FabSwingers.com mobile

Join us FREE, we're FREE to use

Web's largest swingers site since 2006.

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to Scotland

National Tell An Old Joke Day!

Jump to newest
 

By *ortland51 OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Today is National Tell An Old Joke Day.

Let's have some. I'll start with this oldie;

Two tigers walking down the high street. One turns to the other and says, "It's quiet for a Saturday ain't it".

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

What's red and smells like green paint?

Red paint.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *othianGuy41Man
over a year ago

Livingston

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car. She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm." She asks, "What about the smell?" He says, "Hold its nose."

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but he fell asleep

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the baker's hands brown?

Because he was kneading a jobbie.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make a snooker table laugh ?

Put your hands down it’s pockets and tickle it’s balls

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

What kind of monkey would you find in a minefield

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

A BABOOOOOOM

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of Chapstick.

She still isn't talking to me.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.

What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ortland51 OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Did you hear about the swede that died?

But turn up at his funeral.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky?

Parcel tape.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *e DevilMan
over a year ago

Blantyre

How do elephants play hide n seek.

They paint their toenails red and hide up cherry trees.

Have you ever seen an elephant up a cherry tree

No

Just shows how good a hiding place it is.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man with one foot in his house and the other outside it?

Hamish

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two blondes walk into a bar...

You'd think one would've noticed

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *omaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I haven't spoken a word to my wife in 6 years . . . I don't like to interrupt her

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two goldfish in a tank. One says to the other 'do you know how to drive this thing?'

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *e DevilMan
over a year ago

Blantyre

Whats red and sits in a corner, a wean with a razorblade.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *TBSMan
over a year ago

close enough

What do you call someone who is not part of the forum clique?

.

.

.HTBS

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's black and white and red all over

A new paper

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *heesyheadbandMan
over a year ago

Glenrothes

why did the Hedgehog cross the road?

too see his flat mate.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *e DevilMan
over a year ago

Blantyre

3 legged dog limps into a saloon , jumps up onto a bar stool and says to the barman.

Im looking for my paw.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Whats red and sits in a corner, a wean with a razorblade. "

What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A pig with 3 eyes?

A piiig.

A fish with no eyes?

A fish.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *erving in the cornerCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

To be or not to be, that is a pencil

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *izzmasterzeroMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a man with one foot in his house and the other outside it?

Hamish "

howlin

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *extoy300Man
over a year ago

Brechin

Guy goes to the doctor with a vibratory stuck inside him, do you want me to remove it for you said the doc,no no just change the batteries

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *otrock-cplCouple
over a year ago

Glenrothes

My grandad went down in History.

And he also fingered a girl in Geography.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you make an octopus laugh?

Ten tickles...

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy goes to the doctor's.

"its quite embarrassing actually, i can't stop farting, it's absolutely revolting. It's affecting my love life, my wife hates me. My work colleagues are wanting me to leave. I just cant take it anymore" the guy sobs.

The doctor looks about his room, " i have something right here that may help for the time being"

He starts to pull out a very long pole from a cupboard.

The guy shouts still sobbing "for fucks sake doctor, your not gonna put that up my arse are you"?

The doctor replies.

"No! I'm going to open a fucking window"!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *orWullieMan
over a year ago

Dunoon


"What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?

Still no idea."

What do you call a dead deer with no eyes and no boaby?

Still no fucking idea.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blonde goes to the doctors and zays every part of my body I touch it hurts.

Doctor says I see the problem

Blonde says oh hod am I dieing

Doctor say no you broke your finger

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

What's brown and runs up your leg?

.

.

.

A homesick jobby

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *assy LassieWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of Chapstick.

She still isn't talking to me."

I need to try this with my kids

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *outhsider69Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Four jobbies lying on the grass in the park.....

Which one is the musketeer?

The dark tan yin

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When Is a Door Not a Door?

When it is a jar x

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

The jokes on him though, I don’t have a roommate.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a wummin who likes to defrost coos

Thora Hird

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *mooth shaftMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you DO when you see 10 elephants coming over a hill?

RUN !!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a fish with no eye

FSH

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a fish with no eye

FSH "

This is what I was trying to type, but my autocorrect changed it back to fish.

FFS.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ortland51 OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two cows in a field.

One says to the other, "Are you worried about this mad cow disease thing?"

Not me, replies the other cow, "I'm a helicopter".

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one animal in it, a dog???

It was a shih tzu

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two cows in a field, what ones on holiday?

The one with a wee caff

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What is worse than lobsters on your piano?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Crabs on your organ

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women have orgasms?

.

.

.

just another reason to moan.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *othianGuy41Man
over a year ago

Livingston

The best thing about being schizophrenic?

It turns a wank into an orgy......

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ixteenineMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Have you heard of the scottish ghostbusters?

They call themselves the Glasgow necro-polis

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *awaiianguyMan
over a year ago

East Ayrshire

What do you call a Judge with no thumbs....

Justice Fingers

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... she looked surprised

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I said to this train driver: "I want to go to Paris." He said: "Eurostar?" I said: "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin."

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass Of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *e DevilMan
over a year ago

Blantyre


"My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

The jokes on him though, I don’t have a roommate."

Lmfao. Best so far , for me.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ilveryFoxMan
over a year ago

Midlothian

What did the 80 year old pirate say!

Aye matey!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ffyEffWoman
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you call a coo with no legs?

Ground beef!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s brown and sticky??

A Stick

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ab n friendlyMan
over a year ago

West Aberdeenshire


"Why do women have orgasms?

.

.

.

just another reason to moan."

Brilliant

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *omaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

My uncle died with a huge smile on his face as he drove over the cliff

The 37 passengers on his bus maybe didn't see the funny side though

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

Never challenge death to a pillow fight.

You will have to face some reaper cussions

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are deciding what to buy there wives for Xmas. The Englishman says im going to buy my wife a red ferrari and a blue ferrari. If she doesmt like the red one she can drive the blue one. Irishman says im going to buy my wife a white porsche and a green porsche. If she doesn't like the white one she can drive the green one. The Scotsman says im going to buy my wife a pair of slippers an a vibrator. An if she doesn't like the slippers she can go an Fuck herself!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *our Average shy GuyMan
over a year ago

east lothian

Two fish in a tank one says to other can you drive this

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!”

“Well, Paddy,” Macron replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!”

Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asks.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

MACRON sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Macron. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin’ way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Chinese woman with no legs???

Dragon lips!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mate got a vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse yesterday...

I called the hospital to see how he was doing and the doctor said he was picking up nicely.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Went to a fancy dress party dressed as a harp.

Host said you don't really look like a harp.

I said are you calling me a lyre.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *bolton88Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

What's worse than having Ants in your pants?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Uncles

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *exyspecs and supermanCouple
over a year ago

A house, a very big house in the country

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains....

Well pull yourself together then.

Ss

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about Fatima Whitbread get stopped going through customs for suspicion of smuggling drugs.....turns out she had 2 pounds of crack in her panties ??

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers. So I did.

She’s 25 and her name’s Kathy.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sent my hearing aid away to get repaired.......havent heard a thing since.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My mate got a vacuum cleaner stuck up his arse yesterday...

I called the hospital to see how he was doing and the doctor said he was picking up nicely.

"

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So many bad jokes but glad there’s no German sausage ones... they are the wurst

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Egyptian taxi driver

Tooten Cumoot

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top