FabSwingers.com forum: Short n sweet jokes plz

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Man walks into butchers, "Can i have mince round"? Butcher says, well hurry up we close in 5 mins.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One snowman turns to another, says " can U smell carrots?"

U didnt say they had to be good!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I walked into an S&M club and asked "how much for humiliation?".

Girl replied £37.50.

"What do I get for that?".

She said "the new Celtic away top".

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By *aucy3Couple
over a year ago

glasgow

how many sophisticated australians does it take to change a light bulb both of them

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By *ashmira2008Woman
over a year ago

renfrew

wots difference bet a fanny & a coffin - u cum in one & go in other, but gotta b stiff 2 get intae both

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Man walks into butchers, "Can i have mince round"? Butcher says, well hurry up we close in 5 mins."

The one i heard was a Gay guy in the butchers asking for a mince round

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By *ifferentClassMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Bloody Hell. I'm really not that thick but it took half an hour of intense thought before I got that. Worth the work, though - it's excellent. Mince round as in prance round the place in a mincing fashion for anyone else having trouble!

What about the story that was in the paper about the dwarf that got pickpocketed? How could anybody stoop so low?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ah haha. MJ how could you be so slow????

Anyway, this is my favourite joke.

What orange and sounds like a parrot???

A carrot xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was a kid I could get a comic, Panini stickers and a curly wurly for 15p.

Feckin CCTV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A Fredo alone is 15p !!!!,lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

maggie and aggie in the landrette

maggie puts her undies in to get washed and the machine starts laughing

maggie says to aggie "is that machine laughing at me?"

"no" said aggie

"its just takn the piss out of yer knickers!!!"

lol rubish i know but it made me laugh lol

auds xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do u call a dog with no legs???

....anything u want it woulnt come running to u. hehehehe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

how do you keep an idiot in suspense????

tell ya later.xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in a swimming pool?

Bob lol

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By *cots70Couple
over a year ago

west lothian

guy goes to the doc as his cock is orange..doc asks him if he works in a nuclear plant ..guy say naw..doc asks what he does for a living ..guy says nowt ..doc say well im stumped !..have u any hobbies /interests?..guy replies ..aye a sit @home watchin porn all day n eat wotsits..!

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By *cots70Couple
over a year ago

west lothian

a woman is tryin to figure out what to wear for a halloween party ..her husband says to her.. why dont u pull yr flaps over yr head n go as a sugar puff!

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By *cots70Couple
over a year ago

west lothian

a dwarf bicurious guy walks into a swingin bar n says ...HI IM FUGY!!!..lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Granny hears a noise at her window, she looks out, 2 burly biker type guys are climbing a ladder towards her window,

She screams and dials 999 immediately, operator says" which emergency service do U require? " Granny says, fire brigade, there are 2 bikers trying to get in my bedroom window, operator says " its the police U want then" Granny says "NOOOOOOO fire brigade, they need a longer ladder!!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

South African 800m runner just failed her urine test-she couldn't fit her cock in the bottle!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Under new E.U law the word "gypo" is no longer acceptable or indeed politically correct. They are now to be known as....Caravan Utilising Nomadic Travelling Saunterers

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By *adgeeMan
over a year ago

Sw Scotland

What is the difference between a geneologist and a gynecologist?

A geneologist looks up your family tree and a gynecologist looks up your bush.

What's got a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?

A bingo machine.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 04/09/09 17:53:58]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was asked to do a 10km fun run

i siad piss off

they said come on its for disabled and blind kids go on

then i though fuck it

I COULD WIN THIS

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Apologies to ALL blondes ( both genders)

How do U know a blond has sent U an E-mail?

( there is a stamp on it).

How do U know a blond has been on your PC?

( all the tippex on the screen )

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Apologies to ALL blondes ( both genders)

How do U know a blond has sent U an E-mail?

( there is a stamp on it).

How do U know a blond has been on your PC?

( all the tippex on the screen )

apologies to all blonds.....

very good

but shockingly offensive to lovely blondes whom i like bouncing up and down on ma wee man

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

A guy walks into a bar.

He says "ouch!".

It was an iron bar.

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By *assie4Couple
over a year ago

highlands

naked man looks in mirror and says to his wife"why do i get a hardon when i see myself"? wife replies " cos even ur cock thinks u r a fanny !........

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

"naked man looks in mirror and says to his wife"why do i get a hardon when i see myself"? wife replies " cos even ur cock thinks u r a fanny !........

SUPERB!

Not often i laff out loud on the internet..

