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Tickled by a joke.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Ever heard a joke that proper tickled you. Heard this gem today . Feel free to add your own to the thread.

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.

The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Sure will." said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.

"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.

"You bet it will," said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead

What do you call a Spanish fireman - JoseA

What do you call another Spanish fireman - JoseB

Tickles me

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious!

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious! "

Feel free to DM me with it then mrs

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By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago

Blantyre


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious! "

Yes you can . Nobody's looking .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and fucks little old ladies ?

Me in my lucky blue rain coat ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious!

Feel free to DM me with it then mrs "

You only let site supporters mail you

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious!

Feel free to DM me with it then mrs

You only let site supporters mail you "

Hang on a minute then

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious! "

Changed the settings now

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious! "

Pm me too... I need a laugh.

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious!

Pm me too... I need a laugh."

Get ready for it

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By *irky_coupleCouple
over a year ago

kirky

My mate was telling me that he was screwing twins that both liked anal.I asked him how he was able to tell the difference with them. "Well sally has great tits and is shaved,derek has a beard and hairy balls"

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By *SAchickWoman
over a year ago

Hillside desolate

I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster. All it did was make him more sluggish

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By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

Heard a superb song today about frisbee's

Its really catchy

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink and hard

A pig with a flick knife

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"I took the shell off my racing snail to make him faster. All it did was make him more sluggish "

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By *witcherooMan
over a year ago

Muirhead


"Heard a superb song today about frisbee's

Its really catchy "

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I heard one the other week and I swear I laughed for about an hour!! I can't out it on here as it's not appropriate, but it was fucking hilarious! "

Come on, it’s Friday

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By *xplorer13Man
over a year ago

glenrothes

I had a car accident yesterday, hit a stationary car at the traffic lights, out jumps the driver, a dwarf, shouting at me... I am not bloody happy he's says, which one are you then?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic "

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

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By *oanne_MacTV/TS
over a year ago

Perth

I'd cop a forum ban if I told some of my favourite jokes... guaranteed

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I'd cop a forum ban if I told some of my favourite jokes... guaranteed "

The dark humour ones are always the best ones.

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By *oanne_MacTV/TS
over a year ago

Perth


"I'd cop a forum ban if I told some of my favourite jokes... guaranteed

The dark humour ones are always the best ones. "

I concur fully...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Stevie Wonder is playing his 1st gig in China and the place is packed to the rafters.

In a bid to break the ice he asks if anyone has a request.

One chap jumps out of his seat in the 1st row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord!"

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.

The chap jumps out of his seat again and shouts - "No, no, play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord...".

A bit cheesed off by this, Stevie, being the professional he is, dives straight in to a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd go ballistic with this impromptu show of his musical expertise. But, still the little Chinese man jumps up again and shouts "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord!!!". Stevie is really peed off now that this chap doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability and shouts to him from the stage -

"OK smart ass, you get up here and do it"..

The little bloke climbs onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and

starts to sing............

"a jazz chord to say , I ruv you...."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my wife said myhearing was getting worse. I disagreed but went to the doctor anyway. I told him the story and he asked me to describe the symptoms? Easy i said “Homer is a fat bloke and Madge has purple hair!”

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha "

Oh well you might have to send it PM

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By *ringles0510Woman
over a year ago

Central Borders


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha "

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x"

Then someone can send it to me ..stuck out at work needing a giggle

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By *ringles0510Woman
over a year ago

Central Borders


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x

Then someone can send it to me ..stuck out at work needing a giggle "

Still at work!!! Nearly finished I hope? Kicked off my weekend several hours and rum & s ago

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x

Then someone can send it to me ..stuck out at work needing a giggle

Still at work!!! Nearly finished I hope? Kicked off my weekend several hours and rum & s ago "

Probably about 3 hrs to go ..unless I get totally fed up lol

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By *ringles0510Woman
over a year ago

Central Borders


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x

Then someone can send it to me ..stuck out at work needing a giggle

Still at work!!! Nearly finished I hope? Kicked off my weekend several hours and rum & s ago

Probably about 3 hrs to go ..unless I get totally fed up lol "

No one's sent me the inappropriate joke yet. If you got it, send it on? I'll do the same x

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east


"Great stuff. Im scratching my head whether or not to as about the joke thats not suitable for the thread though. "Little blue raincoat" classic

The people I've sent it too can confirm it wouldn't be allowed haha

Ok then.... I want in on it!! PM me please? x

Then someone can send it to me ..stuck out at work needing a giggle

Still at work!!! Nearly finished I hope? Kicked off my weekend several hours and rum & s ago

Probably about 3 hrs to go ..unless I get totally fed up lol

No one's sent me the inappropriate joke yet. If you got it, send it on? I'll do the same x"

Me neither ..it better be good after the wait

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By *rscotsdudeMan
over a year ago

angus

I can confirm it ain't for an open forum!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Time to dust off my annual Christmas joke.

