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lets have some jokes

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the

motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything,

but, the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9000 in insurance compensation

coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work

as well as your old one did - better in fact! The thing is though, it doesn't come cheap.

It's £1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to

decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better

discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and

you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if

you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a

five incher this time, she might be disappointed So it's important

that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you

spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.

****************************************

"We're having granite worktops in the kitchen."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

THE NEW LONDON ZOO KEEPER

You have to have some Brit background to enjoy this one:

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

First is to clear the exotic fish pool of s.

As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss,

he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions,

as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house,

he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.

He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to

himself, because lions eat anything...

He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last job which is to

collect honey from the South American Bees.

As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and

smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and shovels them into

the lions cage because lions eat anything.

Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.

He wanders up to another lion and says

"What's the food like here?"

The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and

asked him, "Grampa, what is couple sex?"

The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but

decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old

enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he

proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys

and responsibilities of intercourse.

When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her

mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.

Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask

this question, honey?"

The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a

couple secs.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I saw Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert and i said to him."You're that bloke from the 70's that did two little boys"..he said "No mate that was Gary Glitter".

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By *ob and angelaCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

[Removed by poster at 08/06/12 04:05:56]

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Two Thai girls asked me if I would like to go to bed with them. They said it would be like winning the fucking lottery.

They were right....we all stripped off and to my horror we had six matching balls!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A herd of cattle is standing in a field when an earthquake strikes. All the cows fall to the ground and only the bull is left standing.

The farmer, seeing this, rushes out to the field and asks the bull "How come you're still standing when all the others fell over?" The bull replied,

"We bulls wobble but we don't fall down."

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Japanese couple in an argument

Husband: Sukitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!!

Husband says:Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily:kina tim kouji

& u sit & read this as if u understand Japanese!

U daft TWAT.

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think i'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.".

Charlie continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

I took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow.

'Oohh' said the presenter, 'this is a very rare breed do u know wot they would fetch if they were alive?

'Sticks?' I replied..

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft c**t !!''

His wife asks him ''What are you watching?''

Husband replies "Our fucking wedding video!"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I saw Rolf Harris at the Jubilee concert and i said to him."You're that bloke from the 70's that did two little boys"..he said "No mate that was Gary Glitter". "

I did actually LOL at that and startled a passing stranger cos reading it on my phone walking the dog.... .

Good one JaneX

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 08/06/12 21:50:59]

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

guy at the doctors about his premature ejaculation problem - the doctor asks " and this a problem for your wife"? - "well" he said "it is getting on her tits"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

what do we want?

a cure for tourettes...

when do we want it?

CUNT !!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

i bought one of those ironmonger dogs last week....took it home and it made a bolt for the door !

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

my budgie broke both his legs last week - so i made him splints from 2 matches - when he started to walk his wee face just lit up !!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

an irishman applied for a job as a blacksmith - the boss asked him if he had experience shooing horses - "no" he said " but i have told a donkey to fuck off"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Some good jokes,keep them coming lol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

pete, the serial flasher was gonna retire, but he decided to stick it out for another year

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

penis says to balls, c'mon lads am taking u two to a party tonight. balls say to penis, naw, we don't wanna go, u always go inside n leave us bangin on the back door

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

A man walks in to a bar,there's a big black labrador lying in the corner licking its balls.The man walks up to the bar and orders a pint.He turns to look at the dog and says to the barman"I wish I could do that!"The barman says to him"If you buy it a pie he might let you!"

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

"Babe!" I called out to my wife. "Our neighbour is on the phone". "I don't care" she sighed. "And now their daughter is getting ready for a shower" I said, refocusing my binoculars.

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Apparently, towels are the biggest cause of dry skin.

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I organised a threesome last night...There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

wee pat the postman was retiring after 25 years service on the same street on his last day he gets to his first delivery when mary comes out an hands him 25 yrs old scotch for his years of great service ...further along his route alison comes out an hands 25 cuban cigars and again thanks him for all his years good service as he nears his last delivery big senga comes to the door in her sexy lingerie an proceeds to take wee pat to her bedroom an fucks him till he's spent she then proceeds to take him downstairs an cooks him a first class breakfast..as pat tucks on she hands him a £5 note ....pat looks at her bemused ..and asks..the shagging i get the breakfast was amazing but wtf is the fiver for ....senga replies ..well i telt ma husband you were retiring an we should do something ...he said fuck him gie him a fiver .....the breakfast was my idea !!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Took the wife to the doctors to try and find a cure for her tourettes,but the found out there's nothing wrong with her and that I am a cunt and she does want me to fuck off

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Halfway through my shift at Boots a guy came in to pick up his naked wife's photos he had had developed. Naturally, I had a little peek as I handed them over, "Would you like the negatives?" I asked. "Yes please," he said sheepishly. I said, "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene,

but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Chatted up a gypsy girl in the pub last night,she asked if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.

