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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Ok folks, here's a place to stick your best AND worst jokes. I'll get the ball rolling.

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man! BOOM BOOM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, ...look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pmsl

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By *omaMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

David Cameron was looking for a lady of the night. he found one such girl in a local bar. He approached her and said "Im Mr Cameron, the Prime Minister, how much would you charge me for sex?"

She responded with a smile and said " Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt and high as my taxes,my panties as low as my wages,your dick as hard as the times we are living in and keep it rising as fast as the price of petrol, then screw me as hard as you've screwed the pensioners, then it wont cost you a fucking penny"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A recent scientific survey found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in there menstrual cycle, for example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged

masculine features, however when she is menstrating she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his arse

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

...

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wanted Ad:-

A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classical music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

But please only read lines 1,3, and 5.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These are silly bad but i love them

Q...Wot do you call a deer with no eyes

A...No eye deer...boom boom...

Q...wot do you call a deer with no ears

A...anything you like he cant hear you..

Told you they were bad

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, ...look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!""

PMSL!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A recent scientific survey found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in there menstrual cycle, for example when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged

masculine features, however when she is menstrating she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his arse "

ffs i must be menstuating 365 days a year lmao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

you fuckin sent me it lol

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By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

think it has been on before

Lady of the night.

A German guy approaches a lady of the night.

' I vish to buy sex viz you. '

' OK, ' says the girl, ' I charge £20 an hour. '

' ....ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kin-ky. '

' No problem, ' she replies cautiously, ' I can do little kin-ky. '

So off they go to the girl ' s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

' I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees. '

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

' Now you vill get on your hans und knees. '

She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

' You vill please to blow zis duck kwacker as I make love to you. '

She finds it odd, but figures it ' s harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,

' That was totally amazing, what the hell do you call that position? '

' Ah, ' says the German . . . ' zat is ze....

..

..

..

..

..

..

..

Four-sprung Duck technique

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By *ohnny4playMan
over a year ago

Kinross


"These are silly bad but i love them

Q...Wot do you call a deer with no eyes

A...No eye deer...boom boom...

Q...wot do you call a deer with no ears

A...anything you like he cant hear you..

Told you they were bad "

Q...Wot do you call a dead deer with no eyes

A...Still no eye deer...boom boom...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

whats the difference between a golf ball and the G spot ?

a man will make a huge effort to look for a golf ball

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between Lady Gaga and Walt Disney?

Lady Gaga sings and Walt Disney!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

you didnt hold the pillow down long enough!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you ask a man with no arms or legs the time?

Got the time on yer cock?

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

The ONLY joke i know and i remember reading it from a birthday card so it really is a awful one!

What do frogs drink on there birthday's?

Croke-a-cola

How bad was that!

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow


"The ONLY joke i know and i remember reading it from a birthday card so it really is a awful one!

What do frogs drink on there birthday's?

Croke-a-cola

How bad was that! "

Get out. And you with the deer jokes, get out too!! :p not that my jokes are any good

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"These are silly bad but i love them

Q...Wot do you call a deer with no eyes

A...No eye deer...boom boom...

Q...wot do you call a deer with no ears

A...anything you like he cant hear you..

Told you they were bad "

Q.what do you call a deer with no legs or eyes??

A.still no eyed deer.

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Q.what do you call a deer with no legs or eyes??

A.still no eyed deer.

You n'aw :p

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There were two nuns: One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster...

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me!

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Two nuns are sitting on a bench in the park when a guy comes by and flashes at them. The 1st nun had a stroke. But the 2nd one couldn't reach.

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

I did warn you it was bad, i do get out just dont socialise with comedian's!

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Ba-da-boom. see, better already hehe

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Ahhh that's what i forgot to make it a tiny weeny bit better the drum roll and symbols at the end. Im such a numpty sometimes!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My partner died suddenly of a heart attack at the bottom of our stairs. My mates said I would have trouble getting over it, but I've found that if I put one hand on the bannister and one on the wall.....

BOOM-BOOM

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I asked my wife "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astairish??" she replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave altogether you sick bastard

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. No, 2. No, 4... 8... 16...

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Ba-da-boom tshhh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How many bacteria does it take to change a lightbulb?

1. No, 2. No, 4... 8... 16.."

Now that was funny! lol

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By *ohnny4playMan
over a year ago

Kinross


"Two nuns are sitting on a bench in the park when a guy comes by and flashes at them. The 1st nun had a stroke. But the 2nd one couldn't reach."

2 Nuns in the bath............

One says, "where's the soap?"

