FabSwingers.com mobile

Already registered?
Login here

Back to forum list
Back to Scotland

Jokes page

Jump to newest
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

At an international medical conference an Israeli doactir said, 'Medicine in ma country is so advanced, we kin take a kidney oot eh wan person, pit it in anuther, in huv him lookin fur wurk in six weeks.

A German doactir said, 'That's nuthin! In Germany we kin take a lung oot eh wan person, pit it in anuthir, in huv him lookin fur wurk in four weeks.

A Russian doactir said, 'In ma country medicine is so advanced, we kin take a hert fae wan person, pit it in anuthir, in huv him lookin fur wurk in two weeks.

The Scottish doactir, no tae be ootdone, said,’Hah! We kin take an ersehole fae England, pit him in 10 Downing Street, in huv hauf the country lookin fur wurk within twenty-four hoors.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *ser No Longer On SiteMan
over a year ago

Ghlaschu

Wow - all those nationalities & they spoke fluent Glaswegian. Were they all working for the Greater Glasgow Health Board? Probably all migrant workers stealing our jobs! Lol.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

Jeez I remember that one when it was about Thatcher!!!

Know any new ones Kilted??

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814


"Wow - all those nationalities & they spoke fluent Glaswegian. "

lol was thinkin the same.....Not an easy read

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Jeez I remember that one when it was about Thatcher!!!

Know any new ones Kilted?? "

eye but the classics r the best

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

When they can be read without giving google translate a nervous breakdown....

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *exyducksCouple
over a year ago

west coast

The perfect husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £980,000 for it."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *exyducksCouple
over a year ago

west coast

How many women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with?

I told her 'Only you, all the others kept me awake shagging all night'!!!

She then packed my bags and as i walked out of the door she screamed...

'I wish you a slow and painful death you b@stard'.

'Oh' I replied, 'So you want me to fecking stay now'!!!

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West


"How many women

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The other night my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with?

I told her 'Only you, all the others kept me awake shagging all night'!!!

She then packed my bags and as i walked out of the door she screamed...

'I wish you a slow and painful death you b@stard'.

'Oh' I replied, 'So you want me to fecking stay now'!!! "

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What kind of cheese would you use to hide a horse?

Mascarpone

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *riendly foeWoman
over a year ago

In a crisp poke on the A814

A man invites his mate back home for dinner.

His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not done my make up, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking! What the f**k did you invite him round for?"

"’Cos he's thinking of getting married."

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *londeCazWoman
over a year ago

Arse End of the Universe, Cumbria

As I bent over and the nurse applied the cream, she asked "how on earth did this happen? What the hell were you doing?"

I replied, "....well, I met this guy in the pub and found him rather attractive....."

"Whoaaa," she said. "Too much inflammation"

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 prostitutes are talking in a cafe about what punters they are picking up.

One says "the usual,flash cars,blonde hair and wee cocks".

Her pal says"your going for the wrong ones,go for the wee deformed ones they have huge cocks".

So she's walking down the street and spies this wee fella with a hump on his back and asks if he'd like to go up stairs for half an hour.

He explains he doesnt have any many to which she replies"its on the house".

"Nice one" he says.

When they get upstairs he drops his trousers to reveal a good 12".

She says"oh thats lovely can i kiss it?"

He says"missus you can kiss it,caress it,fondle it and bite it but for fuck sakes dont blow up it thats how i got this hump on my back"

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 

By *lirts.R.usCouple
over a year ago

lanarkshire

Ten times?...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her

class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up,

angry, and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that!" "I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,

"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said,"The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind, Two, you didn't read your homework, and three, one day you are going to be very,

very disappointed."

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
 
 

By *lirts.R.usCouple
over a year ago

lanarkshire

EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.

It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain..'

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced'.

'That's a fair point,' replied God, 'But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

' Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, 'But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see...where did I put that useless Tit?'

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than all that crap about the rib?

Send to men with a sense of humour & women who figure this makes sense.

Reply privatelyReply in forumReply +quote
Post new Message to Thread
back to top