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Who’s got jokes 2

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By *outhsider69 OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Keeping it going...

I quit my job and the Helium Gas factory...

I didn’t appreciate being spoken to in that tone.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What happens when the pope dies?

Another one popes up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the magic tractor?

It turned into a field.

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By *outhsider69 OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Three Jobbies sitting in the toilet bowl, which one is the best swordsman?

The Dark Tan Yin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy that lines to work out a lot?

Gym.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head...?

Cliff.

My personal favourites since I was a boy.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/08/18 15:48:05]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head.

Brenda.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a plook?

A plook will wait till you're at least 12 before it comes on your face

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a plook?

A plook will wait till you're at least 12 before it comes on your face "

Nooooo! Too much you!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's the difference between a Catholic priest and a plook?

A plook will wait till you're at least 12 before it comes on your face

Nooooo! Too much you!"

I asked for Mrs opinion before I posted it....she said that as well

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy with a small cock

Justin

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By *ifeCouple66Couple
over a year ago

Fife

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug

What do you call without a spade on his head?

Douglas

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do going down on an old woman and eating a pork pie have in common?

You have to bite through the crust then lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Burnley police have warned their fans to watch out for Aberdeen fans with flares.

Coz that's what they wore last time they won anything in Europe!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do going down on an old woman and eating a pork pie have in common?

You have to bite through the crust then lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit "

oh Boak

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By *outhsider69 OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow


"What do going down on an old woman and eating a pork pie have in common?

You have to bite through the crust then lick out the jelly before you get to the meaty bit "

Raise you...

What’s the toughest part about having sex with forty seven year olds?

Getting it up again 39 times...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A gay guy is out taking his first golf lesson. The pro shows him how to place his feet, how to hold the club, and how to swing. Then he puts a ball down and tells the gay guy to hit it.

It goes about 30 feet and hooks.

Not a bad first try, but let's give it another shot

Second time it goes about 25 feet and slices.

I think I see your problem says the Pro. You're not comfortable with the club. Don't hold the club like it's something foreign to you. Pretend it's a penis, and hold it like that

This time that ball goes sailing 300 yards straight down the fairway and lands about 5 feet from the hole.

Well, that was very impressive, but why don't you take the club out of your mouth and let's try it again

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a Chinese woman with a food mixer on her head.

Brenda."

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By *ob nice but domMan
over a year ago

PAISLEY

What do you call an Indian pool attendant...........

Dyandar Bandin

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call an Indian pool attendant...........

Dyandar Bandin"

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By *outhsider69 OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Did I already tell my Alzheimer’s Joke?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Indian karaoke singer???

Gupty Singh

(Gets coat)

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call an Indian karaoke singer???

Gupty Singh

(Gets coat)"

I like the daft ones

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Indian with a piece of ham on his head?

Hamed

Boom boom

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By *ob nice but domMan
over a year ago

PAISLEY

What about the lesbian dinosaur ........lickalottopus

Or the gay one.......

Megasourarse ..

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By *outhsider69 OP   Man
over a year ago

glasgow


"What do you call an Indian karaoke singer???

Gupty Singh

(Gets coat)

I like the daft ones "

Like the one about the Chinese Stripper with asymmetrical breasts....

Wan Hung Lo

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call an Indian karaoke singer???

Gupty Singh

(Gets coat)

I like the daft ones

Like the one about the Chinese Stripper with asymmetrical breasts....

Wan Hung Lo"

.....sorry....did someone say something?...

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By *esparate danMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Big shout out to Jim Davidson

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an Irish man sitting on a couch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

These jokes are like milk...they come from a tit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call an Irish man sitting on a couch?

Paddy O'Furniture."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call an Irish man sitting on a couch?

Paddy O'Furniture.

"

Should have been

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By *obertELeeMan
over a year ago

Montrose

A young school boy walks into the confession box and hears strange noises coming from behind the curtain.He asks the preist what he is doing.The preist replies mastribating son,you will be doing it soon son.

Why asks the young lad.

Because my arm is getting sore says the preist.

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By *eep.Man
over a year ago

Just a background character

What do you call the Irish gay couple?

Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Ok coat, now.

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By *ye rolls matter!!Man
over a year ago

Glasgow area

Ten cows in a field..

Which one is on holiday?

The one with the wee calf...

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By *bandAbCouple
over a year ago

lanarkshire.

did you hear one about the guy who invented 'knock knock jokes'

he won the no-bell prize

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By *othianGuy41Man
over a year ago

Livingston

Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".

Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for Celtic but I'm too embarrassed to say".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Was on trip advisor.....they recommend l.s.d or magic mushies

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Was on trip advisor.....they recommend l.s.d or magic mushies "

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By *punkyMcFuckKnuckleMan
over a year ago

Glasvegas/Kilmarnock

Why did the wee biscuit cry?

Coz his maw was away fur too long.

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By *obertELeeMan
over a year ago

Montrose


"Burnley police have warned their fans to watch out for Aberdeen fans with flares.

Coz that's what they wore last time they won anything in Europe!!"

The last time a Fife team won anything man was wearing a fig leaf.

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By *lasgow sthMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Bear walks into a bar and says vodca and...............

Bar man says why the big pause ???

Bear looks at his paws and says....duno iv always had them

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's beyond going too far!

No, just no

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By *iceandtightMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Mickey Mouse is having problems with his helicopter....

Aparently it Disney Land

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

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By *luebell888Woman
over a year ago

Glasgowish


"Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'.

It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumour has it though, it can be a real bitch to start in the morning!

Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of.

Used models may initially appear to have kerb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the kerb weight typically increases with age.

Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the boot increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome. "

Very funny.x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 Chinese guys break into a distillery. Is this whisky says one guy to the other. He replies yes but not as wisky as wobbin a bank

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

A party of tourists going round an art gallery with a know it all ( knows nowt guide ) guide . They come across a sculpture of three black men naked one has a white penis the guide says “ it’s to show there’s no difference between different races “ . One tourist turns round and says to a guy “ that’s put that old tale to bed “ . The chap replies that the guide is talking bullshit . “ How’s that said the tourist ?” The chap replies “ I’m the artist it’s actually a representation of three miners just out the pit “ .” Why has the one guy got a white penis ? “ then the tourist replies . “ He’s the one that went home for lunch “

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Our neighbours dog

Shit in our garden

So my mum told me

To get a shovel and

Throw it over the fence

I don't see what that solved

Now we've got dog shit in

Our garden and the neighbours

Have our shovel

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By *r huskyMan
over a year ago

cockenzie

Guy walks into a bar with a giraffe he lays it down and asks for a pint the barman says

You can't leave that lyin there

Guy says that's not a lion it's a giraffe now where's my pint.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Husband:

will we try a different position tonight ?

Wife:

Sounds great you stand by the ironing board and I'll sit on the couch and fart

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What do you call a guy that lines to work out a lot?

Gym.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head...?

Cliff.

My personal favourites since I was a boy. "

Just last week then

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob

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By *bridge manMan
over a year ago

lanarkshire

What do you call a deer with no eyes??. No idea

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?.. still no idea..

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By *bridge manMan
over a year ago

lanarkshire

What's the difference between an Ethiopian baby and a pair of jeans.....there's only one fly on a pair of jeans.

..

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as a Aultor boy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin’ off

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By *ad bod000Man
over a year ago

Alness

The Highlands is a joke lol

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By *punkyMcFuckKnuckleMan
over a year ago

Glasvegas/Kilmarnock

Ten cows in a field. Which one is Arab? Coo eight.

Same ten cows in a field. Which is off on its holidays? The one with the wee calf.

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