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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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He immediately struck as a peculiar figure. An aged punk. A tamed rebel. A conformist. Had age brought this upon him? Had he just changed? Questions that passed from lip to lip amongst the audience. A bald head, pierced spectacularly, dazzling beneath the sky lights was the only clear evidence that Signor Jon Tomas was slouched at the podium in front of a rabble of spectators. Insignificant and anonymous would have been two words not out of place here. His head barely poked out from its pink roll neck collar. Small, dishevelled looking and holding onto the last hair of his youth, it would be fair to say that Signor Jon Tomas was in the early years of old age. His eye narrowed in the light, and a quiet introduction shushed the din into silence..
"As once supreme head of state, i have been chosen as an ideal spokeswilly to share the shame and embarrassment of many in this room, i too know what it is like to fall from Grace, Rebecca or Tiffany. Some of you have travelled far and near, incontinent and out in a bid to resurrect the glories of the past. Its funny, I look out from this stage and all i see is dejection. Heads hiding in collars, frames limp. I could smell the apathy and loneliness in here as you talked amongst yourself. I share that disappointment with you brothers and that is why i guarantee that after today's programme you will leave knowing there is hope and prospect. Now for some of you older heads, we can't all be Rod Stewart, you know what i'm saying? Age catches up with us but i'm sure after the sermons with Herr Claud Ock and Pat Ennis, you will see that we needn't retire quietly. For those who are lucky enough to be younger amongst us there will be aerobics sessions with
Bruno, counselling and adult films including a special appearance by me later on..(Crowd slaps off the wet floor)..thank-you. We are going to tackle self-esteem today, we are going to believe that we can do this, you can do this, that we will lift our heads high and sing once again to the sweet sound of music..Amen brothers. For some of you out there it's lack of confidence, for others its high demand..LuUcky you haha! (Crowd headbangs) Early morning issues too, Old age, the list goes on brothers. But luckily we have gathered an expert team,situated around the hotel in the various function suites, to deal with your issues"
Jon Tomas spoke at length to the group and flapped wildly in front of a powerpoint spitting wildly on the science behind erectile dysfunction. His mouth opened wide to take in air.."Brrruuuuuhhhnnnnoooo would you like to take over. Bruno will now commence the next bit of our afternoon." The crowd waved ecstatically from side to side and slapped themselves off walls and floors.
Sean, a young tously haired shaft from Fife, had attended the sermon after erectile problems in surprise early morning sessions. The change of routine had affected his performance and he enlisted at Flop camp in a bid to solve this troublesome issue. Sean flopped along to the noticeboard and scanned it.
Early morning libido - room 2 Dr Ick
The day passed with many members commenting on the dedication and humour of staff and their proffesionality in dealing with other burning issues like Chlamydia and Athlete's root. Once again everywilly found themshafts back in the hall and sat eagerly awaiting the motion picture of their guru Jon Tomas, acting in his prime with a wild foliage and heavy 80s synthesisers.
After the film, Jon Tomas sheepishly flapped upto the podium to a rapturous applause as balls thudded off chairs..."I'm sure you will agree that it has been an enjoyable and productive day, ideas were fertile and many matters raised over the course of the day...i no longer see the awkwardness amongst cumrades in the audience and i detect a new vigour and confidence (here, here). I would say to you to go off and use this new found prowess and don't look back, take a knock or two but remember how to use that for the better good after today's session. But remember stay off alcohol, it is the only thing that cannot be helped"
Just at that point Jon Tomas headbutted a switch on the desk, an image flashed up on the giant screen of a beautifully toned lithe body of a woman wearing fine lingerie and staring out into the gathering with mesmerising green eyes and dark hair evocative of the dream woman.."Now the piece-de-resistance, will you please be upstanding for our anthem"
A tape recorder boomed off the amplifier and crackled as the opening riff of the song played in and thousands of members rose high and proud from their seats, eyes closed and belted out
'Her eyes they shone like diamonds. I thought her the queen of the land. And her hair it hung over her shoulder. Tied up with a black velvet band..'
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