FabSwingers.com forum: Tell your funniest joke

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

With no signs of the lockdown easing tell me your best joke to cheer everyone up..

I love this one;

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says “I am type A”, the minister follows saying “I’m type B”, and then the rabbit says “I think I’m a typo...”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five pints please barman"!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says “I am type A”, the minister follows saying “I’m type B”, and then the rabbit says “I think I’m a typo...”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *izzmasterzeroMan
over a year ago

Aberdeen

What do you get hanging from banana trees?...

... sore arms.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ugyukMan
over a year ago

dundee

a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

she smiles n nods knowingly replying ..ah yes thats the arthritis..the guys says ..i know arthritis and it doesnt smell like that..the woman says i know..its in my shoulder and a canny wipe ma arse !!!

boom boom !!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

boom boom !!!"

Omg only you

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

boom boom !!!"

Lmao m8

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ASCOTMan
over a year ago

inverness

Not an actual joke but real conversation from some 20 yrs ago, working with this stunning Kiwi girl, we were at a meeting with a good client when she said as this is training can i use your dictaphone, without thinking the response came back, no you can use your finger like everyone else,, dont know who was more red faced,, still makes me laugh,, (childish i know)

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Celtic

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says "five pints please barman"!!

Clever

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *unsexual MemelordWoman
over a year ago

Midlothian

What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What's the difference between a cat and a comma? One has claws at the end of its paws, and the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"Celtic"

Now now no need for that

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two prawns on a plate, which one is the biggest?

The languastine

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ooh, what do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was speaking to an Aircraft Pilot who was furloughed. He was doing some painting and decorating for extra cash.

He did a great job of the Landing...but he has a Bad ALTitude.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a zoo with no dogs.........a shih Tzu

Sorry, my 10 year olds favourite joke

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a zoo with no dogs.........a shih Tzu

Sorry, my 10 year olds favourite joke "

Like that

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I said to the wife the other day treasure,I always call her treasure because she looks like something I just dig up

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ald EagleMan
over a year ago

Alloa

What do a puppy and a short sighted gynaecologist have in common.

Wet nose.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ionaScarletTV/TS
over a year ago

Dundee

"Two prawns on a plate, which one is the biggest?

The languastine"

I love this!

Brava!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

And what do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes or balls...

Still no fuckin' idea.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site) OP
over a year ago

"What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

And what do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes or balls...

Still no fuckin' idea."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you get hanging from banana trees?

Sore arms.......

I'll fetch my coat!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *el65Man
over a year ago

paisley

not just any joke , but the worlds worst joke ,

so there was a farmers son who loved working on the farm from a young age he loved driving the tractor ,

as he grew and took over the farm he became wealthy , he started collecting vintage tractors ,

as he got old he had no one to give them too ,so he sold them ,

one day walking through the village he saw a lady running from a burning house screaming my baby is in the house ,

the farmer ran in ,took a deep breathe , sucked in all the smoke and rescued the baby ,

after he came out the lady asked how did you manage such a feat sir?

oh it was easy hen , you see

IM AN EX-TRACTOR-FAN!!!!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ikerbob1957Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

I'm reading a book on anti gravity. I can't put it down.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two old women talking, one of them's a bit deaf.

'What do you think of that Michael Buble?'

'Och, he bawls like a bull'.

'Has he?'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman goes to the doctor to get treated for carpet burns on her knees and elbows. The doctor asked how she got the burns. She replies this was due to vigorous sexual intercourse in the doggie position.

The doctor says 'Well, from now on, I advise you have sex in the missionary position'.

The woman starts crying and says 'No, that won't work at all.'

'Why not', asks the doctor.

'Because the dog's breath stinks'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

How do you find Will Smith in the snow

Follow the fresh prints

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you seen the dog's bowl, No I didn't even know they could play cricket

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ick270Man
over a year ago

Here

SNP

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *methyst4UWoman
over a year ago

Falkirk

A man and a woman are going to have sex in the dark woods. After 10 mins the guy says Wish I had a flashlight. Women says so do I as you have been munching grass since we got here

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ixie and adamCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

Anyone else’s ex have weird fetish? Mine used to walk around in his own clothes and act like a massive cunt.

