FabSwingers.com forum: ADD A JOKE

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

let have awee joke day 2 cheer up the place ill go first lol xxx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

a nursery teacher asks her class if any of them can use the word definately in a sentence.amy says'the sky is definately blue' the teacher points out that it can also be orange or grey. ian tries with 'the tree r definately green' sorry but in the autumn they're brown says the teacher.little johnny stands up 'do farts have lumps? the teacher is horrified.an replies no of course not dont be so silly OK ..ive DEFINATELY shit myself...lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a nursery teacher asks her class if any of them can use the word definately in a sentence.amy says'the sky is definately blue' the teacher points out that it can also be orange or grey. ian tries with 'the tree r definately green' sorry but in the autumn they're brown says the teacher.little johnny stands up 'do farts have lumps? the teacher is horrified.an replies no of course not dont be so silly OK ..ive DEFINATELY shit myself...lol"

fab

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

2 glasgweian nuns r in a car when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.the nun behind the wheel screamed at her friend show him ur cross the nun leans out the window an shouts..get tae fuck ya prick or ill boot ya baws....lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"2 glasgweian nuns r in a car when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.the nun behind the wheel screamed at her friend show him ur cross the nun leans out the window an shouts..get tae fuck ya prick or ill boot ya baws....lol"

laffin like fekk here! was she a 'sister' of yours?

xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

those jokes are a hoot .. im rubbish at jokes will phone a friend for a joke lol xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sister margaret is alive and well living in glasga

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

sister margaret is alive and well living in glasga

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 16/01/10 13:58:25]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hector an wife upsterrs, lights oot an heavy snorin...CHAP CHAP at door....Hector gets up, wraps the dressin goon oan an runs doonsterrs...Opens door an therrs yer man sayin "pal kin ye gie me a push?" Astonished an pissed aff intae the bargain, homeowner then goes intae "Do you have any idea of the time here Sir? It's half past two and I have an early rise for work and I don't appreciate you rousing us from sleep"...Slams the door an huffs back up tae bed.. Who was that? asks the wife...Aw just someone who needs a push and I told them the hour etc...Oh Hector said the wife, I cannot believe you couldn't help them, have you no memory of when we were alone with the three kids in the middle of the night, car broke down and thank GOD for that good samaritan who helped us in our hour of need...."Oh you're sooo right dear, how thoughtless of me" said Hector beltin oot the bed an makin his way to the door again...As he opened it he shouted in earnest...Friend...Are you still there? Do you still need that push?....Aye came the reply....Well where are you friend shouted Hector....Ower here replied friend...Oan the swings!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

i know it sounds like me eh lol

oh an thanks i love u both 2 lol xx

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol@laine

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

roses r red..violets r blue

faces like urs belong in the zoo

dont be mad ill be there 2

not in the cage but waving at u lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"roses r red..violets r blue

faces like urs belong in the zoo

dont be mad ill be there 2

not in the cage but waving at u lol "

my my... yu got a spring in yur step today....... you been jumping?

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

jack an jill were just married an

jack said 2 jill..try my trouser's on

jill said i cant do that they 2 big

jack said..EXACTLY always rember i wear

the trouser's in this house an always will

jill said u try on my knickers

jack said ill never get into them

jill EXACTLY an if u dont change ya

attitude u never will... lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"roses r red..violets r blue

faces like urs belong in the zoo

dont be mad ill be there 2

not in the cage but waving at u lol

my my... yu got a spring in yur step today....... you been jumping?

i wish lol thought it was time

4 a wee laugh lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Okay Stunna last Glaswegian joke from me, promise

Two robbers broke into a Glasgow house. Once they were inside a tremendous fight ensued.

Bruised and bleeding,they finally emerged by the back window.

We didnae dae sae bad said one....we came oot wi twenty pounds.....

Aye said the other....But we went in wi fifty

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

pmsl laine xxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Okay Stunna last Glaswegian joke from me, promise

Two robbers broke into a Glasgow house. Once they were inside a tremendous fight ensued.

