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"I hope I don't regret posting this. There's no other thread about it. So here's the thing. I have vaginismus. Yeah, I know, not ideal in swinging. I've had it forever and don't see me being cured. (Google it) I go to swingers clubs and mostly stick to people I know and trust. Girthy cocks I struggle a lot with. Not saying everyone I've been with is less endowed, but the chances of success are very slim, depends on many factors and every unsuccessful try leaves me stressed, upset and in pain for days. Yes I've tried various ways and lube etc. And yes I know there's more you can do than penis in vagina. (but that's REALLY what I want!) Have any ladies suffered, and how did/do you deal with it? LADIES please pm me if you prefer. Men, how do I phrase what I'm looking for without causing offence? * NO pm's please *, I don't want endless cock shots in my inbox asking me if it's small enough. (I will just delete) I'm not embarrassed, but I do get sick and tired of having to explain the whys and wherefores to every potential man as it takes the edge off the horn. " Well I feel for you I do...not an issue I have thank fully, and life not getting any cock is not one I would want...I don't know what to recommend, sorry, have you spoken to the Doctor? Big hugs hun.. | |||
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"My partner has this and dr said was perimenopause and use lube etc... not great .went to a health shop and they recommend omega 7 sea buckthorn capsules . Early days but helping . " It can occur at any point in a woman's life, I've had it since, well, since the beginning. I'm glad those things are helping your partner. I'll have a look at that supplement.  | |||
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"I hope I don't regret posting this. There's no other thread about it. So here's the thing. I have vaginismus. Yeah, I know, not ideal in swinging. I've had it forever and don't see me being cured. (Google it) I go to swingers clubs and mostly stick to people I know and trust. Girthy cocks I struggle a lot with. Not saying everyone I've been with is less endowed, but the chances of success are very slim, depends on many factors and every unsuccessful try leaves me stressed, upset and in pain for days. Yes I've tried various ways and lube etc. And yes I know there's more you can do than penis in vagina. (but that's REALLY what I want!) Have any ladies suffered, and how did/do you deal with it? LADIES please pm me if you prefer. Men, how do I phrase what I'm looking for without causing offence? * NO pm's please *, I don't want endless cock shots in my inbox asking me if it's small enough. (I will just delete) I'm not embarrassed, but I do get sick and tired of having to explain the whys and wherefores to every potential man as it takes the edge off the horn. Well I feel for you I do...not an issue I have thank fully, and life not getting any cock is not one I would want...I don't know what to recommend, sorry, have you spoken to the Doctor? Big hugs hun.." Yes a few times over the years, tried a couple of things, dilators and therapy. I have less to no pain with the thin cocks (again, no offence meant on my wording) but anything really average or above is unbearable or impossible and then I feel guilty, try harder and end up hurt.  | |||
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"Sex with a women is better anyway  
 " Well it is rather delicious I agree | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately." Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. " I'm sorry to hear the previous things haven't helped. I know it sounds pointless, but different therapists have different approaches, so could be worth another shot? I really don't know what to suggest  | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. I'm sorry to hear the previous things haven't helped. I know it sounds pointless, but different therapists have different approaches, so could be worth another shot? I really don't know what to suggest "Thank you, yes I was seeing a lovely psychotherapist  lady who was very kind, but covid got in the way of that. | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. " Im sorry to hear you have this problem. It can be caused by many things. Have physical problems been ruled out, episiotomy scars, birth scarring in the vagina, scar tissue on the perineum?. Or The issue can be caused by emotional trauma.. Perhaps in your younger years? A psychotherapist, counsellor who is trained in psychosexual issues may be able to help. If you can find someone near you who has trained in Sexological Bodywork,.. A treatment that involves talk therapy and bodywork, so might be difficult to find at the moment. Hope you find some resolution soon. | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. Im sorry to hear you have this problem. It can be caused by many things. Have physical problems been ruled out, episiotomy scars, birth scarring in the vagina, scar tissue on the perineum?. Or The issue can be caused by emotional trauma.. Perhaps in your younger years? A psychotherapist, counsellor who is trained in psychosexual issues may be able to help. If you can find someone near you who has trained in Sexological Bodywork,.. A treatment that involves talk therapy and bodywork, so might be difficult to find at the moment. Hope you find some resolution soon. " She says in the comments she was seeing a psychotherapist before lockdown as she knows the cause. | |||
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"Yawn..." That's not very nice !  | |||
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"Yawn..." We'd say the same about your erectile dysfunction, don't worry | |||
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"One of my partners suffers this and even a gentle finger is often too painful let alone any size of cock. We've found using Instillagel works quite well but does need a little for thought. It contains alcohol so make sure you moisturise with something pH friendly several hours before, and do the same some hours after as well. It will take maybe 10min to kick in but any oral play is out of the question till completely washed off (all parties -fingers and other bits- concerned) as the taste is horrid!" Wow that's a lot to juggle! Sounds like that's something to use at home. Sounds like an anaesthetic gel? I'm glad it helps your partner though. | |||
