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What is your go to never fails joke

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By *mashngrab87 OP   Man
over a year ago

paisley

I went to the doctors recently

He said “don’t eat anything fatty

I said “like bacon,pizza and burger

He said “no.fatty don’t eat anything”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Murderer is walking through the forest with a young woman.

The young woman says " it's quite scary here"

Murderer replies " how do you think I feel. I have to walk back myself!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the zoo that only had one dog in it...

It was a Shih tzu...

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By *assy LassieWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"Murderer is walking through the forest with a young woman.

The young woman says " it's quite scary here"

Murderer replies " how do you think I feel. I have to walk back myself!""

Pmsl

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By *mudg3rMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

“Mummy, mummy, mummy. There’s a man at the door with a bill”.

“Don’t be silly. It must be a such with a hat on”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

What's brown and sticky ?

.

.

.

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Wait for it !

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Parcel tape .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's brown and sticky ?

.Wait for it !

Parcel tape . "

Ejay brand of parcel tape do you buy.. Mine is never that sticky.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are jokes about trigonometry bad?

Cos.

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"Murderer is walking through the forest with a young woman.

The young woman says " it's quite scary here"

Murderer replies " how do you think I feel. I have to walk back myself!""

I usually forget jokes but might just remember this one!!

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess.""

I would mess this up if I tried to repeat it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

I would mess this up if I tried to repeat it "

You can now just read it then.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just seen a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out...

He said he'll be fine, he's just going through a rough patch!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just found a wallet outside Tescos with £60 in it and I wasn't sure if I should hand it in or keep it.

As I went to walk away with it I thought, "What would Jesus do?"

I turned around, walked into Tescos, and turned it into wine!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My son got a part in his school play today! He is playing a man who has been married 25 years.

I told him not to be too upset though, he might get a speaking part next time!

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"A man who has just died finds himself standing at the gates of Heaven. To his right he sees an attractive woman, and to his left is a ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and spend eternity with me, or climb the ladder to success." The man, always eager to get ahead in life, chooses to climb the ladder.

The man finds an even more beautiful woman standing in front of another gate. Next to her is another ladder. The woman says, "Come with me through the gate and all your fantasies will be granted, or climb the ladder to success." This time the man is tempted, but his greed takes over and he climbs the ladder higher.

He again encounters a woman. This woman, however; is the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. She says, "come with me and I will satisfy your deepest desires forever, or climb the ladder to success." The man can't believe his luck. He decides to take his chances and climbs the ladder. He comes to another gate. This time there is no woman waiting for him, but a fat, balding, sweaty man instead.

"Are you God?" the man asks. "No," the sweaty man replies. "I'm Cess."

I would mess this up if I tried to repeat it

You can now just read it then. "

I will screenshot it and read it next time I'm with friends

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By *e DevilMan
over a year ago

Blantyre

Paper bag goes to the doctors and says hes been feeling really ill lately.

Doc says, i will run some tests and you come back next week for the results

Paper bag returns a week later and doc says, i have bad news, your HIV positive.

HIV positive ?? Im a feckin paperbag says the paperbag. How the fxxk can that happen.

Doc replies, your mother was probably a carrier.

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By *V-AliceTV/TS
over a year ago

Ayr

Two obese guys at a bar.

"Your round", says one.

"So are you, you fat c**t!", replies the other.

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By *anbrCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Went to the sperm clinic yesterday.

The lady at reception asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet!"

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By *ortland51Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Saw a gang of guys running down the street in Edinburgh;

"What's the panic lads?"

"There's a lion escaped from the zoo", came the reply;

"Which direction is it heading in?", I asked;

"You don't think we're fucking chasing it do you!"

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By *owboy BebopMan
over a year ago

Glasgow


"Went to the sperm clinic yesterday.

The lady at reception asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said "I'm good but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament yet!"

"

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By *our Average shy GuyMan
over a year ago

east lothian

My friends granny had a stroke last night..

Her hands are getting softer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what's brown and quacks???

Donald Mince

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By *ewspinMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Saw 4 guys carrying a coffin in the cemetery for ages ...

