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WATS UR JOKE 2DAY !!

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

ill start lol xx

girl go's into work an someone comment 2

her that her tits looked like a

25year old's..she went home an told her

hubby an he said wat they say about ya

55year old fanny..she reply oh they didnt

mention u... lol xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ive got the good lady a new bag n belt for valentines this year....... Be good for her to get that hoover working again.

Running wheres ma coat lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

that was shit dunky lol xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

does your wife/girlfreind have any unwanted gold rings,braclets,watches, or ear ringslying around?

then slap her hard on the arse the ungratefull bitch.

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By *ynnandwillCouple
over a year ago

Hamilton

won my first cage fight today,......fing budgie didnt know what hit it

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

was in the pub the day , and some geezer offered me 8 legs of venison for £50 !!

ye think thats 2 dear ?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

got offered a 38 inch flat screen lcd tv wi no volume button for £100

ye cannae turn that doon

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A valentines funny .... Love may not make the world go round, but I must admit that it makes the ride worthwhile!

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says “Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don’t mean?” The second guy replies “Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits. So instead of asking her for ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh’ I asked for ‘two tickets to Titsburgh’”. The first guy says, “Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying ‘Honey, could you please pass me the sugar?’ I said, ‘You’ve ruined my life you fecking bitch!’”

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, “Can I smell your pussy?” The woman looks at him in disgust and says, “Certainly not!” The guy pauses for a minute and says, “Hmmm… it must be your feet, then.”

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By *empnbunkCouple
over a year ago

south coast

Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.” The second woman says “Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!” To which the first replies, “Whoa I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

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By *awty_MissDynomiteNo1Woman
over a year ago

No idea, I'm lost. Damn Sat nav!

Whats the diffrence between match of the day and a toilet seat ?......

No an would ever miss match of the day lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 guys break into a bank in ireland instead of one big safe they find 20 small ones. they crack open 1st to find it is full of pots of vanilla puddings, they eat the puddings thinking at least we won't be hungry, they then open other safes to reveal the same they leave the bank feeling full if not a little queasy after too many puds. Headlines in paper next day "Irelands biggest sperm bank robbed during the night"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman in her Toyota texts her pal,"Cant stop,talk later! "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy takes a holiday in Ireland during the troubles. He goes into a shop to buy a sandwich then takes it to his B&B. He then realises it has three wires sticking out of his meal and calls the bomb experts. when the officer arrives he asks...was it 'tickin'. No the guy says. Cheese & ham.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Man walks into his livingroom where his wife is sitting very freely and has no knickers on. Mary! The guy shouts. I will spell it out to you. Will you shut your L....E....G....S. Why says mary? Because the wayne can see youtr 'fanny'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A very sad day today. My beloved cat past away. I stupidly left the washing machine door opened and the poor thing climbed in. Ah! well at least she died in comfort.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

here is a dirty joke

joke the coalman

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canny beat the ol ones

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

3 guys are sitting on there lunch break talking about the latest gadgets when suddenly a beeping sound filled the air and one guy raised his arm and touched it and said "im getting paged ive got a microchip under my skin",next thing a phone rings and other guy lifts the palm of his hand and says "the wifes calling me ive got a microchip under my skin".The other guy is feeling very low tech at this point and goes to the toilet and comes back naked with toilet paper hanging from his arse and says "would you look at that im getting a fax"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw a dwarf wearing a T.shirt that said "i hate imigrants" i thought.... thats a little racist !

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

lol greig xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You are on a horse being chased by a lion, you cant get away, to your left is a tiger and to the right is a Zebra, what can you do to escape this perilous situation??

