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serious crits please

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Here is a short excert from my first book.. Am i on the right track? Honest crits please if its crap say so. Tony xx

Jackie was in hysterics on the other end of the phone. Ken couldn’t stop smiling but for clearly different reasons “I’ll get the bottle” as he pointed at my glass and headed back inside” “You will have my job at this rate Jen”….”Your body is my first priority I whispered” just as Ken returned with a new bottle and a glass for himself “Did you say you are going out this evening Jac ?” I did but”… she hesitated…” I’m currently in the Jacuzzi covered in bubbles a Vodka in one hand and my clitoris occupied by the fingers of the other and your sexy voice echoing hands free around my bathroom” “Woo !!!! Your not” “are you” “indeed I am you don’t mind do you” Thinking very carefully what I could get away with saying in front of ken “Of course I don’t but I was hoping to making that my priority first thing Monday” ……“ Don’t worry I wont wear it out but for some reason someone has made me feel extremly horny” Jacs voice was becoming decidedly erratic and the thought of her masturbating to my voice wasn’t doing my frustration any favours. I desperately tried to think of more duple en tundra’s that wouldn’t alert Ken to events on the other end of the phone “I do wish I was Cumming with you” was the first thing I could think of “ Carry on Carry on Pleasssse” she pleaded. My mind raced as I tried to imagine the expression on her face “is it very swollen” ..Ken looked puzzled as I mimed she had banged her head “Oh yes yes yesssss it is “just Say anything I just need to hear your voice she screamed” Sod it I thought this may take a bit of explaining to ken but here goes “I know how your feeling Jac I’ve been horny all afternoon” Kens face was a picture, I continued “if he was half the man I thought he was he would come over here rip off my panties, spread my legs and bury his cute little face in my fanny” Ken almost choked on a chip “Jennifer who the Fuck are you talking to?” Ken gasped in amassment” “I told you its Jackie my boss” bloody hell” he replied Jac must have stopped what she was doing and partly regained her composure and said excitedly “what’s happening jen” “ unfortunately nothing Jac I’ve just invited my husband to dine on something tastier than cold fish and chips and he’s turned me down” Ken sat there speechless “Put him on the phone Jen” I handed My bemused husband the phone and said sternly “she wants to talk to you” ken slowly raised it to his ear “Hello” “ yes lovely to talk to you”…..”Ermmmm”… “Yes of course”………… “What NOW?”…….”But we’re in the garden”…….”Well no I don’t suppose it does”. OK “

I didn’t know the exactly what she was saying but I had a dam good idea and I had a feeling two frustrated birds were about to be killed with one phone….. By the time Ken gingerly handed back the phone I had discarded both my tights and panties hitched up my skirt, was slid down in my chair, both feet were on the table spread as far as it was wide

“Hi Jac” There was a slight pause “Jen you are the most devious little minx” “tell me what’s he doing?” “Well while you were chatting up my old man I striped off” …….”MMM and now I have bothhhh my feet on the FUCK”…… “Table?”she enquired ….Yes table And what about Yooou” …. “I am Much better now thanks to you but extremely jealous” ….“ Jealous? Of me or Kennnn” I asked” “Booooth” she tried to reply “OH Fuck Fuck Fuck”I cried Ken was on form his long tongue exploring the depths of my soaking wet virginal opening and transferring its sticky residue forward to lubricate my throbbing clit where he teased back and forth taking me one step higher “Jen…..Jen” The sexual tension in Jac’s voice on the other end of the phone told me she was feeling the same, “Jen I can feel you going down on me” it was almost as if we were in the same room together and that it was her that was down there, I was imaging seeing her hair between my thighs, I imagined it was her ruby lips sucking on my labia then returning her tongue tenderly to my clitoris ”Jesus H Jac I’m sorry I carrrnt hold on much longer I cant I cant“ I sighed “Don’t worry hun… I’m with you….she continued…Go for it babe I am sooooo fucking with you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sorry, I found it a bit muddled and confusing. Grammatically poor. Lacking in detail. I was near the end of the piece before I worked out what was supposed to be happening.

That may be just me. I am being a little subjective after all. The grammer definitely needs work though.

Hope that helps.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

fair enough Pabs i cant make it better if i dont get advice thank you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This made no sence at all. Hard to keep up making it lack hornyness because ur mind is struggling to keep up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

is this the new fifty shades of pish?

hehehe sorry only joking, but definitely one u have to rewrite, as the above posters have said

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By *iceguydaveMan
over a year ago

Monmouth

I'm with all the moaners above, I'm afraid.. there's a half decent idea in there struggling to get out, but it needs a bit more discipline (not spanking scenes!).. break up the paragraphs, make it clear who is speaking, punctuate more clearly.

And the phrase you're looking for is 'double entendre', by the way

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

many thanks guys i have let a few friends read it and all say its very good which they would do (bit like x factor where the person cant sing but the family say they are good) in my defence i did give you a part that maybe easyer to understand if you had read from the start and new the story more.. but i will work on it..watch this space....thanks Tony

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

Okay, I've had a little go at this myself, it was hard to follow but I think I got the sense of it. This is how I would approach what you've written, it may give you some ideas:

Jackie was in hysterics on the other end of the phone. Ken couldn’t stop smiling, but for clearly different reasons.

