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"So I've woke up this morning with a raging hard on and I'm thinking to myself, "am gonny stick this in her". No sooner had the thought been thought and she let out a massive fart! I just thought "you clatty bastard". But the horn was still strong so I delayed my entrance until the aroma faded. Just at that moment fart no.2 made an appearance closely followed by a third and fourth. That was it, I was done. The disgust factor over came the horn factor. I went back to sleep, she's a manky bitch." Did you forget to take her out for a walk last night before bed or feed her something that might have upset her tummy, my dogs let off some cracker farts when they’ve had a change in their food | |||
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"So I've woke up this morning with a raging hard on and I'm thinking to myself, "am gonny stick this in her". No sooner had the thought been thought and she let out a massive fart! I just thought "you clatty bastard". But the horn was still strong so I delayed my entrance until the aroma faded. Just at that moment fart no.2 made an appearance closely followed by a third and fourth. That was it, I was done. The disgust factor over came the horn factor. I went back to sleep, she's a manky bitch. Did you forget to take her out for a walk last night before bed or feed her something that might have upset her tummy, my dogs let off some cracker farts when they’ve had a change in their food " That's no way to speak about my wummin. | |||
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"Normal fart or fanny fart? " Normal, they were rotten. | |||
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"Get to a fucking Vet, Pronto!" Get her to a vet I think you mean, that's a good idea. | |||
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"You shoulda tested how your rocket interacted with her wind tunnel. " Toooo risky my friend. | |||
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"Ah you should've stuck it in her arse, the air would create a lovely tickle on your cock. Don't be alarmed if it comes out looking like a lollipop though, it's just fart inflating your foreskin. " As long as it doesn't come out looking like a Magnum.  | |||
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"Ah you should've stuck it in her arse, the air would create a lovely tickle on your cock. Don't be alarmed if it comes out looking like a lollipop though, it's just fart inflating your foreskin. " Hahahahaha actually burst out laughing at this. | |||
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"  buckelt laughing reading aw this! "It's not funny, my hard on disappeared faster than snow aff a dyke.  | |||
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" buckelt laughing reading aw this!
It's not funny, my hard on disappeared faster than snow aff a dyke. "Vicks under the nose is great for blocking out rancid smells. No more disappearing hard ons and she doesn’t end up with a sore stomach trying to hold in her farts.  | |||
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" buckelt laughing reading aw this!
It's not funny, my hard on disappeared faster than snow aff a dyke.
Vicks under the nose is great for blocking out rancid smells. No more disappearing hard ons and she doesn’t end up with a sore stomach trying to hold in her farts. "Also - rub some of the Vicks under your foreskin to stop it ballooning like a lollipop. | |||
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"And I presume the OP’s farts are like roses? "You're not far wrong actually. | |||
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"Many years ago an old local legend was telling us how he was going down on this lady, reckoned she must have been eating cheeseburgers because she farted and gave him indigestion "Did he inhale it? | |||
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" buckelt laughing reading aw this!
It's not funny, my hard on disappeared faster than snow aff a dyke.
Vicks under the nose is great for blocking out rancid smells. No more disappearing hard ons and she doesn’t end up with a sore stomach trying to hold in her farts. "I think the vicks is a good idea, but why not try wedging the tub up her rs hole? Get ready to duck if she manages to get enough g force behind it though, could take your eye out. | |||
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"Many years ago an old local legend was telling us how he was going down on this lady, reckoned she must have been eating cheeseburgers because she farted and gave him indigestion
Did he inhale it?"No, by the sounds of it a bit if cheeseburger has came out and down his throat. Poor old burger | |||
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"If the clatty bitch is Dutch Ovening you with such abandon... perhaps some form of reciprocal air strike could be used? Maybe when she's dropping an 'air-of-the-dog' you should retaliate with an 'air-of-the-log'? Perhaps serve her up a 'cup cake'? Feed her a grabbed handful of 'brownhouse gas' from your own 'gent vent'? Perhaps a bunch of 'air tulips' served at her side of the bed with her morning tea might wipe ther smirk of the Clatty Bitch's face. Or if the clatty bitch actually has a hearty appetite for that kind of destructive atmospheric pollution, maybe at lunchtime you could serve up an "air buffet" which is so much more substantial than the mephitic air biscuits she has been passing you first thing in the morning. However, I would urge caution in your retaliation lest there is an abrupt downhill slide and you both end up in the Boston Pancake or Alabama Hot Pocket zone. There are some territories which cannot ever be wisely entered into, where no Victory can ever be achieved nor normal life ever reclaimed. " Brutal | |||