I can’t claim credit for it but it made me laugh when I saw it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eoeclipseWoman
over a year ago

glasgow

My dad always calls himself handsome....it just click one day you get a 3some, 2some & then a handsome

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *cotyguyMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I've written a series of books about the different levels of sound.

There are quite a few volumes.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eefyBangerMan
over a year ago

edinburgh

A guy goes in to the butchers and asks the butcher “Can I have a mince round”

The butcher replies “Off course you can sir, just down touch anything”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ugyukMan
over a year ago

dundee

Two 87 year auld ladies meet up for a coffee in town.

one asks the ither...did ye come on the bus??

the ihter replies....a did, but a made it look like an asthma attack !!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two old ladies sitting in the park when a young man comes up and flashes at them. One of the old ladies had a stroke, but the other couldn't reach.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A lad from the Islands is in bed with a sister and says to her 'You're definitely a better fuck than mum.'

'She says 'I know, my dad said so as well'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anarkshirelassCouple
over a year ago

lanarkshire

Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

We have a winner

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Celtic to win 10IAR

Couldn't resist it.

I shouldn't, but

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Used to date a girl who worked in an abattoir......she was a stunner

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why did the chef put a fried egg on his heed?

Because a boiled 1 would of just rolled aff

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex.

Oral sexy makes your day anal sex makes your hole weak.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's it like shagging a sheep?

Not baaaad.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Celtic

Now now no need for that "

you think you's would have something to hide

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *kmygfCouple
over a year ago

Nuneaton

A husband and wife are driving home and run over a badger, they get out and find its still breathing but freezing cold. The husband says "Put it between your legs to warm it up" Wife replies "But its all wet and it stinks!" Husband says "Well hold its fucking nose then!".

Gets us in stitches every time.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

My mates have decided to hold a joint chinese new year and burns supper night party..

They're calling it a chinese burns night......

I said I wont be going but they've twisted my arm..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *d20Man
over a year ago

Inverness

Two Old Ladies sitting on a park bench, a naked young man comes walking past. Shocked, 1 of the Old ladies had a stroke, the other one missed.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

A middle-aged married couple longed for the warmth in the middle of a cold winter and decided to travel to Florida and stay at the hotel where they had spent their wedding night 20 years earlier.

The husband had a longer vacation and left the day before. Upon checking in at reception, he discovered there was a computer in the room and decided to email his wife. Unfortunately, he got one letter wrong. In this way, the e-mail was sent to the pastor's widow, who had just returned home from her husband's funeral and wanted to check if there were any condolences from family and friends in the e-mail. Her son found her fainting in front of the computer, read on the screen:

To: My beloved wife.

Subject: I'm already there.

Body: I know you are surprised to hear from me. Now they have computers here and you can send e-mails to your loved ones. Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. I'm looking forward to meeting you. Hope your trip is as smooth as mine.

PS: It's really hot in here !!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

Matt Hancock was doing an annual visit to a busy hospital. As always he was looking for something to beat the staff with to show how badly run and loss making things were there.

Hancock checked all the books and then did his tour. While on the tour he turned to the ward manager and said “I notice you buy and use a lot of bandages. What do you do with the plastic middle out of the roll ?"

"Good question," noted the ward manager. "We save them up and send them back to Johnson and Johnson and every once in a while, they send us a free bandage roll. We like recycle whenever possible".

"Oh," replied Hancock ,, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went in his tour to the next ward. "What about all these coloured casts you dispense. They seem to be rather a waste of money?

"Ah, yes," replied the ward manager realizing that Hancock was trying to trap her. We ask that any patient wishing a coloured cast donates £1 which is far in excess of the 10p the colouring actually costs.

