FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes...

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Sometimes this site can very serious.

So what’s your best joke?

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By *hatsmynameagainCouple
over a year ago

Ayrshire

What do you call a dwarf that fell in to a cement mixer?

A wee hard man

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a snooker table laugh

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By *ittleRed18Woman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"How do you make a snooker table laugh "

Tickle it's balls?

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Lorry load of viagra was hijacked on the M8.

Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Lorry load of viagra was hijacked on the M8.

Police are looking for a bunch of hardened criminals.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Got a mate who’s addicted to brake oil. He’s not concerned, says he can stop anytime he wants!

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Got sad news today.

After 7 years of medical trainig, a good friend of mine has been struck off after 1 minor discretion.

He slept with one of his patients.

He can no longer work at the job he loves.

What a waste of time, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant vet.

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

That’s the best so far

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I am fat but identify as skinny!

I am translender

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By *lair101TV/TS
over a year ago

Aberdeen, westhill

What do you do if you find a trumpet buried in your garden?

Root it oot

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

A slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece.

In those days believe it or not the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed: " OH!! Limp Pricks!"

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into "Olympics.

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By *inger4FabMan
over a year ago

Dysart

What does going down on an old woman and a pork pie have in common?

You have to bite off the crust, lick the gooey stuff before you get to the meaty bits

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walked in to a bar.

The rabbit said; "I think I'm a typo....."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was at a faith Healers meeting last night, it was shite, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

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By *ine of BootyCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow/ Manchester

Accidentally bought 50 litres of tip-ex,

Big mistake..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I was at a faith Healers meeting last night, it was shite, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

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By *ink-KameraMan
over a year ago

Livingston

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only 3 survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre.

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By *uietbloke67Man
over a year ago

outside your bedroom window ;-)

Is crazy paving the same as a psychopath.

The moon is far more important than the sun...the moon gives you light at night when its pitch dark, the sun gives you light during the day....you have daylight anyway.

I'll get ma coat

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Is crazy paving the same as a psychopath.

The moon is far more important than the sun...the moon gives you light at night when its pitch dark, the sun gives you light during the day....you have daylight anyway.

I'll get ma coat

"
m

Wtf.

Don’t come back!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “Five pints please”

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By *ine of BootyCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow/ Manchester

I always wanted to be a postman but everyone tells me I’d be shit at it.

Oh sorry, posted this in the wrong place.

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By *ine of BootyCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow/ Manchester

Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

Sorry, il stop

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

A man was leaving a cafe when he noticed an unusual funeral.

A funeral Coffin was followed by a second one. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man walking with a black dog.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single line.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "That first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

"My dog attacked and killed her."

"Well, who is in the second coffin?"

My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

Then the man asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue

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By *roy the GardenerMan
over a year ago

Manchester

Went to the Sperm Clinic earlier, the doctor asked if I’d like to masturbate in the cup?

I said I’m good but I’m not ready to compete in a tournament yet.

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By *punkyMcFuckKnuckleMan
over a year ago

Glasvegas/Kilmarnock

I was in boots yesterday and asked the assistant 'what gets rid of coronavirus?'

She said 'ammonia cleaner'

I said 'I'm sorry, I thought you worked here' .

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By *omaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Friend of mine, he's a dwarf . . He lost his job and has now split from his wife . . Now he's finding it hard to put food on the table!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Experts are confident that washing our hands regularly will combat coronavirus but say they are expecting an outbreak of OCD.

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By *atex and KinkCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Football, Boris, Trump.....

These were the best Jokes I could think of....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 07/03/20 09:17:21]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Panda goes into a bar and asks the barman for a vodka ***** lemonade , the barman asks whats with the long pause the Panda replies i don't know i was born with them

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By *ariemike11Couple
over a year ago

Aberdeenshire

What did the left fanny lip say to the right fanny lip ??

We were good till you let that dick cum between us!!

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By *inder121Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?"

"None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

UK Virus ALERT

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

The virus has been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let's Get the Bastard.” They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its alert level from “No worries” to “She'll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went into the video shop and asked if I could rent batman forever

I was told I can have it for 2 days like everyone else

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

A woman was being shown around the hospital. During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! ...... Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."