Bruised and bleeding,they finally emerged by the back window.

We didnae dae sae bad said one....we came oot wi twenty pounds.....

Aye said the other....But we went in wi fifty

great

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Just for you View

Heather Mills has put in an official complaint to the producers of Dancing on Ice, saying it was insensitive to make her dance to..... Footloose!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Just for you View

Heather Mills has put in an official complaint to the producers of Dancing on Ice, saying it was insensitive to make her dance to..... Footloose!!

lol lol that is so bad ... bad bad girl.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

and

oi I like _eather mills .....

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Okay View, no more Glaswegian OR Heather jokes.... sorry

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q, Whats the difference between a sixy nine(69) and a six point nine (6.9)

A a six point nine is the same as a sixty nine but interupted with a period.

If you think thats yuk it was

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Is it to early for haiti joke or should we wait for the dust to settle

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No surprize haiti is such a mess after twenty aftershocks i cant find my house either

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By *eatherWoman
over a year ago

glasgow

police are advising folks to shop at ASDA in robroyston in the evening as its murder during the day

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

q. whats the diffrence with driving in the fog & giving a guy a sixty nine ( 69_)

a, giving a guy a 69 you can see the arsehole in front of you xxxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i know how the ppl of haiti feel after 30 aftershocks i cant find my house either xxxx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Not quite a joke but made me laugh.

Some nicknames that have been given to Glasgow characters by their friends

and workmates:

Two Soups - his real name is Campbell Baxter.

Norrie Two Bunnets - the Glasgow taxi-driver who wears a wig under his

cloth cap.

The Colostomy - the girlfriend of a married man (ie. The wee bag on the side).

The Boomerang Kid - whenever anyone at work asks a question, he always

replies: 'I'll get back to you on that. '

The Parachute - lets everyone down at the last minute.

Cashline - an experienced young lass who's open 24 hours a day.

Vaseline - his real name is Willie Burns.

Rembrandt - loves saying to colleagues: 'Let me put you in the picture...'

Bo Derek - a chap called Derek with terrible body odour.

Brewer's Droop - his real name is Willie Falls ..

The Genie - magically appears whenever anyone opens a bottle.

The Marksman - when it's his turn to buy a round, he always shoots the craw

Dulux - his pals reckon he's only got one coat.

Soapy - washes his hands of any problems that crop up..

Captain Hook - continually late for work, it's believed he must be scared

of the alarm clock.

The Yeti - always on the sick, there have been many unconfirmed sightings

of this guy, but nobody can prove he actually exists.

The Gas Man - he's serviced loads of old boilers.

The Hostage - when anyone asks for help he always replies: 'Sorry, my

hands are tied.

The Chernobyl Jannie - during the mid-Eighties this guy had a really bad

complexion.

The Woodpecker - he's always tapping.

Mussolini - a woman in an office in Glasgow who has rather loose morals

(aka the great dicktaker)

The Olympic Flame - He never goes oot

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A teenager nervously asks his granny "gran have you seen some pills, I left them in the livingroom & they say LCD on them...."

"Forget the pills son" she replied "Have you seen the effing dragons in the kitchen"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

He Said To Me.... I Said To Him

He said to me . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

I said to him . . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me . . ..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

I said to him . .....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ....... Why don't women blink during foreplay?

I said to him .. . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

I said to him .. . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good-looking?

I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

I said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

He said. . . A widow.

He said to me . . .. Why are married women heavier than single women?

I said to him . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge

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By *ALKER33Couple
over a year ago

edinburgh

new viagra out

Sponsered by Tiger woods

TIAGRA

Because 18 holes is just not enough!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What does a 9 volt battery and a womans asshole have in common ??

You know it's wrong but sooner or later you are going to touch it with your tongue!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol loads of gd jokes

well done u lot see we can

have a laugh lol xxx

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By *awty_MissDynomiteNo1Woman
over a year ago

No idea, I'm lost. Damn Sat nav!