Hancock was determined to fluster the know-it-all ward manager. So on they went to the next ward.

"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not like wasting, says the ward manager.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the government in London and about once a year, at this time, they send us a complete prick."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily.

It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucci, who was very wise, to tell him what was happening and to ask his advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.

The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily."You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know that we got the cow from Sicily?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye.

“My wife is from Sicily.”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Whats the difference between a smartly dressed man on a unicycle and a shoddily dressed man on a bicycle?

Attyre

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

What comes after 9 ... 1-0

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

There are 10 types of people in this world - those who understand binary and those who don't.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

An Ancient Greek walks into the tailor’s shop with a pair of ripped trousers,

“Euripides?” says the tailor.

“Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

Took the wife out last night ... one punch

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

Its a little fit bunny..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *iscreet scotsmanMan
over a year ago

close by

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water :D

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

David hasselhoff goes for a drink In a Glasgow pub.he asks the barman for a pint of lager. The barman says heh your David Hasselhoff, just call me Hoff he says to the barman the barman says aright nae hassle.

made me chuckle

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Had sex with the barmaid at the local the other night and I'm really worried in case my girlfriend finds out.

As she might tell my wife.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *othianGuy41Man
over a year ago

Livingston

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded Skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its fucking nose."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exywheelsCouple
over a year ago

inverness

"With no signs of the lockdown easing tell me your best joke to cheer everyone up..

I love this one;

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave? Thanks for coming!

Shouldn't that be Thank you for coming and please come again

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Went to buy some camouflage clothes the other day.

Couldn't find any in the shops.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *awaiianguyMan
over a year ago

East Ayrshire

Police in Glasgow are today looking for a toupee somewhere in the city centre. They have asked the public not to approach the hairpiece after locals described it as appearing "aff it's heed"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *oungAtHeartCurvyCoupleCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

There was a gravestone in the middle of the road - it must have been a dead end

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *unsexual MemelordWoman
over a year ago

Midlothian

"Elton John bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

Its a little fit bunny.."

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Well... at the risk of repeating myself (yes there is an in joke there) ... I used to be indecisive but now... I am not so sure

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *implyJayGeeMan
over a year ago

Garthamlock

Had to sack my lawnmower guy last week sadly..

He just wasn’t cutting it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *implyJayGeeMan
over a year ago

Garthamlock

"Had to sack my lawnmower guy last week sadly..

He just wasn’t cutting it"

On the garden theme tho. I was in B n Q the other day at the garden but when the guy came over and asked if I wanted decking.... luckily I got the first hit in

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mate of mine run home and told his wife to get her bags packed as he had just won £2 million on the National Lottery.

She asked 'Should I pack something light, something heavy?'

He said 'Just pack them, and fuck off'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Heres a ww2 nazi joke

Knock knock...

Whos there...

VEE VILL ASK ZEE QUESTIONS

lmao

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call two sheep tied to a lamp post in Aberdeen

A leisure center

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why do highlanders wear kilts

So the sheep don't hear their zips goin down

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eterjamesmcMan
over a year ago

glasgow

The punchline is " No, of course not. I'm just here to get his nails clipped!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Fella wakes up every morning sits on end o the bed and gives a huge fart and says good morning love, wife say one day you'll fart your guts out.. Aye aye he says... Few month later Xmas morning wife's down stair gettin shit ready Xmas Dinner and turkey to be stuffed and she left with jiblets, thinks to self Al fuk him up.. Runs up stairs up with the back of the sleeping hubby's y fronts and throws the jiblets in goes back down stair.. Hour later the almighty fart followed by "FUCKING HELL" and running to Bathroom... Hubby comes down stairs walking like John Wayne after a y month horse ride.. Wife says u ok love.. Well he says u know u said I'd fart my insides out?.. Wife tryin to keep straight face says uhhh huh.. He says well it happened a farted and aw ma inside were in ma y fronts.. Wife says jesus well move we best get to hospital.. He says hospital on Xmas day away you go a sorted it dnt worry.. Wife says how u do that.. He says jar o vaeseline nd two fingers a shoved em back in again!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ma maw used ti beat me wi the telephone... Always on the receiving end

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 25/01/21 00:53:41]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The dafty that got a boil on his arse put the plaster on the mirror?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wee bloke runnin doon Road wi mooth open guy shouts what ee daein mate.. He ma pal told is there's a nip in the air

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"a guy goes down on an 87 year auld wumin only to get back up straight away..shes asks whats up??..he replys ..im sorry but the smell...your fannys stinking!!!

boom boom !!!"