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" Brutal" Fools rush in where angels fear to tread. | |||
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"If the clatty bitch is Dutch Ovening you with such abandon... perhaps some form of reciprocal air strike could be used? Maybe when she's dropping an 'air-of-the-dog' you should retaliate with an 'air-of-the-log'? Perhaps serve her up a 'cup cake'? Feed her a grabbed handful of 'brownhouse gas' from your own 'gent vent'? Perhaps a bunch of 'air tulips' served at her side of the bed with her morning tea might wipe ther smirk of the Clatty Bitch's face. Or if the clatty bitch actually has a hearty appetite for that kind of destructive atmospheric pollution, maybe at lunchtime you could serve up an "air buffet" which is so much more substantial than the mephitic air biscuits she has been passing you first thing in the morning. However, I would urge caution in your retaliation lest there is an abrupt downhill slide and you both end up in the Boston Pancake or Alabama Hot Pocket zone. There are some territories which cannot ever be wisely entered into, where no Victory can ever be achieved nor normal life ever reclaimed. " A man of experience. | |||
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" A man of experience. "I learned from the best. During the late 80's-early 90's I had a LTR with an English Lassie. She had a really posh Home Counties accent, was a vegetarian and farted like there was no tomorrow. She had hunners of phrases she would come out with just before rattling the windows - or just after she'd blown the lid off the pedal bin. This was years before Viz or the Internet. She'd often use lines from movies or stock catchphrases before/ after each seismic event. Some examples... "Would you like chips with that?" "What did you say Mr Brown?" "More tea Vicar?" "Say hello to my little friend." "Did someone stand on a duck?" "All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..." "One lump or two granny?" "And now over to our Royal Correspondent..." "It will be dark soon, and they mostly come at night...” "I'll name that tune in one." We eventually devised a game called "Fart Wars" (AKA "The Sphincter Strikes Back") where we would trade farts and one liners upon retiring to bed or prior to getting up in the morning. Of course all good things come to an end as wee did, I smile when I think of her and our years together but wasn't all about the farting. The sex was great too and often featured similar one liners at key moments. "Go ahead: make my day." “Dead or alive, you are coming with me.” | |||
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" A man of experience.
I learned from the best. During the late 80's-early 90's I had a LTR with an English Lassie. She had a really posh Home Counties accent, was a vegetarian and farted like there was no tomorrow. She had hunners of phrases she would come out with just before rattling the windows - or just after she'd blown the lid off the pedal bin. This was years before Viz or the Internet. She'd often use lines from movies or stock catchphrases before/ after each seismic event. Some examples...
"Would you like chips with that?"
"What did you say Mr Brown?"
"More tea Vicar?"
"Say hello to my little friend."
"Did someone stand on a duck?"
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..."
"One lump or two granny?"
"And now over to our Royal Correspondent..."
"It will be dark soon, and they mostly come at night...”
"I'll name that tune in one."
We eventually devised a game called "Fart Wars" (AKA "The Sphincter Strikes Back") where we would trade farts and one liners upon retiring to bed or prior to getting up in the morning.
Of course all good things come to an end as wee did, I smile when I think of her and our years together but wasn't all about the farting. The sex was great too and often featured similar one liners at key moments.
"Go ahead: make my day."
“Dead or alive, you are coming with me.”
"Fantastic, a game the whole family can play
BTW Viz was around since 1979 though | |||
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" A man of experience.
I learned from the best. During the late 80's-early 90's I had a LTR with an English Lassie. She had a really posh Home Counties accent, was a vegetarian and farted like there was no tomorrow. She had hunners of phrases she would come out with just before rattling the windows - or just after she'd blown the lid off the pedal bin. This was years before Viz or the Internet. She'd often use lines from movies or stock catchphrases before/ after each seismic event. Some examples...
"Would you like chips with that?"
"What did you say Mr Brown?"
"More tea Vicar?"
"Say hello to my little friend."
"Did someone stand on a duck?"
"All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in the rain..."
"One lump or two granny?"
"And now over to our Royal Correspondent..."
"It will be dark soon, and they mostly come at night...”
"I'll name that tune in one."
We eventually devised a game called "Fart Wars" (AKA "The Sphincter Strikes Back") where we would trade farts and one liners upon retiring to bed or prior to getting up in the morning.
Of course all good things come to an end as wee did, I smile when I think of her and our years together but wasn't all about the farting. The sex was great too and often featured similar one liners at key moments.
"Go ahead: make my day."
“Dead or alive, you are coming with me.”
"Hahaha, absolutely brilliant mate. She sounds like an absolute belter. Don't get women like that nowadays. | |||
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"Why did I open this thread while having breakfast" Don't look at the hot picks while eating. | |||
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