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"I don't have vaginismus but I do sometimes struggle with being too tight, I just have.. temperamental (??) Anatomy. Sometimes I'll be all fine for 2 sometimes 3 fingers, other times it can be tight with one. My partner has made all the difference, he's incredible at genuinely taking his time and ensuring I'm where I need to be before anything happens. Feel free to give us a pm, I (Mrs) am on here frequently, Mr never uses it but could always pass on anything to him. Let us know " I'm sorry about your temperamental vag. It could be vaginismus what you describe. Sometimes fanny just says no, not today and clamps shut. My problem is I don't have the sexual partner at home, so In the club having time in the private room is limited and a bit rushed. | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. Im sorry to hear you have this problem. It can be caused by many things. Have physical problems been ruled out, episiotomy scars, birth scarring in the vagina, scar tissue on the perineum?. Or The issue can be caused by emotional trauma.. Perhaps in your younger years? A psychotherapist, counsellor who is trained in psychosexual issues may be able to help. If you can find someone near you who has trained in Sexological Bodywork,.. A treatment that involves talk therapy and bodywork, so might be difficult to find at the moment. Hope you find some resolution soon. " Thank you, the issue is emotional from medical events as a child up to age 6. As an adult I was put to sleep to have an internal to see if there was anything physically wrong, which there wasn't, they cut the hymen. It's very rural where I live, finding services is difficult at the best of times. The doctor I saw before covid sounds like what you describe. Just wait and see if I can see her again. She works in my local sexual health clinic. | |||
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"Have you spoken to the GP and sought referral to an expert? Not quite the same, but I have pelvic organ prolapse plus so nerve damage so I have a few little issues that might need addressing if we do meet again. I'm sorry I can't specifically help with the vaginismus but there is possible treatment, albeit I'm sure there's a long wait for such therapists unfortunately. Yes a sex therapist who told me to use dilators, and to look at my vagina in a mirror. I couldn't use the dilators at all, not even a finger. I was 35 before the first finger success. I know the reason/s why I think I have this, which I don't want to discuss here, its been talked about but didn't help. Im sorry to hear you have this problem. It can be caused by many things. Have physical problems been ruled out, episiotomy scars, birth scarring in the vagina, scar tissue on the perineum?. Or The issue can be caused by emotional trauma.. Perhaps in your younger years? A psychotherapist, counsellor who is trained in psychosexual issues may be able to help. If you can find someone near you who has trained in Sexological Bodywork,.. A treatment that involves talk therapy and bodywork, so might be difficult to find at the moment. Hope you find some resolution soon. Thank you, the issue is emotional from medical events as a child up to age 6. As an adult I was put to sleep to have an internal to see if there was anything physically wrong, which there wasn't, they cut the hymen. It's very rural where I live, finding services is difficult at the best of times. The doctor I saw before covid sounds like what you describe. Just wait and see if I can see her again. She works in my local sexual health clinic. " Google Dr David Nunns Nottingham. He is a vulvodynia specialist (not the same as your condition) but I have some info that may help. Please drop me a message if you'd like to chat. | |||
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"Never personally had an issue with this, so it experience to share. But I wondered, Is penetration any easier after an orgasm? I tend to be pretty relaxed after I’ve cum and I wondered if that was an actual physical side effect of the orgasm, and if it would override anything mental. It could be that I’m not educated enough on the subject and what I’ve mentioned isn’t relevant at all, if so I’m really sorry. There’s nothing worse than having an issue and people who know nothing about it thinking they can help. " I appreciate your input 
After orgasm is extra difficult for me. But I know what you mean about feeling relaxed after, however vagina is a right bitch, as my conscious brain can't control her, sure I can clench and unclench, but when something comes at her she's ready for a fight and I can't stop that. I can laugh about it sometimes. | |||
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"I've had vaginismus since I became sexually active at 17, I'm now 35. Penetrative sex has never been anything but agony for me. I've tried to improve it several times, but it never gets better. I have poor elasticity and scar tissue from trying to fix it. I get sad sometimes that I'm so limited by it, because it means I have to be MEGA trusting of anyone I'm intimate with which is difficult in the casual swinging world. I just can't do penetration, I have a little paragraph on my profile about it. I can't even get smear tests because the nurses freak out, and I end up sobbing and bleeding. So yeah, I feel your pain! It's not something people tend to know about if I mention it. " Oh flower. I will pm you once I'm fully awake x | |||
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"Loads of guys use a thing as a relaxant don't know if it works for girls, never tried them myself. " If you're on about illegal substances, I had a very quick thought about it and decided no, no thank you. | |||
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" Google Dr David Nunns Nottingham. He is a vulvodynia specialist (not the same as your condition) but I have some info that may help. Please drop me a message if you'd like to chat." Sending pm x | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block  "Ditto, nice of him to be so understanding and empathetic | |||
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"Ok so I just googled this as I have never heard of it. So what I'm saying is just pure speculation... Does slow teasing play help at all. And keep it external until you feel relaxed enough. And a I'm guessing a partner who is understanding and patient willing to take this extremely slow Again no idea just speculation!" Yes it can help, though in the swingers club (which is the only place I meet for safety) it's a bit difficult on finding someone who understands that yes I'd like to play but.. And then go into my needs and that penetration may not happen in the end. Kinda takes the shine off. | |||
