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Supporting People With Anxiety

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

Hi, just wondering if I can be serious for a bit and if anyone can spare a few seconds and give me some advice?

Recently, for the second time in my life someone has cut all contact with me due to them having anxiety problems as I’ve been very overbearing trying to reassure them etc. Looking back, without realising I was very overbearing but done it for what I thought was the right reasons as I wanted them to feel they weren’t alone etc. These people were both receiving extra medical care ie. one attending meetings and the other medication, they were maybe even both receiving both

This is the second time this has happened and I openly admit I was very overbearing towards both of them but it was probably a subconscious action, especially the second time and I really meant well. I only look back at the contrast in both friendships and banter between these instances before and after they both opened up to me to see how I changed towards them

Having known people who have committed suicide with mental health and seen the after effects first hand it really upsets me that my actions have made another persons mental health issues escalate resulting in them not being able to keep contact with me

I don’t need any lectures or anyone on their high horse about my wrongdoings as I now know I’ve done wrong albeit not on purpose. Constructive criticism only please

What I’d like to ask from Fab incase someone else enters my life or someone already in it opens up to me with anxiety or something similar is how best to deal with other people’s anxiety? Is it best just to give a wee “I’m here anytime” or simply don’t bring it up? I said a few times to both that I won’t bring it up but I’m always here but subconsciously I was trying too hard to support them and both said I was too full on etc. It’s obvious I don’t know how to deal with this because I’m always told I’m very laid back and only twice been told I’m too full on

I’m guessing it varies from person to person but any feedback will be greatly welcomed as I can’t bare the fact I have made two people’s lives uncomfortable

Thanks, Beefy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If someone else has anxiety, it's up to them rather than you to find a way to cope with it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If someone else has anxiety, it's up to them rather than you to find a way to cope with it"

I completely agree here, you're friends will have or find their own ways of dealing with their anxiety. The best thing you can possibly do at this moment would be to give them space, if they have opened up to you and are saying your support was too full on then they might just be needing that bit of space for themselves.

They will still recognise that you are there for them and when they are ready will come back.

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"If someone else has anxiety, it's up to them rather than you to find a way to cope with it

I completely agree here, you're friends will have or find their own ways of dealing with their anxiety. The best thing you can possibly do at this moment would be to give them space, if they have opened up to you and are saying your support was too full on then they might just be needing that bit of space for themselves.

They will still recognise that you are there for them and when they are ready will come back. "

Appreciate the responses and further ones still to come. It’s almost 3 years since the first one left me and the most recent is recent

It’s not so much a case of getting back into their lives, if they are happy and mentally stable without me then great, that’s all that matters. Its trying not to make the same mistakes again that’s now causing me to get worked up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm in a slightly different situation with a friend but all I can suggest is that you occasionally "check in" with them. Letting them know you're around, if and when they feel they need you. Other than that, sadly, there isn't a great deal you can do.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Agree with what’s been said above, just let them know you are there if or when they need you and leave it there, then just be the friend you were to them before you knew of their condition. If you change your behaviour around them even if you think it’s for the better, if you think your being supportive all you are really doing is being a constant reminder that there is something wrong, speaking from experience the worst thing once you open up to people is the change in their behaviour, even if they think they are being positive and doing good, so just be you and let them know every now and again you are there, they will appreciate the normalness (not sure that’s even a word )

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence."

I hope you aren't a counsellor.

Telling people who feel anxious how awful their situation is, isn't really therapeutic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence.

I hope you aren't a counsellor.

Telling people who feel anxious how awful their situation is, isn't really therapeutic "

I’m with you on this, last thing you want to hear is oh how awful, like they don’t already know! They don’t want your sympathy either, just opening up to give you a bit of understanding of what they might be going through

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence.

I hope you aren't a counsellor.

Telling people who feel anxious how awful their situation is, isn't really therapeutic

I’m with you on this, last thing you want to hear is oh how awful, like they don’t already know! They don’t want your sympathy either, just opening up to give you a bit of understanding of what they might be going through "

Its called showing empathy. Try it. If they say life is shit then say how awful that sounds to feel that way. To argue life isnt shit is not listening.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence.

