FabSwingers.com forum: Jokes - cum on now! New string

By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

James Bond books into the Ritz Carlton, it’s late in the evening and the porter carries his bags up to his room. He tips the porter, closes the door and decides he’ll pop down to the bar for a little night cap, so he changes into some suitable evening attire and makes his way downstairs. He’s sitting there at the bar, sipping a vodka martini - shaken. Not stirred when the most beautiful woman in the world sits down two stools away from him. James Bond, being the magnet he is, the woman leans over and breaks the ice. “ Excuse me. Could you tell me the time please? “

“ Certainly. “ He replies and pulls back his sleeve to reveal a big fuck off watch. It can change the guidance systems on nuclear weapons, cut through steel bars,... it’s a James Bond watch. It can do anything.

“ My, my, ‘ the lady says, ‘ that’s a fancy watch! “

“ Yes. ‘ he replies, ‘ my firm made it for me. It tells me things. “

Intrigued. The woman asks “ What do you mean? ‘ It tells you things ‘. “

“ It picks up little vibrations and it tells me things. “ He tells her.

He takes a little sip of his vodka martini. The lady looks confused so he pulls back his sleeve, looks at his watch and explains, “ For example. The vibrations it’s picking up just now. It tells me you’re wearing no underwear. “

The woman blushes and laughs “ Oh, but I am. I am. “

James Bond is utterly confused and examines his watch. Taps the face then the penny drops.

“ Oh. My apologies. It’s an hour fast. Would you like a drink... “

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By *otrock-cplCouple
over a year ago

Glenrothes

Woman in india has given birth to a 23lb baby boy

Doctors expect the baby to be walking 6 months before his mum

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

What’s the difference between an egg and a wank?

You can beat a egg.

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

What’s the difference between light and hard? You can fall asleep with the light on

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

Almost as bad as my jokes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

Almost as bad as my jokes"

Not as bad as German sausage jokes… the are the WURST

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By *heSwapLoversCouple
over a year ago

West Coast

James Bond is utterly confused and examines his watch. Taps the face then the penny drops.

“ Oh. My apologies. It’s an hour fast. Would you like a drink... “

…Oh my goodness Mr Bond, you can buy me a drink anytime

Love this joke.

Dora x

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

No really much point if they take away the non PC jokes after posting. Like everything else , humour is subjective.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No really much point if they take away the non PC jokes after posting. Like everything else , humour is subjective.

Or it could be the site drew the correct line… just an opinion

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Keeping on topic though …

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello

Ohhhhh yes

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw my midget neighbour at the bus stop so I stopped and said jump in.

Wee shit told me to fuck off

I thought you ungrateful little prick and zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"No really much point if they take away the non PC jokes after posting. Like everything else , humour is subjective.

Or it could be the site drew the correct line… just an opinion

"
100% too many dicks on here think their the big IT.. when in fact we know different

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By *ack-FMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

A ham sandwich walks into a bar.

Asks bartender for a pint of lager.

Bartender says” sorry we don’t serve food here”

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By *ack-FMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

[Removed by poster at 10/09/21 06:56:58]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

Apparently the brewers of Corona have offered 1million to researchers if they change the name of the virus to the Budweiser flu

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"If coronavirus isn’t about beer, why do I keep seeing cases of it?

Apparently the brewers of Corona have offered 1million to researchers if they change the name of the virus to the Budweiser flu"

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By *oast888Man
over a year ago

cambuslang

I once went into Blockbuster and asked to rent Batman Forever

The guy behind the counter said no you’ll need to bring it back tomorrow

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

A man walks into the chip shop at 5 o’clock and asks for the latest blockbuster. Man behind the counter says “ We don’t sell videos. “

The next night at 5 o’clock the same guy walks in and asks for any new releases. Understandably, the man behind the counter is a bit pissed off and says sternly “ No! We don’t sell videos. “

The next night the bloke in the chip shop sees the same man walking down the street and his blood starts to boil. The man walks in and asks what his top ten are. The bloke in the chippy looses it and says. “ Lisren! We don’t sell videos. We sell chicken and chips, black pudding and chips, sausage and chips, pie and chips, .... fish and chips. “

The man calmly replies. “ Well, in that case, do you have A Fish Called Wanda? “

Ouch!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call the sexuality where you're attracted to men and women but neither are attracted to you?

Bi-yourself!

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By *teve_it_aloneMan
over a year ago

Dunfermline

Michelle Pfeiffer has a silent P.

When she goes for a poo, though, the whole street hears.

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By *ugyukMan
over a year ago

dundee

two 85 year auld wifies meetin in town for a coffee...one asks the other....did ye come on the bus?....her pal says....aye a did. But a made it look like an asthma attack

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Kirsty's dishwasher breaks down so she phones the repairman to come out to fix it..

Unfortunately he can only visit when shes at work.

So she informs him she'll leave the key under the doormat..dont worry about my pet bulldog he's harmless but under NO CIRCUMSTANCES was he to talk to her pet parrot..

