FabSwingers.com forum: Shite jokes

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Give everyone a laugh / groan & tell us your shitest jokes.

Let's start with

What do you do if you see a spaceman?

Park in it man!

Mr J

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's yellow and dangerous

Shark infested custard

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and square

An orange in disguise

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm. He said “Two beers please, one for me and one for the road.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A panda walks into a bar and says to the barman "i'll have a rum and................................................... please"

The barman says "okay, but whats with the big pause"

The panda replied "I was born with them"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did captain hook say on his 80th birthday ?

Aye matey.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *awty_MissDynomiteNo1Woman
over a year ago

No idea, I'm lost. Damn Sat nav!

Scottish guy goes into a pub in London and orders 5 double whiskies and drinks one after the other in 30 seconds.

The barman says jesus you drank them quick.

The Scottish guy says aye so would you if you had what I have .

The barman says why what have you got ?

A Scottish £20 note replies the Scots man lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road

He couldn't get his dick out of the chicken

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Recent re-runs of the Flinstones have been syndicated around the world. People in Dubai don't understand it but those in Abu Dhabi dooo

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *arymore1Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Why does an elephant have four feet.................... because six inches would look ridiculous

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's brown and sticky ??

A stick

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the wee biscuit cry?

His maw was away fur too long.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *9 DEVILS ADVOCATE 69Man
over a year ago

Kilmarnock

What do you get when you cross a bulldog with a shitzu?

Bullshit

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and smells of green paint?

Red paint

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A centurian walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please"!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a guy with a bag on his head?

RUSSELL

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

REMEMBER - condoms are not 100% safe... a friend of mine was wearing one once and got ran over by a bus

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"REMEMBER - condoms are not 100% safe... a friend of mine was wearing one once and got ran over by a bus

"
even I can't go that low

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"REMEMBER - condoms are not 100% safe... a friend of mine was wearing one once and got ran over by a bus

even I can't go that low

I hate russian dolls... they are SO full of themselves

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A horse walked into a bar and the barman said "why the long face?"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Mr J

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Yo mama's so fat, when she goes to a restaurant she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.

Mr J"
well your mommas so dumb if brains were petrol she couldn't power a match box car round the edge of a ten pence piece !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bad spellers of the world - UNTIE!!!!!!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm so glad no one has told any German sausage jokes yet... they really are the wurst...

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"REMEMBER - condoms are not 100% safe... a friend of mine was wearing one once and got ran over by a bus

even I can't go that low

Really? Are you sure? Not like you are very tall

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ripleXrateDWoman
over a year ago

Ayrshire

What smells and sounds like a bell

Dung xx

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

Snowballs

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's brown and sticky ??

A stick

Parcel tape

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A horse walks into a bar...barman says why the long face

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A horse walks into a bar...barman says why the long face "

Twice in one day, wonder if it was the same horse

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *akleonMan
over a year ago

Helensburgh

Why did the skeleton not to to the party? Because he had nobody to go with.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *akleonMan
over a year ago

Helensburgh

Why did the skeleton not go to the party? Because he had nobody to go with.

Can you spot the trick word?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *UNKIEMan
over a year ago

south east

What do you call a monkey in a minefield

A BABOOOOM

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a monkey in a minefield

A BABOOOOM

And the monkey behind him??

An ArangaBANGGGGGGGGG

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heard about the magic tractor?? It turned into a field

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *atmanhMan
over a year ago

bellshill

How do you make s snooker table smile?

Put your hand in it's pocket and tickle it's balls

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a monkey in a minefield

A BABOOOOM

And the monkey behind him??

An ArangaBANGGGGGGGGG"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a glaswegian superhero?

Quality man

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the bakers hands smell???

Because he was kneading a joby ??

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's pink & hard?

A pig with a flick knife

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

"
pmsl

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

Bare bum

(from my 10yr old)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Scotsman englishman and an irishman walk into a bar the barman says is this some kind of a joke

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *atmanhMan
over a year ago

bellshill

What's pink, wrinkled and hangs out yer pants

Yer mum

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the height of disgust?

2 tramps sitting on a dung heap, sucking diahorrea through a sweaty sock.

You asked for shite and that's what you got

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

(I know what your thinking

)

Bare feet !

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the height of disgust?

2 tramps sitting on a dung heap, sucking diahorrea through a sweaty sock.

You asked for shite and that's what you got

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

(I know what your thinking

)

Bare feet !

"
from your 10 year old again?

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

(I know what your thinking

)

Bare feet !

from your 10 year old again?

yep

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

(I know what your thinking

)

Bare feet !

from your 10 year old again?

yep "
quality

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there

Bare

Bare who

Bare Arse (and that was mine, if 10yr old said that his bare Arse would be red

)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'll get my coat.....