Hahaha, I'm stealing this, my mother has arthritis....forward

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Woman goes to the lady doctor. The doctor says 'Miss, I have to let you know, you have acure angina.'

The woman smiles and says 'Thanks very much doctor, you've got crackin' tits yourself.'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Saw a chap walking down the street with a large stick over his shoulder.

I asked 'Are you a pole vaulter?'

He said 'No I am German, but how do you know my name is Walter?'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two prostitutes talking on the street corner one asked 'have you ever been picked up by the fuzz' the other one replied 'no but i have been swung round by the tits'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Prostitute is involved in a car crash. Policeman asks her how she is and she tells him she is shaken and can't see very well.

The policeman lifts two digits and says 'How many fingers have I got up?'

The prostitute cries 'Oh no, I'm paralysed as well!'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Bored during lock down....?

Phone a woman's rights group and ask to speak to the man in charge..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call two sheep tied to a lamp post in Aberdeen

A leisure center "

They've discovered two new uses for sheep in Abaadeen. Food and wool.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *bolton88Man
over a year ago

Glasgow

Why did the seman cross the road?

Cause I put the wrong socks on this morning

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *achelwestlothianTV/TS
over a year ago

Bathgate

Went to the Doctors in Spain when on holiday, spent too long in the sun , my chest and legs were bright red and very tender , Doc took one look at me and prescribed Viagra, I asked “will that help the sunburn “

He replied “No! But Itl keep the bed sheets off it at night “

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *achelwestlothianTV/TS
over a year ago

Bathgate

[Removed by poster at 28/01/21 12:35:50]

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 nuns driving through transilvainia ,suddenly a huge bat swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car. It turns into Dracula ..the nun who is driving says "quickly ...show him you're cross" she rolls down the window and shouts " get the fuck aff the car"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *nake85Man
over a year ago

Kilmarnock

Did you know that stevie wonder has 6 kids?

Never sees any of them

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A skeleton walks into a pub, goes up to the barman and says

Can I have a pint and a mop please?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Just been watching womens golf on TV....

No different to real life

Shit at driving but good with an iron.....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and smells of red paint...

Blue paint

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"2 nuns driving through transilvainia ,suddenly a huge bat swoops down and lands on the bonnet of their car. It turns into Dracula ..the nun who is driving says "quickly ...show him you're cross" she rolls down the window and shouts " get the fuck aff the car"

This made me giggle! x

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *izzabelle and well hungCouple
over a year ago

Edinburgh.

Boris Johnson and Nicola Sturgeon both fall overboard into the sea, you only have one life preserver to throw to them before the ship gets out of reach. What kind of sandwich do you make?

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Have you heard the latest celebrity news,.?Stevie Nicks from Fleetwood Mac has called off her wedding to Capt James T Kirk a.k.a William Shatner as she didn't want to go through life as Stevie Shatner -Nicks.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exybreeksMan
over a year ago

East Calder

"SNP"

Yer no even from Scotland ye absolute dobber

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *leeperMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

My life

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Indulged in phone sex last night....

Just got back from the chemists to get the morning after bill....

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was watching some weird porn the other day. It was just a fat man crying and wanking at the same time. Then I realised I hadn't turned the TV on...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Celtic fans are hygienic and Good looking

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Steven Gerrard and Neil Lennon head out for a few pints, than they decide to visit a local brothel.

