if she was lesbian and would hope we could still somehow keep yhe best friend dynamic but I would hope she would approve me having sex with others."

You know that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Does your wife know the effect this is having on you?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You know that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Does your wife know the effect this is having on you? "

I have told her it's hard sometimes but I probably underplay it alot to not make her feel bad. She also doesn't/cannot understand the feeling of sexual need so it's hard for me to translate it without sounding like I'm having a dig at her or saying that I want to leave her if I don't get sex

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hi OP,

As others have suggested, you need to talk to your wife, and be open and honest with her.

Not always easy I know, but communication is key to everything. Never easy having these types of conversations,

But you owe it to each other.

Personally, we're not made to have sex with just one person for the rest of our lives.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, we just aren't. We all have desires, doesn't mean we love our partner any less, in fact being honest with one another shows a deeper love.

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By *etwifeandhim69Couple
over a year ago

Darlington


"Talk to her "

This.

Do not cheat.

If your marriage is important to you both, you can both work through it and find something that fixes that hole.

If you cant fix that part then either accept it and get on with it OR just acknowleglsge the fact your marriage may have run its course.

Cheating fixes nothing and only damages your current situation further. Be honest and tell her how you feel.whilst respecting her feelings. She may be open to things you never thought possible, she may not but you need to deal.with it if.youre on a swinging site already

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Is she really asexual ? Or is that just how you interpret it ? Has she told you she’s asexual ? How did that happen?

Just tell her, that you love her and don’t want to leave , you’ll continue to support her as a friend, financially whatever it is you do currently but want an open relationship. Tell her you’ll be discreet , it’s either that or you have to think about separating. It will go one of two ways. Good luck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Get rid of her or meet discreetly

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend


"Hi OP,

As others have suggested, you need to talk to your wife, and be open and honest with her.

Not always easy I know, but communication is key to everything. Never easy having these types of conversations,

But you owe it to each other.

Personally, we're not made to have sex with just one person for the rest of our lives.

I don't care what anyone else thinks, we just aren't. We all have desires, doesn't mean we love our partner any less, in fact being honest with one another shows a deeper love.

"

So agree with this

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By *olymalelincsMan
over a year ago

southend


"Get rid of her or meet discreetly "

Not a helpful view to be honest when there are a million and one better ways to go about this as suggested by others in this thread

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By *olo_89Couple
over a year ago

Kettering

If you understand and support her sexyality what makes you feer she won't understand yours?

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"You know that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Does your wife know the effect this is having on you?

I have told her it's hard sometimes but I probably underplay it alot to not make her feel bad. She also doesn't/cannot understand the feeling of sexual need so it's hard for me to translate it without sounding like I'm having a dig at her or saying that I want to leave her if I don't get sex"

How about how *you" feel? Why do you have to feel bad so that she doesn't. It is very hard to understand something you haven't personally experienced but you're trying to understand her.

Again a counsellor will help you navigate this. Are you reluctant to see one?

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By *phroditeWoman
over a year ago

(She/ her) in Sensualityland


"You know that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Does your wife know the effect this is having on you?

I have told her it's hard sometimes but I probably underplay it alot to not make her feel bad. She also doesn't/cannot understand the feeling of sexual need so it's hard for me to translate it without sounding like I'm having a dig at her or saying that I want to leave her if I don't get sex"

Several people suggested counselling - tbh the neutral environment that counselling provides, is your best bet even if it only leads to a better understanding of each other's thoughts and feelings.

I would seriously suggest not to challenge her asexuality if that is what she believes she has - let a counsellor explore that in a tactful, non-threatening way. One of the worst things for asexual people is being asked whether they are genuinely asexual - it is really offensive and undermining.

Relate offer couple counselling as well as psycho-sexual counselling, they have offices and services all over the UK.

Best of luck, OP - this must be really tough and absolutely, it is ok to put yourself first sometimes. I am sure you will feel better having given it a try with counselling first though.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What would you do if she realised she's actually a lesbian? She has now realised her sexuality so your relationship can't be the same as it was.

What if she did and it didn't change the love that she felt for him in any way? As the OP stated above she feels no sexual attraction to either sex so I don't think her sexual orientation would make much difference to be honest."

I just meant it as a different perspective. Lesbian or asexual - she wouldn't want to have sex with him.

Sometimes if you look at things from a different angle they become clearer.

