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Early morning jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was in bed last night with two thai women.....I felt like I had got the lottery up...yep six balls

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I was at the airport to go on my holidays. I was checking my luggage in. ....the woman said did you pack it your self. I said well the girl friend gave me a hand well actually she sat on it. ....she says no I mean did anybody give you anything..... I said well I did go to Amsterdam in the 80s..

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

Last night I slept like a log woke up after banging my head on the fireplace .

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 24/02/23 11:07:16]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

This one works better spoken rather than written but here goes...

Why did the baker have smelly hands?

Because he was needing/kneading a shite.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I recently got some bad news from the doctor. I've been told I have a rare condition where I can't recognise 1980s bands.

Sadly there is no Cure.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I thought I was bad at jokes lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why was the scarecrow given an award??

He was the best in his field

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By *heeky_BudgieMan
over a year ago

Belfast

I bought one of those Chicken proof lawns.

You should see it. It’s impeccable.

- Tim Vine

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Blind guy walking in leith passing the fish shop......evening ladies

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

I remember a person of small size walking up to a six foot lady....boy did he get a crack on the head.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I remember a person of small size walking up to a six foot lady....boy did he get a crack on the head. "

Just like the dwarf who married a seven foot lady, but he had to jack it in.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've beaten my addiction to Phil Collins lyrics. My friends didn't believe I'd do it, but take a look at me now.

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By *ngelnfugyCouple
over a year ago

Dundee

two 89 year aulds meet in toon furra coffee....one asks the other ...did ye come in the bus?...her pal replied...aye, but i made it look like an asthma attack

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Two senior ladies went to the beach for a walk....suddenly a young lad totally naked came out of the water....one old lady had a stroke...the other could not reach..

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

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By *eedsanewusernameMan
over a year ago

Mainly under the bed...

Judith woke up in hospital after her vaginoplasty, to find 3 bunches of flowers with cards next to her bed.

The first was from her surgeon, congratulating her on his 100th procedure and wishing a speedy recovery.

The second was from her husband, telling her he lives her dearly.

The third was from Mark on the burns ward, thanking her for his new ears.

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By *ew couple4youCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

What do you call a nun that sleep walks ?

A roaming catholic lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two flies sitting on a shite, one farted and the other one says do you mind I'm eating.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've just coughed up a bishop, two rooks and a queen, I've got a bad chess infection.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Like that one...I come over with vic later.....??

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call a nun that sleep walks ?

A roaming catholic lol"

Not seen any like not a one.....nun

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Two flies sitting on a shite, one farted and the other one says do you mind I'm eating. "

Shit joke....??

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"What do you call a nun that sleep walks ?

A roaming catholic lol"

Not seen any like that not a one.....nun

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"Judith woke up in hospital after her vaginoplasty, to find 3 bunches of flowers with cards next to her bed.

The first was from her surgeon, congratulating her on his 100th procedure and wishing a speedy recovery.

The second was from her husband, telling her he lives her dearly.

The third was from Mark on the burns ward, thanking her for his new ears."

Ear ear that man ....??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was feeling poorly last week! I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick and wouldn't be in. He said 'again! how sick are you?' I said 'well...I'm in bed with my sister so make your own fuckin mind up lol!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m a postie. Ever time my alarm goes off at 4.30am. I think that’s a fucken joke

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I was feeling poorly last week! I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick and wouldn't be in. He said 'again! how sick are you?' I said 'well...I'm in bed with my sister so make your own fuckin mind up lol! "

I cant think of a reply to that....its to early yet.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago


"I’m a postie. Ever time my alarm goes off at 4.30am. I think that’s a fucken joke"

You and the cows both ??

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My ex wife said she thought she was losing her mind.....am not surprised....she gave a bit of it every day for 35 years.

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