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jokes section

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

since some do post jokes

why not have a wee section

for it, so I start it lol

ha

thats the joke

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My new girlfriend said I have to wait 6 months before she'll suck my cock. I told her I totally understand and respect her decision and I'll give her a call nearer the time

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By *ustlovesexMan
over a year ago

Wishaw

A young cowboy and an old cowboys are sitting round the campfire.

The young one says "pappy this trail dust has sure dried my lips up. What can I for them"

The old one drawls "son, go into the desert and kiss a buffalo's arse"

"is that good for chapped lips pappy"

"I dunno son, but it sure keeps y'all from lickin 'em"

-----------

A guy gets on a bus and says to the driver "a single to Blantyre please"

The Asian bus driver says "this bus doesn't go to Blantyre sir"

"it's got Blantyre on the front"

"it's got India on the tyres but I'm not going home either. "

------------------

2 vomits were walking down the road. One turns to the other and says "I was brought up round here you know"

------------------

A train driver is shocked when he spots a naked couple having sex on the line in front of his speeding train.

He blows the whistle and jams on the brakes as he hurtles towards the couple.

The driver is amazed to see they are making no attempt to get off the line. In fact the guy is hammering away even faster.

By a miracle the train pulls up with the buffers only a foot from the mans bare arse.

The driver storm off the train and confronts the couple "what he fuck are you doing ? Did you not see or hear the train coming"

The man looks at him sheepishly and says,"yeah I heard you, but she was coming, I was coming, and you was coming"

"And you're the only one that's got any brakes"

-------------/

A new Scottish supermarket opened up near me. I popped down for a look and spoke to the owner.

"a good shop you've got here but youve mispelt the banner in your window. You've put BOGO instead of BOGOF"

" No that's right" said the tight bastard.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Star trek's Captain Kirk has had to ditch his latest idea for a new lingerie line. After getting samples made he decided his label "Shatner Knickers" needed a little more work

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a superhero ned? Quality man!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 03/07/13 16:16:58]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do tofu and a dildo have in common? .....They are both meat substitutes

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

Oh dear.... Some of these jokes are so bad that Live at The Electric would reject them.....

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By *ustlovesexMan
over a year ago

Wishaw


"Oh dear.... Some of these jokes are so bad that Live at The Electric would reject them..... "

Well you could always contribute some better ones lol

What's the smelliest thing in the world ?

A kippers fanny

-----------------

talking of star trek, capt Spirk and Mr Cock are still aboard the starship Intercourse trying to get rid of those pesky Klingons

------------/-/////

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By *ussymufferMan
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

Scottish first day fixtures have just released celtic v Aberdeen on sky motherwell v hibs on ESPN and hearts v rangers on the history channel

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West


"Scottish first day fixtures have just released celtic v Aberdeen on sky motherwell v hibs on ESPN and hearts v rangers on the history channel "

Now THAT one is funny!

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By *un_JuiceCouple
over a year ago

Nr Chester

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!"

The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out; he returns and says,

"Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too."

The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!"

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and Thank you for all you give us."

A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others.

She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious."

The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Spanish cow with no legs???

Grassyass!!!!

Hahaha

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By *illow PimpMan
over a year ago

Midlothian

I was sat in the pub last night when this bloke walked in wearing a black top, black shorts and a whistle in his mouth. I thought to myself this cunt is going to kick off in a minute.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Scottish first day fixtures have just released celtic v Aberdeen on sky motherwell v hibs on ESPN and hearts v rangers on the history channel "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Big fight at a gypsy wedding in Ireland goes to court and the judge asks can anyone explain what happened?

Paddy says 'I can I was the best man and I was dancing with the bride, we were dancing quite close when the groom stormed up and kicked the bride rite between the legs'...'I see says the judge, that must have hurt'? Bloody right says Paddy, broke 3 of my fingers.

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By *ustcutieWoman
over a year ago

edinburgh

Loving this thread

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/07/13 23:50:51]

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By *iceguy 1966Man
over a year ago

in pa postcode

A shite and a wig go into a pub.

The wig asks for 2 pints if lager.

The barman refuses to serve them.

The wig asks why they are not getting served???

The barman says " well he"s steaming and your off your head"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dear Deirdre

As it was such a nice sunny day yesterday, I walked up the garden and as I looked over the fence I noticed my gorgeous next door neighbour was sunbathing topless. She didn't spot me so after a few minutes of taking in the view I started to have a wank. As I spunked up all over the fence I realised that my wife was standing behind me and had witnessed the whole episode. Deirdre, do you think my wife is a pervert?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between a refrigerator and a fanny??