How does good King Wenceslas like his pizza?

Deep pan, crisp, and even.

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

Still not been sent this fabulous inappropriate joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"What's blue and fucks little old ladies ?

That made me giggle x

Me in my lucky blue rain coat ??"

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

OK finally received that joke ...if it can be called a joke ...not worth waiting for

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don't rain on his parade Bunk, at least he's trying. Where's your joke?

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By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east


"Don't rain on his parade Bunk, at least he's trying. Where's your joke? "

That wasn't a joke tbh

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Don't rain on his parade Bunk, at least he's trying. Where's your joke?

That wasn't a joke tbh "

Lol x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"OK finally received that joke ...if it can be called a joke ...not worth waiting for "

It was pretty funny...

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By *oanne_MacTV/TS
over a year ago

Perth

Nobody sent me this joke to cast an experienced, critical eye over

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By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago

Blantyre

Plz send us this inappropriate joke too plz or will need to post a totally rubbish one on here.

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By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago

Blantyre

A ventriloquist driving through the country when his car suddenly breaks down. He

Walks up to a big farm on the hill to get some help.

When he cant find anyone he decides to have a bit of fun.

He walks up to a cow and says, hello what are you and what do you do. He then puts on his best cow ventriloquist voice and says im a cow and i give the farmer milk every day. Thats great he replies. He then walks up to a hen and says , hello there what are you and what do you do. In best hen ventriloqiust voice he replies im a hen and i give the farmer eggs every morning. Thats great he replies He looks up just in time to see the farmer has been watching him and the farmer runs behind a huge barn. The ventriloqiust follows him round and there at the back of the barn the farmer has a sheep pinned up against the barn door and the farmer saying to the sheep. You better keep yer feckin mouth shut.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... she looked surprised

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took my grandad to pictures he said I've just done a silent fart what will I do , I said replace your hearing aid battery

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The 65year old flasher had thoughts of retiral but thought no i will stick it out for another year.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing

round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn

more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his

bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that

could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats

sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying

really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus" says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

...

"What the F##k would they want with a plasterer ??!"

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By *rgoodnbadMan
over a year ago

greenock

Guy turns up at the dentist for his bi-annual check up and is sitting in the chair, head back and dentist probing around his mouth.

"you had a 69 earlier" the dentist said.

The guy was a little surprised, " how the hell did you work that one out?" he replies.

"easy" retorts, the dentist, there's still a bit of sh%t up your nose".

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By *ighland gentlemanMan
over a year ago

Ardgay

Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches just wouldn't reach.

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By *exicolaMan
over a year ago

West Lothian

Where is Justin Timberlake's favourite place in Russia?

The Crimea River.

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By *eADevilCouple
over a year ago

Blantyre


"Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches just wouldn't reach."

Dont get it ?

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow


"Why do elephants have 4 feet?

Because 6 inches just wouldn't reach.

Dont get it ?"

An elephants penis wouldn’t reach far if it were only 6 inches of it . A 4 foot long one would be better .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hubby says to wife...

"I fancy kinky sex, let me cum in your ear"

Wife says.. "OH NO I might go deaf"

Hubby retorts "well you've been swallowing cum for years and your still talking"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I remember walking the dog with grandad when the skies suddenly clouded over, grandad said: 'looks like rain son!'. I said: 'yeh grandad, tell me something I don't know!' He replied: 'I can fit my full fist up your grans arse!'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that, says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing

round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," Explains the duck.

"I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn

more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his

bag and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves. The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that

could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats

sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!" "Sounds marvelous,"says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.

"Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying

really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck.

"Where is it?"

"At the circus" says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

The duck asks again, "with the big tent?"

Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in

caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says

...

"What the F##k would they want with a plasterer ??!""

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