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Whats your favourite jokes or puns?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

My favourite is

"Why does the Norwegian government have barcodes on the sides of their ships?

So they can Scandinavian"

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By *ering SeaMan
over a year ago

Penicuik

How do you make a water bed more bouncy ?

You add spring water...

Boing boing, I’ll get me coat

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How does a monkey make toasted cheese?

He puts it under a gorilla

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you make a water bed more bouncy ?

You add spring water...

Boing boing, I’ll get me coat "
I had a water bed with my ex but we drifted apart, bring my coat too ??

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high... she looked surprised

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Two prostitutes walking down the street, one asks "Have you ever been caught by the Fuzz before?" The other replies "No, but I've been swung around by the tits a few times."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I`ve decided to dress up as a different type of bread every day next week.

Roll on Monday.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

These are fantastic!

I was planning on making a lemon and herb chicken for dinner but i ran out ot thyme

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

"Miss! Miss! My Daddy fell out of the window at the weekend and a pole got stuck up his arse!"

"RECTUM THOMAS!!! RECTUM!!!"

""Wrecked 'em Miss? It nearly fucking killed him!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Did you hear about the zoo with only one animal in it - a dog... it was a shih tzu

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By *entkevMan
over a year ago

Dover


"I`ve decided to dress up as a different type of bread every day next week.

Roll on Monday."

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By *candiumWoman
over a year ago

oban

What's white and can't fly.

A fridge.

Has me giggling every time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My mates just called me there , said he’s partner just left him . Took he’s satellite dish and bob Marley cd . ... no woman no sky

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's red and sits in a corner

A child with a razor blade.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on its final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto."

He forgets to switch off the intercom, and the whole plane can hear his conversation with his co-pilot.

The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?"

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap . . . then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge ta-tas out for dinner . . . . then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night long!"

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles, trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she tries to run to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and falls on her face. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gonna take a shit first."

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By *iimonMan
over a year ago

glasgow

2 fish in a tank, 1 says to the other, "how the hell do you drive this thing?"

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By *edGlasgowMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

One snowman says to the other "can you smell carrots?"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Guy walks into a pub with his Dog.

He says "Ask my Dog anything and if he gets it right, you give me a free pint"

Barman agrees..

So he asks the Dog " Everytime I play Golf where do I always hit my first ball"

Dog replies..RUFF RUFF.

Barman says " Feck of, get oot".

No please, ask another.

Barman says " ok, after a Saturday night drinking session with my mates, how do I usually feel the next morning"

Dog pauses, then replies RUFF RUFF.

Barman says "Right get feckin oot and take that clueless Dog too"

No, please, please, one more time..have another go.

Barman asks "Who played in Goals for Scotland in the 1982 World cup"

Dog replies..RUFF RUFF.

Barman has had enuff, in a raging rant he throws them both out for being feckin ridiculous.

The Guy is sitting on the kerb totally disgusted and choking for a pint.

The Dog walks over too him and says

" Sorry buddy, was it Jim Leighton

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A Centurion walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says “five pints please”

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By *r Costa xxMan
over a year ago

stirling


"A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!" "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

How do you get Pickachu onto a bus?

You Pokemon

Hahahaha!!! Actually belly laugh with this every time

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Vagina jokes are not funny.. period.

Cum on guys.. gay jokes are not funny.

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By *melia DominaTV/TS
over a year ago

Edinburgh (She/Her)

'Football'

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By *uietbloke67Man
over a year ago

outside your bedroom window ;-)

My friend composes songs about sewing machines.

She is a Singer songwriter or sew it seems.

That always has me in stitches.

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By *ncomplicated84Man
over a year ago

Aberdeen / Poland

How do you turn a Geordie into a soul singer?

Roll him in the grass until he’s Al Green

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 21/10/20 10:08:35]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

So Robbie William's and Elton John are walking down the street when they see Kylie Minogue with her head stuck in some railings, Robbie says to Elton "I have always wanted to do this", so he rushes towards Kylie, whips her knickers down and does the business, as he is pulling up his trousers after the deed, he says to Elton, "it's your turn" and Robbie turns round to Elton and sees him crying. Robbie asks Elton " what's wrong?" Where Elton replies " my head wont fit in the railings!!!"

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By *3rial Thr1LL3rMan
over a year ago

aberdeenshire

How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

Some for the D&D geeks amongst us

Why do paladins wear chainmail?

Because its holy armour!

How do you get a D&D player to go out with you?

Ask for a D8

Why was the musician kicked out of the tavern?

He was bard!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg. "

I just read that out loud

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By *3rial Thr1LL3rMan
over a year ago

aberdeenshire


"How do you think the unthinkable?

With an ithberg.

I just read that out loud "

Most people don’t get it, you could say you have to “think” about it

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By *sasimpleMan
over a year ago

D & G

A set of drums fall off a cliff.

Bam boom, tish!

(I'll get my coat)

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By *yronMan
over a year ago

grangemouth

How do you sex a cell?

Take its genes down.

Am off now to read my favourite book, it's 'The Nail in the Bannister' by R Stornoway.

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By *layfullsamMan
over a year ago

Solihull

What does a near sighted gynaecologist and a puppy have in common ?

A wet nose

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By *xplorer13Man
over a year ago

glenrothes

I was sitting on the side of my bed tugging my boxers off. You spoil those dogs said the wife

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Picked my shirt up from the dry cleaners earlier, girl handed me my shirt with a big smile and said ‘come again’. Me indignantly responded.. eh, no! It was toothpaste this time you nosy b*tch

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Why are pubes curly?...

Because if they were straight they'd poke you're eyes out

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By *vbride1963TV/TS
over a year ago

E.K . Glasgow

Teacher goes in to primary 1 class and asks anyone who thinks their stupid to stand up , after a minute wee Johny stands up . She asks why he thinks he’s stupid ? “ I don’t think I am miss but I didn’t want you standing on your own “

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By *unCpl1003Couple
over a year ago

Edinburgh

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I dunno but the Flag is a big Plus

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By *rP_TickleMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Times New Roman and Arial walk into a bar. The barman shouts “Oi! Get out! We don’t want your type in here”.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Midget walks into a bar. Bar man says "oh, are you all right? Did you bump your head? "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's blue and swings thru the jungle ?

A monkey with a wrangler jacket on.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Change it to 86 if you want make it funny...

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What’s leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A Shoe

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By *ingers.n.tonguesMan
over a year ago

Paisley

Did you hear about the magic tractor.

It drove down the road and turned into a field!

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

Man walks into a bar ... it was an iron bar

Pigeon flys into a tin of paint ... it was a blue doo

Walking through the park I thought that frisbee looking bigger ... then it hit me

Abbreviation that’s a short word

Paddy asks Mick for directions Mick says you don’t want to start from here

Man walking down road with long pole gets asked are you a pole vaulter Replies am Hungarian but how you know my name

I need to stop

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By *ornyfuckers66Couple
over a year ago

fife

Irish bird impersonator ate worms

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