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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I would like some advice from anyone who’s experienced this before. Please read before judging.

I love my partner very much. So much that’s it’s killing me that we haven’t been intimate in over 3 years. She’s beautiful, sexy and honestly, the most amazing tits and ass you’ll ever see.

I’m going crazy with the sexual frustration and I’m dying to let some of that out. But it’s now starting to affect my mental health because Im starting to think she’s either no longer interested in sex, or doesn’t find me attractive anymore. She says she still loves me but kinda brushes off concerns whenever I bring this up.

I guess what I’m asking is, has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it? A friend recommend this site to try and help and seek advice if possible.

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By *oShrinkingVioletWoman
over a year ago

the land of unicorns and fairytales

Can be a hard one a lot of women of a certain age have no libido, pressure and stresses of life can put you off, no longer being attracted to your partner consciously or subconsciously, health problems and of course she may be playing away

A lot of times people settle in relationships, platonic and romantic, settle in jobs and only once they are out of those relationships do they realise they weren’t actually fulfilled and completely satisfied but they just “thought” that what they had was enough

Question is if you play away and get caught is it worth the fallout, will you feel guilty about it or be able to see it just as sex and not be emotional about it, how would you feel is she did the same ?

No relationships are going to work without good communication, and in my personal opinion (eek don’t shoot me down) if a partner wasn’t legitimately taking my concerns about our sex life seriously and actively trying to come up with solutions then I’d have to walk, and I have done before, my experiences mostly have been I’ve been wanting too much sex and being demanding only to find I’ve been getting cheated on !! They want their cake and eat it

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By *oShrinkingVioletWoman
over a year ago

the land of unicorns and fairytales

Oh I also note from your veri you’ve already cheated ! Perhaps your wife doesn’t trust you or knows you’ve had infidelities before and has chosen to stay for the sake of face/finances/family

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By *idas ManMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline


"Oh I also note from your veri you’ve already cheated ! Perhaps your wife doesn’t trust you or knows you’ve had infidelities before and has chosen to stay for the sake of face/finances/family "

Seems weird to ask that question when the veri was from January doesn’t it?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Oh I also note from your veri you’ve already cheated ! Perhaps your wife doesn’t trust you or knows you’ve had infidelities before and has chosen to stay for the sake of face/finances/family "

Oh no no, the veri was from before the relationship began! That was when I joined and the person leaving it is someone I’ve met up with and known for many years.

In all honestly, playing away I don’t think is worth it in the grand scheme of things. I always have this thought of “is a few moments of lust worth losing happiness for?”

My friend that brought me here did with the intention of trying to help understand what she might be going though. Your initial reply did help with that. She did say she hadent been playing away. We live together and a bit “hermity” so we are around each other 24/7.

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By *idas ManMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline


"Oh I also note from your veri you’ve already cheated ! Perhaps your wife doesn’t trust you or knows you’ve had infidelities before and has chosen to stay for the sake of face/finances/family

Oh no no, the veri was from before the relationship began! That was when I joined and the person leaving it is someone I’ve met up with and known for many years.

In all honestly, playing away I don’t think is worth it in the grand scheme of things. I always have this thought of “is a few moments of lust worth losing happiness for?”

My friend that brought me here did with the intention of trying to help understand what she might be going though. Your initial reply did help with that. She did say she hadent been playing away. We live together and a bit “hermity” so we are around each other 24/7. "

Ahh I get it now! Sorry for jumping to conclusions lol

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By *nn1330Woman
over a year ago

glasgow

Well I did it , I cheated on my husband once thru here, similar situation , he didn't want sex, I couldn't live without it. However I felt that bad that I eventually called time on things and we split , best thing I did ,, and we had a house together , 4 kids , finance, cars etc , not easy but best thing to do before I got caught and really hurt him. We've both moved on now and I'm happy, he's happy, believe me cheating isn't the way to go , if you're not happy do the right thing !!!!

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By *eiaorganaWoman
over a year ago

Dundee

I think you need to have a serious conversation with her about it, and if she again brushes off your concerns ask her would she prefer you to get sex elsewhere. If everything else in your relationship is working apart from that, and you both still wish to be together, then you both need to work towards a solution. Which means that she needs to engage with the issue.

Counselling may be an option that would help you.

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By *ampWithABrainWoman
over a year ago

Glasgow

The difference between a friendship and a relationship is usually sex right?

But there are times in any relationship where there might be fallow periods for any number of reasons.

If she’s of a similar age to you I’m wondering do you have young children? That can be very tiring and also physically demanding have you ever heard of women being “touched out” when they have young kids that are constantly wanting cuddles etc? You kinda get to the point where you just want your body back to yourself for a bit! Particularly true for some while breastfeeding.

There may be other stressors (work, cost of living, ill health - themselves or loved ones…) which can temporarily kill the libido.

There might be physical/medical reasons.

I agree honest communication is the key. Perhaps go out for a meal together so you’re on neutral ground with few distractions to have an honest discussion (use euphemisms for certain things) and get to the heart of what’s going on.

Sadly there’s also the possibility she’s fallen out of love with you, it happens and sometimes for no real reason.

I don’t believe cheating is the answer, gets very messy WHEN caught (very few cheats are never caught) and you’re dragging someone else into your mess too which isn’t really fair on them. It makes things more complicated not less.

TLDR - talk to her openly, find out why and hopefully be able to address together.

From my own experience what put me off my ex (before I knew HE was cheating) was he was ONLY nice/physically affectionate when he wanted sex, he’d ignore me/be a git all day then come bedtime expect me to just turn it on! Just made me cringe every time he touched me eventually.

