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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Guy goes into bar and asks for 2 double vodkas .....bar man says "you had bad day" .....he replies "just found out older brother is gay".

Following day same guy asks for 4 double vodkas barman says "jesus another bad one " ...he replies"just found ut younger brother gay to"

Following day he asks for ..6 double vodkas ..barman says "christ does no one in your family like WOMEN?"...... he replies ....."YES MY WIFE !!!!! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Vicar was upstairs grabbing the chance to have a wank, but the window clean spies him through the window.

Kinda embarassed he dashes downstairs and window cleaner knocks door, "that'll be £100 please vicar" says the window cleaner with a wink n cheeky smile.

Vicars wife runs through and says "for 4 small windows £100 !!!"

"He must of seen you coming" she says

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Tourist asks Irish fisherman,,,

"Scuba divers, why do they always topple into the water backwards"?

Fisherman replies, "ahh now you see sir if they fell forward they'd still end up in the boat".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife says to hubby, "make luv to me like they do in the movies" so he chucks her over the couch and quite porno stylee does it all very quickly and wildly, after it he gets the dirtiest looks, seems they have drastic diffrent taste in movies.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whilst taking a bath, a five year old boy asks his mother, 'Mum, are these my brains?'

To which his mother replies, 'No, not yet!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Snail goes into a pub, asks for a drink, with no warning barman chucks him out.

2 years later the snail lookin all knackered and gasping gets to bar n says,,, " What dyou do that for"?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wee girl rushes out to the back garden and scoops up her lovely fluffy fem cat, as she walks back in she says to the big Tom cat sat on fence, "yer no gettin any".

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By *adgeeMan
over a year ago

Loch Lomond

Paddy's been arrested for punching his wife. The judge asks " Why do you keep beating her? " ......

Paddy says "I think its my weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork your honour"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

TRY THIS ONE , when u leave a friends house, wait a few mins then phone tham, as soon as they answer say " look down the side of the seat where i was sitting mate and see if my phone is there ", see how many fall for it pmsl.

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By *rgiesformeMan
over a year ago

North Glasgow

A Shite and a pair of jumpleads enter a bar, the Shite says two pints of lager...The barmen says youz are not getting served....your steammin and he's gonny start something

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A little boy asked his mother:

- Mummy, why are you white and I am black?

- Don’t even ask me that, when I think about that sex party..., you are lucky that you don’t bark.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A twink who was opening a new bar was consulting his lawyer. The lawyer explained to him that he needed a liquor license.

"That's disgusting!" he exclaimed. "I don't need that! This is a GAY bar!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 10/11/10 06:34:22]

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By *uvhandleMan
over a year ago

Huntly

Screwfix direct sent me a very nice letter this morning thanking me for my interest but explained they wern't a dating site

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a nosey neighbour says to the wife.

its a disgrace that you make your little boy walk 2 miles to school everyday when you have a car. you should drive him to school as you dont know what may happen with all the wierdo's and peodiofiles out there.

The wife replied im sorry but he goes to a catholic school and is taught by priests when he gets there.SO walking to school is the least of his worries

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

david hasslehof goes in to a bar in glasgow and says tae the barman gies a pint the barman says you are david hasslehof and he says just call me hof and the barman says aright nae hassle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a magician on a cruise liner is constantly having his tricks spoiled by the ships parrot.

everytime he does a trick the parrot shouts "its in his pocket!4 of clubs!its got a false bottom!" he hates it.

that night the ship sinks and the parrot and the magician are left clinging toa bit of drift wood.

for 4 days the parrot says nothing. he just stares at the magician.

on the 5th day the parrot says ok

I give up wheres the fucking ship.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Sean n Mick were lookin in the mail order catalogue, Sean says, "jeez look at all these women and so cheep too, £19.99, £29.89" Mick says, "thats it, im gettin one".

Few weeks later Sean asks Mick, "now did you get your woman?"

Mick says "No , but her clothes came yesterday"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are pirates called pirates ?

Because they

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A girl asked paddy, if you were stranded on a desert island with one person in the world who would it be?

he said My uncle mick.

she said oh Whys that then?

he said he's got a boat.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Pat and Mick are looking through a catalogue, Pat says, "look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."

Mick says, "I'm going to order one of them right now."

Three weeks later Pat says, "Has your woman turned up yet?"

Mick says, "no, but it shouldn't be long now, her clothes turned up yesterday."

Ok, I'm leaving...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Before you go, scroll up,lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

god visits a guy in edinburgh.

says to him before you can get into heaven, you will have to give up, smoking, boozing & sex, guy says ok i will do my best. 6 weeks later god visits again, says how are you getting on with what i said. guy say well i gave up the smokes, gave up the booze, but toiling to give up the sex, why my son god say,s. guy replies, well the other day i seen the wife bending over the freezer, could not help myself, pulled her knickers down, then shoved my cock right up her. god say,s they dont like that in heaven, guy replies, they were not to chuffed about it in asda either!!!!!!!

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By *l coupleCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

New Polish cleaner took bloomin 5 hours to hoover the house,turns out shes Slovak.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i put a tenner on a horse the other day.... it fell off

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