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By *ashmira2008Woman
over a year ago

renfrew

"naked man looks in mirror and says to his wife"why do i get a hardon when i see myself"? wife replies " cos even ur cock thinks u r a fanny !........

absolutely brilliant pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats got fifty legs and three teeth?-the queue at the chemists for methodon.

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By *ensualfire88Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Whats got 200 legs and soaking panties?

The front row at a Take That concert.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

It's not easy being dyslexic you know!

I once tuned up at a TOGA party dressed as a GOAT!

Got so depressed that I started to explore devil worship....I sold my soul to SANTA once!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"It's not easy being dyslexic you know!

I once tuned up at a TOGA party dressed as a GOAT!

Got so depressed that I started to explore devil worship....I sold my soul to SANTA once!

Dooooont lol my pal really is dyslexic and yes, he sent my wee one a christmas present from SATAN

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's black and slides down Nelsons column...Winnie Mandela

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats pink and wrinkly and hangs out Granpa's pants?

Granny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the diference between "Light" and "Hard"

You can get to sleep with a light on!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats brown and crawls up your leg

a home sick jobby

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"whats brown and crawls up your leg

a home sick jobby

ffs...... trust you

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between the Ref at yesterday's Scotland:Macedonia game and a computer?

You only have to punch information ONCE into a computer!

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By *ivingston_cplCouple
over a year ago

livingston

Recent studies have shown that sucking too much cock can cause the lose of the ability to speak............ now i understand why view txt's and never calls x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Recent studies have shown that sucking too much cock can cause the lose of the ability to speak............ now i understand why view txt's and never calls x"

cock cock cock ..........

but mildy funny....

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Al Tabor, the man who wrote the Hokey Cokey died a while ago, funeral directors had a terrible time gettin him ready,, they said,,,

"We got the left leg in box ok , but the right was out n wigglin all about"

T xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's green and hangs from a cunt...Tony Mowbrays tie

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Scotsman and Mick Jagger?

Jagger sings: "Hey, you, get offa my cloud"

Scotsman shouts: "Eh, McCloud, get offa my ewe

Maybe not the right forum for that in hindsight......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

During Scotlands away 6-0 thumping at Holland in 2004 my mate from Dundee gave me a phone to let me know the sixth goal had went in, i recall saying 'fucking hell mate, this is not fair..'

'fair?' he said, 'il tell you whats not fair mate, if they score again im going to have to start counting on my other hand...'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

man goes into a takeaway & orders a pizza..

when its ready the guy says "you want it cut into 6 or 8 slices m8"

6 please, dont think il manage 8

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 06/09/09 22:32:43]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

'Cos he was kneading a jobby......

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a dog with no hind legs and metal bawz?

Sparky!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walking to work this morning, i passed a bloke in a RAC Van. He was sobbing uncontrollably and looked miserable as fuck - I thought to myself.........That man's heading for a breakdown.

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By *ips2lipsCouple
over a year ago

dundee

guy walks into a bar with a piece of asphelt under his arm, shouts barman

pint of lager and one for the road

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

how do you make a cat go woof

pour petrol on it!

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

a white horse walks into bar and says "i'll have a pint please barman" the barman says

"we have a whisky named after you!"

the horse replies

"what, Eric?"

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

whats green and would kill you if it fell out a tree

a snooker table

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

whats got two legs and bleeds

half a dog!

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

my grandfather always used to say

"always fight fire with fire!"

thats why he was thrown out of the fire brigade

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By *eclan_and_AimeeCouple
over a year ago

dunblane, stirling

i'll never forget the last thing my nana said to me

"aaaargh, what you doing in here with that hammer!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the Architect that had his house maid backwards so he could watch television!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr & Mrs Blobby are in bed.

Mrs Blobby says, "blib, blob, bobble, blub, bibbly, bob, blubbly, blib."

Mr Blobby says, "Just fecking swallow it."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A husband and wife are watching a TV programme which is about human phsycology. The husband turns to his wife and says,

"I'll bet you cant say something to me that will make me feel both happy and sad at the same time!"

The wife thinks for a minute or two, then replies,

"You have the largest penis amongst all your friends"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do you call a dog with steel balls and no back legs ?

sparky x

whahey

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do women talk quicker than guys...

Because they have got 4 lips.

I went to the Doctor today and said "Doctor,every time i look in the mirror i get turned on" That's cause you look like a pussy he replied

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

bloke proposes to girlfriend but tells her he has a deformity, my cock is baby-size.his girlfriend tells him i will marry you and learn to live with you baby-size penis. They marry and on the honeymoon they start touching each other. she slides her hands into his pants and screms and runs, her runs after her totally embarrased! u told me your penis is baby size she says! it is, he explains, it 8lb 7oz and 18inchs long

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats brown and quacks? Donald Mince

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do u call a dog with no tongue?