Too right I had a good time,I had a go on the dodgems,the waltzers and the ghost train,and even came away with a goldfish

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Chatted up a gypsy girl in the pub last night,she asked if I wanted to go back to her place for a good time.

Too right I had a good time,I had a go on the dodgems,the waltzers and the ghost train,and even came away with a goldfish "

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Little sam asked his dad for a bike for his birthday. His dad said "no son,the mortgage is 80 grand and your mummy's just lost her job" next day little sam walked out

with his suitcase packed. His dad asked "where are you going son" sam replied "i walked past your bedroom last night and heard you tell mum that u were pullin out,

she said to wait cos she was comin too,and i'm not staying here on my own with an 80 grand mortgage and no fucking bike

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Only in Scotland ..........

"Alright baw bag" is a customary greeting

"Thingy" means absolutely anything

"Fuck off" means really

"Moan then" is an invitation to battle

"Hunners" means 1,2 or 3

"12 degrees" means summer

"Ma bit" means your house

"Bawhair" is a recognised unit of measurement

"Where u fae" determines if you're getting a dooin or not

"Fuck it" is the solution to all problems

"Ahh ya bastard" means ouch!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

The Obedient Wife'

There was a man, who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money,

And was a real miser when it came to his money.

Just before he died, he said to his wife...'When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.

I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.'

And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

'Wait just a moment!'

She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said,

'Girl, I know you were not foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.'

The loyal wife replied,

'Listen, I'm a Christian;

I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him.'

You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?!?!?'

'I sure did,' said the wife.

'I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque.....

If he can cash it, then he can spend it.'

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Hear about the frog thst double parked??

Got toad away!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Husband finishes reading a book on how to be the man of the house so turns to his wife and says "from now on my word is law. Tonight YOU will prepare a gourmet meal and fine dessert then will bathe and towel dry me after that you will have sex any way that I want and in the morning guess who will dress me and brush my hair" the wife turns to him and replies "my bet is a funeral director"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.

Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big saw.

So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital.

Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.

And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.

Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked, but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse.

'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

...some good jokes here

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a Scotsman at the European Championships?

The referee

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By *ussymufferMan
over a year ago

Lanarkshire

little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat "how did you know it was dead" asks teacher "because i pissed in its ear and it did,nt move" says the boy "you did what?" shrieks teacher "you know" explains the boy i leant over and went pssst and it didn:t move

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Went to choose my new glasses today.

Pretty lass in the opticians asked, "Would you like them with a rim?"

Let's just say it'll be a while before they let me in Specsavers again.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

haha Max that's quality.

What do you call a Frenchman in Sandals...

... Felipe Phillop.

Boom. There's yer dinner..lol

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By *oDownEasyMan
over a year ago

Ayrshire

A day before his 15th birthday, the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, `Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?'

The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.

Finally, the son said, `Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball.'

The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, `If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his bithday present a pink ping pong ball.

The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' replied the son,I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, `If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.

The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.

The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.

Father,' said the son to this,I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls.'

The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. `A carton of pink ping pong balls?'

`A carton of pink ping pong balls,' the boy confirmed.

I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls,' said the father,but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have.'

And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.

The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.

Dear son,' said the father,I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?'

The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. `Please humour me, dear father.'

The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again.

The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday.

Dearest father,' the son started,I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls.'

One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory.

The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.

The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.

The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.

`Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible.'

It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country.

The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.

Father,' the son said,You've made me very happy yet again.'

That night, the son spent on board the tanker.

The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.

A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.

His father visited the young man in hospital. `My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?'

Weakly, the son sat up in bed. `Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls.'

The father held his son's hand tightly. `Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls.'

`Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls.'

The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.

`Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls.'

The son nodded weakly.

The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.

`Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls,' the father requested.

The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.

`I-' the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.

`I- I-'

Then he died.

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

@ GoDownEasy you're a total prick hahaha, i want those minutes i spent reading that back pmsl.

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I've just started dating a muslim girl. She gave me a wank last night ... fuck me, was she rough ... I've nicknamed her ..... ' The Terror Wrist '.