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"Ok so I just googled this as I have never heard of it. So what I'm saying is just pure speculation... Does slow teasing play help at all. And keep it external until you feel relaxed enough. And a I'm guessing a partner who is understanding and patient willing to take this extremely slow Again no idea just speculation! Yes it can help, though in the swingers club (which is the only place I meet for safety) it's a bit difficult on finding someone who understands that yes I'd like to play but.. And then go into my needs and that penetration may not happen in the end. Kinda takes the shine off. " Don't want to sound patronising. But I feel for you. If its a club meet (as you said for safety) would a pre arranged encounter help. Get the chit chat about your situation out the way before hand. Then just enjoy the time together? | |||
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"Ok so I just googled this as I have never heard of it. So what I'm saying is just pure speculation... Does slow teasing play help at all. And keep it external until you feel relaxed enough. And a I'm guessing a partner who is understanding and patient willing to take this extremely slow Again no idea just speculation! Yes it can help, though in the swingers club (which is the only place I meet for safety) it's a bit difficult on finding someone who understands that yes I'd like to play but.. And then go into my needs and that penetration may not happen in the end. Kinda takes the shine off. Don't want to sound patronising. But I feel for you. If its a club meet (as you said for safety) would a pre arranged encounter help. Get the chit chat about your situation out the way before hand. Then just enjoy the time together?" Yes I have done that and on a couple of occasions offended the guy because I've said his cock was the perfect size for me because it wasn't so thick, and then he's not wanted to play in the end hence my question at the top about how to not offend in the quest to find the perfect one for me. | |||
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"Ok so I just googled this as I have never heard of it. So what I'm saying is just pure speculation... Does slow teasing play help at all. And keep it external until you feel relaxed enough. And a I'm guessing a partner who is understanding and patient willing to take this extremely slow Again no idea just speculation! Yes it can help, though in the swingers club (which is the only place I meet for safety) it's a bit difficult on finding someone who understands that yes I'd like to play but.. And then go into my needs and that penetration may not happen in the end. Kinda takes the shine off. Don't want to sound patronising. But I feel for you. If its a club meet (as you said for safety) would a pre arranged encounter help. Get the chit chat about your situation out the way before hand. Then just enjoy the time together? Yes I have done that and on a couple of occasions offended the guy because I've said his cock was the perfect size for me because it wasn't so thick, and then he's not wanted to play in the end hence my question at the top about how to not offend in the quest to find the perfect one for me. "I can only say from my point of view. I wouldn't be offended if you said no at any point as that's what consensual sex is. And if it hurts you then I wouldn't worry about offending anyone else. Your body. Your rules. You know what fits and what size best suits you. Say that and if they don't like it then they should not be worth your time in meeting. | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block "I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking? | |||
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" I can only say from my point of view. I wouldn't be offended if you said no at any point as that's what consensual sex is. And if it hurts you then I wouldn't worry about offending anyone else. Your body. Your rules. You know what fits and what size best suits you. Say that and if they don't like it then they should not be worth your time in meeting." Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking? " I thought this too! | |||
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" Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. " Bet it feels like your trying to get the square peg in the round hole a lot huh. "No pressure, skinny dick wanted for mutual pleasure. Must be understanding and taking things slowly at my pace. I repeat skinny dicks only." Hows that sound lol | |||
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" Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. Bet it feels like your trying to get the square peg in the round hole a lot huh. "No pressure, skinny dick wanted for mutual pleasure. Must be understanding and taking things slowly at my pace. I repeat skinny dicks only." Hows that sound lol" More like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle
That sounds good to me but wouldn't a guy find that offensive? | |||
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" Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. Bet it feels like your trying to get the square peg in the round hole a lot huh. "No pressure, skinny dick wanted for mutual pleasure. Must be understanding and taking things slowly at my pace. I repeat skinny dicks only." Hows that sound lol More like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle
That sounds good to me but wouldn't a guy find that offensive? "Nope. Not at all. It's the same as any lady on here asking for vwe only. It's what you like so that's all there is to it. | |||
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" Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. Bet it feels like your trying to get the square peg in the round hole a lot huh. "No pressure, skinny dick wanted for mutual pleasure. Must be understanding and taking things slowly at my pace. I repeat skinny dicks only." Hows that sound lol More like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle
That sounds good to me but wouldn't a guy find that offensive?