Mickey Mouse divorcing Minnie Mouse

when it goes to court the judge reads.....

I c u r divorcing minnie on the grounds she has Buck Teeth is that correct Micky?

Nooooooooo replys Mickey its because she was FUCKING GOOFY

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Q: Why did God invent yeast infections?

A: So that women too would know what it's like to live with an irritating cunt!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

took the mother-in-law out the other night

...........................................one punch,ya beauty

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

young boy sitting at his fathers death bed he say's

dad why do you keep telling people that your dying of aids when its kidney failure you've got?

dad replies well this way son when i die nae coont will want to shag your mother.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a bear with no paw.

Rupert the bastard

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By *ll4funandMan
over a year ago

all over

A couple were watching a tv programme on the phenomenon of 'mixed emotions'. The husband said,"Total crap! There is nothing you could say to make me happy and sad at the same time."

The wife replied, " Out of all our friends, your cock feels best inside me!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

have you ever heard of the bucking bronco position?

its the same as doggy but you hold on tight and whisper into her ear

your sister is a better ride then you.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig i have to fuck when you're not up for sex"

His wife says " I think you'll find thats a sheep"

He replies I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A big dirty farmer walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says "this is the pig i have to fuck when you're not up for sex"

His wife says " I think you'll find thats a sheep"

He replies I think you'll find i was talking to the sheep!!!!

oi!!!!

.... u been bugging my bedroom?????

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand and picked it up.

Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded,"You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said,"Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side.

His penis was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Observations on Growing Older

~Your kids are becoming you...and you don't like them

...but your grandchildren are perfect!

~Going out is good.

Coming home is better!

~When people say you look "Great"...

they add "for your age!"

~When you needed the discount, you paid full price.

Now you get discounts on everything...

movies, hotels, flights, but you're too tired to use them.

~You forget names ... but it's OK

because other people forgot

they even knew you!!!

~The 5 pounds you wanted to lose

is now 15 and you have a better chance

of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

~You realize you're never going

to be really good at anything .... especially golf.

~Your spouse is counting on you

to remember things you don't remember.

~The things you used to care to do,

you no longer care to do,

but you really don't care that you

don't care to do them anymore.

~Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair

with the TV blaring than he does in bed.

It's called his "pre-sleep".

~Remember when your mother said,

"Wear clean underwear in case you GET in an accident"?

Now you bring clean underwear in case you HAVE an accident!

~You used to say,

"I hope my kids GET married...

Now, "I hope they STAY married!"

~You miss the days when everything worked

with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch..

~When GOOGLE, ipod, email, modem ...

were unheard of, and a mouse was something

that made you climb on a table.

~You used to use more 4 letter words ...

"what?"..."when?"... ???

~Now that you can afford

expensive jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.

~Your husband has a night out with the guys,

but he's home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

~You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you've read it.

~Notice everything they sell in stores is "sleeveless"?!!!

~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.

~Everybody whispers.

~Now that your husband has retired ...

you'd give anything if he'd find a job!

~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet ...

