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A woman’s advice needed

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My gf is pretty closed up about her fantasies. Whenever I approach the subject of what things we could try I can almost hear the walls go up and she goes on a major defensive, often resulting in the conversation getting awkward and killing the mood.

She’s said in the past that she fantasises about being with other guys, so I’m open to exploring this more but if ever I start leading a conversation about it I get shut down quickly, like she can see me coming from a mile off that I suggest we at least talk about it more. I’m wanting to explore more fantasies and am more interested in what turns her on than myself, but I’m stuck with what to do if I can’t even talk to her about what she likes.

Any women on here able to offer any advice? Or help me understand why there’s so much of a block for her?

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By *LIRTWITHUSCouple
over a year ago

Chester

Try just talking fantasies whilst having hot sex together, we enjoy this. Not everyone wants or can cope with acting them out, jealousy etc

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Try just talking fantasies whilst having hot sex together, we enjoy this. Not everyone wants or can cope with acting them out, jealousy etc"

Yeah that’s also a part I’m struggling with - she won’t even talk about it. I only managed to get the basic headlines of what she’s into but she won’t talk about it, not even during sex.

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By *LIRTWITHUSCouple
over a year ago

Chester


"Try just talking fantasies whilst having hot sex together, we enjoy this. Not everyone wants or can cope with acting them out, jealousy etc

Yeah that’s also a part I’m struggling with - she won’t even talk about it. I only managed to get the basic headlines of what she’s into but she won’t talk about it, not even during sex. "

There's your answer then

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London

Seems she's told you over and over about her thoughts.

She'll soon get tired of you bringing the subject up and clam up altogether.

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley

The best advice is, leave her the fuck alone, she's made it clear she doesn't want to pursue it. It seems like this is more for your benefit than hers.

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By *ady LickWoman
over a year ago

Northampton Somewhere

'Whenever I approach the subject', I don't know sounds to me like you've mentioned it a lot. Maybe she's fed up with you banging on about it and would rather it happened slowly and organically?

How long have you been together? How old is she?

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By *otstuffbabeCouple
over a year ago

Bolton

She has her own profile on here and seems to be having a whale of a time!

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By *wist my nipplesCouple
over a year ago

North East Scotland, mostly

You say in your profile that you’re basically here for your girlfriend - today seems to be at odds with your post OP. Does she know about your profile? Anyways, agree with all the above - it seems that whilst she’s maybe expressed some notions in the past, she’s no longer interested and that would seem to me to be that. Mr.

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By *oublethefunMan
over a year ago

royston

Why not blindfold her and ask her to fantasies about her inner thoughts but keep them to herself while making love. If she enjoys this then maybe at a later date she may feel more comfortable in telling you. Some fantasies are best left just as that as reality can be a poor outcome.!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

It’s always difficult to measure tone when it’s written but seems like some pretty big and unfair assumptions are being made about me here. I don’t ‘bang on about it’, I just wonder why it’s such a hard time discussing literally anything beyond basic vanilla to the point we both end up slightly awkward. I’m here trying to talk things out when I know a lot of guys would just simply play away if they felt uncomfortable approaching talk about sex at home. It’s definitely opened my eyes to how some women on here are actually quite spiteful of anything men do. The advice I’m reading here is - he tries to talk, he’s an arsehole, he cheats because she won’t talk, he’s an arsehole.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Why not blindfold her and ask her to fantasies about her inner thoughts but keep them to herself while making love. If she enjoys this then maybe at a later date she may feel more comfortable in telling you. Some fantasies are best left just as that as reality can be a poor outcome.!!!! "

Thanks for the only useful response. I’ll certainly give that a try

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"It’s always difficult to measure tone when it’s written but seems like some pretty big and unfair assumptions are being made about me here. I don’t ‘bang on about it’, I just wonder why it’s such a hard time discussing literally anything beyond basic vanilla to the point we both end up slightly awkward. I’m here trying to talk things out when I know a lot of guys would just simply play away if they felt uncomfortable approaching talk about sex at home. It’s definitely opened my eyes to how some women on here are actually quite spiteful of anything men do. The advice I’m reading here is - he tries to talk, he’s an arsehole, he cheats because she won’t talk, he’s an arsehole. "

You've tried to talk, she doesn't want to discuss it, you've got your answer, you just don't like it.

How the hell did you get women are spiteful of anything men do? You're hassling her about something she's not comfortable talking about, you don't deserve a medal for not cheating when you don't get your own way. I wonder how your gf would feel about you having an account on here.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"You say in your profile that you’re basically here for your girlfriend - today seems to be at odds with your post OP. Does she know about your profile? Anyways, agree with all the above - it seems that whilst she’s maybe expressed some notions in the past, she’s no longer interested and that would seem to me to be that. Mr. "

Maybe it’s just that. I wish she’d just tell me that though instead of nothing at all. Makes me feel pretty insecure or like it’s something wrong with me when literally all conversation is off the table

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"You say in your profile that you’re basically here for your girlfriend - today seems to be at odds with your post OP. Does she know about your profile? Anyways, agree with all the above - it seems that whilst she’s maybe expressed some notions in the past, she’s no longer interested and that would seem to me to be that. Mr.