Nope. Not at all. It's the same as any lady on here asking for vwe only. It's what you like so that's all there is to it."True. It's my preference. Once things get back to normal and clubs open I'll rejig the profile and spend more time arranging to meet better suited guys at the club rather than seeing who's there on the night. | |||
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" Oh yes of course consent can be withdrawn at any point. Finding someone suitable enough where I wouldn't have to potentially do that, would take the pressure off me worrying about will I be able to have sex or won't I, because if I doubt it, then it reinforces the problem. Its a vicious cycle. Bet it feels like your trying to get the square peg in the round hole a lot huh. "No pressure, skinny dick wanted for mutual pleasure. Must be understanding and taking things slowly at my pace. I repeat skinny dicks only." Hows that sound lol More like trying to get a camel through the eye of a needle
That sounds good to me but wouldn't a guy find that offensive?
Nope. Not at all. It's the same as any lady on here asking for vwe only. It's what you like so that's all there is to it.
True. It's my preference. Once things get back to normal and clubs open I'll rejig the profile and spend more time arranging to meet better suited guys at the club rather than seeing who's there on the night. "And try not to worry about offending guys. If they are offended by you asking for something that important to you then they are definitely not worth letting them near you. Smile say skinny dick? Nope ok next? Skinny dick? Yup. Ok let's see it... | |||
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" And try not to worry about offending guys. If they are offended by you asking for something that important to you then they are definitely not worth letting them near you. Smile say skinny dick? Nope ok next? Skinny dick? Yup. Ok let's see it..." I like your style. | |||
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" And try not to worry about offending guys. If they are offended by you asking for something that important to you then they are definitely not worth letting them near you. Smile say skinny dick? Nope ok next? Skinny dick? Yup. Ok let's see it... I like your style. "Why thank you. Hope my ramblings have helped in some small way. And you find what your looking for. | |||
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" And try not to worry about offending guys. If they are offended by you asking for something that important to you then they are definitely not worth letting them near you. Smile say skinny dick? Nope ok next? Skinny dick? Yup. Ok let's see it... I like your style.
Why thank you. Hope my ramblings have helped in some small way. And you find what your looking for."Thank you | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too! "I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring! For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect. | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too!
I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring!
For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect. "Hey flower. I hope you find the perfect man for the job. X  | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too!
I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring!
For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect.
Hey flower. I hope you find the perfect man for the job. X
"Well I’m not short of offers.... there aren’t many women over 50 on here who are virgins! | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too!
I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring!
For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect.
Hey flower. I hope you find the perfect man for the job. X
Well I’m not short of offers.... there aren’t many women over 50 on here who are virgins! "You trump me, I was a week short of being 36! I think you hold the record there. I hope its the night you always dreamed of x | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too!
I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring!
For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect.
Hey flower. I hope you find the perfect man for the job. X
Well I’m not short of offers.... there aren’t many women over 50 on here who are virgins!
You trump me, I was a week short of being 36! I think you hold the record there. I hope its the night you always dreamed of x"lol. I doubt it will be but I can hope. Trying not to over think it and over plan it. First time around was absolutely crap. Hopefully losing it as a girl with a bit more life experience, I can make a better job of this. | |||
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"Yawn... That earned you a block
I'm not wanting to block this charmer, as I'm interested to know why a 'straight' man is interested in cock docking?
I thought this too!
I guess that’s why he finds a lovely tight vagina so boring!
For the record; I have yet to try my new vagina, and I’m looking for a man who’s not too big. I’m not exactly gaping so mr average is perfect.
Hey flower. I hope you find the perfect man for the job. X
Well I’m not short of offers.... there aren’t many women over 50 on here who are virgins!
You trump me, I was a week short of being 36! I think you hold the record there. I hope its the night you always dreamed of x
lol. I doubt it will be but I can hope. Trying not to over think it and over plan it. First time around was absolutely crap. Hopefully losing it as a girl with a bit more life experience, I can make a better job of this. "Never say never, my first time was with a fellow fabber, and though it wasn't romantic in any way, it was a very good positive experience. I'm sure you'll make a better job this time around. You deserve it. X | |||
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it can't be easy.
Unfortunately it's one of those things that some doctors don't understand and treatment varies so much from person to person.
I don't struggle with this issue however I do have a chronic pain/fatigue condition and also size issues when it comes to some men. So I got used to having the awkward conversation about my abilities.
We've found it's a great way to filter out unwanted people. We will openly discuss it and if people listen and respect my needs for things to be changed a little (not sure how else to phrase that) then we know they're the kind of people we want to play with.
If they continue to bring it up, take issue with it or ignore it entirely then we know to stay away.
Awkward conversation/moments happen regularly in this lifestyle but most of us are mature enough to chat about any issues and try to make the best experience for all involved. Thats what swinging is all about, ensuring everyone has the best time possible.
Good luck | |||
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"I'm so sorry you're having to go through this it can't be easy.
Unfortunately it's one of those things that some doctors don't understand and treatment varies so much from person to person.
I don't struggle with this issue however I do have a chronic pain/fatigue condition and also size issues when it comes to some men. So I got used to having the awkward conversation about my abilities.
