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Part 4. Posted Saturday 24th June 2.30pm:
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Very quick recap. John is on the phone to my dad to see he is keeping me at his for the night, although John had said to me "the weekend". John has prior to the call stated to me his intention for him and I to be naked for 'a blether' where our nakedness would help him tell if I was fibbing (?????????). Perhaps might be good for you to scroll up and re-read chapter 3, depending on how long ago you read it. John has dad on speakerphone - quite a thing way back then - and dad isn't aware I am listening. Dad is pleading with John to make me use condoms when John takes me shagging (at this point, I had no idea where he got such a notion that John took me as his wingman when he was with women. To be clear........that NEVER happened). Much to my shock, out of nowhere so far as I was concerned, John has "wondered" with dad, what if I wasn't "the marrying kind". Dad misinterpreted that as the possibility of me "living in sin" - as it was called back then - with a lass and not getting married at that juncture. I sat open mouthed, heart bumping in my ears, as John clarified what he meant had was had dad and I had 'the conversation' about what if I wasn't straight..................................
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"He is", said dad, "and what conversation?"
"What if he wasn't?", pushed John, "the conversation that you would still love him if he wasn't straight"
"He IS", insisted dad.
"Would you still love him?"
There was no pause
"He's my boy", said dad again.
"Good", said John, "That's all I needed to hear. But let's be honest.............there would be a problem elsewhere in the household".
He of course meant mother.
"If he got a girl pregnant, she would never forgive him"
"I think she would", John said, "but that aint what I meant"
"No", said dad, "we've talked about it. She would want................"
"JESUS", said John, "well first of all, it aint her decision, it would be him and his bird who would decide, not either of you"
I frowned, then realised they were talking about 'termination'.
"Has he said to you he's not straight?" asked dad
"Nope", said John honestly.........(it had never come up in our conversations............ YET as it turned out. )
"I was trying to divert you from the shagging conversation", admitted John, "not very successfully. Backfired a bit. But it good to hear you would still love him if he was gay or bi. | could get him to suck my cock Would be handy when the girls are on the rag"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing!
"Knock yourself out mate", laughed dad, "if he doesnae knock you out himself for asking"
They both laughed yet again.
"There is a potential problem brewing", advised John
(?????????????????)
"Go on.............", said dad
"Yea, go ON!", I said silently.
"Ref Her indoors"
"Uh-huih?............."
"I know she is your darling, you love her to bits but this letting her get her own way all the time so you can have a quiet life is not sustainable. She and the lad are going to lock horns and YOU are going to have to make a decision............."
"I............"
"NO!, Let me finish! I am not saying she is a bad wife or bad mother. Fuck sake, look at how he has turned out. That's both of you. And I suspect him going to Uni is her far sightedness and support. I am NOT taking any of that away from her. He was always well turned out, brought up with manners as standard, she took time off work to go to every Christmas 'afternoon' production, even the one where he was a shepherd and managed to fluff his two lines"
(at that, John stuck his tongue out of me)
"Was that not because he was sacked / demoted?" asked dad, getting off topic. Probably deliberately but I was losing track as to what the 'topic' was.
"Pardon?", asked John
"A Shepherd with two lines. Remember the previous year. He was the Innkeeper........."
(I started blushing, I knew where this was going)
".... the one bloody time I wangled the afternoon off to go......... I had forgotten to take my camera so he was in the huff at no photo with his pals...........we get to the bit where Joseph and his 'bit up the duff' are asking for a room at the Inn and HE -- eight years old remember - says 'No. There aint. Now fuck off and take your tart and that manky four-legged thing with you off my property' "
"I don't remember THAT", gasped John
"That's because you were in hospital getting your appendix out", dad filled in the gaps.
I was studying my feet at this point.
"She'd have been in her element", suggested John, "I was SO humiliated...........", he mimicked.
