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your best sex joke

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By *lay_Mate_Required OP   Man
over a year ago

eadt kilbride

post your best sex joke and no your last meet doesn't count

A German guy approaches a prostitute.

"I vish to buy zex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £50 an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girls flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vil get on your hans und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duckcaller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

FAB

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" the son asks. "Yes. You see them and they make you cry." This infuriates his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, "Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?" The mother smiles and says, "Well, dear, a man also goes through three phases. In his 20s, his penis is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it's like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it's like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" the daughter asks. "Yes: Dead from the root up, and the balls are just for decoration.

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By *inkyman looking for funMan
over a year ago

bathgate


"post your best sex joke and no your last meet doesn't count

A German guy approaches a prostitute.

"I vish to buy zex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £50 an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girls flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vil get on your hans und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duckcaller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!" "

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By *antonkid1955Man
over a year ago

cardiff

Don't use lemon condoms....why not???,,, because you will cum in a jiffy..boom boom.,!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

"

love it! !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do jewish men watch porn movies backwards?

They like the part where the prostitute gives the money back

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By *ogue78Man
over a year ago

edinburgh


"post your best sex joke and no your last meet doesn't count

A German guy approaches a prostitute.

"I vish to buy zex vit you"

"OK" says the girl, "I'll charge £50 an hour".

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky".

"No problem", she replies cautiously, "I can do a little kinky". So off they go to the girls flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller. "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs". The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vil get on your hans und knees".

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow Zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds this odd, but figures its harmless, and the guy is paying. The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duckcaller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered the breath to say:"That was totally amazing, what do you call that?"

"Ah", says the German, "Four-sprung duck technique!" "

Brilliant!!

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By *razy dancerMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Was in Glasgow last night when a young lady came up to me and said would you like to sleep with me for £50 i said im not very tired but i could do with the money lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went into chemist and asked for condomes

Sorry but were all out !! Try boots???

I want to shag her not kick her to death !!

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By *lue4youCouple
over a year ago

Lanarkshire


"A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down to pick it up I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even have enough time to undressed himself." So she agrees. Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She responds, "The Bastard used coins I'm still picking and he is still fucking!"

"

Funny as fuck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.

"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."

"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."

"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was quite shocked when i read the headline"young boy tosses off cliff".

Just goes to show you never know whats lurking in the shadows

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Thank fuck for that.cliff richards a suspected peado,so that means we dont need to listen to his shite at christmas.

just waiting to see if anyone was touched by noddy holder

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By *uzanne and RickyCouple
over a year ago

Midlothian

"Your eyes are like a bag of spanners!" I said to the stunning blonde at the bar. "What" she replied, shocked at the lousy chat up attempt." they make my nuts tighten!" .

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By *antonkid1955Man
over a year ago

cardiff

If you are caught speeding by a police camera van which is manned by civilian staff and a ticket is issued..is it legal..bearing in mind that only a police officer can issue you with a speeding ticket.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a girl meets a guy in the dancing , when leaving she whispers in his ear

take me somewhere and make me damp and wet , he replies

im not fucking taking you down to Greenock at this time of night!!

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By *berdeenGuy1979Man
over a year ago

aberdeen

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?

Spitting, swallowing and gargling!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you are caught speeding by a police camera van which is manned by civilian staff and a ticket is issued..is it legal..bearing in mind that only a police officer can issue you with a speeding ticket."

Funniest sex joke in years!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you are caught speeding by a police camera van which is manned by civilian staff and a ticket is issued..is it legal..bearing in mind that only a police officer can issue you with a speeding ticket."

My sides are in orbit

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Whats the difference between sin and shame?

Its a sin to put it in and a shame to pull it out

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"If you are caught speeding by a police camera van which is manned by civilian staff and a ticket is issued..is it legal..bearing in mind that only a police officer can issue you with a speeding ticket.

My sides are in orbit "
this is in fact actually true

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country.

Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for!

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By *ikerbob1957Man
over a year ago

Glasgow


"Some one asked me how people view lesbians in my country.

Apparently 'Usually in HD' wasn't the answer they were looking for!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My ex, that is the biggest sex. Joke,

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boss: Who said that just because I tried to kiss you at last month's Christmas party, you could neglect to do your work around here?

Secretary: My lawyer.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two interesting facts about me.

1) My knob is the same length as 2 Argos pens.

2) I'm banned from Argos.

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By *lay_Mate_Required OP   Man
over a year ago

eadt kilbride

“A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"“A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake in the living room?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch! ""
boak

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By *ussymufferMan
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

whats the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? the wife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Your mum.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.

The proud Dad says "I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"

The boy replies "That's all right Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway".

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man and woman, complete strangers are booked on an overnight sleeper train.

Finding a mix up and that they have to share a room and so quick get over the initial embarrassment and settle Dow for the night he on the top bunk and her below.

Around 2am he awakes freezing and apologetically enquires if she is awake.

He then asks politely if she minded reaching into the cupboard and fetching him a spare blanket.

She replied "I have a better idea, let's pretend for one night we are married"

He thinks about it and agrees to which she replies

"Get up and get you own fuckin blanket ya fat lazy bastard"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"A man and woman, complete strangers are booked on an overnight sleeper train.

Finding a mix up and that they have to share a room and so quick get over the initial embarrassment and settle Dow for the night he on the top bunk and her below.

Around 2am he awakes freezing and apologetically enquires if she is awake.

He then asks politely if she minded reaching into the cupboard and fetching him a spare blanket.

She replied "I have a better idea, let's pretend for one night we are married"

He thinks about it and agrees to which she replies

"Get up and get you own fuckin blanket ya fat lazy bastard"

"
^^^^^^^^^^^

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from "

I'm a former bus driver and was asked that question by a 4th year girl on one of my school runs

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from

I'm a former bus driver and was asked that question by a 4th year girl on one of my school runs"
ooofffftttt!!!!!

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