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By *ynecplCouple
over a year ago

Newcastle upon Tyne

I don't know why but I have been thinking about this constantly since I posted my advice earlier.

Reading your responses has been enlighting.

You are clearly somebody who cares deeply and want love as well as sex. Leaving aside your wife's need I don't think you can go the next 30 or 40 years without sex but equally I don't think that you could go the same length of time without love. That means I don't see an open marriage working as you want passion and intimacy as well as just the physical act.

Definitely go to counselling either together or alone it will certainly help you.

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By *rufinWoman
over a year ago

notts


"You know that it's ok to put yourself first sometimes. Does your wife know the effect this is having on you?

I have told her it's hard sometimes but I probably underplay it alot to not make her feel bad. She also doesn't/cannot understand the feeling of sexual need so it's hard for me to translate it without sounding like I'm having a dig at her or saying that I want to leave her if I don't get sex"

It is okay to leave if sex is no longer part of the relationship. You don't have to leave. Some people choose to live without, or make discreet arrangements, but it is also okay and understandable to leave.

I hope she agrees to counselling and you can explore your options together

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By *ez1987Man
over a year ago

Great Harwood, Blackburn

Talk to her,be honest about your feelings and how your feeling sexually frustrated.

Yes a relationship can work without sex, but she needs to understand your needs aswell just because she's asexual doesn't mean you have to be aswell.

I'd deffo look at the counciling route because a non biased 3rd party can be useful in communicating things both ways.

I hope you find some useful information from the o es that are giving positive feedback and not suggesting the cheat behind her back route.

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)

Ah Hun you're in a complex position that is for sure.

Well done for being supportive of her, it's a hard position to be in and one many people won't understand.

It comes down to lots of conversation, potentially over a long time. And a lot of reassuring her that your love for her isn't dependant on having sex with her.

It took maybe 5 or 6 years of patient conversation with my husband. He still doesn't understand my need and desire for sex (any more that I can't comprehend how it doesn't do anything for him).

In some respects it was slightly easier I guess as I have been poly for many more years than I've known him, so he always knew that although the first few years (for varying reasons) were monogamous, it wasn't always going to be that way.

My husband is hetro-romantic asexual. He loves me and is affectionate with hugs and touches but actual sex isn't something he wants or needs, I accept that and we have talked and discussed about how we can still show and express love to each other without resorting to the physical and it's actually much easier than you'd think (I'd recommend you both look at the love language stuff)

If you can work out ways to ensure you both feel loved and secure in that love without the demand for sex (because it's really really hard for a lot of people to feel truly secure in love without sex because society and the media have spent years ramming the idea that love = sex to us). I can see from your post that you do love her, it might just take longer for her to feel as secure as she should.

Once that security is there, it's much easier to talk about how you still have a need and a desire for sex, she won't understand it any more than you would understand her feelings of asexuality, but it makes the compromises so much easier.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle


"was she always asexual? what did you agree at the start of the relationship and what's changed? There might be starting points in there for a conversation. What are you looking for from a sexual relationship/s outside of the marriage and how realistically achievable is it?

We started out relationship very sexual but closer to marriage it was slowly dwindling. We thought it was something to do with her body/hormones etc so we had tests and tried lots of things. In the last 3-4 years she discovered asexuality from a friend and realised that what she was thinking/feeling was a lot towards that and since accepting that has been a lot more happy.

I would like sex/to be able to speak sexually with someone. Whether it be just a one time thing or preferably make friends with people I do it with. I can't even make sexual comments to her or call her sexy as she then worries I'm going to try something on. It sounds a lot worse than it is but I purely want to feel sexually wanted or to sexually please someone. Everything else I have in my relationship with my wife"

Reading everything you're only answer is to seek professional help so each other understand via even if you discuss with your GP they would give you great advice and guidance steps to take.

Good luck.

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By *icentiousCouple
over a year ago

Up on them there hills

There is a saying, “the meaning of the communication is the response you get”.

If she doesn’t understand….

Equally, poor me doesn’t.

Communication is a great concept when you enter the other person’s world and get out of yours.

Hope it works out.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Ah Hun you're in a complex position that is for sure.

Well done for being supportive of her, it's a hard position to be in and one many people won't understand.

It comes down to lots of conversation, potentially over a long time. And a lot of reassuring her that your love for her isn't dependant on having sex with her.

It took maybe 5 or 6 years of patient conversation with my husband. He still doesn't understand my need and desire for sex (any more that I can't comprehend how it doesn't do anything for him).