The other replies " it does, doesn't it!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I asked my wife "Do you think your mother would prefer Riverdance or something more Fred Astairish??" she replied, "I think she'd prefer it if you stayed off her grave altogether you sick bastard "

brilliant! love it!

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By *unybunyWoman
over a year ago

Living in a Scottish office somewhere

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport Terminal 5 for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and BINGO - she took the seat right beside him. "Hello" he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business, I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs Convention in the United States" He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!! Struggling to maintain his composture, he calmly asked, "Whats your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer" she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the myths about sexuality" "Really" he smiled, "What myths?" "well", she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, its the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually its the men of Greek descent. We have found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish" Suddendly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed, "I'm sorry" she said "I really shouldnt be discussing this with you, I dont even know your name" "Tonto", the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulous, but my friends call me Paddy!!"

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By *neguyMan
over a year ago

Banff ish

a piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked.

The sausage says "its hot in here isn't it ?" The bacon replies " bloody hell !!!! A talking sausage!!!"

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By *arpark deviantMan
over a year ago

midlothian..

Boy asks his mum, 'Why am I black and you're white?' Mum replies, 'Dont even go there, the state of me at that party you're lucky you don't fucking bark'

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By *arpark deviantMan
over a year ago

midlothian..

Essex girl & boy are playing hide & seek.

girl sends boy a text.

"If you find me,

you can lick my pussy & fuck me up the arse, If you can't,

I'm in the shed"....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

poor bob holness, he'd only been at the pearly gates 5mins, when Amy Winehouse stumbles over and asks " can i have an E please Bob?"

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and the barman says "is this some kind of joke?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hello mate, really need your advise for a serious problem!- I have suspected for some time now, that the missus has been cheating, - the usual signs; phone rings, if i answer the caller hangs up, going out with the girls a lot,...I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but i usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight i hid in the shed behind the motorbike,- when she came home, she got out some blokes car and was buttoning her blouse up. Next she took her panties out of her handbag and slipped them on- It was at that moment crouched behind the motorbike I noticed it...a bloody hairline crack in the engine mounting bracket...-Is this something I can weld or do I need to replace it??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy & Murphy on the Top Deck of the Costa Concordia.

Paddys says, Hey !! Murphy its helluva quiet on the top deck tonight.

Murphy says, I think they are all listening to the Band in the Function Lounge.

What ya mean Paddy Replies a dont think they have Entertainment on a Thursday night.

Murphy says...Nawwww Paddy i heard an hour ago someone say ..A Band on Ship

lol

Buboo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

President Obama had just got Elected and a press guy said "What are you going to do about Defence".Obama said "Im going to paint it the same colour as De House

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Loving some of these jokes, although me being a blonde dont get some of them! I'am such a malteaser!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You will like this :

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

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By *illow PimpMan
over a year ago

Midlothian


"You will like this :

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and a woman start kissing on the sofa. After a while she whispers "lets take this upstairs". Paddy says "ok, you grab one end i'll get the other!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife just said to me "Look at this, I've had this since we got married 38yrs ago and it still fits me".

I said "its a fucking scarf".

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen


"You will like this :

5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school by her grandfather. When he had a bad cold his wife took the grandchild.That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!!

"What made it different?" asked her parents:

"Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head, prick or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!'

"

Hehehehehe love this one!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i bought my son an Ipad, my daughter an Ipod, the wife got me an Iphone,and i got her an Iron.

she was'nt over joyedeven after i explained that integrated with the Iwash,Icook,Iclean network. This activated the Inag software update which totally wiped out the Ishag function.

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By *uitar_antihero OP   Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

3 guys for a job interview. The first one is in and does rather well. The interviewer then says "I need to test your observation skills, is there anything you notice about me? Anything unusual?"

The man looks at him, hesitates and then says "actually yes. Yours ears are a bit weird, ones a lot higher up than the other"

The interviewer is enraged and orders the man out.

The next man comes in, does well and is asked the same question. He also says "your ears are weird, ones quite a bit lower than the other"

Again in a rage the man is ordered out.

The last man comes in and, when asked the question says, "you're wearing contact lenses."

The interviewer is impressed. "How did you know?" he asks.

The man shrugs and says, "Well you couldn't wear glasses with ears like those."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was in Tesco's the other day - all of a sudden Trac shouts at me

YOUR A LAZY FECKER

Shocked - to right I was

I almost fell oot the trolly ))

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Was in Tesco's the other day - all of a sudden Trac shouts at me

YOUR A LAZY FECKER

Shocked - to right I was

I almost fell oot the trolly )) "

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