We've found it's a great way to filter out unwanted people. We will openly discuss it and if people listen and respect my needs for things to be changed a little (not sure how else to phrase that) then we know they're the kind of people we want to play with.
If they continue to bring it up, take issue with it or ignore it entirely then we know to stay away.
Awkward conversation/moments happen regularly in this lifestyle but most of us are mature enough to chat about any issues and try to make the best experience for all involved. Thats what swinging is all about, ensuring everyone has the best time possible.
Good luck"Thank you, you're right, the people who won't /can't accept it aren't worth meeting. (though I end up so frustrated!) I just wish there was a magic tablet I could take to make it go away. I like watching ladies get well fucked in the club but I do get envious as well. | |||
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"So sorry and sad to hear of your condition.... just remember there's a lot more to you sexually than that that one or two square inches of your body that refuses to play ball xxx "Of course, but since losing my virginity 5 years ago, I now know what I was missing and it's something I want as often as I can get it. All the other stuff is great but I can't go the rest of my life without PIV now. | |||
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"Yawn..." You can just fuck right off | |||
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"I don’t suffer from that but I was diagnosed with something else. It was actually caused by sex so it was getting to the point that every time I had sex I was in pain for days after and bleeding and sore. The more that happened the less I wanted sex. Hard to get relaxed and horny knowing I would be crying in pain after it. It took a while and a lot of hospital/doctor’s appointments and me badgering the doctors that there was something wrong for it to get sorted but now I can have a flare up anytime for the rest of my life. So you have my sympathy. The one thing that occurred to me is I wonder if the brain changing therapy that can make people think they are chickens would help? To train your body not to tense up as much? " Oh hell that sounds awful chick though it sounds like you get periods of pain free? I hope so. X
Do you mean mindfulness therapy, hyp**therapy or cbt? I think I'll have to look up online courses for those, living rurally means there's not much nearby.
Thank you | |||
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"I don’t suffer from that but I was diagnosed with something else. It was actually caused by sex so it was getting to the point that every time I had sex I was in pain for days after and bleeding and sore. The more that happened the less I wanted sex. Hard to get relaxed and horny knowing I would be crying in pain after it. It took a while and a lot of hospital/doctor’s appointments and me badgering the doctors that there was something wrong for it to get sorted but now I can have a flare up anytime for the rest of my life. So you have my sympathy. The one thing that occurred to me is I wonder if the brain changing therapy that can make people think they are chickens would help? To train your body not to tense up as much? Oh hell that sounds awful chick though it sounds like you get periods of pain free? I hope so. X
Do you mean mindfulness therapy, hyp**therapy or cbt? I think I'll have to look up online courses for those, living rurally means there's not much nearby.
Thank you"Yep. Hopefully now the gaps between will be long And thank you And no the one I was thinking of began with an H but I can’t actually use the word on the forums Not ideal if your at a club but tantric might be worth looking into as that’s about training your body to relax I think | |||
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"Firstly my sympathies OP - have limited experience of it with a previous partner many years ago, nothing physically wrong with her and was resolved with some visits to Relate and a therapist there who gave exercises, tips etc that were designed to cause relaxation. As for how us guys would want to be told etc - just be as honest as you want to be about it, any guy that doesn't understand or is unwilling to meet under your terms was either not worth meeting, or will tell you just as sensitively as you told them. Obviously can understand the awkwardness of a club situation, and not wanting to get "biologically" descriptive there - perhaps just tell them you prefer soft play and are particularly sensitive so need to be gentle - again if they don't understand or choose not to take it further the above applies. " Ah, relate, thank you, another one to look up. I'm going to be busy!
The club is the only real place I get sex, soft play is a good option when there is no other option. | |||
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" Yep. Hopefully now the gaps between will be long And thank you And no the one I was thinking of began with an H but I can’t actually use the word on the forums Not ideal if your at a club but tantric might be worth looking into as that’s about training your body to relax I think " Ah is it similar to the h word I used with the ** in it? Yes tantric would be fab I think, I'd need a localish willing friend for that. | |||
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"Yawn... You can just fuck right off" This is exactly what I wanted to put! | |||
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"Firstly my sympathies OP - have limited experience of it with a previous partner many years ago, nothing physically wrong with her and was resolved with some visits to Relate and a therapist there who gave exercises, tips etc that were designed to cause relaxation. As for how us guys would want to be told etc - just be as honest as you want to be about it, any guy that doesn't understand or is unwilling to meet under your terms was either not worth meeting, or will tell you just as sensitively as you told them. Obviously can understand the awkwardness of a club situation, and not wanting to get "biologically" descriptive there - perhaps just tell them you prefer soft play and are particularly sensitive so need to be gentle - again if they don't understand or choose not to take it further the above applies. Ah, relate, thank you, another one to look up. I'm going to be busy!
The club is the only real place I get sex, soft play is a good option when there is no other option. "Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things " Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week "Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable "Good thinking. I need to change my approach. | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable
Good thinking. I need to change my approach. "Or a couple and she can wear the perfect sized strap on | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable
Good thinking. I need to change my approach.