In some respects it was slightly easier I guess as I have been poly for many more years than I've known him, so he always knew that although the first few years (for varying reasons) were monogamous, it wasn't always going to be that way.

My husband is hetro-romantic asexual. He loves me and is affectionate with hugs and touches but actual sex isn't something he wants or needs, I accept that and we have talked and discussed about how we can still show and express love to each other without resorting to the physical and it's actually much easier than you'd think (I'd recommend you both look at the love language stuff)

If you can work out ways to ensure you both feel loved and secure in that love without the demand for sex (because it's really really hard for a lot of people to feel truly secure in love without sex because society and the media have spent years ramming the idea that love = sex to us). I can see from your post that you do love her, it might just take longer for her to feel as secure as she should.

Once that security is there, it's much easier to talk about how you still have a need and a desire for sex, she won't understand it any more than you would understand her feelings of asexuality, but it makes the compromises so much easier. "

I hope the OP reads this post.

OP what are your thoughts on counselling as it seems the only sensible step to take in your situation.

I was almost half way in to reading this thread when I check your profile and realised your only 35 years old! Many swingers would say your about to come into your peak sexual prime over thenext few years. As a highly sexed man of a similar age I can't begin to contemplate the thought of not having sex anymore in my life.

One of things both me and K say is when we are laying on our death beds hopefully old and wrinkly many years from now, we can look back on our life and sexual adventures together with zero regrets.

If she wants to live as asexual that is her choice. However to impose that on you, expect you just to tow the new party line, suggests a deep rooted, self centred selfishness and total lack of care, awareness and love towards your needs and feelings.

KJ

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

as a single guy on here you dont need to worry, its very unlikely that you will get a meet anyway, no matter how much you play the sympathy shag card, sorry i dont buy this at all

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to be in the same kinda situation luckily no kids involved. The only way you will be truely happy is to end it with her and find someone who has the same sex drive as your self. It isn't fair on either of you the way things are now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"as a single guy on here you dont need to worry, its very unlikely that you will get a meet anyway, no matter how much you play the sympathy shag card, sorry i dont buy this at all"

Oh brutal! That's one way off looking at it. If an asexual never gives out? How did they have two children ? DUNDUN DUMNNNNNNNN!

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By *ogerBottomsMan
over a year ago

Aberdare


"I used to be in the same kinda situation luckily no kids involved. The only way you will be truely happy is to end it with her and find someone who has the same sex drive as your self. It isn't fair on either of you the way things are now. "

That's how it worked for you, but it might not be how it works for the OP. Maybe if they talk, they can reach an understanding.

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By *teveanddebsCouple
over a year ago

Norwich


"Why do you have to feel bad so that she doesn't."

That would seem to be the main question in all this and one a good counselor could well help you find an answer to.

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle


"Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far. "

You have answered your own question here. i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. So ever thought the problem could be surrounded with you just because a person who maybe supportive doesn't give an entitlement it's part of a relationship maybe you definitely need to speak with a specialist to get too the root of the problem it's not always just one way but understanding which someone is lacking

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By *aunchy RaccoonsCouple
over a year ago

Exeter

The main thing would be to be honest with her and not doing anything behind her back.

If you are on here without her knowing then you need to man up and tell her, as it'll be a lot worse if she finds out another way.

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By *osweet69Couple
over a year ago

portsmouth

Impossible to advise a couple when you are only getting one side of the story.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham

Lots of women go completely off sex with their husband, it doesn’t mean they are asexual. If she cares about you as much as you care about her she’ll be wanting to fix things and open to seeing if she can get her mojo back or some kind of open relationship if she is actually asexual. Are you intimate at all ? Is she remotely into anything like porn or getting dressed up and going on a romantic date , sauna/spa together ? You should be able to talk to her , I don’t understand why you can’t and suspect you are the problem

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By *ucka39Man
over a year ago

Newcastle

Also the fact that you may be on here without her knowing this alone shows how deep your feelings for your partner are I think the issue you are facing is closer than you think ever thought that it could be you that needs professional help and begin to be honest with yourself and your partner failing this alone also ruins a relationship and so does cheating.

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By *reenleavesCouple
over a year ago

North Wales

I feel like her identifying as asexual and where that leaves you should have been part of the same conversation. It sounds like you're sat at opposite ends of the same spectrum.