Dad tutted
"Look", said John gently, "I'm saying this to you as a pal. He's a man now. Not a wee lad. Her way or the highway and making life hell until she gets her own way is not going to pass muster much longer. He aint you. He's not married to her. He doesn't have to put up with it and he won't. It's only a matter of scale and what trips it."
Just when I thought this call couldn't get any more bizarre!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and it was about to, even more).....John had in as many words just told dad he was pussy-whipped (a term I learned from the Forum mag). I had a minor panic that this call was their friendship at and end.
"She will blame you", suggested dad
"I can live with that", said John. "Look mate, I have already been QUITE clear that I'm not saying she is a bad person or a bad mother. Far from it. She is that horrible dichotomy of a decent person but a selfish attention seeking cow. And YOU go along with it for an easy life. We'd run out of fingers counting the 'incidents', the "oh everyone persuade me from not chucking my college course / ,my job" et-bloody-etcetera. Remember the difficulty you were in when she did her "I'm leaving" that job and her boss said "On you go then. No need to work your notice". For reasons I could never fathom that was YOUR fault for not being more supportive. But that's between you and her. Where I take issue is when it affects HIM and you swallow it like a good little puppy. Remember Bobby? His mate that went to Australia?"
"New Zealand", corrected dad, "and what about him?"
"What-fucking-EVER", snorted John, voice rising a bit, "......HE told me that she had told the lad IN FRONT OF BOBBY that he had held her back. She could have made something with her life if it hadn't been for him"
"She did WHAT?", stormed dad.
As angry as I was........ Bobby had told John no such thing. It was me who told him.
"Yea", said John, "makes you wonder what else she has said. But we both know what a lying conniving bitch she can be. I tolerate her for your sake and the lad's. I'm civil to her and take care when choosing her birthday and Christmas presents"
"She LOVED the flowers you took when she was in hospital", interrupted dad
"And no doubt managed to use them to compare you unfavourably to me", suggested John, ".........but the fact remains I will never forgive her. Ever. What I have done for your sake, and the lad's - and to an extent hers - is learn not to bear a grudge........."
(What the fucking hell was all this about?)
"........you know the trouble I could have caused............."
"........and you know how grateful I am..........", dad said
"It's in the past", said John, "and best left there. We have all moved on. But I won't stand by and let her............."
"I hear you..............", said dad, "can we leave it that I hear what you are saying and I am on it. I appreciate your bluntness. It's good we can talk like this. I'm not asking for details but I am by extension pleased, more than you can know, in my assumption that you have the same no-holds-barred conversations with buggerlugs"
"Noted", said John, "so long as you know I mean it. If I have to take sides............"
"I HEAR you", said dad, "and thank you"
"One last thing though..........."
"MUST you?..........." sighed dad. I agreed.
"Aye.........", said John, "the evil part of me wishes he is gay or bi............"
(Oh here we fucking go again!)
".......just so she would be affronted and humiliated"
"You are a TWAT", laughed dad.
So they were 'ok'. Phew
"You missed out 'malicious'", John offered
Dad sniggered.
"He's really lucky to have you John. As am I. But for him, I'm really grateful"
"Well, I don't have far to look to see where he gets his 'soppy git' from"
They both laughed. Needless to say, I didn't.
"Tell you what cobber", said John - all matey again - "he is something else. I love him to bits but sometimes he frightens me, I wouldn't want to meet him on a dark night"
"You and me both", said dad, "have you ever had 'the LOOK' ?"
"The one that burns right through you............." asked John
"Turns you to dust more like", suggested dad.
I was starting to get annoyed. REALLY annoyed. Then I remembered they were talking about me like I wasn't there because dad didn't know I was. In truth I was quite relieved all seemed to be ok between them.
"Have you had the quiet telling off?", asked dad
"Uh huh", said John, "don't go there. When he raises his voice during an argument, that's when I know I am winning. But when he has that quiet, incisive tone on.........."
"God, I never told you", began dad
Oh oh, what was this?
"Two week ago in the supermarket............."