2 of which you will never wear.

~~~~But old is good in some things:

old songs,

old movies,

And best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!

Kids Are Quick

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Kids Are Quick

____________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA: Here it is.

TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?

CLASS: Maria.

____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'

GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'

TEACHER: No, that's wrong

GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this kid)

____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?

DONALD: H I J K L M N O.

TEACHER: What are you talking about?

DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WINNIE: Me!

__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '

MILLIE: I is..

TEACHER: No, Millie...... Always say, 'I am.'

MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'

________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie,

do you know why his father didn't punish him?

LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.

_________________________________ _____

TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?

SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..

Did you copy his?

CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?

HAROLD: A teacher

______________ ____________________

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

anton thats no jokes thats books lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I'm an author

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By *awty_MissDynomiteNo1Woman
over a year ago

No idea, I'm lost. Damn Sat nav!

And a film star WOW LOL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Yes and a film star.

Wait a minute a guy multi tasking somethings no right here

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By *awty_MissDynomiteNo1Woman
over a year ago

No idea, I'm lost. Damn Sat nav!

ohhhhh i think its perfect Anton lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...

.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles

.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says........ .... "Blow Job Revenge

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.

'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession. I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'

The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'

Soon thereafter, another Irish man entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'

This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'

'A new woman in the neighbourhood,' the sinner replied.

'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.;

At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall,

Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.

The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'

The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A couple was sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! he said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him".

Then she left the room.

The father said "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you. I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting.

I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy.

"I couldn't ride it right now anyway, my arse is too sore

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,**

**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**

**This is Daddy.**

**Is Mummy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**

**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Bryan'**

**After a brief pause,**

**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Bryan.'**

**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy, Right now.'**

Brief Pause..

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**

**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**

**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy**

**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**

**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later**

**The little girl comes back to the phone.**

**'I did it, Daddy..'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **

**'Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**

**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**

**And now she isn't moving at all!'**

**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Bryan?'**

**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**

**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**

**And into the swimming pool.**

**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**

**Last week to clean it.**

**He hit the bottom of the pool hard and I think he's dead.'**

*****Long Pause*****

*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****

**'Swimming pool? ..........Is this 486-5731?'*

**No, I think you have the wrong number.........

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Dear sir,

Your application to join our match-making service has been declined, Due to question #14.

What do you enjoy most in a women?

"your dick" is not an acceptable answer

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mr Smiths phones the surgery for his wifes test results. Receptionists says "sorry, we have 2 set of results for a Mrs Smith, and they have gotten mixed up One has Altzimers and the other has AIDS. the man says "oh dear, what should i do?" the receptionists says "Drop her off in town, and if she finds her way back DONT SHAG HER"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

A duck walks into a pub and orders a

pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

Hang on! You're a duck."

I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

And you can talk!..Exclaims the barman.

I see your ears are working too

Says the duck.

Now if you don't mind, can I have my

beer and my sandwich please?"

Certainly, sorry about that

Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

I'm working on the building site across the road,"

Explains the duck.

I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe

the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him

You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

Sounds marvelous says the ringmaster,

handing over his business card.

Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

I'm always looking for the next job,"

Says the duck..Where is it?

At the circus Says the barman.

The circus..Repeats the duck.

That's right Replies the barman.

The circus? The duck asks again.

with the big tent?"

Yeah..the barman replies.

With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

that's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .

What the fuck.. would they want with a plasterer??!" ... lol

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"I'm an author "

think im one myself lol xx

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I went to a charity disco last week in aid ofwomen born with no legs, the dance floor was crawling with fanny

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol 44 were u on the floor 2

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