You've downplayed your own feelings to allay her fears (as is normally the case with men's feelings) but I think it's now time to unfilter them and let her see it in black and white. Counselling is definitely a good course to take. You do need to put your own future happiness first, just as she's done. The trick is to both get what you want and still maintain a stable home life for the kids.

You do sound like a great guy, OP. I genuinely wish you the best here!

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By *dd_soxMan
over a year ago

Suffolk


"snipI don’t understand why you can’t and suspect you are the problem "

Blame is not the way forward.

Sometimes you have to accept that some people have mismatched libidos - it's no ones fault - it happens. And can change over time. My experience is it rarely improves.

Sounds like the OP had made his feelings known - and has experience of trying to broach the subject. Going on about it just makes the other person feel guilty, upset and resentful.

There is love. And sex. Hopefully the two are inn harmony.

IMHO In this situation it is best to love the ones you love a d discreetly fulfil the sex side elsewhere. Be dis rest and don't rub the other possessions nose in it.

It's that or the break up of an otherwise happy union. Then everyone suffers.

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By *rHotNottsMan
over a year ago

Dubai & Nottingham


"snipI don’t understand why you can’t and suspect you are the problem

Blame is not the way forward.

Sometimes you have to accept that some people have mismatched libidos - it's no ones fault - it happens. And can change over time. My experience is it rarely improves.

Sounds like the OP had made his feelings known - and has experience of trying to broach the subject. Going on about it just makes the other person feel guilty, upset and resentful.

There is love. And sex. Hopefully the two are inn harmony.

IMHO In this situation it is best to love the ones you love a d discreetly fulfil the sex side elsewhere. Be dis rest and don't rub the other possessions nose in it.

It's that or the break up of an otherwise happy union. Then everyone suffers. "

I don’t agree about being discreet, it’s a crap solution, I’d be looking for a a much better outcome for both. I wasn’t blaming I just said I suspect, based on 30+ years of relationships, guys are usually the issue with women going of sex, and the fact he’s on here speaks volumes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

All relationships thrive better when there’s fairness…the Op’s wife’s asexuality should be respected and sounds like the Op respects her but so should she respect him otherwise she’s making a lifestyle choice that condemns him to celibacy…and a form of loneliness…which isn’t fair. As so many have mentioned…talk it through…in therapy if necessary…so she hears you as you do her. No sign of Op for a while so hopefully this process has started

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By *icecouple561Couple
Forum Mod
over a year ago

East Sussex


"snipI don’t understand why you can’t and suspect you are the problem

Blame is not the way forward.

Sometimes you have to accept that some people have mismatched libidos - it's no ones fault - it happens. And can change over time. My experience is it rarely improves.

Sounds like the OP had made his feelings known - and has experience of trying to broach the subject. Going on about it just makes the other person feel guilty, upset and resentful.

There is love. And sex. Hopefully the two are inn harmony.

IMHO In this situation it is best to love the ones you love a d discreetly fulfil the sex side elsewhere. Be dis rest and don't rub the other possessions nose in it.

It's that or the break up of an otherwise happy union. Then everyone suffers.

I don’t agree about being discreet, it’s a crap solution, I’d be looking for a a much better outcome for both. I wasn’t blaming I just said I suspect, based on 30+ years of relationships, guys are usually the issue with women going of sex, and the fact he’s on here speaks volumes "

An asexual woman has not gone off sex. Someone who's asexual simply isn't sexual at all.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"as a single guy on here you dont need to worry, its very unlikely that you will get a meet anyway, no matter how much you play the sympathy shag card, sorry i dont buy this at all

Oh brutal! That's one way off looking at it. If an asexual never gives out? How did they have two children ? DUNDUN DUMNNNNNNNN!"

Being asexual doesn't mean a person will never have sex. Some do, to please their partners or to get pregnant.

But someone who is asexual doesn't experience sexual urges and desires. They don't need sex to be happy.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Hi all. I'm sorry for not picking these up. Didn't realise the thread had more comments.

I am very grateful for all of your opinions as you have taken the time to read and try to help. I will first say I am on here to find highly sexual people that are proud of it and I can talk openly with to help me understand. I have refused meets and will not meet as I would never cheat on my wife nor will I have discreet meets.

I guess from everything I am reading that counselling is the best way forward and have been listening to a lot of podcasts and researching asexuality and polyamory so I can make the decision as well informed as possible.

My wife didn't just go off sex. She never really wanted it but felt she had to for her partners. And yes we had sex to have kids but it was decided that we would have sex to try for children both times.