Neil says to the madam 'How much is it for a wee wank?'

The madam says 'Thirty pounds'.

So Stevie asks 'OK, if it's £30 for a wee wank, how much is it for a Champions League winning superstar?'

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *eedsmale36Man
over a year ago

Leeds

Velcro......what a rip off !

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Next monday sees the start of diarrhoea awareness week....runs until friday...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What do you call a roman soldier with a hair between his teeth....?

A glad-he-ate-her

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I used to really like farm machinery when I worked in agriculture.

Now I work in air conditioning.

I'm an extractor fan.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *othardandfreeMan
over a year ago

Why did the pervert cross the road?

Because his dick was stuck up the chicken.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I had a wet dream thinking of the wife's mother last night. I dreamt she got hit by a lorry and I pissed myself laughing.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

“Why are you shaking? She’s going to eat me!”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Guy approaches a woman in a nightclub...

"The name's Bond" he whispers in her ear..

She turns to face him and says"dont tell me your first name is James"

"No....its Uni...I'm here to fill your crack"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

The average Icelandic cock is 11"

The average italian cock is 9"

The average american cock is 7"

The average UK cock is 5"

That's why mums go to Iceland..!!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Corduroy pillows... they’re making headlines

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Mickey Mouse goes to his lawyer and explains the reason why he wants a divorce from Minnie.

The lawyer sits back, ponders for a moment and says "I don't think you can divorce Minnie, just because she has big teeth".

Mickey is stunned... "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fucking Goofy"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A black maria has crashed into a cement lorry with all victims fleeing the scene. Police are looking for ten hardened criminals.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My pal's wee boy is in hospital after getting injured playing hide and seek. He's in ICU.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *thleticLad100Man
over a year ago

Greenock

What did the cheese say to itself in the mirror?

Hello me!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My friend told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

2 cannibals eating a clown, one asks the other

Does this taste funny to you??

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I contacted the spirit of my dead window cleaner....

I used a SQUIDGIEboard

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

England 6 Scotland 11

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you spot a blind man on a nude beach?

It’s not hard.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *utcock61Man
over a year ago

glasgow

Brilliant,lol.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood clinic. The priest says “I am type A”, the minister follows saying “I’m type B”, and then the rabbit says “I think I’m a typo...”

That’s my favourite joke, I had to explain it to one of my best mates, he was totally clueless, it was one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen - him trying to work it out.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two women in the cinema watching a film, one turns to her friend and says 'Can we move, the man sitting next to me is having a wank'.

'Just ignore him' says her friend.

'I can't' said the first woman. 'He's using my hand'.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *cottishMrsWoman
over a year ago

Wishaw

Two muffins in an oven, and one muffin says to the other, "Aargh, we're in an oven!!"

The other one goes, "Aargh! A talking muffin!"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *anarkshireguy400Man
over a year ago

glassford

Anyone know a cure for sex addiction?

I've tried fucking everything.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

You can tell alot about a woman by looking at her feet....

If they're tucked behind her ears she really likes you...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He used to lie awake at night wondering if there really is a dog.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ch WellMan
over a year ago

Scotland

2 prawns on a plate. Which anes the biggest ane?

The Langoustine.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Walked into a bar dressed as a tennis ball,,,,

Got served straight away

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've tried domination, necrophilia and bestiality hoping for kicks, but I'm just flogging a dead horse.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Asked the mrs what she fancied for valentines....

She said I'll give you a clue...

I'm thinking of an ex england goalkeeper...

She was expecting Flowers...shes getting seaman

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *yrshireBoy1Man
over a year ago

Ayrshire

Neil Lennon is curious how Rangers are soo good so he decides to visit The Famous training to see how Stevie G coaches the team. At first he doesn't see anything obvious so he says to Stevie how he's gotten the boys so sharp. So Stevie G say 'Well it's simple, I sometimes ask my players a difficult question and that way they stay really sharp mentally'

Of course Neil Lennon doesn't understand so Steve offers to give him an example so he calls James Tavernier over and says 'He is not your brother but he's your father's son, who is he?'