If a long condom goes on a long prick and a short condom goes on a short prick, what would you put on a thick prick? ............................... A RANGER TOP.....PMSL

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained (as usual) with a headache! "Perfect" he says I was just in the bathroom powdering my cock with crushed asprin. You can take it orally or as a suppositoty, its up to you!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Nun gets on train, skinhead in front of her eating a bag of prawns, he starts spitting the heads at her so she pulls the emergency cord. skinhead says you'll getfined £50 for that you stupid cow, Nun says" when a cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you stupid cunt!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i hear that bill shatner(captain kirk) and stevie nicks(fleetwood mac think?) are to get married...

She will be now known as STEVIE SHATNER NICKS

lol that makes me chuckle every time lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

After 20yrs of sex in the dark,a wife finds out her husband had always used a dildo on her!She turns to him and says "Explain the dildo,Prick".He turns to her and says"Explain the kids,Bitch!"

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By *l_and_geeCouple (MM)
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Whilst Mummy and young daughter are spending some quality time together the young girl out of the blue asks her mum, "Mummy where do babies come from?

Oh says mum a bit flustered, erm well dear Mummy & Daddy fall in love and get married. Then one night they go into the bedroom and they kiss and hug and have sex,.. that means that Daddy put his penis into Mummies vagina and that's how you get a baby darling.

Oh okay says young girl but the other night I went into your bedroom and daddy had his penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Well... says Mummy.....jewellery !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a

Passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and

Started to tell his mother.'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was

Giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's

Face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped

Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Mummy fainted!

Moral:

Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story

Before you interrupt!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Council Job Application...

A guy goes to the Local Council to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?'

He answers 'Yes - caffeine'

'Have you ever been in the services?'

'Yes,' he says. 'I was in Iraq for two years.'

The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment,' and then asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?

The guy says, 'Yes 100%...a bomb exploded near me and blew my testicles off.'

The interviewer tells the guy, 'O.K. In that case, I can hire you right now. Normal hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10 AM every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the hours are from 8 AM to 2 PM, why don't you want me to be here before 10 AM?'

'This is a council job,' the interviewer says. 'For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little Johnny comes home from school and hears some strange noises coming from upstairs. He creeps up the stairs and walks into his parents room only to catch his parents having sex. This upsets him and he starts to cry.

"Don't be soft his Dad says, it's nothing to get upset over".

The next week little Johnnys' parents come home and hear strange noises coming from upstairs. They creep upstairs and into their bedroom to find little Johnny shagging his Grandma over the dressing table.

"What the.........!!!!!!!!!!!" Yells his Dad.

"See"

Says little Johnny

"It's not so funny when it's your Mum, is it??!!"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

2 englishmen opening a shop in argyle st

are sitting in the empty shop waiting on

stock being delivered..first english man

says to his mate 'bet u we get some

scottish bastard asking wat r we selling

sure enuff within 5min the door opens

and a wee glaswegian says whit yous selling

in here big yin..the english man says

arsehole's..without missing a beat the

wee glasgweian comes bck 'yur dain well

only two left...pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Daffy Duck calls the hotel desk and asks for a condom.

They ask,"shall we put it on your bill" he says "are you thucking thupid i'll thuffocate!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hillbilly teaching his son to masterbate,

son says "dad this is great"

father replies

"yes son and when your older you can use your own cock"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Authorities in Haiti have just returned a container with 250,000 Rangers tops back to Nike with this message:

"We have no homes, no food and no money, but we still have our dignity"

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Authorities in Haiti have just returned a container with 250,000 Rangers tops back to Nike with this message:

"We have no homes, no food and no money, but we still have our dignity""

i see they still have there

brains pmsl

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

liked this a lot lol!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the potato cross the road?

He saw a fork up ahead.

How do you describe an angry potato?

Boiling Mad.

Why didn't the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster?

Because he was a commontater.

Why wouldn't the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone?

He desperately wanted a scoop.

What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato?

Anything, just butter him up.

What does a British potato say when it thinks something is wonderful?

It's mashing!

What do you call a baby potato?

A small fry!

For all those who get fed up with spuds 5 times a week

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a redhead and a blonde walking past a flower shop.

the redhead looks inside and there is her boyfriends buying flowers.

she says oh shit he always has expectations after buying me flowers ad i dont fell like spending the next 3 days on my back with my legs in the air.

the blondes

say why dont you have a vase.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

the farmers weekly newspaper carried out a survey on sheepshagging.they travelled the length and breadth of the country asking farmers if and how they shag their sheep.every time they get the same story the farmers all tell how they take their sheep to the edge of a long drop so that the sheep push back on them.eventually they get to aberdeen and a farmer explains he likes the sheep on their back in the missionary position.the reporter explains the position everyone else takes and the farmer replies "whit nae kissin"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

a woman goes to the doctor and say doctor everytime i open my legs a wee voice says come on the celt's

the doctors says it's ok a lot of fannies do that .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/01/10 19:25:28]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

some fab jokes

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