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By *lgernon OP Man
over a year ago
cupar |
(cant claim credit but thought it was so v funny)
PREPARATION
Friday night is very much love-night for the Scottish man.
Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional aphrodisiac -
12 pints o' "Heavy", a white pudding supper wi' 3 pickled onions - his mind
is set on one thing, "LOVE," or as he puts it "ma nookie"!
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night's
dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with the gentle words
of passion - "Ony chance o' ma hole, doll?"
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale
beer or the sensuous vision of the remnants of pickled onions sticking to
the stubble on his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant.
This coy reluctance is expressed with a flirtatious reply "Awe tae fuck, ya
bampot, ye! "
FOREPLAY
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male
casting off his lightly soiled Y-fronts provocatively at his wife, usually
landing skid-mark side down, as he approaches the bed singing the ancient
Gaelic fertility chant, "Here we go, here we go, here we go."
Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 incher. This is
a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.
INITIAL PROBLEMS
After 12 pints, sometimes the man's member is a trifle reluctant to extend
itself (Literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man's self-esteem
and the wife has to be very tactful.
She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as "Ya
useless droopy bastard" or possibly "I'll tell ye wan thing.... it never
happens tae the milky."
FELLATIO
Oral is a great favourite of the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a
cheeky invitation
"How'd ye like tae pit yer teeth roon this Daphne? "
Although the lady's name is not Daphne, she will nod willingly and point
suggestively to her falsies smiling happily on the bedside tumbler. "Help
yersel," she says "jist dinnae bother me. "
DOWN TO BUSINESS
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol
induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his
willies to use for penetration. Sometimes in his excitement he may suffer
from severe premature ejaculation. A phenomenon he explains to his wife
using the poetic phrase "Oh tae fuck, I've jist shoat ma load."
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife
by uttering tender and loving compliments such as, perhaps
informing her that she's the nicest woman he's ever come across (in this
case, literally). An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read
that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as "Oh Shite," "Fuck
me," or something similar
The woman is speechless and aghast. The man is now trying to thrust away,
his mind a
kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts.
The woman wonders if she should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a
word or two of encouragement such as "Are you sure it's in? "
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman's ideal partner should be
a versatile lover specialising in the art of the faked orgasm. This takes
the form of a breathless shout "Ooyah, ooyah, ye muckle big brute. Get aff,
yer squashin' me !!!"
Eventually its all over. The man rolls over, wipes his tadger on her
nightie/duvet cover/flannelette sheet/velvet curtains (delete whichever is
inapplicable), falls asleep, sometimes farts loudly, all before he starts
snoring like a pig.
Aye there's no doubt about it, there's no one in the world performs quite
like a Scotsman - a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.
Well Mebbe..........
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