A fridge don't fart when you pull the meat out!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The snail that gets kicked oot the pub by the barman without any warning.

2 years later...all out o puff, the snail gets to the bar....says to barman, "what dyou do that for?"

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By *cottish-guy!Man
over a year ago

Helensburgh

Three tampons walking down the street, which one says hello?

None, their all stuck up cunts

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By *ustlovesexMan
over a year ago

Wishaw

NEWSFLASH

Following the hijacking of a truck loaded with 6 tons of Viagra, police are on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.

----------------

What was the best thing before they invented sliced bread ?

-----------------

Police have announced the worlds first Cialis death. A man took 12 pills and his wife died.

------------------

Circumcision - the unkindest cut of all, still it's no skin off my nose.

------------------

Guy gets to the chemist counter and says

"99 condoms please"

"Fuck me" says the female assistant

"make that a hundred then" says the guy.

------------------------

The CIA have revealed how they finally tracked Bin Laden.

They sprayed his house with Viagra and the prick stood up

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: Why do they call it the wonder bra?

A: When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.

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By *cots-1Man
over a year ago

kirkcaldy

Wee Jimmy walks by the empty shop in Sauchiehall Street where 2 guys are inside checking it over, he pops his head inside the door and asks ""what ya selling""?, 1 guys says to the other watch this the wee twat .. ""were selling fannies"" Oh ah see says Jimmy only 2 left then

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By *aturisttwoCouple
over a year ago

dumfries

The definitive answer to the age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Balls?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the balls is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for that conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say,

"You know, I think I would like another kick in the balls."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on. "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said. "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested. "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A young man cawed Chris fae London wantid tae buy a Christmas present fur his new girlfriend.

They hudnae been seeing each uthir fur very long in she lived

in Scotland.

Chris consulted wae his sister in decided, efter careful

consideration, thit a pair eh good kwality gloves wid strike the right note... no too romantic in no too personal.

Aff he went wae his sister tae Harrods in they selected a dainty pair of fur lined kwality leather gloves. His sister boat a pair eh sexy knickers fur hursel it the same time.

Harrods hud a free gift wrap oaffir bit the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister goat the gloves in Chris unknowingly goat the knickers.

Good auld Chris sent aff his gift wrapped present in a parcel wae the following letter.

Dear Maggie

A chose these cause av noticed thit yi urnae wearin eny whin we go oot in the evenings. If it hud no been fur ma sister a wid huv

chosen the long wan wae buttons, bit she wears shoarter wans (which urr easier tae git aff).

These urr a very delicate shade, bit the wumin a boat thim fae showed me the pair she hud been wearin fur the past three weeks in a hardly noticed any marks.

a goat hur tae try yours oan fur mi in she looked really smart in thim even though they wur a wee bit tight oan hur. She also said thit they rub against hur ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she husnae needed tae waash it since she began wearin thim.

A wish a wis there tae pit thim oan fur yi the furst time, as nae doubt miny uthir hauns will touch thim before a huv a chance tae see yi again.

Whin yi take thim aff remember tae blow intae thim a little bit cause they wull be naturally a wee bit damp fae wearing thim.

Jist imagine how miny times ma lips will kiss them during the cumin year. A hope yi wul wear thim fur me oan oor next date.

Aw ma luv

Chris

P.S. Ma maw tells me thit the latest style is tae wear thim folded doon wae a we bit of fur showin.

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By *he Enigmatic MagnetMan
over a year ago

Glasgow West

We've not had an update for a while:

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs...

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Strings walk into a bar. First one orders a drink.

Bartender says we don’t serve your kind in here. So the second string ties itself into a bow and proceeds to order a drink. Nope, says the bartender, you’re a string.

Third string ties itself into a knot and frays each end. Orders a drink. Bartender eyes the string up and down and says, aren’t you a string?

And the string says, frayed knot!

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By *l_and_geeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

Edinburgh

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a couple in bed. He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed. The convict gets on top of her & kisses her neck. Then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,

“Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist,don't complain......do what ever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill both of us !!! Be strong, honey. I love you!”

His wife responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline.

I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Scottish first day fixtures have just released celtic v Aberdeen on sky motherwell v hibs on ESPN and hearts v rangers on the history channel "

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