Maybe it’s just that. I wish she’d just tell me that though instead of nothing at all. Makes me feel pretty insecure or like it’s something wrong with me when literally all conversation is off the table"

She has told you by refusing to discuss it.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"It’s always difficult to measure tone when it’s written but seems like some pretty big and unfair assumptions are being made about me here. I don’t ‘bang on about it’, I just wonder why it’s such a hard time discussing literally anything beyond basic vanilla to the point we both end up slightly awkward. I’m here trying to talk things out when I know a lot of guys would just simply play away if they felt uncomfortable approaching talk about sex at home. It’s definitely opened my eyes to how some women on here are actually quite spiteful of anything men do. The advice I’m reading here is - he tries to talk, he’s an arsehole, he cheats because she won’t talk, he’s an arsehole.

You've tried to talk, she doesn't want to discuss it, you've got your answer, you just don't like it.

How the hell did you get women are spiteful of anything men do? You're hassling her about something she's not comfortable talking about, you don't deserve a medal for not cheating when you don't get your own way. I wonder how your gf would feel about you having an account on here."

I’m not hassling her, FFS. Why is that the assumption? I posted this in the first place because I wanted constructive help or advice because I already know my previous attempts at conversation haven’t worked and I precisely DON’T want to pester her about it. That’s the point! Based on the accusatory tone of some of the responses it’s left me feeling more prickly about it than anything. Cheers for that.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"She has her own profile on here and seems to be having a whale of a time!"

Is this true??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 09/07/20 15:50:20]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"It’s always difficult to measure tone when it’s written but seems like some pretty big and unfair assumptions are being made about me here. I don’t ‘bang on about it’, I just wonder why it’s such a hard time discussing literally anything beyond basic vanilla to the point we both end up slightly awkward. I’m here trying to talk things out when I know a lot of guys would just simply play away if they felt uncomfortable approaching talk about sex at home. It’s definitely opened my eyes to how some women on here are actually quite spiteful of anything men do. The advice I’m reading here is - he tries to talk, he’s an arsehole, he cheats because she won’t talk, he’s an arsehole. "

You are bang on the money with your post there.

Lots of assumptions and criticism as soon as a man even suggests a female may not be very forthcoming.

It's always assumed it's the man's fault, yet it must be 50% of the time it won't be.

I've long stopped looking for advice here I'm afraid.

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By *opsy RogersWoman
over a year ago

London


"You say in your profile that you’re basically here for your girlfriend - today seems to be at odds with your post OP. Does she know about your profile? Anyways, agree with all the above - it seems that whilst she’s maybe expressed some notions in the past, she’s no longer interested and that would seem to me to be that. Mr.

Maybe it’s just that. I wish she’d just tell me that though instead of nothing at all. Makes me feel pretty insecure or like it’s something wrong with me when literally all conversation is off the table"

You're making this about you and your needs and wants. She has clearly expressed her feelings yet you continue to choose to ignore them.

Leave her alone and concentrate on other aspects of your relationship because if the sex isn't right, there will be other things.

The women here are telling you from a woman's point of view because we have experienced it.

Try writing to her, look up communication in relationships and just be a loving, supportive partner.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I have always foubd a letter to be best as it helps the writer organise their thoughts, and the recipient to take it in and reply without pressure. It's always been a good experience.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Why not blindfold her and ask her to fantasies about her inner thoughts but keep them to herself while making love. If she enjoys this then maybe at a later date she may feel more comfortable in telling you. Some fantasies are best left just as that as reality can be a poor outcome.!!!! "

Love this idea xxxx

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"It’s always difficult to measure tone when it’s written but seems like some pretty big and unfair assumptions are being made about me here. I don’t ‘bang on about it’, I just wonder why it’s such a hard time discussing literally anything beyond basic vanilla to the point we both end up slightly awkward. I’m here trying to talk things out when I know a lot of guys would just simply play away if they felt uncomfortable approaching talk about sex at home. It’s definitely opened my eyes to how some women on here are actually quite spiteful of anything men do. The advice I’m reading here is - he tries to talk, he’s an arsehole, he cheats because she won’t talk, he’s an arsehole.

You've tried to talk, she doesn't want to discuss it, you've got your answer, you just don't like it.

How the hell did you get women are spiteful of anything men do? You're hassling her about something she's not comfortable talking about, you don't deserve a medal for not cheating when you don't get your own way. I wonder how your gf would feel about you having an account on here.

I’m not hassling her, FFS. Why is that the assumption? I posted this in the first place because I wanted constructive help or advice because I already know my previous attempts at conversation haven’t worked and I precisely DON’T want to pester her about it. That’s the point! Based on the accusatory tone of some of the responses it’s left me feeling more prickly about it than anything. Cheers for that."

If she has already refused to talk about it and you keep bringing it up, you are hassling her. She doesn't want to discuss it, she's made that perfectly clear.

