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By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago
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ok blatantly nicked off my bike clubs site...
may make some o ya`s laugh tho...
I went to the doctors. He said 'I'd like you to lie on the couch'.
I said 'What for?'
He said 'I'd like to sweep the floor'
I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to.
A women stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said 'What do you want?'.
'I'd like to stay here'
'Ok. Stay there'.
I went to the doctor. He said 'you've got a very serious illness'.
I said 'I want a second opinion'.
He said 'all right, you're ugly as well'.
I went to the doctor the other day
I said 'have you got anything for wind'
so he gave me a kite.
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.'
I said 'No, just a watch.
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle?'
The bloke said 'Kenwood'
I said, 'Where is he then?'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.
I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.
It's tiny - you couldn't swing a cat in there.
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to
do the splits?".
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said "I can't make
Tuesdays".
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than
anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I
can hardly contain myself.
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "I have five penises" replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a
condiment".
"So I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said 'I want to buy an ice-cream'.
He said 'Knickerbocker glory?'
I said 'I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
1. Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but
don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve
food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says:"A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
8. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."
9. Two cows standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were
nothing to look at either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is
there any thing you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up
and examines his eyes. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
" No, because he's really heavy."
13. Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are
five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or
my dad or maybe my older brother Calvin or my younger brother Ho-Chin. But
I'm pretty sure it's Calvin.
14. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
any.
15. I went to the butcher's the other day to bet him 50 bucks that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too
high."
16. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
17. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
18. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
19. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
20. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?
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.....runs away now ........ |
