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Two blokes wur doon the pub.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

As usual the subject gits oantae sex. Wan says tae the uthir, "How's yir sex life pal?"

"No too good. Every time me in the missus huv sex, she loses

interest hauf way through."

The furst bloke says, "Aye, a know whit yi mean. I used tae huv the

same problem, bit a fun a cure. A hid a starter pistol unner the

bed. When she started to run out of steam, I fired the pistol. It geed hur such a fright thit she goat aw excited in couldnae git enuf. A wish I'd done it years ago."

The other bloke says, "Aye, A think al try that anaw."

A few days later thir back in the pub again. The furst bloke says,

"How did yi git oan wae the starter pistol?"

The other bloke says, "F*ck pal! Don't talk tae me aboot starter

pistols! Last night we wir havin sex in the 69 position. Is usual,

she loast interest hauf way through, so a fired the starter pistol,

just like yi said."

The furst bloke says, "So, whit happened?"

The other bloke says, "She nearly bit ma cock Aff, shat in ma face,

in a man came oot the wardrobe wae ees hauns up!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did someone buy you a joke book?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? "
nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late"

Don't worry about that. I'm back now

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

Don't worry about that. I'm back now "

bout time getting lonely here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

Don't worry about that. I'm back now bout time getting lonely here"

Awe don't get lonely. I will laugh at your erm....jokes.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

Don't worry about that. I'm back now bout time getting lonely here

Awe don't get lonely. I will laugh at your erm....jokes. "

lol bless

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

Don't worry about that. I'm back now bout time getting lonely here

Awe don't get lonely. I will laugh at your erm....jokes. lol bless"

That's what I thought when you started telling your jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Did someone buy you a joke book? nup lol

just trying to living the place up a bit since its been dead of late

Don't worry about that. I'm back now bout time getting lonely here

Awe don't get lonely. I will laugh at your erm....jokes. lol bless

That's what I thought when you started telling your jokes "

hehehe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Anymore jokes?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A fierce Highlander is drinking in a Glasgow pub. He consumes about ten pints, but just as he starts on his eleventh, he feels the call of nature.

Dubious about the character of the Glaswegian, he gets a post-it note and scribbles on it

"This pint belongs to the Inverness Heavyweight Boxing Champion" and sticks it to the glass.

On his return he sees another note stuck over his, which reads

"This pint is now inside the Glasgow Half Mile Sprint Champion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

That's a good one x

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

I think Billy Connolly & Kevin Bridges can sleep easy....

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

While walking down the street one day a "Member of Parliament" is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly & nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises....

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday, we were campaigning.. ...

Today, you voted."

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