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I went to a fancy dress party with a condom on my nose they asked what I was supposed to be I said Fuck nose

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

We went out for a meal yesterday, & whilst the wife was in the toilet, the waiter asked "And what will the lovely lady be having?" "I don't know" I replied, "probably a shit!"

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Man goes to doctors and says

'I've been raped by an elephant'

Doctor looks and says

'Funny, your ass is 10 inches wide? But an elephant's cock is only 3 inches wide'?

Man replies 'Yes, but.... .... .

The bastard fingered me first' ....!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

For fuck sake, just read that out, hahaha

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

I saw a man standing in the supermarket with his knob in a jar of mayonnaise and I thought......................

Fucking Hellmann!

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

When I was 14 my dad caught me smoking,and stood there and made me smoke the whole pack.

Why couldn't he have caught me shagging one of the girl guides

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

camouflage condoms.....

she'll never see you coming

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Paddy and mick swap sandwiches,and as they tuck in paddy spits his out and says to mick"what the fucks on that".

Mick replys"crab paste,it was on special offer at the chemists last week"

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.

It was pretty rubbish.

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By *racularMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Man phones a bookstore and says to the woman store assistant "I'm looking for the new book that gives advice for men with a small penis."

The woman says "I'm sorry, I don't think its in yet."

"Yep" says the man, "that's the very one."

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I've been torturing a centipede for 98 Days.....

..... it's on its last legs now.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.

It was pretty rubbish."

That made me giggle.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I created a new cocktail the other night... Next day I asked the missus what the 'rohypnol rendezvous' tasted like?

She said she couldn't remember but she claims it gave her a sore ass

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By *ocialchameleonMan
over a year ago

Glasgow

Just had a water fight over the park with a bunch of local kids.

I won!

No one's a match for me and my kettle.

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By *oDownEasyMan
over a year ago

Ayrshire


"@ GoDownEasy you're a total prick hahaha, i want those minutes i spent reading that back pmsl. "

bet you laughed though

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By *uirkygirlCouple
over a year ago

Quirkyville

I read that thinking it's got to have a good ending then I was proper gutted!!!

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By *ob and angelaCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

black guy walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder and the barman askd where did u get that and the parrot replies africa theres hundreds just walking about over there boom boom ....before you all start im no rachist lol...

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By *ob and angelaCouple
over a year ago

glasgow

what do u get if you cross goerge formby with eddie murphy ??????? you get ...:::: its turned out nice again you mother fuker ...

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow


"@ GoDownEasy you're a total prick hahaha, i want those minutes i spent reading that back pmsl.

bet you laughed though "

Not sure you could call grimacing through gritted teeth laughing pmsl.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Wife gets naked and asks hubby:"What turns you on more,...My blue eyes...My pouting red blow job lips...My pretty face...My D cup tits...My nice tight little pussy or my sexy firm arse?" Hubby looks her up and down and replies: "Your fuckin sense of humour"

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

My wife came home from work early today and caught me shagging our neighbour doggy style.

"Take your cock out of her vagina!" she screamed.

I said, "Babe, this is not what it looks like."

"What is it then?" she shouted.

I said, "Anal."

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

This was written by a black gentleman in

Texas and is so funny. What a great sense

of humor and creative thinking!!!

When U Black, U Black

When I was born, I was BLACK,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK,

When I was scared, I was BLACK,

When I was sick, I was BLACK,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

NOW, You 'white' folks......

When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,

And when you die, you look GREY.

So why y'all be callin' us

COLORED Folks?

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By (user no longer on site) OP   
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/06/12 16:49:22]

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By *anda man.Man
over a year ago

Stockport

Jokes:Jokes:Jokes:

That ones straight from the institute for retards and lobotomised (obviously not had enough dosage)inbreds.

Total verbal diarrhoea.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

[Removed by poster at 15/06/12 19:34:40]

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By *andG4moreCouple
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire

A mother walks into her daughters room holding a condom in her hand, "I found this while cleaning your room today.... Are you sexually active?" To which the daughter replies, "No, I just lay there."

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By *andG4moreCouple
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire

So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.

Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'

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By *andG4moreCouple
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

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By *andG4moreCouple
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire

Why are marriend women heavier than single women?

Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. 

Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the refrigerator. 

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By *rgiesformeMan
over a year ago

North Glasgow

Anal Sex is not for Pussies

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By *andG4moreCouple
over a year ago

Dunbartonshire


"Anal Sex is not for Pussies"

lmfao

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware

that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to 20 inch

height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached

behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give

her enough slack to raise her leg She tried to take the step, only to

discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to

unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the

step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a

little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little

more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her

up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled,

'How dare you touch my body!