I thought to myself ...they’ve lost the plot !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This guys goes out one night and pulls a girl in his local bar takes her home and one thing leads to another.. Kissing caressing and he works his way down her body.. Gets to her pussy.. Gently fingering her with one finger hearing her moan, then two fingers feeling her enjoyment, then three, then his whole hand.. Moving in and out as she trembles, then his arm, and his leg.. Then the other leg.. Suddenly finds himself inside.. Bumps into another guy.. Says to him.. Hey this lassies' got a big fanny! .. guy replies.. You're not kidding, i'm still trying to find my lorry.

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By *oggingnfloggingCouple
over a year ago

fife

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By *oanne_MacTV/TS
over a year ago

Perth

spent some time by the wifes grave today...

she doesn't know, she thinks I'm digging a pond...

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What do you call a judge with no balls?

Justice Dick

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By *adbury girlWoman
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

Superman is flying around the city horny as hell. He suddenly sees wonder woman lying naked, legs apart on top of a building. He thinks this is my chance, swoops down faster than a speeding bullet, fucks her deep and hard and is gone in the blink of an eye. Wonder woman sits up and says What the hell was that? The invisible man rolls off her and says I have no idea but my fuckin asshole hurts like hell!!

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By *oanne_MacTV/TS
over a year ago

Perth

My doctor advised me to stop masturbating. I asked if it was bad for My health, he said " no, but its upsetting the other patients in the waiting room"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to this swingers party and tossed my keys into a bowl.

I thought I had hit the jackpot when this hot big titted sultry blonde picked them out.

Never saw my BMW again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An alien couple come down to earth and goes to a swingers party.

They swap partners and go to their respective bedrooms. The alien takes off his clothes revealing a one inch cock.

The human woman says, "I'm not impressed with this at all."

The alien then twists his right ear and and his cock grows ten inches.

"Now I am impressed!” says the woman.

The alien then twists his left ear and his cock becomes 2 inches thick and he gives the woman the best time of her life.

Afterwards, she meets up with her husband and asks, "How was it for you, darling?"

"Fucking shit", he replied, "All she did was keep twisting my ears!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the bakers hands brown?

Because he was kneading a jobby.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?

Look for fresh prints.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"My doctor advised me to stop masturbating. I asked if it was bad for My health, he said " no, but its upsetting the other patients in the waiting room" "

True story

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"spent some time by the wifes grave today...

she doesn't know, she thinks I'm digging a pond..."

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By *issxxx73Woman
over a year ago

my own world

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A dyslexic lion introduced himself to another lion. “Hi,” he said, “what’s your mane?”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"This guys goes out one night and pulls a girl in his local bar takes her home and one thing leads to another.. Kissing caressing and he works his way down her body.. Gets to her pussy.. Gently fingering her with one finger hearing her moan, then two fingers feeling her enjoyment, then three, then his whole hand.. Moving in and out as she trembles, then his arm, and his leg.. Then the other leg.. Suddenly finds himself inside.. Bumps into another guy.. Says to him.. Hey this lassies' got a big fanny! .. guy replies.. You're not kidding, i'm still trying to find my lorry. "

But if a tardis eh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm..... i gave her the superglue

Shes still not talking to me

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By *Carver-Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Dry retching ahoy:

"My boyfriend has a really high sperm count."

"Really, has he been tested?"

"No, but I have to chew before I swallow"

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By *endo888Man
over a year ago

Coatbridge

What has George Michael and a pair of

wellies got in common? They both get sucked of in bogs

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By *G CoupleCouple
over a year ago

Newton Stewart

Little boy sat in bath and idly fiddling with his willy. "Mum, is this my brains?" he asks his mother.

"Not yet son", she replied.

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By *our Average shy GuyMan
over a year ago

east lothian

Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts.....

Chernobyl fall oot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts.....

Chernobyl fall oot"

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By *anon6dMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

People in Dubai dont like Scooby-Doo but the people in abu Dhabi doooooòooooo.

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By *ortland51Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two Aberdonians walking through a rough borough of London late at night when a gang of skinheads begin to approach.

"Look at this menacing looking lot here mate, This looks dangerous, I think we're about to get mugged"

"I think you're right, in fact I'm sure you're right... anyway pal, here's that 200 quid I'm owe you"

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By *awaiianguyMan
over a year ago

East Ayrshire


"People in Dubai dont like Scooby-Doo but the people in abu Dhabi doooooòooooo."

Flintstones, rather than Scooby Doo

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By *awaiianguyMan
over a year ago

East Ayrshire


"Why was the bakers hands brown?

Because he was kneading a jobby.

"

The 8year old in me loved this

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