Tav replies 'That's easy gaffer, the answer is me'

'You see' says Gerrard, it's that simple '

Soo the next day popcorn teeth tries to use the same technique and calls Scott Brown over and says' Right I have a question for you - He is not your brother but he's your father's son, who is he? '

Scott Brown scratches his heid and says' F*cksake boss that's a tough one, can I think about it and tell you tomorrow? ' Aye no bother says Lennon

So that night Scott Brown phones Callum McGregor and says' Right maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother but he's your father's son, who is he?

'That's easy, says Callum McGregor' The answer is me'

So the next day Scott Brown comes into training full of confidence and says to Neil Lennon right gaffer I know the answer to the question now.

Lennon says 'Right, who was it?'

Scott Brown says 'It was pretty easy, the answer is Callum McGregor

' Nooo you stupid c*nt says Neil Lennon, it's James Tavernier

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

GUUUGH!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *bridge manMan
over a year ago

lanarkshire

A girl goes to the doctor and tells him she has a bad discharge.

The doctor tells her to remove her skirt and pants and lie on the examination table.

The doc then lubes up a finger and inserts in into her vagina and asks her how that feels.

The girl says fuckin brilliant doctor but the discharge is in ma ear...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

I keep getting sent flowers with the heads cut off.

I think somebody is stalking me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I was talking to a woman online when she asked if she could comb my hair. The next day she asked if she could shave me. The following day she asked if she could adjust my tie.

I think she is grooming me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Three women getting changed in the locker room at the local tennis club...

All of a sudden the door bursts open and a naked guy with a bag on his head runs in..

As he runs past the first woman she looks down at his penis and says .."he's not my husband" as he runs past the second woman she also looks down and says "hes not my husband"...as he runs past the third woman she looks down at his penis and says "hang on a sec hes not even a member of this club"

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *xplorer13Man
over a year ago

glenrothes

"Celtic"
so sad! Why bring the old firm into it? Blokes in frocks. Oops lol

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *xplorer13Man
over a year ago

glenrothes

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

GUUUGH!"

I dont get this joke

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *exybreeksMan
over a year ago

East Calder

"What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

GUUUGH!

I dont get this joke"

She was deep throating

What's the difference between an American and a computer? The American doesn't have trouble shooting.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

The SNP parliamentary Enquiry

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I don't have one

My brain seems to forget them, even though I love comedy. Every time I see Stand Up, I think "I'll remember some of these for work tomorrow or the fitbaw day out"

Nope. Gone..

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Owen Farrell asked the ref during the 2nd half of yesterday's match v Wales, for a new ball....

Pascal the ref said but owen theres already a ball on the pitch.. to which owen replied ...

I know but wales are playing with that one...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes... now I have HEINZsight

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So I said to the Doctor I keep thinking I’m a Supermarket?

How long have you felt like this he asked?

Ever since I was Lidl I replied!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

The young kid who was in the Milky Bar adverts has now become an eccentric transvestite who loves splashing his money about.

He can often be found in transgender shops shouting

The silky bras are on me.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I burnt my ham and pineapple pizza tonight... I should have had it at aloha temperature

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

Me and the wife tried a new tantric position yesterday called the plumber...

I was in all day and nobody came

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a woman police officer with a badly shaved pussy???"-"Cuntstubble".

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ering SeaMan
over a year ago

Penicuik

Wet Wet Wet singer Marti Pellow has been diagnosed with arthritis. He said “I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes”

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *alkdirty2meCouple
over a year ago

20 miles south of Edinburgh

I'm sure that the people posting the football and political responses to this thread think.they're hilarious

You're not

You just show how small minded and bigoted Scotland still is and how far it needs to come to get rid of people who think that riling up others is funny or in some way acceptable

How on earth will we ever get rid of hatred and religious shite when people keep spreading this bile

This thread is meant to lighten the mood, not be laced with your Neanderthal shite

Mods do your jobs

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ORDERMANMan
over a year ago

wrexham

What do you call postman pat when he's made redundant ..?