I've been in this situation and got pressured into something that I didn't want to do, he did exactly what you're doing, kept bringing it up until I gave in. It's bullying and coercion, don't try to pretend you're doing it for her because every post you've made sounds like it's all about what you want.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ooops. Looks like OP has gone UNLOS.

Shame, he wanted help and advice.

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place! "

To be fair, it was just about what he wanted. Nobody should be pressured into doing something they don't want to.

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By *LIRTWITHUSCouple
over a year ago

Chester


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

To be fair, it was just about what he wanted. Nobody should be pressured into doing something they don't want to. "

Sussed as not true story

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place! "

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight "

I gave him advice, to leave her alone. Would you like it if your partner kept bringing up something that made you uncomfortable?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight

I gave him advice, to leave her alone. Would you like it if your partner kept bringing up something that made you uncomfortable? "

No but you don't know their relationship.

You don't know them.

You don't know him.

You don't know her.

Same as me. I would have given constructive advice rather than project my own experiences and issues onto someone. Male or female. This is an advice thread. If we can't help people when they ask for help how can we make Fab and swinging better for everyone?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight "

Shame!

Thought he'd get loads of help about his communication issues....

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight

I gave him advice, to leave her alone. Would you like it if your partner kept bringing up something that made you uncomfortable?

No but you don't know their relationship.

You don't know them.

You don't know him.

You don't know her.

Same as me. I would have given constructive advice rather than project my own experiences and issues onto someone. Male or female. This is an advice thread. If we can't help people when they ask for help how can we make Fab and swinging better for everyone? "

I was helping him, by telling him to stop bringing it up.

Everyone forms advice from their own experiences, how else would you advise someone? I refuse to pretend that he was being a caring bf when he clearly wasn't, I say things very bluntly, either here or in person, I offered him advice based on the limited information he gave, and I stand by the advice I gave.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight

Shame!

Thought he'd get loads of help about his communication issues....

"

He probably would have but unfortunately the negative comments tend to stand out more than the positive ones.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Shit that's finished the OP off for good....

Wow this place!

Right? If people ask for help and/or advice and all they get are insults and accusations no wonder people, especially single men, get disillusioned and may act like idiots as a result. We should all help where we can, especially in these times #loveandlight

I gave him advice, to leave her alone. Would you like it if your partner kept bringing up something that made you uncomfortable?

No but you don't know their relationship.

You don't know them.

You don't know him.

You don't know her.

Same as me. I would have given constructive advice rather than project my own experiences and issues onto someone. Male or female. This is an advice thread. If we can't help people when they ask for help how can we make Fab and swinging better for everyone?

I was helping him, by telling him to stop bringing it up.

Everyone forms advice from their own experiences, how else would you advise someone? I refuse to pretend that he was being a caring bf when he clearly wasn't, I say things very bluntly, either here or in person, I offered him advice based on the limited information he gave, and I stand by the advice I gave. "

Great.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well done folks.

I once posted about my wife going off sex.

I got loads of abuse and blame d for everything, and it came entirely from females " sticking up for her" for want of a better description.

I wasn't being bitter, judgemental, accusatory or down on her, but that's what I received from members of this forum.

It's hugely dissapointing but then and empty vessel often makes the most noise.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Well done folks.

I once posted about my wife going off sex.

I got loads of abuse and blame d for everything, and it came entirely from females " sticking up for her" for want of a better description.

I wasn't being bitter, judgemental, accusatory or down on her, but that's what I received from members of this forum.

It's hugely dissapointing but then and empty vessel often makes the most noise."

Oh well, what can ya do? Chins up, tits out!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Quite! X

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley

I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear. "

good job

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear. "

Perhaps try something non confrontational and obnoxious?

Have you actually read your posts? You wade straight in with negativity and keep on at it.

There were some valid points earlier and one really quite useful bit of advice from a couple, but yours was just useless.

And if you didn't want to hear that, never mind, I'll try and post stuff you want to hear next time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well, the poor guy is UNLOS now so no point carrying on is there?

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear.

Perhaps try something non confrontational and obnoxious?

Have you actually read your posts? You wade straight in with negativity and keep on at it.

There were some valid points earlier and one really quite useful bit of advice from a couple, but yours was just useless.

And if you didn't want to hear that, never mind, I'll try and post stuff you want to hear next time. "

He asked for advice, I gave it. I told him to stop bringing it up. That was mine and others advice for him. Just because it wasn't what he wanted, doesn't make it wrong.

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By *entleman JayMan
over a year ago

Wakefield

A lot of “vanilla” ladies who have fantasies are quite happy to keep them as fantasies.

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By *ablo minibar123Woman
over a year ago

.


"I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear. "

Dont you dare, if people cant handle others opinions and true advice, then why bother asking in the first place grrr

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By *eeleyWoman
over a year ago

Dudley


"I'll remember next time to only give advice that the OP wants to hear.

Dont you dare, if people cant handle others opinions and true advice, then why bother asking in the first place grrr"

Oh I won't, I was being sarcastic.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm not female of course but I am often called upon to do a massage for those circumstances. It seems to break the ice.

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