“I’ll get the bottle” he said, as he pointed at my glass and headed back inside. 

“You will have my job at this rate Jen.” ”Your body is my first priority,” I whispered, just as Ken returned with a new bottle and a glass for himself. 

“Did you say you are going out this evening Jac?” “I did, but I’m currently in the jacuzzi covered in bubbles, a vodka in one hand and my clitoris occupied by the fingers of the other...and your sexy voice echoing on hands free around my bathroom.” 

“Mmmm...you’re not, are you?” “Indeed I am, you don’t mind do you?” 

Thinking very carefully about what I could get away with saying in front of Ken, I continued. “Of course I don’t, but I was hoping to make that my priority first thing Monday.“ “Don’t worry I wont wear it out, but for some reason someone has made me feel extremly horny!” 

Jac's voice was becoming decidedly erratic, and the thought of her masturbating to my voice wasn’t doing my own frustration any favours. I desperately tried to think of more double entendres that wouldn’t alert Ken to what was happening at the other end of the phone.

“I do wish I was cumming with you”, was the first thing I could think of. “Carry on, carry on please!” she pleaded. My mind raced as I tried to imagine the expression on her face. “Is it very swollen?” Ken looked puzzled as I mimed she had banged her head. “Oh yes, yes, yes it is! Just say anything, I just need to hear your voice!” 

'Sod it' I thought, this may take a bit of explaining to Ken, but here goes...“I know how you’re feeling Jac, I’ve been horny all afternoon.” Ken's face was a picture. I continued. “If he was half the man I thought he was, he would come over here, rip off my panties, spread my legs and bury his cute little face in my fanny.” Ken almost choked on a chip at this. “Jennifer, who the Fuck are you talking to?” he gasped in amazement. “I told you, its Jackie my boss.” "Bloody hell!” he replied, eyes wide. 

Jac must have stopped what she was doing and partly regained her composure. "What’s happening jen?” she asked excitedly. “Unfortunately nothing Jac, I’ve just invited my husband to dine on something tastier than cold fish and chips and he’s turned me down.” Ken sat there speechless. “Put him on the phone”, she commanded. 

I handed it to my bemused husband. “She wants to talk to you.” Ken nervously raised it to his ear, and with a dry mouth uttered a tentative hello.

I didn’t know what she was saying but I had a damn good idea, and I had a feeling two frustrated birds were about to be killed with one phone. By the time Ken gingerly handed back the phone I had discarded both my tights and panties and hitched up my skirt. I was reclining in my chair, both feet upon on the table and my legs spread as far as it was wide.

“Hi Jac.” There was a slight pause. “Jen, you are the most devious little minx. Tell me what’s he doing?”

“Well, while you were chatting up my old man I stripped off, and now I have my feet on the table, and my fingers...well, you can guess, I'm sure.“

"Oh god, I’m so jealous!” Jac replied. I was about to ask her of who, but at that moment Ken's long tongue began exploring the folds of my soaking wet slit. I moaned long and hard, Jac's voice on the other end of the phone became thick as she felt the sexual tension.

“Jen, I can feel you going down on me.” It was as if we were in the same room together, and she was between my thighs instead of Ken. I groaned with pleasure as I imagined her hair falling across my thighs, her ruby lips brushing over my labia and then returning her tongue tenderly to my clitoris. 

”Jesus H Jac, I can't hold on much longer! I cried, and heard her purr, “Don’t worry hun, I’m with you.Go for it babe, I am so fucking with you!"

I hope that's helpful. Would be a good idea if you had a look at the forums on an erotic lit website, they are very good for advice.

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol

Hehe, I've already noticed a couple more changes. 'Fuck' doesn't need a capital F, for one!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 29/07/12 19:22:22]

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Hehe, I've already noticed a couple more changes. 'Fuck' doesn't need a capital F, for one!"

Thanks edwolu2 i see what you are saying and extra thanks for taking the time......

As for the F in fuck i think its ok as its away of Emphasizing bit like caps is shouting on here yes i know not stickly correct English grammer but then this is hardly Dickens is it.....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Love the idea but yes...was nearly at the end before i knew what was going on.

Good luck,love a sexy story xxx

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By *dwalu2Couple
over a year ago

Bristol


"Hehe, I've already noticed a couple more changes. 'Fuck' doesn't need a capital F, for one!

Thanks edwolu2 i see what you are saying and extra thanks for taking the time......

As for the F in fuck i think its ok as its away of Emphasizing bit like caps is shouting on here yes i know not stickly correct English grammer but then this is hardly Dickens is it..... "

Yes, that's one view. I think with successful erotic writing you have to get into the head of the reader with your story...the problem you then have with grammatical errors, spelling errors and the like is that they can jar the reader out of the story, you know?

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