Oh hell. I started blushing yet again. The stories were fair tumbling out tonight! And none of them in my favour. John raised an eyebrow. Even to this day, he is one of the few people I've seen with the ability to raise a single eyebrow. Yup, dear reader, you've just tried it and failed, haven't you?
".........a policeman collided with him. at force", blabbed dad, "........in one of his tones, he said 'watch where the fuck you are going why don't you, instead of ogling cheap pussy'. I near died. Even better..........the bloke APOLOGISED. The rest of us would do that British thing of apologising for being bumped in to. Not him. Didn't dare tell his mum."
"Can I?", teased John
I stopped myself just in time from bellowing "NO!"
"Don't you fucking dare!", laughed dad, "........I'll tell you what though mate. Intelligent as hell............. no fucking common sense"
"I think you are being a bit harsh", suggested John.
"You THINK?", asked dad, "Remember Josie's 50th?"
"Uh huh", said John, clocking my smirk
"WELL", said dad, "her aunt had made her a cake. Really nice but the icing went wrong on the Happy 50th or rather the top bit of the 5 dribbled down a bit squint. You saw it.............HE looked at the fucking cake and asked why it said "Happy goth'. I mean..........honest to Christ. Where does he GET that stupidity from?"
I tittered silently. .
"Tell me", said John, "once he said that, what did you see every time you looked at the cake?"
"Happy goth", said dad
"Thought so", said John.
"You mean........?"
"Uh huh"
"The little C*NT !", said dad. God I hate that word.
"He is outgrowing us fast", suggested John, "a fine young man and a credit to you both"
"He is and all that", said dad
I blushed again
"..........but you too mate. As I alluded earlier, you have been a great influence too. He adores you and won't ever outgrow you. We will have to make sure we are both in the same nursing home so that he not bouncing between us"
"Nursing home?", said John, "that will be right. We are moving in with him and he will wait on us hand and foot"
"What if we hate his wife?", asked dad, "I hope he marries someone who doesn't mind two old gits ogling her tits"
"We will spank her until she learns who is in charge", offered John
They sniggered.
"Perhaps you should try it with your missus", suggested John. I threw a cushion at him
"Fuck off", said dad, "how daft do I look.............. DON'T answer that!............. anyway. back to the topic in hand............... John, please. Condoms He will listen to you. He's adored you since he was in nappies. Following you around like a wee puppy, dragging that fucking teddy you bought him along the floor by the ear......calling you 'Don' before he could say it right."
John tittered
"............I'd be the dad conversation. Please John. Do this for me. Anyway, I don't want him catching anything. I know where you have been"
"Eh?" asked John annoyed
"I heard Marie blew you off because he wasn't with you"
"How did.........."
"Or didn't blow you.......OFF", dad tittered. "I was at the Chinese just after you collecting a phone order. Him behind the counter said I'd just missed you. He told me........."
John smirked and winked at me plus gave me the thumbs up. I didn't understand why.
"So, will you do this for me?" prodded dad
"On one condition", said John
"If he's gay I don't throw him out?"
"No", said John, "if that happened he could decamp here..........no........... this conversation didn't happen. You don't tell him, you don't hint"
"Agreed", said dad
"Here he comes", whispered John and winked at me.
I rolled my eyes.
"You manage to keep up with him?", asked dad suddenly.
"Ahem..............", began John
"He's a horny wee toad", confided dad, "if the not properly washed stains on his headboard and the wall are owt to go by. Not to mention the gonk"
My jaw hit the floor.
OH FOR FUCK SAKE........NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.. .....SHUT............UP!!!!!!!!
"The WHAT?" asked John
"The gonk", said dad, "one of those things you win at the carnival"
"I know what it is, I don't see how.............."
Before I go on, dear reader, I have to explain that gonks in those days were nothing like what they are now. Back then they were basically hard cardboard like the insides of a big toilet roll, fake fur - usually dark brown - with eyes glued on
"....well he has pulled the bottom off it, sellotaped the insides for the tacks so it doesn't rip his Toby. He puts a pillow up and down the way for a body / support, the gonk at the bottom of it, a towel underneath and then he slips in the hole at the bottom of the gonk and bangs one out. Quite ingenious. You should see the stains in the inside of the tube.
