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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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Now, this post is going to be quite controversial, I am not saying this as a truth but it is a perspective that I have worked over these past 18 months in my spare time. Love,. Love apparently makes the world go round, people have murdered for what we know of love if you loved me you would not cheat, if we love each other we can get through anything right? In the 3 relationships I have had I did at times believe we would grow old together, however, this feeling was always short lived and I knew probably long before I ended it that this partner was not the one for me, even on my wedding day I kept saying to my best friend “If there wasn't divorce I would no way be doing this.
For a good time I used to see being in a relationship some form of weakness I have witnessed people changing into someone different pre the relationship starting, I have currently fallen out with my sister because of this and for a time I did not like my best friend, perhaps this was some form of jealousy in my subconscious mind?
I am now at a place where I am happy for them both and others, that said I find conversations difficult where they are telling me the problems in their relationship yet they do nothing about it, I am always that awful person who says for fuck sake why not just get rid and the answer always is,"It because I love him/her."
During my time of being a practising Social Scientist and now, I began to research human nature amongst Bowlby and Schaffer and Emerson's attachment theory also Freud and other philosophers. It was during this time I came across an article by Sydney James, he argues that;
“What we know of “love” or a “relationship” falls short of a priori truth nor knowledge acquired via experiencing emotion. While popularly understood as something emotive and something that actually exists (ie. discovered not created), the notion of love is in fact purely a social construct that consists of ideals perpetuated by mass media and exist as societal norms."
For one, why has fidelity been inextricably tied to love? Why is it that I can’t love two men equally without being denigrated as unfaithful? Does that deny the validity of my “love”? It seems nothing more than a construct to ensure social order, like the sanctity of matrimony, aimed at the simplification of legal dispute refinances, property, maintenance of children etc that would arise with polyamory or polygamy. Nonetheless, we are taught to believe that somebody who truly loves you must give you everything you want – time, attention and patience – and give it to you and you only (2015).
I flirted with this for a while yet came to the conclusion that it would dispel my thoughts of the love I have for my children, yet as time has progressed I have begun to wonder if it is more of an attachment theory in opposed to love “Attachment is a deep emotional bond that connects one person to another across time and space” (Ainsworth 1973; Bowlby 1969). Love as Dr Needer defines such is “Caring about the health, well-being and happiness of another person to a greater degree than your own health well-being and happiness” conversely if someone says “If you love me you would…” stated by Dr Northorpe that this is not loving.
I have seen this action so many times in so many different relationships and during my observations I have come to witness that it is mainly the woman who displays “Love” I have come to the conclusion that this is because of our damn ovaries and the chemicals released in a woman after engaging in intercourse with a man and so because a man does not release this chemical reaction his attachment is not there. However, the definition of love is true towards my children. Therefore I could also throw in the theory of Freud here whereby no female is straight and that they are in fact gay or bisexual.
The love, if there is such a thing, that I daydream about is the love that is explained in the Bible (bare with me here)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 New International Version states;
"4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts always hopes and always perseveres."
So from my Jesus loving days these words have always been ingrained in my soul and every relationship or situation I have been in with a partner, I have always measured them and myself to these words.This also leaves the question of can you love like a romantic sexual love or is the only true love the one you have for your children? I conclude that I would rather no, nor id the part settle for something whereby I am always wanting more and striving for something that even the other does not believe, I would never ever want to change a person unless it was for the better and greater good of their character.
"It is what it is
We fuck because
it's easier than giving a fuck.
Emotionless lust
Is much easier
then whatever the fuck
Love is."
-Queen N of poetry-
Any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated, I love other peoples perspectives due to my Social Scientist Education and I always enjoy the challenge it gives my mindset.
Thanks for reading
Ms-May
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