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By *cots70 OP Couple
over a year ago
west lothian |
THE SCOTSMANS GUIDE TO LOVE MAKING
PREPARATION
Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man. Arriving back
from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac 12 pints, a
white pudding supper and 3 pickled onions - his mind is set on one thing -
LOVE! Or as he says, 'Ma nookie!'
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of
passion, 'Any chance of ma hole?'
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale
beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at
first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the
flirtatious reply, 'Awa tae fuck, ya bampot, ye!'
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually
landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant, 'Here we go, here we go, here we go.' Upon reaching
the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is a classic
example of alcohol-induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend
itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem
and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive
words of encouragement such as, 'Ya useless bastard,' or possibly, 'I'll
tell ye wan thing...it never happens tae ra Milkman.'
FELLATIO
Oral is a great favorite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a
cheeky invitation, 'How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne?'
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. 'Guan
yersel,' she says, 'jist dinnae bother me.'
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol
induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his
willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer
from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase, 'Fuck me, I've shoat ma load.' If this does occur,
it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender
and loving compliments such as, perhaps, informing her that she's the nicest
woman he's ever come across.
An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to
be spoken dirty to, says such things as, 'Shite, arsehole.' The woman is
speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of
jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if she should repaint the
ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, 'Are you
sure its in?' given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal
partner should be a versatile lover specialising in the faked orgasm. This
takes the form of a breathless shout, 'Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.'
Eventually it's all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie
falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
Aye, there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs quite
like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
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