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'll get my coat....."
aye you've pulled

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'll get my coat.....aye you've pulled

"
aye you

lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A flasher was going to retire at 65 but thought he would stick it oot fur another year made me smile

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A flasher was going to retire at 65 but thought he would stick it oot fur another year made me smile

"
it's a shame for you son

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Occupation jokes could have had a job as a carpet layer didnae have a flair for it worked as a postman for awhile better than walking the streets got the sack from.my bank job for taking my work hame wee me went to join the navy the guy asked if i could swim i said why you nae boats god they are bad

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Occupation jokes could have had a job as a carpet layer didnae have a flair for it worked as a postman for awhile better than walking the streets got the sack from.my bank job for taking my work hame wee me went to join the navy the guy asked if i could swim i said why you nae boats god they are bad

"
o think your scraping the bottom of the barrel now mate

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

best yet

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I agree one more a guy went in to a doctors and said doc i think i am a moththe doc said you need to go to a physchiatrist he said i was going but seen your light on lol hud your sides chuckle chuckle

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Big Issue Pal" ?

Can a tell you a joke

Nae bother

Knock Knock

Who's there

A thought you were homeless

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *iceguy 1966Man
over a year ago

in pa postcode

I came back from the doctors and told my girlfriend that the doctor said that i was to have dailysex.

She called the doctors and then said to me "you daft fecker you have dyslexia"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

lmao forgot about that one ....

but... how does a monkey make toasted cheese????

He puts it under a gorilla!!!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If an Arab buys a dairy does he became a milk shiek

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the height of disgust?

2 tramps sitting on a dung heap, sucking diahorrea through a sweaty sock.

You asked for shite and that's what you got

Whats the height of stinginess ?

Asking them for your sock back

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Knock knock

Who's there

Wee man

Wee man who

Wee man that canni reach the doorbell (dlt)

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Wee man

Wee man who

Wee man that canni reach the doorbell (dlt)

"
cowbag

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Knock knock

Who's there

Wee man

Wee man who

Wee man that canni reach the doorbell (dlt)

cowbag

you know I like that kinda name calling

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats green and goes red at the touch of a button

A frog in a liquidiser

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get hanging from Apple trees?

'Sore arms!'

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was brought up as an only child!

My brother and sister hated it!!!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Worst ever?

What do you call an unmarried mermaid?

A single fish!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a half brother and a half sister,then my mum took the hacksaw off me

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the wrost day of a bat?

When he has diarrhea.

Sorry but i love it... Lol

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What's the wrost day of a bat?

When he has diarrhea.

Sorry but i love it... Lol"
not getting that

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Bats hang upside down doh

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a man who doesn't get sick? Neville

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to a seafood disco last night........... I pulled a mussel

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A horse walks into a bar...barman says why the long face

Twice in one day, wonder if it was the same horse

Horse is on the piss. Only a matter of time before it falls over

Hooft now that's naaaayyyyhhhhh good

OMG scrape the bottom of the troff there

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's an Indian karaoke singer called

Gettupn Singh

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call an indian lifeguard? Didyahand yebandin

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *9 DEVILS ADVOCATE 69Man
over a year ago

Kilmarnock

A snail goes into a pub to order a drink. He gets to the bar and the barman picks him up and flings him out the door. 2 weeks later the snail comes back and says ''what the fuck was that for?''

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chicken cross the park?

To get to the other slide!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *oysGalore90Woman
over a year ago

Angus

What kind of bee's produce milk.

BOOBIES!

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Benjamin button

Benjamin who?

Benjamin

Who's there?

Knock knock

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *ard to beatMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I phoned into work today to say I was sick

My boss asked how sick was I

I said I'm sleeping with my sister

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A horse a sheep and a cow all sleeping in the same bed and the cow said moooove over so the horse said neigh bother and the sheep said baaaastards and fell out the bed.

What do you call a dwarf that fell into a cement mixer?

A wee hard man.

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a glaswegian superhero?

Quality man "

A Liar

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 01/07/16 06:37:43]

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

went to the shop to buy 8 cans of sprite got home and realised i only picked 7up

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By *mooth shaftMan
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Whats black and white and red all over

A newspaper boom boom

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's black white and red and can't turn road in a phone box?

A nun with a spear in her back

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Out in the Wild West, a 3-legged dog storms into the bar and says "am looking for the man that shot ma paw"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After being in the lifestyle for some time, a couple has a heart to heart talk about if they are to continue swinging or not. The husband decides to take a walk out in the city and mull it over.

During his walk he runs in to a disheveled homeless man who asks for some money. He replies to the homeless man:

"If I give you some money, will you spend it on booze?" "No" replied the homeless man "I don't drink"

"If I give you some money will you spend it partying with you're friends like that guy in the van down by the river?" "Absolutely not" he said, "I gave up partying long time ago".

"If I give you some money will you spend it on a hooker?" "Not a chance" the homeless guy said" I'm just trying to survive here, I don't do those kinda things".

The man paused a second and said "In that case, I'll take you home with me and my wife will cook you a fantastic dinner". "I don't know" the homeless man replied, "I'm very dirty, I'm a mess and I smell bad".

"That's okay," said the man "I just want my wife to see what happens to a guy who doesn't drink, party or have sex"

Reply privately

Reply in forum

Reply +quote

Post new Message to Thread