Or a couple and she can wear the perfect sized strap on "I had a friend who did that actually and it was great!! Good memories that night | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable
Good thinking. I need to change my approach. "Beats walking round with a tape measure round your neck | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable
Good thinking. I need to change my approach.
Or a couple and she can wear the perfect sized strap on
I had a friend who did that actually and it was great!! Good memories that night "Find one that works for you and take it with you | |||
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" Relate you had to pay for but it was more a suggested donation kind of thing. Think you'll be surprised how many guys would be happy with a "soft play" situation too - while I enjoy penetrative with the right person at the right time, it's not the be all and end all for me, and I get as much if not more pleasure from other things Soft play is great but when I get all horny I want fucking into next week
Well maybe start off as soft play but tell any potential partners that more might be on the cards if you feel comfortable
Good thinking. I need to change my approach.
Beats walking round with a tape measure round your neck "sure does! | |||
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" Or a couple and she can wear the perfect sized strap on I had a friend who did that actually and it was great!! Good memories that night
Find one that works for you and take it with you "Good thinking, I'll more than likely do that! | |||
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"I can relate to this as I have a hystory of vulvodynia. It started out of nowhere when intercourse became painful with my first sexual partner after about a year with him. Same partner but out of nowhere it became painful every time during penetration. I'm sensitive in general but everything was great until then and then it wasn't. I cannot tell you how frustrating and upsetting it was to feel ready for PIV and not to be able to do it. It lasted for a good few years, I saw different doctors and there didn't seem to be any cause, I didn't even know there was a name for this condition until I read some articles years down the line. Later in life it got a bit better and especially in the last three years with my kinky partners. I still cannot last very long and have to take a moment to adjust at first but it has become so much better as to be pretty much OK. I tend to tell people that I am very sensitive and when first penetrating I ask for them to stay still for a minute and let me get used to it, that usually works. It is still a bit frustrating that I can't just have sex willy nilly and time consuming to vet people (this is also combined with the fact that I am very risk averse) but the right people understand and I have great sex every time. Not as often as I would like to but I would rather have less but great sex than more but mediocre or worse. I also tend to gravitate towards men who love female pleasure so that really helps. " Oh girl, I'm pleased to read you've had a better time more recently. I do feel you about being ready for PIV only for body to say no. On the penetration I have to do that as well, it's a case of millimeter by millimeter, wait, ok, wait again. 
It certainly is time consuming to vet people and I have kinda gone off doing that and ended up not playing at all at the club. I guess I'll be putting my big girl pants on and have to start the task again, to get who I need.
This thread has helped me in ways I wasn't thinking of and I appreciate all (apart from one up there) of your thoughtful inputs.
When we are released and the clubs open again I hope to be a more assertive person to get some more action! | |||
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"Also I found that getting the doctors to take me seriously was a nightmare. It took me going in every few weeks for like a year and so many tests before they referred me to the hospital and then was diagnosed on that appointment. I just wish they had listened to me from the start " It's bad that you've gotta fight for treatments or even diagnosis. We know our bodies! I have the diagnosis on my records so maybe I'll ask the doctor about therapy, but covid is such a real ballache with getting to see physicians in person these days. So many people must be suffering in so many ways I might wait to do that actually. | |||
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"I can relate to this as I have a hystory of vulvodynia. It started out of nowhere when intercourse became painful with my first sexual partner after about a year with him. Same partner but out of nowhere it became painful every time during penetration. I'm sensitive in general but everything was great until then and then it wasn't. I cannot tell you how frustrating and upsetting it was to feel ready for PIV and not to be able to do it. It lasted for a good few years, I saw different doctors and there didn't seem to be any cause, I didn't even know there was a name for this condition until I read some articles years down the line. Later in life it got a bit better and especially in the last three years with my kinky partners. I still cannot last very long and have to take a moment to adjust at first but it has become so much better as to be pretty much OK. I tend to tell people that I am very sensitive and when first penetrating I ask for them to stay still for a minute and let me get used to it, that usually works. It is still a bit frustrating that I can't just have sex willy nilly and time consuming to vet people (this is also combined with the fact that I am very risk averse) but the right people understand and I have great sex every time. Not as often as I would like to but I would rather have less but great sex than more but mediocre or worse. I also tend to gravitate towards men who love female pleasure so that really helps. Oh girl, I'm pleased to read you've had a better time more recently. I do feel you about being ready for PIV only for body to say no. On the penetration I have to do that as well, it's a case of millimeter by millimeter, wait, ok, wait again.
It certainly is time consuming to vet people and I have kinda gone off doing that and ended up not playing at all at the club. I guess I'll be putting my big girl pants on and have to start the task again, to get who I need.
This thread has helped me in ways I wasn't thinking of and I appreciate all (apart from one up there) of your thoughtful inputs.