Redundant pat...?..NO

unemployed pat...?....NO

job seeking pat...?...NO

ex postman pat....?...NO

ANSWER......

PAT

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

Was sitting philosophying over a couple of beers over the age old question. What is more painful, a woman giving birth or a guy getting a kick in the nuts.

I came to the conclusion, a guy getting a kick in the nuts is the more painful.

Here's my reasoning for coming to that conclusion.

I have no doubt that a woman having a baby is extremely painful, nothing really to back this up obviously as i could never experience this but have seen it happen and it definitely looks painful. However my conclusion that a kick in the nuts is more painful was reached by the following reckoning.

Quite often, after a year or so after having a baby, a woman is likely to say, lets have another one. On the other hand, I have never heard a guy say go on give me another kick in the nuts.

Therefore a kick in the nuts is more painful.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A woman gives birth to identical twin boys and gives them up for adoption.

One little boy Juan goes to a lovely family in Madrid and the other little boy Amal goes to a caring rich family in Dubai.

20yrs later, the woman receives a letter with a photo of Juan.The woman is fighting back the tears and feels so emotional.

She turns to her husband and says..it would be so nice to hear from the other family.

Her husband said ..I wouldn't worry about it, once you've seen the photo of Juan, you've seen Amal.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"What do you call a deer with no eyes...

No idea...

What do you call a sleeping deer with no eyes...

Still no idea...

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no cock?

Still no fucking idea

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *an from UncleMan
over a year ago

ml1

A guys at a dogging meet , while he's fucking a the guys wife over the bonnet, she snaps the antenna off and starts whipping his ass

Next morning he see all the marks, and heads to the docs and explains the situation. Doc says drop your trousers let's have a look . The doc says that's the worse case of Van Aireal Desease iv ever seen

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

"I'm sure that the people posting the football and political responses to this thread think.they're hilarious

You're not

You just show how small minded and bigoted Scotland still is and how far it needs to come to get rid of people who think that riling up others is funny or in some way acceptable

How on earth will we ever get rid of hatred and religious shite when people keep spreading this bile

This thread is meant to lighten the mood, not be laced with your Neanderthal shite

Mods do your jobs"

Well that cheered me up !

Mods do your jobs

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *heekyguy2Man
over a year ago

Local

I wanted to tell you a Covid joke but there’s a 99.6% chance you won’t get it !!

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"I'm sure that the people posting the football and political responses to this thread think.they're hilarious

You're not

You just show how small minded and bigoted Scotland still is and how far it needs to come to get rid of people who think that riling up others is funny or in some way acceptable

How on earth will we ever get rid of hatred and religious shite when people keep spreading this bile

This thread is meant to lighten the mood, not be laced with your Neanderthal shite

Mods do your jobs

Well that cheered me up !

Mods do your jobs"

A guy creates a post 11 weeks ago with 166 replies and you want the Mods to do their jobs ?..

Walk past the bile ffs.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

"I'm sure that the people posting the football and political responses to this thread think.they're hilarious

You're not

You just show how small minded and bigoted Scotland still is and how far it needs to come to get rid of people who think that riling up others is funny or in some way acceptable

How on earth will we ever get rid of hatred and religious shite when people keep spreading this bile

This thread is meant to lighten the mood, not be laced with your Neanderthal shite

Mods do your jobs

Well that cheered me up !

Mods do your jobs

A guy creates a post 11 weeks ago with 166 replies and you want the Mods to do their jobs ?..

Walk past the bile ffs.

Clearly the irony was missed

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Light travels faster than sound, which is the reason that some people appear bright before you hear them speak.

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they’ll want to use it

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Blunt pencils are really pointless...

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately

By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Great thread Tarzan, lots of belly laughs and a real tonic

(closed, thread got too big)

Reply privately