The day arrives kirsty goes to work repairman arrives let's himself in..shre's left a note to say help yourself to tea and biscuits and a reminder not to talk to the parrot,hes greeted by the biggest meanest looking bulldog hes ever seen, but true to kirsty's word he's as soft as brush and lies on the carpet watching him go to work..however all day the parrot chirps away at him calling him names and swearing..

Finally his resolves breaks and he shouts at the parrot "for God's sake will you shut up you stupid bird" the parrot replies "get him spike"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I used to work as an installer putting trampolines into musicians tour buses. I quit as the market was saturated. Everyone was jumping on the band wagon.

------

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball? Gughghghg (please make your own gagging sound there

)

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What do you call postman pat when he's made redundant?

Pat

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Was selling my pet python.

Guy phoned up and asked is it big?

I said huge.

He said how many feet?

I said none it's a snake.

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By *allerthanaverage79Man
over a year ago

Ayrshire

What did the pink panther say when he found insects in his kitchen? (You need to stamp your foot down with the answer) dead ant, dead ant .....

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Was shopping for clothes today, picked out a really nice shirt,

Taking it off the rail I walked over to the woman next to the fitting rooms..

"Do you mind if I try it on" I asked her

"No not at all" she replied

"You've got great tits do you fancy a shag"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Was selling my pet python.

Guy phoned up and asked is it big?

I said huge.

He said how many feet?

I said none it's a snake. "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I lost my job at the hospital when they accused me of stealing neck braces, but at least I can walk with my head held high.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A kid walks into a general store, walks up to the owner and asks for a job.

The owner says. "you think you'd make a good salesman?"

The Kid says. "I don't know. I think so."

Owner says. "I'll tell you what. Next customer comes in, you watch me. If you think you can do what I do, you have a job!"

A few minutes later a customer comes in. The owner of the store says. "Can I help you?"

The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a bag of grass seed."

"No problem." Says the owner as he reaches for a bag of grass seed. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"

"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.

"Yeah." Says the owner. "You plant that grass seed, you're gonna have a lot of grass to cut. You might want to get a lawn mower too."

The customer thinks it's a great idea and agrees. The owner sells him the grass seed and the lawn mower and the customer leaves.

The owner turns to the kid and says. "See that? That's selling! The guy wanted some grass seed and I sold him a lawn mower too! You think you can do that?"

The kid says. "Yeah i can do that."

So the owner says. "Great. Next customer comes in is yours. I'll just stand here quietly and watch. We'll see how you do."

A few minutes pass by and another customer comes in.

The kid says. "Can I help you?"

The customer says. "Yes. I'd like to buy a box of Tampax for my wife."

"No problem." Says the kid as he reaches for the box of Tampax. "Do you think you might want a lawn mower with that?"

"Lawn mower?" Says the customer.

"Yeah." Says the kid. "You're not going to be doing anything else for the next 7 days, you might as well cut the grass!"

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By *tuartieMan
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

Brilliant

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

Australian soldier meets his senior officer. Officer says did you come here to die. Soldier replies no I arrived yesterday

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I once walked in on my parents having sex. It was the most embarrassing thirty minutes of my life.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between an egg and a shag ... you can beat an egg ye cannae beat a shag

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and crunchy and hard to eat .... a fire engine on a piece

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

A penguin is driving through the desert when his car starts playing up. Fortunately, he manages to drive into a nearby town. He drops the car off at a garage where the mechanic said he’d look at it straight away. Being in Arizona, the penguin can’t believe his luck when he sees an ice cream parlour across the street. He goes in and orders a big tub of ice cream. When he steps outside, he’s faced with the dilemma of how to eat it as he can’t hold the spoon. The ice cream isn’t long in softening in the baking heat so the penguin improvises and uses his flippers to scoop it into his mouth. Needless to say, he gets his face covered in the stuff, but it’s a small price to pay to keep cool. He waddles back over to the garage where he finds the mechanic lying under his car. Before the penguin can say anything the mechanic shouts “ Looks like you blew a seal! “

“ No! ‘, the penguin says in defence, ‘ It’s just vanilla! “

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By *jezee1000Man
over a year ago

perth

2 cowboys riding through the desert .

They hadnt eaten for 2 days . 1st cowboy shouts ., “ look theres a bacon tree up ahead”

2nd cowboy rides up to the bacon tree and gets shot to bits .

Turns out it wasn’t a bacon tree .. it was a Ham bush !!

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Cowboy joke above reminds me of this one....

The lone ranger and Tonto are riding across the plains when up on the ridge to their right they notice 2,000 soiux, over on their right they see 3,000 comanche, they look behind them and theres 1,000 Apache and appearing in front of them is 2000 blackfoot,

Turning to tonto the loan ranger says "looks like we're in a spot of bother here tonto "...

Tonto replies "what do you mean we, paleface"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

An elderly couple entered a McDonald’s store and sat next to a table where some young people were having dinner.

The old man walked over to the box and made the order for him.

He unwrapped the hamburger , cut it in half and put one half next to his wife ; very carefully, he counted all the fries and did the same.

He dipped two straws into the soda and put it between himself and his wife.

The old woman began to eat her half hamburger , people stared at her compassionately.

A young man approached them and politely offered to buy them another portion of food. ????