John covered his mouth and looked at me in delight / glee. Me, I thought I was gonna burst in to flames.
"You know this how?", asked John
"Last month, the earlier bus was late - if you see what I mean - so I got in earlier than normal and he was hard at it. He didn't hear me come in. I could see him in the hall mirror naked on the bed riding away. When I opened the front door and heard the bed creaking and him puffing away, I thought he had a lass in. But no, just him and his gonk. Tell you something mate, when he 'fired', he put his head back and grunted loud. At least 20, the lucky wee sod............"
"Not that you were counting", interrupted John
"............I had to let myself out and go back 20 minutes later by which time he was all cleaned up, looking innocent and had the tea on. I was almost sure I could smell it on him but that was probably just me knowing. I've seen him at it four times now........" ( I gasped) "..........but I bet it is every day, if not more than once. I got up for the loo the other night and he was all set up, pillow and gonk, banging one out on the floor so the bed didn't creak"
I thought I was going to pass out from embarrassment. John was trying not to end himself.
"Right", said John, "I take it you've got your dinner to have before your shag..........." (he stuck his tongue out at me), "and we have plans"
"Promise me John", said dad
John sighed, annoyed
"I've said 'yes'", he said irritably. (You might have noticed he had promised no such thing)
"You are a mate", said dad "and phone me when he's on his way home so that we're not at it when he comes in"
I held my head in my hands.
They said their goodbyes and hung up.
"What's wrong with YOU?", asked John, "you didn't think your mum and dad stopped shagging when you came along????"
"Shut UP", I demanded
"Why?", asked John, "thought you weren't allowed to be embarrassed about sex"
"I'm going for a pee", I said
When I returned, John was naked and holding a small knife.
"Get 'em off, gonkie" he demanded, "we both need to be naked for this"
I blinked rapidly in surprise then processed the bastard had just called me 'gonkie'. THAT would have to be nipped in the proverbial bud.
"Do you trust me?" asked John yet a-fucking-gain. This was getting tedious.
He flicked his hand with the knife in, in my direction.
"OFF............... please?"
"Fuck it", I thought and pulled my clothes off in five seconds flat
I stood there naked looking at John in a bit of defiance. Whilst at same time having a good ogle aware I had a semi which was in danger or growing longer and thicker.
He smiled and said, "you know what blood brothers are?"
It was on the tip of my tongue to say a joke that would get me flung off here.
"Twins", I offered
"That's eggs and only maybe", said John, "identical twins come from the same egg and sperm and are always same gender, fraternal twins are two eggs and two sperms and can be different gender"
"You missed out 'mirror' twins and it is sperm that is the plural........ 'sperm' is one of those nouns like salmon or aircraft always used in the singular including for a plural ", I said
"MIRROR?", John frowned, ignoring my grammar lesson.
"Yup. Their hair falls naturally on the opposite side of the head, their dominant hand is different and might even have the same birthmark on the other side to their twin"
"You talk some shite", suggested John, ".........me and my brother were identical ones".
"BROTHER ?", I asked shocked
"Yes"
"Where is he? Have I met him and you two c*nts have pretended it was always you?"
"He died", said John, offering no further explanation. Talk about wanting the ground to swallow you up, not to mention feeling a right ham. Didn't seem appropriate to prod.
"Blood brothers are bonded in blood", I suggested, "actually, now that I think about it from those old films we have watched............. is it not an American Indian thing where they slit their hands and clasp them together?"
"Well done", said John, using the knife to carve in to his hand. Not too deeply but enough to shock me at the speed he did it. I saw blood. Of course a little blood goes a long way. He was dribbling, not gushing.
He handed me the knife.
"Your turn.......... if you will have me"
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tbc
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