Others have clocked that I do underplay my emotions and feelings so I don't feel she is being selfish. I feel like I am too afraid to lose her that I don't tell her.

Anyways I ramble. Counselling near me is available so I will be hoping to start that soon.

Thank you all again and happy fabbing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thanks for the update op…time to validate your feelings as much as your partner’s. All the best with counselling and hope things work out well for both of you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mate, first of all you sound like a fantastic bloke and husband.

I would love to offer some amazing advice here, but my input is simply to say that Sex is truly one of life’s greatest gifts.

I’m a highly sexed individual and I could not imagine a life of not being able to act on my impulses in a physical manner.

You are 100% right that it’s not your wife’s fault.

But the fact you are needing / wanting sex is not yours either.

Like everyone else has said, talking and getting counseling is a great shout.

However, I think to deny an individual their sexual urges is awful and if your wife wants to lead an asexual existence, you should be given the freedom to explore your sexual desires with others (even if it’s a once in a blue moon thing).

I know the comment about a prostitute was massively unhelpful, and you may find other ways to seek sexual contact (either on here or down the local pub) - but ultimately i can sort of understand where that comment was stemming from.

You’re a red blooded male.

Life is not a dummy run.

Enjoy it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Please get in touch with me. See my profile for details, there are ways to get around this.

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By *arryandAnnCouple
over a year ago

Hereford


"Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far.

Talk to her openly and honestly and see what she says.

Maybe try counselling to see if you can make it work.

Come off fab until it's sorted as it's a big betrayal of trust

Understand why you want to have your cake and eat it but it's not fair on her.

Only you know if sex with strangers is worth the break up of your marriage, financial mess and not holding your kids daily.

"

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By *osineCouple
over a year ago

Weston-Super-Mare

This post makes me sad on so many levels.

I wish I could help

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hope you find the answers you are looking for in counseling.

My advice would be get to counseling asap before the molehill becomes a mountain and your frustration starts impacting on other areas of your relationship.

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By *amesoflondonMan
over a year ago

London


"Hi all. How do you tell the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with that you think you want to be able to have sex and talk sexually with other people? I really don't want to lose her.

A bit of background.

We have been together 16 years and married for 10. We have two beautiful children and generally have a happy marriage. The only struggle is that she is asexual and has no interest in sex or anything sexual whereas I am opposite. She cannot understand that i am hiding a part of who I am and not being truly me. I am very supportive of her asexuality and have never asked her to change that or do anything "for me" but as she doesn't understand how this feels how will she ever understand my "need".

Sorry for the long post and thank you if you have read this far. "

I would suggest (if your WIFE does not know you are here) deleting this profile, keep being honest and true with your WIFE, talk to her, please do not not not cheat. Two children, married. Mate, This place isn't for you unless your WIFE knows and is ok with all that that means. You have a life, don't ruin it for a testosterone surge, talk to that lady you love and I hope to see you both back here!

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By *ophieslutTV/TS
over a year ago

Central

Communicate so that she doesn't feel pressured or blamed etc, mainly so that she gets a better understanding of you. Just start with that as the goal. And let things develop from there. If you have agreed monogamy then continue that until you both agree otherwise

You must commit to her, for her to understand you. Be trustworthy and honest, otherwise she will probably not be able to understand you.

You both have to make the relationship, so both need to be fully in it. Then you can develop its future together, if you both want to continue it.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That’s upsetting to hear. Really assess the reasons to why.. speak to close friends and family etc. Do everything in your power to change the issues. Sometimes can’t always be fixed. Lastly to not offend anyone on here, I’ve noticed in forums a lot of people have such opinions etc. And I wouldn’t listen many. All the best

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s tough and I understand both sides but, you need to talk.

It is impossible to expect to have a ‘highly’ sexual partner as you describe in your profile, with someone asexual. Neither is at fault but it it’s an impasse on both sides.

I think you need counselling to deal with it and decide, do you want to live a lie and cheat, live without cheating but be deeply unhappy, or tell the truth and see what comes of it.

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By *itlbeeCouple
over a year ago

.

The best thing you can do here, is explain how you feel WITHOUT telling her specifically what you "need".

As in - don't open with saying "I want to fuck other people".

Talk about loving her, and your relationship and family and never wanting to hurt her. Then say you feel you are missing out, and you do miss being a sexual human being. Ask herm does she think there is ever some way she could become comfortable with some level of opening up. Keep it on her terms, asking her about what she *could* potentially become comfortable with.