....

clatty baws

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

keith floyds cremation is next wednesday

gas mark 6 for 2 hours

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

now that india has allowed homosexuality

the first lesbian couple hav got married

so congratulations to Sukme Flaps & Makemeclit Singh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do u get if u mix PMS & GPS......A crazy bitch who will find u

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do u call a German Gynaecologist ?

Hans Upperkunt

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By *arryandlilCouple
over a year ago

scunthorpe

whats the worse thing to be in the world???

an egg

you only get laid once

takes you 5 mins to get hard

and the only person to sit on your face is your mother

larry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did one volcano say to the other volcano?

Do you lava me like I lava you?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How come when your wife falls pregnant all her friends rub her tummy and say congratulations! but never rub your cock and say well done!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

lETS SEE HOW YOU THINK

THEPENISINHERMOUTH

DID YOU READ "THE PEN IS IN HER MOUTH"?

NAH NEITHER DID I

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BLOKE WALKS UP TO A BURD IN A NIGHTCLUB AN SAYS "MA NAMES BOND" SHE SAYS "DONT TELL ME JAMES" HE SAYS "NAW UNI IM HERE TO FILL YER CRACK"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A BLOKE JUST CAME TO MY DOOR AND SAID "YOUR WEE DOG IS CHASING A WOMAN UP THE ROAD ON A BIKE" AH TOLD HIM TO FUCK OFF MY DOGS NOT GOT A BIKE

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By *adgeeMan
over a year ago

Sw Scotland

Whats pink and hangs oot yer granda's pants?

Yer Granny

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When i die, i want it to be in my sleep, just like my father - not screaming like the passengers on his bus.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a midget walks into the doctors, the doctor asks "What's wrong with you?" Midget replies "I'm not too fit"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pub quiz.....complete the album title...Take That --- -----

scotsman replies: Take That Ya Coont!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hit a car this morning up the back.I was so stressed i found anything funny,the guy got our and he was a MIDGET, he stormed upto me and said " i am not happy". i said ok so which one are you then? lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

VIAGRA!!NOW AVAILIABLE IN POWDER FORM YOU PUT IT IN YOUR TEA .DOES FUCK ALL FOR YOUR ERECTION BUT STOPS YOUR BISCUITS GOING SOFT

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

HOW SEX STARTS!!

A SMILE LEADS TO A LAUGH

A LAUGH LEADS TO A HUG

A HUG LEADS TO A KISS

A KISS LEADS TO A MAKEOUT

A MAKEOUT LEADS TO A FINGER

A FINGER LEADS TO A HAND

A HAND LEADS TO A LICK

A LICK LEADS TO A SUCK

A SUCK LEADS TO FUCK

SO !! TELL ME HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE U GOING TO SMILE AFTER YOU'VE HEARD THIS

BECAUSE SEX IS LIKE MATHS

YOU ADD THE BED .SUBTRACT THE CLOTHES DIVIDE THE LEGS LEAVE YOUR SOLUTION AND PRAY YOU DONT MULTIPLY

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

man gets caught havn sex with a dolphin.his wife finds out and says,,,sex,,,with a dolphin!!,,,thats it im divorcing you!!!

guy turns round and says fine,,,

plenty more fish in the sea lol

auds xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

View, Toon, and Fugy were driving along in their car when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

View said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

Toon echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Fugy sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pmsl@stu xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

ennys friend debbie was complaining about

a sore throat.when i have that i always

give a blowjob 2 my husband an the next

day debbie comes in singing..how did it

go? ask jenny..brillaint says debbie

your husband couldnt believe his

fucking luck or that it was ur idea!

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By *1cebren4uWoman
over a year ago

clydebank

"View, Toon, and Fugy were driving along in their car when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

View said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

Toon echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Fugy sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . ""

hahahahaha very funny stu xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man goes out drinking all the time and comes home very later every night.

One night his wife decides to teach him a lesson. She dresses up like Satan, and decides to hide in the dark, and scare him when he gets home.

The man comes home, and his wife jumps out and screams in his face.

He just looks at her and says, ”You don’t scare me I am married to your sister!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"i was lying back in my bed last night looking into the stars, i paused and thought where the fuck is my roof"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

n Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched. He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere." Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...

"SUPPLIES!!"

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