I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled,

'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped

my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends..'

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By *rgiesformeMan
over a year ago

North Glasgow

Two Shite's and a Set off Jumpleads enter a pub and ask for three pints of lager......the barman replies "am sorry your no gettin served" .....how no says one of the shite's the barman replies "youz two are steamin, and he's gonnae start something"

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Policeman just pulled me over on the motorway.

He came to the window and said "papers"

so I replied "scissors, I win" and drove off.

He must want a rematch cos he's been fucking chasing me for miles now.

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

I walked into my house to find my wife gone and a note nailed to the wall. "We have your wife, if you want to see her alive again we want £500,000. Do not contact the police, we are very determined. Await a phone call."

They weren't joking about being determined, I've had 36 missed calls from them now.

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

A dyslexic man walks into a

bra.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between an Eskimo dwarf who shares an igloo with a mathematician with an errection and a Japenese karate expert who's father has diarrhoea?

One's a fridgid midget with a ridgid digit and the other's a slap happy chappy with a crap happy pappy!!!!!!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call the bit in between a womans pussy and her ass?

The twernt,cause if it twernt there her guts would fall out

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Paddy calls Easyjet to

book a flight. The operator asks "How

many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your

plane!"

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Paddy takes his new

wife to bed on their wedding night.

She undresses, lies on the bed

spread-eagled and says You know

what I want, don't you?

Yeah, says

Paddy. The whole bed by the looks of

it!

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Paddy, the

electrician, got sacked from the U.S

prison service for not servicing the

electric chair. He said in his

professional opinion it was a death

trap!

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By *issNaughtyxxxWoman
over a year ago

Aberdeen

My one and only joke, "What do frog's drink on there birthday?" " Croke-a-cola of course"

Terrible i know!!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

I feel sorry for ashley young,missing one of englands penalties.

It must have been confusing for him though,having to take a spot kick without diving first

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

23 million people watched englands exit from euro 2012,that's a world record.

The largest audience to watch a repeat on tv ever

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By *iscuit77Man
over a year ago

Central Scotland

I went to the doctors suffering from premature ejaculation, he said it must be very stressful for your wife. I said, to be perfectly honest it's getting on her tits.

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

Ginger,posh,sporty,scary,

Baby.

Any ideas what this is?

Its what prince harrys first baby will be

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By *ikeriderMan
over a year ago

prestatyn

A couple of people have swine flu and everyone starts wearing masks.

Millions of people have AIDS and no one wears condoms.

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By *rcplCouple
over a year ago

here not there

do you want to get laid ?.............

if so get yourself up a chickens arse ...... and wait

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

The landlord said, "Why r u looking so happy? "I said, "My wife had 1 of those procedures done at the hospital 2day,that would put a smile on most mens faces."He said, "A breast enlargement?" I said, "No, a postmortem."

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

This fat girl came up to me in the pub last night and said: "Hi, I'm Anita."

I said, "I can fucking see that."

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Was driving past Barlinnie earlier and seen a dwarf escaping out a window on a knotted sheet . The wife says "look at that dwarf" and I replied " thats a little con descending " !!!

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

Jack n Jill went up the hill so jack could lick Jill's fanny. But jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock... Cause Jill's a fucking tranny!

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By *inkyBrianMan
over a year ago

glasgow

A man walks into a crowded bar with a loaded gun & shouts ''who's bin fuckin my wife''a voice in the back shouts '' u dont have enuff bullets!''

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What do you call a chinese hooker with no legs ? ...... Dragon Lips lolol

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago


"Only in Scotland ..........

"Alright baw bag" is a customary greeting

"Thingy" means absolutely anything

"Fuck off" means really

"Moan then" is an invitation to battle

"Hunners" means 1,2 or 3

"12 degrees" means summer

"Ma bit" means your house

"Bawhair" is a recognised unit of measurement

"Where u fae" determines if you're getting a dooin or not

"Fuck it" is the solution to all problems

"Ahh ya bastard" means ouch!"

And "aye right" means no! Wtf?!

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By (user no longer on site)
over a year ago

What's the difference between Lady Gaga and Walt Disney?

Lady Gaga sings................

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By *ikeriderMan
over a year ago

prestatyn

What was unusual about Michael Jackson holding the baby over the balcony?

He usually just tosses them off.

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