This question isn't saying *now*. Lots of couples take months or years to gradually become accustomed to the idea.

By putting this in her hands, its going to really boost trust and empathy. Simply telling someone they need to adjust to a big scary change, or face divorce is going to make them defensive.

I'm not saying this will definitely work but it's absolutely worth trying.

I truly believe you will have a healthier relationship if you are open and honest, while also prepared to comfort her, reassure her, and give her the emotional support she might need to adjust to this.

Some people just said prostitutes.

I've been cheated on in the past by someone who saw prostitutes, all because they were too afraid of telling me they felt they were missing out. I got unimaginably hurt by that. It's wasn't the sex, it was being lied to, betrayed, and manipulated, and then gaslighted about it all once I started to catch on.

As you can see from me being on here, I don't actually have a problem with my partner seeing other women. In fact I feel safer now, in this relationship because of the swinging. I just needed a partner who was honest and open with me, who would go at my pace, and provide me with comfort and reassurance when I needed it.

Basically, I needed to be shown that I mattered enough to them to be worth being vulnerable for.

When your cheated on, it feels like you meant nothing, because they risked your whole relationship for 30 minutes of action with a stranger.

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By *aughtynottsCouple
over a year ago

Outside Nottingham

I think what a lot of people don’t realise is that connection starts out of the bedroom creating the connection again making your partner feel wanted helping with things and cuddling without the intention of sex building a connection that’s lost can take time and people instantly run for the hills into someone else’s bed, talk tell her you miss the closeness not the sex don’t make her feel like she’s being hassled about not having sex with you but say you’d like to work on getting the closeness back and ask what you can do to make things better.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The sceptic in me says this is a look at me thread, feel sorry for me cheating on my wife.....

You made your bed now lay in it, or leave her if you aren't happy.. be a fucking man

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By *adyJayneWoman
over a year ago

Burnleyish (She/They)


"That’s upsetting to hear. Really assess the reasons to why.. speak to close friends and family etc. Do everything in your power to change the issues. Sometimes can’t always be fixed. Lastly to not offend anyone on here, I’ve noticed in forums a lot of people have such opinions etc. And I wouldn’t listen many. All the best "

Please not speak to family and friends if she is not open about being asexual.

It's one thing talking about it with a close friend you trust with everything... But family? Other friends?

It's the same as outing someone who is gay. Not nice and not fair.

Not that I actually think the OP would... But anyone else reading this. Please don't.

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By *hateveruwntMan
over a year ago

birmingham

Same here dude let me know how u get on hahaha

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love is like a fart.

If you have to force it its probably crap.

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By *melia DominaTV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

I will be completely open with you here.

People change.

Their sexual libido changes through life also.

Sexually you are not compatible.

Your relationship is under stress because of it.

You can not force your wife to want to have sex. Neither can she gloss over the fact that you are still sexually active.

Options:

1. If you can't be blunt and honest with each other, as others have, said counselling is your only option.

2. You go on FAB. You break the trust and bond of your relationship and you end up in a broken relationship with very little chance of the trust returning.

3. You decide on an exit plan and except the hardship but gain the sexually freedom you desire.

Not east. Tough choices.

Been there, done that, bought the t shirt, key ring etc.

I wish you the best. I really do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It’s very difficult.

Luckily I’m single or my boyfriend would be currently writing this thread (I’ve lost my Dec drive).

Whatever you do, be open and honest but you HAVE to be brutally honest, no holding back for fear of hurting feelings,

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By *aughtycp1Couple
over a year ago

Leicestershire


"I think most of the comments referring to you talking to her is the key but here is the brutal part that many people might not like but it is at least a valid starting point;

So she decides to become asexual. How did she really think that was going to affect you? I ask because it sounds like she is being exceptionally selfish and hasn't even started to consider the consequences. You might not have considered the consequences either when she first decided to live without sex but in one way or another - this is heading to the solicitors unless it is addressed.

So I agree with others, you need to talk, carefully but remember that you also deserve to be considered. This is not all about her. Marriage is definitely a team sport - not about an individual."

I completely agree with this. When you're wife declared she was asexual, were you completely honest with her as to how you felt about it ?

It sounds as though your reaction to her declaration was supportive but not honest about your own feelings.

Support is a two way thing in a marriage. It has to be both ways.

Mrs N x

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