When we are released and the clubs open again I hope to be a more assertive person to get some more action! "Yes, I also blocked that wanker! Vetting is time consuming for sure but I find it to be worth it because it increases the chances of play so there is a result at the end of all that effort. Eventually
It is not dissimilar to dating - plenty of times when things go nowhere but it can be great when it does. I think there is also an element of assessing the situation, assessing your options and working within it as well as keeping your own expectations in check. There have been so many times when I went to a club and it did not lead to a tangible "result" but I thought about it an set my mind to appreciate what is there than what isn't. Of course, personally I mainly go to kink clubs so I feel like I have so many more options - I know for a fact that if I cannot find more full-on play, the minimum I can get is a foot massage and that's already great. Add to that attention and seeing friends and having interesting conversations and we are in for a good time. Best times in terms of play for me have been either when I arranged it in advance with a trusted play partner or when I went with very low expectations and had an unexpected adventure.
One way or another, we have to put that effort and I think it goes for everyone. I find it very naive when some men whine about women having it easy and think to myself, duderino - you have no idea. It is different of course but it is all work. Emotional labour is as much work as anything, looking after your safety is exhausting etc etc. But those moments when you are there, surrounded by people who get you, feeling a part of it, feeling RIGHT - they are so worth it. | |||
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" Yes, I also blocked that wanker! Vetting is time consuming for sure but I find it to be worth it because it increases the chances of play so there is a result at the end of all that effort. Eventually
It is not dissimilar to dating - plenty of times when things go nowhere but it can be great when it does. I think there is also an element of assessing the situation, assessing your options and working within it as well as keeping your own expectations in check. There have been so many times when I went to a club and it did not lead to a tangible "result" but I thought about it an set my mind to appreciate what is there than what isn't. Of course, personally I mainly go to kink clubs so I feel like I have so many more options - I know for a fact that if I cannot find more full-on play, the minimum I can get is a foot massage and that's already great. Add to that attention and seeing friends and having interesting conversations and we are in for a good time. Best times in terms of play for me have been either when I arranged it in advance with a trusted play partner or when I went with very low expectations and had an unexpected adventure.
One way or another, we have to put that effort and I think it goes for everyone. I find it very naive when some men whine about women having it easy and think to myself, duderino - you have no idea. It is different of course but it is all work. Emotional labour is as much work as anything, looking after your safety is exhausting etc etc. But those moments when you are there, surrounded by people who get you, feeling a part of it, feeling RIGHT - they are so worth it. "Thank you for your reply. Yes I think I need to put more in to get more out. Especially because of my needs. It really is hard work, but when things are looking like they'll open again I'll redo my profile as best I can to help the cause. I've become rather unsociable of late, and I've found first hand that just turning up isn't going to get me results. Of course I 100% enjoy every visit because I get to see my sexy friends, have a great night out dressed up and down in fab company and get to perve a lot. I really miss my friends and making new ones. Omg it's so not easy for the women on here, I hear ya, so many other things to consider other than just if he's willing that's why I only meet new people at the club for safety. I don't even think there'd be much time to play on the first night coz of all the catching up needed to be done!
You talk really good sense I'm thankful for your reply. Xx | |||
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it took me forever to actually get a diagnosis from a doctor first I got put on antibiotics for PID that made me really sick turns out the tests they did came back negative anyway..
I did manage to get a referral to a sex therapist I'd see her fornightly before covid, I can enjoy sex with the right person but if I don't know them well enough I just stick to soft play and no fingers I don't like it lol
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I do hope you manage it | |||
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"I have this and it is so frustrating it took me forever to actually get a diagnosis from a doctor first I got put on antibiotics for PID that made me really sick turns out the tests they did came back negative anyway..