I hope you aren't a counsellor.

Telling people who feel anxious how awful their situation is, isn't really therapeutic

I’m with you on this, last thing you want to hear is oh how awful, like they don’t already know! They don’t want your sympathy either, just opening up to give you a bit of understanding of what they might be going through

Its called showing empathy. Try it. If they say life is shit then say how awful that sounds to feel that way. To argue life isnt shit is not listening."

That's not empathy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence."
.

This is some of the worst ways to react. It’s patronising and not empathetic in any way.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just be there, you don't have to try a help them or "fix" them.

Just be a friend. Let them know you are there, even if it's just to sit and do nothing.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence.

I hope you aren't a counsellor.

Telling people who feel anxious how awful their situation is, isn't really therapeutic

I’m with you on this, last thing you want to hear is oh how awful, like they don’t already know! They don’t want your sympathy either, just opening up to give you a bit of understanding of what they might be going through

Its called showing empathy. Try it. If they say life is shit then say how awful that sounds to feel that way. To argue life isnt shit is not listening."

I’m not speaking as the person giving advice, I’ve been on the receiving end of all kinds of advice from “friends”, I know how awful it is, I don’t need you to say how awful it sounds, or that your sorry I feel that way or have to go through that, just simply listening is enough, and someone simply saying ok, thanks for telling me, and I’m here if you need to talk again, is enough, someone being normal and not pretending to understand or even trying to, cause if you aren’t going through it you won’t understand, and that’s fine, just simply listen

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"My advice is to let the person know you are listening.

Let them know you are there for them, if they choose to open up become engrosed in what they are saying, sympathise, tell them how awful that must be and when the time is right give advice that you can back with experiece evidence..

This is some of the worst ways to react. It’s patronising and not empathetic in any way.

"

The worst of it is this is close to how I probably was recently. I never said how awful etc but I listened and I suppose I asked questions. They then asked if they’d ever feel normal again and I said yes but stupidly I went on to say it won’t be overnight and it may take weeks, months or even a year. I then also said that once you do feel back to yourself then don’t be surprised if you have episodes where you feel like you’ve been knocked back down again for periods of time. I was trying to be realistic

I don’t need a lecture on it, I know the negative impact I’ve created. I’m an arsehole for not realising

This is exactly why I’m here asking advice, all the replies have been helpful and insightful and will be put to good use if needs be in the future

Thanks

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Give them the details of a real counsellor if you're worried about doing them further damage

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I tell my friends if they need me to be there to listen to them scream or scream with them, cry, shout. Drink, eat, talk nonsense Whatever.. if they need me I’ll be there.

I still text them about random crap and memes and treat them the same way I always have.. but if they need to be withdrawn they can mute my texts and get back to me.

I’m the same friend they have anxiety or not and maybe sometimes they need a distraction from what’s going on in their head.. let them tell you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I suffer from anxiety depression and schizophrenia

some times i just need to leave where ever i am

it has affected me quite badly that women won't go near me

but i think that is more the schizophrenia

i'm not a dangerous guy but think i'm perceived this way

the anxiety can make it worse but if i take my meds i'm usually alright

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By *tew008Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"If someone else has anxiety, it's up to them rather than you to find a way to cope with it"

You can only control you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If someone else has anxiety, it's up to them rather than you to find a way to cope with it

You can only control you."

I always say I can’t change how other people react, I can only react in my way. Squirrels don’t wash our dishes life is very hard

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By *eefyBanger OP   Man
over a year ago

edinburgh

Grateful for everyone’s responses so far any further advice should it be given

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing,just be there when you’re needed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I work with people with mental health issues it's taken me a while cause at first I wanted to solve everything for them but I quickly realised that's there job, and they have to truly want the things changed.all u can do is tell them your there for them if they want to talk and give them the space they need , then dont bring it up all the time just chat the way u normally would about random stuff. If they want to talk they will

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