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Scottish humour

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By *evr269 OP   Man
over a year ago

West Lothian

Any jokes or one liners only a Scottish person would get?

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By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

My uncles a world class carpet fitter, he's got a flair for it

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By *5onlyMan
over a year ago

GLASGOW

Did you hear about the mad Italian

Cafe owner?

He was aye screaming ??

Or the lonely prisoner

He was in his cell

What do you call a jobby with one eye

Keeck

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Jist gonny no

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By *r huskyMan
over a year ago

cockenzie

What's the difference between bing Crosby and walt Disney

Bing sings and Walt disnae

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By *estlo-mMan
over a year ago

west lothian

Stop this, I had a testicle removed this week and it hurts when I laugh.......but the good news is am a stane lighter

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By *estless nativeMan
over a year ago

near Glasgow

What is the difference between a Scottish sheep farmer and a Rolling Stones song?

“One says, 'Hey you, get off of my cloud!", and the other says, 'Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Seen a sign the other day that nearly made me wet myself, “Toilets Closed”

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Seen a sign the other day that nearly made me wet myself, “Toilets Closed” "

Did ye aye

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By *5onlyMan
over a year ago

GLASGOW

I went to the barbers and asked for highlights.

He sat me down and put on a dvd of his best hairs dos

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By *5onlyMan
over a year ago

GLASGOW

What's blue and fucks little old ladies ??

Me in my lucky blue rain coat ?????

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By *exy n up 4 itCouple
over a year ago

western isles


"What's the difference between bing Crosby and walt Disney

Bing sings and Walt disnae "

Just a wee improvement on that;

What’s the differance between White Christmas and Snow White?

Bing sings but Walt disnae !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

You'll never talk alone

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How many Scotsmen does it take to change a light bulb?

Och..it's no that dark!

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By *otPrinceHarryMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

[Removed by poster at 07/11/20 15:23:04]

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By *otPrinceHarryMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

A bloke walks into a pub with a dog and says "How much fir a pint?"

"£3.10, pal," says the barman.

"Ah've got a talking dug here. If ah show you it will you gie me a free pint?"

"Aye, alright." says the barman.

"Right," says the bloke "Whit's the opposite of smooth?"

"Rough!" says the dog.

"Good lad. Whit do you call the long grass on a golf course?"

"Rough!"

"Aye lad. Who was Scotland's goalie in the '82 World Cup?"

"Rough!"

"Aye, very funny," says the barman. "Get oot."

The guy walks outside and says to the dog, "Well, that went shite, didn't it?"

"Aye." Says the dog. "Wis it Jim Leighton?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Naw ye didnae

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By *arren and AliciaCouple
over a year ago

Glasgow

Away and bile (boil) yer heed

Do you think I came up the clyde on a banana boat

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By *irth VaderMan
over a year ago

Busby

A jock walks into a London pub and says to the barman ‘quick. Two double whiskies. If you had what I had you’d understand’ he tans them and says the same thing. He does it a third time and the barman says ‘how what is it you’ve got?’

Fuck all but a Scottish fiver pal.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Frog and toad are walking down the road when toads balls fall off. Frog picks them up and says, "Do you want your balls toad?" And toad replies, "No how do you want your arse kicked?"

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By *evr269 OP   Man
over a year ago

West Lothian

[Removed by poster at 08/11/20 14:02:39]

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By *heSofaDestroyersCouple
over a year ago

HereAndThere

What do you call a man that almost home?

Hamish

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By *andy_FraserTV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh

A guy goes into a Scottish bakery and asks "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake.

I'll get my coat...

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By *itty9899Man
over a year ago

Craggy Island

There a rumour that copper wire was invited by two Scotsman fighting over a penny.

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By *awaiianguyMan
over a year ago

East Ayrshire


"A guy goes into a Scottish bakery and asks "How much is that cake?" "A poond." "And how much is that one?" "A poond. All ma cakes are a poond!" "Oh, OK. What about that one?" "Ach, that one's two poonds." "Oh. Why's that then?" "That's Madeira cake.

I'll get my coat..."

love that one

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Passing a field of cows, how do you know which one is on holiday?

It’s the one with the wee calf

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By *otnew12Man
over a year ago

blackness

Two tunnocks caramel logs are stood at the arrivals gate of Glasgow airport.

One turns to the other and says

“How long have you been away fir”

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By *otnew12Man
over a year ago

blackness

Genuinely went into greggs one day and pointed at the doughnuts and said “is that a doughnut or am ah rang?”

She just looked at me like a moron and said

“It’s obviously a doughnut”

I think she was the doughnut tbh...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy in gym picks up phone, "hi darling, just seen a coat but it's £700"..."go ahead, it's cold". Ring, ring..."just seen a new car but it's £25k"..."go ahead, you're worth it". Ring, ring..."darling, just seen a brilliant house but it's £450k"..."ok, but offer £420k"....Guy puts phone down, "anyone know whose phone this is?"....

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By *tormin1875Man
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What's made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I love sausage rolls, put them in the oven and they come oot tasty.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a lace missing.

"No", argues the assistant, "look at that - it says Taiwan".

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By *gcplMan
over a year ago

Dumfries

Two scottie dugs - one says "am awa" so the other dug peed on im

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