"Oh well... in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman..

As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! Now tell me how that can be justified?"

The doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, but he’s with BUPA

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?

I don’t know and I don’t care

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was having sex with the mrs last night and she turned to me and said "im feeling kinky turn of the light and stick it up my ass"

As soon as i did she let out a massive scream!!

Maybe next time ill let it cool down first

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By *oiluvfunMan
over a year ago

Penrith

What did the sea, say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved

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By *uysx2Couple (MM)
over a year ago

Birmingham

During the war my grandfather was responsible for bringing down 7 Messerschmitt 109's. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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By *irth VaderMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Been a day of mixed emotions for me. First my ex wife got run over by a bus and later on I lost my job as a bus driver.

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By *erriAnneTV/TS
over a year ago

The shire

What's pink and hard

A pig with a flick knife.

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Old couple in the checkout queue at Sainsburys, the old chap is grinning and his wife furiously says "What's so funny?" He replies "I've just done one of those really nasty silent farts you always complain about and those behind will be blaming each other." She replies, it might be a good idea if you put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 flys are on a shite, one of the flys farts.. the other says "fuck sake, do you mind, I'm trying to eat here"

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By *ndiiiMan
over a year ago

Paisley Scotland

[Removed by poster at 19/03/20 08:58:49]

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By *ndiiiMan
over a year ago

Paisley Scotland

Whats the difference between hard up and down and out.?

60 seconds.

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By *uckOfTheBayMan
over a year ago

Mold

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm but I gave her some superglue instead... She's still not talking to me!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral makes your day - anal makes your hole weak

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By *uboCouple
over a year ago

East kilbride

A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics.

He makes friends with the tribe's chief and his wife and they all live happily for some time.

One day the chief's wife gives birth to a white child.

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock.

The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you are the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife gave birth to a white child.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened! "

The professor replied, "No, chief, you're mistaken.

What we have here is a natural occurrence what we in the civilized world call an albino!

Look at that field over there.

All the sheep are white except for one black one.

Nature does this on occasion. "

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what.

You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about the white kid. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was younger, I struggled coming to terms with being bi and dyslexic.

I was in Daniel.

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By *ariemike11Couple
over a year ago

Aberdeenshire

Thought I’d sell my hoover!!

It was just gathering dust!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two monkeys are running a bath, when it's ran 1st monkey jumps in and starts saying "ooo ooo aaaa oooo aaa aaa aaaa ooo" 2nd 1 says "you silly cunt put cold water in it!!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I just asked the wife to put a nurses uniform on.

She said, "Why, are you feeling sexy?"

I said, "No, we need bread."

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

"I just asked the wife to put a nurses uniform on.

She said, "Why, are you feeling sexy?"

I said, "No, we need bread.""

Can she get me some milk please ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I just asked the wife to put a nurses uniform on.

She said, "Why, are you feeling sexy?"

I said, "No, we need bread."

Can she get me some milk please ?

Anybody else need anything?

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By *andy 1Couple
over a year ago

northeast

took the wife to the sex shop I said u can have any I u want she said I will have the big red 1 I said that's the fucking fire extinguisher

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By *eterjamesmcMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Whats the difference between a primary school and an army barracks?

Dont ask me buddy, i juust fly the drones.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't know if i should tell this joke but fuck it

Whats the best thing about shagging Twenty Two year olds ?

There is Twenty of them

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC) Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" "That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued. "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really"

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife

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By *ewnmaturesCouple
over a year ago

fife

Two guys sitting in George Square watching the pigeons.

First guy says “what wid ye dae if a burd shat oan yir heid?”

The second guy says “ ah widnae ask her oot again!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"UK Virus ALERT

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

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By *ink-KameraMan
over a year ago

Livingston

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

"Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!

"Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling,

"Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies,"Hurts, don't it?!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate got sacked from the shows for pushing the waltzers too fast,,hes put in a claim for funfair dismissal

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