Get your d*unken ass off the carousel and act yer feckin age hehehe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

postman pat is on his last ever round after 25 years solid service ...he gets to jackie's door when she comes out ...pat she says you been a brill postie an we'll be sorry to see ya go here's a 25yr old bottle of malt fer yer retirment ...oh thanks very much he says an toddles of on rest of his round when he comes to sally's hoose an she comes oot ..pat she says 25 years rain sleet or snow ye always been oot an delivered oor mail here this is for you and hands him a box of 25 cuban cigars ...off pat toddles again till he gets to the last hoose wee senga an oot she comes wi her wee sexy negligee on .. she takes pat by the hand an tyakes him right up stairs to her bedroom an proceeds to fuck the life oot him after they finnish she leaves him to get dressed an cooks him a lovely big fry up for his breakfast as he's getting stuck in she grabs her purse an hands him a five pound note ....at this he looks at in besument ..so asks senga ..wots wi the fiver ..the shaggin i get the breakfast i get but the fiver ??? well she replys i told my husband it was yer last day an we should do something for ye ...he said fuck him gie him a fiver ...the breakfast was just my idea !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

wee paddy had been on the bru fer sometime and it was coming to christmass ..so he calls his sons in one by one an asks them what they want for xmass ...seamus the youngest says da. i know yer skint all i want is a wee tartan tie fer xmass ..awww seamus yer a good lad says paddy

next wee mick comes in an his da asks him the same ..aw da he says i know yer skint aw i want is a wee tartan hanky for xmass da that'll do me ..aww mick yer a great lad says paddy wi a wee tear in his eye

next the eldest tam comes in an paddy asks him what he wants ..tam says can i have a grand da !!

A GRAND A FECKIN GRAND whit do ye want wi a feckin grand paddy screams yer brothers are happy wi just a tartan tie an a tartan hanky but you want a feckin grand

well da says tam i've aw ready got a wee tart in trouble

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why dont Italians eat flies? Because they cant get thier legs open. ...Old yin but 'classic'

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By *_jkCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

A man walks into a bar and says to the barman "Line me up ten whiskies"

So the barman lines them up and the man gulps them down one after another.

"Jeez" says the barman "What are you celebrating then?".

"My first blow job" replies the man.

"Oh well" says the barman "for that I’ll buy you one myself."

"No thanks" says the man "If ten doesn’t get rid of the taste, another one wont help."

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By *ickedWWoman
over a year ago

Chester

Phone rings, a woman answers it..

Pervert on the other end says 'Have you got a fat smelly twat'

Woman replies,Yes, he's on the settee, do you wanna speak to him '

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy goes into a petshop and askes if he can buy a wasp.

Petshop owner said he doesnt sell them and the guy replies you have two in the window. Boom Boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bag full of fannies?

Clitorous allsorts

Boom Boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bag full of fannies?

Clitorous allsorts

Boom Boom

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Who is the coolest guy in a hospital?

The ultra-sound man.

x

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By *blahdeeMan
over a year ago

Northampton

Two fish in a tank ... one says to the other, how do you drive this thing? lol

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By *_jkCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

Apparently they put female hormones in beer.

They may do cause after 10 pints I get emotional and lose the ability to drive.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the winter olympics have just been thrown into turmoil after the death on the luge course.

the irish bob sliegh team are refusing to compete unless the course is gritted first.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The following are all replies that have been included on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details.

"Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by [name removed]. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night."

"I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps."

"I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party [address and date given] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks"

"I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced."

"I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again."

"I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise."

"I do not know who the father of my child was, as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket."

"[name given] is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs ?"

"From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm having the best sex of my life at 45!!

Trouble is I stay at No 49!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The recent drop in the number of suicide bombers has been accredited to our own Miss Susan Boyle (Subo)

Apparently now that muslim radical's know what a "Virgin" looks like their not in as much of a rush to get there!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

BREAKING NEWS.

Celtic have sensationally turned down a 270 million sposorship deal with a well know dog food company.

fans said the thought of the team wearing a shirt with WINALOT on the front was taking the fecking piss.

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By *ickedWWoman
over a year ago

Chester

If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day, it increases her chances of having a stroke...

But if you buy her the bottle, she will probably suck it for you aswell

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a load of easterhouse weans go on a bus trip to a safari park

one of them opens the emergency exit and before you know it they are all out the bus running among the animals.

a warden screams "OH my god the lions the lions"

wee johnny turns round and says shut it ya prick

were no gonae touch yer fecking lions

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My council tax bill !!!!

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