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By *ary_ArgyllMan
over a year ago

Argyll

I'd suggest Relate, they provide a safe non judgemental space for discussing these types of problems. However, it would require your partner to acknowledge the issue and be prepared to give counselling a go.

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By *opetop4UMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

There"s lots of great advice given in earlier posts.

When my kids were young, a night away in a hotel would remind us of why we got together.

You could talk to her but if it was me, I"d move on. You"re far too young for a relationship like that.

It there"s no intimacy, there's no relationship.

After 22 years of marriage, my ex made me move to the spare room because she was terrified of COVID. I left after five days. We"d had sex five days previously.

If I"d stayed with her, I"d still be in that spare room three years on.

It"s a tough decision to make but you"ll feel better for it.

Good luck.

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By *he_Wite_NiteMan
over a year ago

Usually Dundee and around

Can I suggest a book called "Come As You Are" by Emily Nagoski.

Maybe suggest reading it together.

Understand her accelerators and her brakes, and maybe together you can remove the blockers from the intamcy you desire. If you can't agree on that and work through that. Then as others above have said. Maybe it's not meant to be any more.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As has been said, a conversation needs to be had and you both have to be completely honest with each other.

It may be that neither of you like what is said, and some of it might hurt, but clearly there's something going on and unless it's addressed, then the not knowing is so much worse.

Cheating isn't the answer, but sex elsewhere with consent could be a solution.

Hubby and I have been together over 25yrs and in recent years our sex life has become pretty much non existent. It really hurt to start with, no-one wants to think they're unwanted.

But we have had several discussions, and have worked through things together. I know he still loves me and wants me, it's just not quite that simple. Every other part of our marriage works, and there's so much more to a marriage than just sex.

I'm in the fortunate position that we originally joined here together, and while things have clearly changed along the way, I have his permission to get sex elsewhere if I want to. I just have to be honest and upfront about it.

I know that won't work for everyone, but if you don't discuss things, then no sort of solution will happen x

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By *ndieCPL2016Couple
over a year ago

Aberdeen


"As has been said, a conversation needs to be had and you both have to be completely honest with each other.

It may be that neither of you like what is said, and some of it might hurt, but clearly there's something going on and unless it's addressed, then the not knowing is so much worse.

Cheating isn't the answer, but sex elsewhere with consent could be a solution.

Hubby and I have been together over 25yrs and in recent years our sex life has become pretty much non existent. It really hurt to start with, no-one wants to think they're unwanted.

But we have had several discussions, and have worked through things together. I know he still loves me and wants me, it's just not quite that simple. Every other part of our marriage works, and there's so much more to a marriage than just sex.

I'm in the fortunate position that we originally joined here together, and while things have clearly changed along the way, I have his permission to get sex elsewhere if I want to. I just have to be honest and upfront about it.

I know that won't work for everyone, but if you don't discuss things, then no sort of solution will happen x"

Blessings for you both.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You have to talk. Try get her to open up and let's the chips fall where they may. You can very definitely get over love and move on to love another person. I wish I had had the guts to say to a married woman I fell for years ago to leave her husband but at the time I just couldn't do it .. the thought of being the wedge that split her family up was too much .. they are still 'together' .. yes of course I shouldn't have entertained or chased her but .. childhood sweetheart, it is what it is.. it was ultimately a very hard thing to walk away. So I'd advise against cheating as you could bring another whole raft of complications to your life. It's never just sex.

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By *pache1971Man
over a year ago

Livingston

Both my wife and I had a couples profile on here but she started to go off sex not long after giving birth to our daughter. As she knew I had a higher sex drive, she has allowed me to meet other people on my own. The only stipulation was that I never go behind her back. I always asked if I could meet and told her where and when I was meeting.

At the latter end of last year we had a discussion and we both realised we more more best friends than anything else and both agreed we were not in love with each other. We have decided to stay together due to our daughter and due to finances. To the outside world we appear to be happily married. In reality we are happy as we both see other people and are open with each other. As most have said, cheating is not the way forward but having a Frank and honest conversation would be.

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By *icar73Man
over a year ago

near you check GPS location

A lot of very good advice from people with partners that understand.

What about when you know the partner will NOT EVER understand the difference between sex and love. Then you are in another minefield.

At your age tell her how you feel and what you need, then ride the storm. It will be worth it in the end.

And good luck!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Couples counselling is what I would recommend.

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By *andC1000Couple
over a year ago

Ashford


"As has been said, a conversation needs to be had and you both have to be completely honest with each other.

It may be that neither of you like what is said, and some of it might hurt, but clearly there's something going on and unless it's addressed, then the not knowing is so much worse.

Cheating isn't the answer, but sex elsewhere with consent could be a solution.

Hubby and I have been together over 25yrs and in recent years our sex life has become pretty much non existent. It really hurt to start with, no-one wants to think they're unwanted.

But we have had several discussions, and have worked through things together. I know he still loves me and wants me, it's just not quite that simple. Every other part of our marriage works, and there's so much more to a marriage than just sex.

I'm in the fortunate position that we originally joined here together, and while things have clearly changed along the way, I have his permission to get sex elsewhere if I want to. I just have to be honest and upfront about it.

I know that won't work for everyone, but if you don't discuss things, then no sort of solution will happen x"

So true, feeling unwanted hurts so much but as you’ve said the key is being honest with each other and actually communicating. If with consent it can work well, it’s not necessarily the cheating that hurts it’s the lies and deceit behind it.

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