The old woman she replied that she did not bother, that they were used to sharing everything.

People realized that the old man had not eaten, he only watched as his wife ate, and from time to time, he drank a little soda.

Young man approached again and repeated his offer.

This time it was the old man who explained that no, they were used to sharing everything.

The young man then asked the old man

And what are you waiting for then?

The teeth.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa

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By *ayjay218Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen

"Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper? He sold his soul to Santa

"
did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? He opened a warehouse!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, and starts a conversation with an old guy next to him, looking depressed. He asks the old guy what's wrong.

"You see that dock out there? I built it, best dock you'll ever see! But do they call me 'McGregor the dock builder'? No! You see that bridge over there? I built that, took me 5 months to build through sun, hail and snow but do they call me 'McGregor the bridge builder'? No!"

The younger man says "That sucks".

The old guy looks sadly into his glass and raises his index finger: "I shag one fucking sheep..."

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

A man walks into a store and the chick behind the counter says “ Can I help you? “

“ Aye, ‘ says the man ‘ I’d like thirty. Empty. Poly bags, please. “

The chick behind the counter tells him “ I can’t just give you thirty empty poly bags. You’ll need to tell me what they’re for. “

Your man has a wee look around, making sure there’s no one within hearing distance and he whispers “ Well, ‘ he says, ‘ I’ve just murdered my wife and I’ve calculated by her body mass, her height and her weight, if I chop her up into little pieces, she’ll fit into exactly thirty empty poly bags. Then I can throw her in the skip and get rid of her. “

In shock and fear the chick backs off while quickly counting out thirty empty poly bags and leaves them on the counter.

A good few hours later the same chick’s in the store and just about to finish her shift when your man returns. He walks up to her counter, holds up one finger and asks “ Can I have ONE poly bag please? “

The chicks putting her jacket on and shaking her head in confusion replies “ You were in here a few hours ago and asked for thirty empty bags. You were so precise with your calculations. Was there a problem? “

“ Aye, ‘ says the man, like he miscalculated, ‘ the arse fell out of one. “

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

I was having the craic with my mate the other day when we saw two beautiful blonde, identical twins walk by. As we letc..., admired them walking past I told my mate that I used to date a twin.

“ Nightmare! How did you tell them apart? “ Was his reaction.

“ Easy, ‘ I replied, ‘ Jennifer used to paint her nails red and John had a cock. “

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By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

One fine spring day,Henri,an elderley french gentleman, is taking a walk down a country lane, outside his small town. As he is passing farmer Gascon's field, he hears a noise, so peering over the hedge he spots a young couple, naked making love..

After recovering from the initial shock he says to himself "ah ze young love, ze springtime, ze air ze flowers , c'est magnifique" he continues to watch, recalling similar exploits of his own youth.

Suddenly he draws a gasp and says "Mais.....Sacre Bleu !!...ze woman - she is dead"

He now skittles off down the lane, back to town to report what he's seen to Albert the police chief,

Arriving out of breath he starts to tell Albert what he's seen "Albert, Albert, zere is this man, zere is this woman, naked, making love in Farmer Gascon's field".

Albert smiles and replies " Henri Henri come now, you are not so old as to recall ze l'armour, ze springtime, ze air, ze flowers, zis is okay"

"Mais non,you do not understand ze woman ze is dead"...

Hearing this Albert sprints down to farmer Gascon's field, as the police car is being serviced..what he see's confirms what Henri has told him...he runs as fast as he can to Pierre the town doctor...

"Pierre, Pierre, this is Albert, in Farmer Gascon's field zere is a young couple,naked having sex"

To which Pierre replies "Albert I am a man of science, you must remember it is spring, ze air, ze flowers, au l'armour, zis is very natural "

Albert still out breath gasps in reply "non, you do not understand ze woman....she is dead"

Hearing this Pierre shouts "Mon Dieu" grabs his black medical bag, stuffs into it his thermometer, stethoscope and other tools jumps into his car and drives as fast as he can down to Farmer Gascon's field, where on arrival he gives the couple a full medical examination..

He drives back to the station where Albert and Henri are both waiting, on seeing them Pierre smiles patiently to the two men and says "Ah mon amis, do not worry, ze woman, she is not dead....she is english"......

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By *atureforminx OP Man
over a year ago

here and there

There was just a few of us standing at the bar after closing time the other night, having the craic over a few drams. It was pouring with rain outside when this young lad walked in, looking like a drowned rat and ordered a double whisky. As soon as John, the bar steward poured it the young fella picked it up and threw it down his neck without it even touching the sides. He put the glass back down on the bar and said “ Double whisky. “ The same thing happened again. By his sixth double whisky, we’re all staring at him. Eventually, John says “ Jeez! You must be celebrating something? “

“ I am, ‘ says the young lad, ‘ I’ve just had my first blow job. “

John smiles, shakes his hand and says “ Well done! That’s well worth celebrating. The next double is on the house! “

The young lad replies “ That’s very kind of you, but no thanks. I’ve had six double whiskies already and I still can’t get rid of the fuckin’ taste! “

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

Footballers being asked not to eat pasta pre match. It’s an attempt to reduce the carbonara footprint

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