I did manage to get a referral to a sex therapist I'd see her fornightly before covid, I can enjoy sex with the right person but if I don't know them well enough I just stick to soft play and no fingers I don't like it lol
"I'm so glad that worked for you and you do enjoy sex! There is hope! | |||
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"I am not going to presume what happened in your past, but I have read the whole thread and can see that so far an psychology/counselling has not helped with physical issue (fully). I suspect what is happening is a fear switch in the brain is triggered anytime you even think about it due to really only knowing it to be painful. psyche is more powerful than given credit for). I think you actually doing a dis service to yourself only playing in clubs (although I get the safety aspect) because you are constantly on edge about having to explain yourself, find the right one, FOMO, pressure on yourself and abilty to perform etc it all plays back into that sub conscious psyche of "I can't". the more you feed it the deeper seated it becomes and due to it being a psychical pain response, counselling itself wont help. sometimes a little pain is needed to push past it (which sounds like you millimeter to millimeter method). you've said a sex therapist gave you tasks to do, but from seeing some people with injury recoveries some do not complete them because of the pain, its too much which is actually to their detriment in the long term. (not saying you did this but sometimes when working on own & no therapist support to encourage, the motivation lapses) I think what would work best for you is to reach out down the tantric route first and get yourself comfortable with being around someone who might touch to, going to being lightly touched with no pressures for anything to go further, working to soft play and a almost tease factor of touch and withdrawal, hopefully re teaching your brain that a touch isn't painful, increasing as sessions progress. I found this is pretty much the same for male penis injuries, they ignore that these are muscles and just like any other muscle there are both psychology (fear) and physical meaning the need both therapies. As far as I can tell there is no official physiotherapy for sex organs other than "shove a dildo in it" or "take Viagra", neither are good (tv op exception) as they don't solve the root cause. I've dealt with similar twice, both in men, one after testicular cancer (total recovery) and another who had his cock broke (cock medically has all functions, head still fears the penetration). I have a tight cunt and do need warmed up sometimes (most of time actually) and it has been known to play Chinese finger cuffs with a cock...don't try to force yourself out, make me laugh, cough, sneeze or otherwise you'll get a squashed dick, just sit there for 5 & it will relax and let go. False Evidence Appearing Real this is a long process for you still dear I do hope you manage it "Thank you for your response. My trigger for this won't be something that most people presume but was very traumatic. And although I know what it is now as an adult and I know it's not going to happen again I guess my brain just goes on autopilot protection mode. Everything you say about only playing in the club is so true, it's only reinforcing the issue. My aim now once the clubs open again is to only go with soft play, as one finger is virtually no issue. I've come to that decision through reading the advice from this thread so thank you to everyone. The fomo was what was driving me to try for more which mostly left me frustrated and sore. The little pain bit sometimes I could push past, sometimes not. And I've pushed too far sometimes when I shouldn't, potentially making it worse. Doc said what I'm feeling isn't pain but that my brain is turning it into pain. Sorry if tmi, but even a cock twitch inside me makes me cry out in pain. It's like a Chinese burn. The tantric route you describe is exactly what the doctor suggested to me. And I can see how it could work. I have a couple of fab friends I would meet outside of the club, however it would be a big ask for them to help me in this way. Wow I didn't realise men could have similar problems, thank you for enlightening me. I have a lot to work on to get where I'd like to be, and I'm pretty positive I could have a better experience if I work on it more from all the advice given so far. Thank you so much x | |||
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"I have this and it is so frustrating it took me forever to actually get a diagnosis from a doctor first I got put on antibiotics for PID that made me really sick turns out the tests they did came back negative anyway..
I did manage to get a referral to a sex therapist I'd see her fornightly before covid, I can enjoy sex with the right person but if I don't know them well enough I just stick to soft play and no fingers I don't like it lol
I'm so glad that worked for you and you do enjoy sex! There is hope! "I can enjoy it once I get past the first penetration it hurts but pain fades and turns into pleasure my partner knows how to make me relax and takes his time with me | |||
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"oh anti immflamatories (ibroproen) might help , you could take them an hour before activities (don't rush its no miracle) which may allow some of the pain to subside. my only warning would be don't rely on it, use it only as part of the healing/recovery process. " Great idea however I can't take ibu tablets. | |||
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"I have this and it is so frustrating it took me forever to actually get a diagnosis from a doctor first I got put on antibiotics for PID that made me really sick turns out the tests they did came back negative anyway..
I did manage to get a referral to a sex therapist I'd see her fornightly before covid, I can enjoy sex with the right person but if I don't know them well enough I just stick to soft play and no fingers I don't like it lol
I'm so glad that worked for you and you do enjoy sex! There is hope!
I can enjoy it once I get past the first penetration it hurts but pain fades and turns into pleasure my partner knows how to make me relax and takes his time with me "yes, this is it, it's the getting in that's the problem and the first few minutes. You've got a good partner there. X | |||
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"I cant see many men getting upset due to being told their girth is too big. However being told your small isnt usually a good thing especially on a site like this where alot of people are asking for vwe or 8in+ etc etc. There are men here that suffer from ed, physical and psychological causes who would appreciate no pressure no penetration meets. " Yes, I think by going for soft play it's going to up the chances of having some fun rather than nothing. | |||
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"Listened to a podcast recently - I weigh with Jameela Jamil and she had Dr Jen Gunter on, who wrote The Vagina Bible. She suggests that vaginismus is an overactive pelvic floor and through physiotherapy can be treated. " Just listening to this now. I nicked a line for my profile that made me laugh | |||
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"Listened to a podcast recently - I weigh with Jameela Jamil and she had Dr Jen Gunter on, who wrote The Vagina Bible. She suggests that vaginismus is an overactive pelvic floor and through physiotherapy can be treated. " Yes that could be for some, she said it could also be caused by trauma (which mine is) and other things. Sure, physical treatment can be used if it's possible but I think it's a much more complicated process on a case by case basis. Thank you for sharing the podcast, I enjoyed it. | |||
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"So sorry you’re suffering this way...may have missed it in the thread but you mention trauma but not if it was physical or psychological. Sounds like you relax more when you feel safe and trusting...so you need people who are tender, patient and gentle...be discerning as you deserve the best x"Hello , thank you for the response. It was physical medical trauma from birth to age 6. I do relax more with people I know but even then sometimes it's just not possible. | |||
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