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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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This isn't mine, but the work of friend, and I know it doesn't technically count as a story, but its funny, and relates to a thread in the lounge. If I post it in there it won't be read as most of those heathens have the attention span of a goldfish with amnesia 
"And on the Sixth Day, God created the arse. He toiled night and day, shaping, sanding, buffing, drilling the odd hole. And He saw that it was good. It was soft, it looked good in rubber and you cold rest your head on it when you were tired. In fact, by the time He had finished,God was so happy He took His creation for a test drive in His private suite. Which is why most of the North of England appears to be unfinished.
God, then, is an arse man. Sure, he enjoyed creating the breast (most of the fourth day was spent arguing over the nipple blueprints),
but they're just a smidge too fiddly, while there's a grace, a beautiful simplicity to the posterior that's up there with the Norwegian fjords and Bovril crisps.
Of course, ingrate little monkeys that we are, we haven't always seen eye to eye with our benevolent creator.For some reason, the breast has always held a greater fascination to man. Perhaps it's some sick Oedipal thing, maybe it's the Krypton Factor challenge of getting to the buggers, but tits have always been the Man U (glamour, money, a huge range of rapidly changing merchandise), to the buttocks' Man City (solid support, taken for granted, ground's a toilet). Arses have always taken a back
seat.
But this summer, it seems the arse is staging a comeback. That's according to Marcelle D'Argy Smith, former editor of mad feminist pamphlet Cosmopolitan. Her theory is that, with the likes of Groove Armada going on about "shaking that ass", the tabloid obsession with the pneumatic rears of Kylie and Billie, plus those Levi TV ads where the bum is swivelled round to the front on a grubby garage forecourt, bottoms have become cool again.
Of course, she's wrong. The arse has always been there, firm and warm, all ready for a reach around during "The lady in Red". It's just that you're more likely to see one this summer. like a school of myopic sperm whales, as soon as the sun shines, those jiggling buttocks are heading straight to the beach. Greenpeace will have their hands full.
This arse about-face is actually just down to the packaging. Over the past year, ladies have been favouring the hotpant (Kylie's gold ones in particular), the hipster (cast an eye towards Madonna in the Austin Powers video) and the supertight jean (Cat Deeley, every eye-watering Saturday morning).
Suddenly, walking down the street, visiting the cobbler's, lining up at the dole, it's all become so much more appealing. And why? Because you can't hide the behind. While ladies annually spend a king's ransom on emphasising what they haven't got tit-wise (the wonderbra) or hiding what they have (the big jumper, the roll of gaffer tape), they can do nothing about their behind. The arse is out there, unfettered and beautiful like a wild pony on the prairie or a pair of ripe honeydew melons swinging back and forth like a hypnotist's watch.
It's a biological fact; woman's tails were put on the outside to give men something to follow, like cats-eyes on a wet corner. As the sex therapist Jane Tipton points out, "The back view of our body is the one that we see the least but is most accessible to the voyeur." Wahey!
But if you thought there was nothing wrong with tagging along in their bumpy slipstream, tongue unfurled like a panting cartoon wolf, you'd be very wrong. Rather than being a harmless pastime, a fantasy bouncy castle for the bloodshot eyes, looking at women's arses actually makes you a pervert. "A fixation with the derriere," continues Tipton, "can derive from a fear of intimacy,as a level of sexual gratification can be achieved without any contact being established and without the supplier of gratification even being aware that an exchange is taking place." Saves dividing up the CDs when it all goes to shit, anyway.
But then, women do tend to be slightly mental about their backsides. A modern woman's arse is her Achilles' heel. Even the most well-adjusted, career-minded superwoman falls apart when she looks at her behind in the Top Shop changing room mirror. Somehow those plump pillows of love transform into two asteroids colliding in the gravitational pull of Jupiter.
And once again, of course, this is all men's fault. Kathy Comfrey of the London College of Fashion reckons "Woman have the difficulty of living with the male idea of beauty shown on the catwalk. Woman are given the idea of beauty as thin, tall, with a tiny arse and a flat chest. That's not a woman, that's a pre-pubescent boy."
Absolutely. Although the young Macaulay Culkin did cut quite a dash in Home Alone II. Especially in the shower scene. No, men fancy models because they have beautiful faces, not because they look like they've been fed under the door. And sleeping with a supermodel would be about as pleasurable as shagging a bicycle.
The truth is, it's women themselves who see these freaks as the epitome of perfection. No man ever found Twiggy sexy. The sexiest women of all time - Marilyn Monroe, Raquel Welch, Joan of Arc, Sarah Michelle Gellar- they've all had tits and arse. While the emphasis may vary over time (Welch beats Gellar in cup size, but Gellar knows kung fu), the ideal woman always *looks* like a woman. And that means having a hefty saddlebag on her Grifter.
Breasts come and go on the fickle winds of fashion, but women will always have big arses - and by God they need them in this green and fecund land, where the English Rose is apple-cheeked and pear-shaped. I mean, a woman with Kelly brook's breasts and Posh Spice's backside would look like one of those deep-sea fish with torches for eyes. But no tits and a shapely arse, now that works fine. just look at little Billie Piper. Loooooook at her.
The tragedy is that if you tell women (and believe me, I do) that you prefer the slightly more upholstered, the slightly more *womanly* posterior, they start shrieking that you're some sort of subversive beatnik and accuse you of fancying Mandy Dingle off Emmerdale.
Women don't want to hear:"I like an arse on a woman - come hear and marry me." They want to hear:"I only like tiny boys' arses. Real women's arses revolt me. Your arse is microscopic and therefore looks delicious."
Mental. Completely mental.
The bottom line is that the only men who don't like women's arses are gay ones. The arse is good. It's a ripe, potent symbol of womanhood. It's easy to find in the dark. You can stand your pint on it. And with a cheek in each palm, you are closer to God than a leper at Christmas. After all, what do you think "He's Got The Whole World In His Hands" is really about?
Go on, give 'em a squeeze for Jesus." |
