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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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To appreciate this email you have to have lived and worked in Scotland ,
OR have been around Scots people a lot. It tests if the extent to which
you understand the strange way Scots talk amongst themselves. And then
it tests your taste for the strange, corny sense of humour - something
which often takes a long time to understand, i.e. tests how long you
really were in Scotland
....
Until email was invented this test never left Scotland . Here it is - how
many of these 22 jokes do you get?
Can you match the quality with your own material and contribute to the
Government strategy of growing Scottish humour at a rate to match that
of equivalent countries in the western world (excluding Germany for the
obvious reason) by 2015 ?
Hint: this is difficult, even if you were born and brought up in
Scotland you may not get them all! If you get more than eight you
become an honorary Scotsman(woman)!
1. A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing from?'
'From my knickers tae ma feet. '
2. A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
'Comfy?'asks the dentist. 'Govan,' she replies.
3. What did the Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography...?
Oor Wullie.
4. A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: 'How much for the set of
antlers?'
'Two hundred quid,' says the bloke behind the counter.
'That's affa dear,' says the guy.
5. Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He's awa' noo.
6. After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be
wearing the kilt.
'And what's the tartan?' asks his mate.
'Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress,'
7. Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ? Coo eight.
8. Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement. Which one's a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.
9. A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning his sister from a
telephone box.
So he calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
'Is there money in the box?' 'Naw, it's just me,' he replies.
10. While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
'Do you think I'm getting a wee bit pigeon chested?'
And he says: 'Aye, but that's why I love you like a doo.'
11. What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.
12. What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.
13. How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.
14. A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that
there is a lace missing.
'No,' argues the assistant, 'Look at the label - it says Taiwan .'
15. What's the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen
sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: 'Hey you, get off of my cloud.'
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: 'Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..'
16. What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.
17. Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue
for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It's called The Aw' Needin' Line.
18. What about the Scotsman who lost his testicles in a motorcycle
accident?
The surgeon re-attached them with Bostik.
19 .. While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
'What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?'
'I'd put him off at the next stop,' he says.
'Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?'
'I'd take the first two weeks in August,' he replies.
21. Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives
make a negative - 'Aye right.'
22. A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street .
When he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
'What's up Jimmy?' he asks.
'Piston broke,' he replies.
'Aye, same as masel...
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auds xx
